8th April 1978
"Long time no see... how you holding up ?" Mel smiled slightly, her lips strangely their natural colour rather than painted red.
"I'm good... yeah I'm alright."
"You don't look it. You look shattered in all honesty... is it cause of your mum or ?" I chuckled slightly, shrugging as my leg started bouncing. She took a quick glance at the jumper I was wearing, my hair most likely in need of a wash and my lips biting at my nails, no stranger to the sight in front of her.
"I haven't spoken to mum. Do you know how she is ?"
"I gathered that from the fact you haven't answered your phone to anyone... I rang you a couple times. But I've only seen what's been in the papers, and it's not looking pretty Adelynn. And the questions about wether you're going to see her aren't either." I nodded slowly, a straight like taking to my lips as Mel sighed quietly.
I hadn't bothered with much