You start finding things in your room.
A scattering of leaves.
An acorn with the tiniest of dents, as if pierced in its heart by a flying arrow.
A tarnished thimble.
"Mom, did you put this in my room?"
You hold the thimble up to her, and she squints to make out what it is.
"You're kidding I assume." Mom is not one to sew. You know that, but you had to ask.
"Where did it come from?" You sound angry, you know, but it's more fear than anger.
"I have no idea."
-------------------------------
{ Are you ever coming back?
To us, that is}
-------------------------------
"By the way, he's finally written to you."
You almost choke on your cheeseburger. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Your friend." Mom looks over at the pile of papers near the front door. "There's a letter addressed to you in today's mail."
You feel the blood leaving your face as you reach to pick up a sage green envelope with your name on it. There is no return address.
Just a torn page from a familiar book:
-------------------------------
//
When people in our set are introduced, it is customary for them to ask each other's age, and so Wendy, who always liked to do the correct thing, asked Peter how old he was.
It was not really a happy question to ask him; it was like an examination paper that asks grammar, when what you want to be asked is Kings of England.
"I don't know," he replied uneasily, "but I am quite young." He really knew nothing about it, he had merely suspicions, but he said at a venture, "Wendy, I ran away the day I was born."
//
-------------------------------
You can hear blood rushing to your ears. Trying not to panic, you make a mad dash to your desk. If your letters aren't there, you know someone (and by someone there's mostly ONE annoying person you'd suspect) must have mailed them.
Which would mean Ben got them. Oh please no—
But then the panic subsides as you see the pile of envelopes tied neatly in string. There they are, exactly where you left them.
But if no one mailed your letters, who sent this one to you?
Feeling the edges of reality blurring, you approach your mom slowly. "I'm going to call Dr. Simmons now," you tell her.
"What's wrong honey?" She must be happy that you're calling your therapist, but right now you know she's more confused than anything else. Well, she can join the club.
-------------------------------
You think you see him one day. Coming out of the subway on 49th and Broadway. He's taller — still, not taller than you, but close. He's wrapped in a scarf, golden brown hair pushed back in messy waves, looking very much like a Burberry model as he slips into a crowded café.
You stand frozen in the middle of the street, New Yorkers sending you annoyed glances as they push past you.
Your hands tremble as you take out your phone to text Sammy.
<<I'm losing my mind. I really am>>
Sammy's name flashes on your phone as you answer it.
"What's wrong?" There's an urgency in her tone, and you're sorry for making her constantly worry.
"I just saw Ben enter a café fifteen yards from me."
"For real?!"
"Of course it's not actually him. Just my deluded mind."
"Oh"
"He's tall. Looking like a snack, by the way. I mean, who knew I had such an imagination."
You lean into a wall and collapse against it in a fit of giggles. You realize how insane you sound, even to yourself. Especially to yourself.
Sammy hesitates before saying, "Maybe you need to move on. Maybe you need to call that Tony guy and say you'll go to the dance with him. You need something real to latch on to right now, even if it's not exactly what you want."
There's some logic to what she's saying, but you just don't know if you could do it.
-------------------------------
{My feelings for you are getting worse
It's funny because I don't even know when they started
Where they always there?
I've always considered myself to be fairly self-aware
But apparently that was a faulty conclusion
But you knew it, didn't you?
Even back when we were there,
That there was a part of me that is drawn to you}
-------------------------------
Kenji calls you fifty million times. Facetime, skype, DMS. You ignore them all, very aware that Sammy must've updated him on your latest breakdown.
You hear your mom's voice coming closer. "There must be something wrong with her phone. I'll get her for you, Kenj."
GAH you're gonna kill him
Mom peeps her head into the room, handing you her phone. "Kenji's trying to reach you. Says its urgent."
You would chuck the phone across the room, but don't want to worry your mom more than you have. Instead, you take the phone from her, frowning. Watching her watch you as she shuts the door.
"Kenji!" You snap into the phone. "I am obviously trying to ignore you. Can you please take the hint for once and leave me alone?"
"I can't, sorry. Well, not really sorry, but you know."
You growl in frustration.
There's not even a hint of apology in his voice.
"Look, Yaz. I consider us family. Closer than family! I am not going to sit back and watch you self-destruct."
"I know Sammy told you that I'm hallucinating again. But now instead of dinosaurs I'm seeing Ben." You laugh, but it's a bitter sound—high pitched and strained.
"So what? You can't indulge in a little fantasy. This is where I disagree with Sam."
You're intrigued, but skeptical. "In what way?"
"See, I think you don't need to move on from Ben. You need to move on with him."
You're silent for a second as you process what he's saying. "Wait, are you saying you want me to find him—wherever he is—and confess my undying love?" You laugh again, but for real this time. Utterly ridiculous!
But Kenji wasn't laughing. "What's so funny about that? Maybe he needs someone too. Maybe we all do. We're all going through this collective PTSD, finally escape that nightmare, only to immediately be forced to separate to our various corners of the country, adjust to a PANDEMIC—who'd've thought— How are we supposed to DEAL with our old lives and everything going on inside our heads if we have to do it alone?!"
It was the longest rant you've ever heard Kenji make and his breath is ragged from the volume he used to express those feelings. It was a revelation to see he knew exactly your pain and was feeling it too. They all were.
You look down before you say anything, your heart sore. "Did I tell you he rejected me?"
You can hear the surprise in his voice. "What? When?"
"Back on the Manta Corp island"
"You liked him from way back then?"
"I didn't think I did. I was just trying to get him to give you and Brooklyn some time together. I guess I gave him the impression I was interested."
Even without video feed you can see the cogs turning in Kenji's head, recalling the exact time and place. "And what'd be say?"
"He let me down gently." You chuckle softly. "The classic, 'you're a great person, but I'm not ready.' I didn't say anything at the time because it was already messy and I didn't want to make it worse. It was months later that it dawned on me that maybe I was feeling something. For him."
"Yaz that 'rejection' was forever ago."
"Maybe, but I can't help but remember that he's already given me his answer."
Kenji doesn't even try and hold back his frustration. "It doesn't mean he feels that way now. He didn't even say he doesn't like you: he said he wasn't ready. That's not the same thing. You need to give him a chance."
"No," you answer, your voice suddenly sure. "I need to move on. This fantasy has gone on long enough."
-------------------------------
{I'm ending things, Ben
I'm sure you know why
I can't live in limbo forever
Barely clutching on to my mental health
But Still, I'm sorry
I wish it didn't have to be like this}
-------------------------------
You've never actually asked someone out, but how hard can it be?
You're not even nervous. You've run 7 miles across raptor infested island territory in a torrential storm, faced down an indominus rex solo, all mid-hallucinations. Doing this will be pie.
Frankly, anything has got to be easier than pining after someone you haven't seen in six months, clinging onto his memory like an inflatable lifeline.
The game is finishing up and you see Tony grab a towel and start walking towards you. You ignore the sour taste in your mouth and put on a big [fake] smile.
"Hey, Yaz." Tony grins, "happy to see you out supporting the team."
He looks back at the field, and then turns to you before the other players catch up. "You got an answer for me?"
The bleachers feel cold, their icy metal cutting through the fabric of your pants. "Yes." You try and smile but the gesture hurts.
"Yes?"
Some of his teammates, riled up from the game, see their exchange and one particularly obnoxious one start a chant. "kiss kiss kiss"
Tony chuckles awkwardly and you stand there like a deer in the headlights, not sure how saying yes to a dance could turn into a public exhibition.
He leans in and although you can't hear him over the noise, you see him mouthing the words--"was that a "yes" you'll come with me?"
You think you hear a crowing sound over the noise of the other boys. You back up a bit, all very aware that to an onlooker, it probably looks like he's leaning in for a kiss.
You don't want this. You might throw up.
///
"Now, listen!" cried Hook, and all listened. But not one dared to face the door except, Wendy, who all this time had been bound to the mast.
It was for neither a scream nor a crow that she was watching, it was for the reappearance of Peter.
She had not long to wait.
///
Everyone turns to look as something explodes in the distance.
It's a small fire, but worrisome nonetheless. "Are those fireworks?" The other boys rush to the equipment locker to put out the flames.
As they depart, a figure emerges—tall, lean and... angry.
Well that confirms just how much you've lost your sanity. Ben almost looks real!
And then he speaks,
"I hate disappoint you, but Yazmina will not be kissing you tonight. Or any night for that matter."
Tony turns around, annoyed, and then surprised by the newcomer. He's never seen him before, looks young. "I'm sorry, who are you?"
"Just the guy she's in love with."
Tony's eyebrows shoot up and he looks to you, searching for confirmation. "Yaz, do you know this kid?"
You have been biting your lip, genuinely considering calling Dr. Simmons ward to tell her she needs to book you an emergency slot at the psych ward, when your head perks up at his question, your eyes suddenly full of hope. "You seem him too? I mean, is there somebody standing here talking to us?"
Tony doesn't know what to make of that comment, it seems to weird him out. He looks from you to Ben—and then back to you again.
"Well... I think I'm gonna bow out of this one."
I definitely didn't sign up to by anybody's side dish, and you seem like you've got some unfinished business."
//
"Pan, who and what art thou?" he cried huskily.
"I'm youth, I'm joy," Peter answered at a venture, "I'm a little bird
that has broken out of the egg."
//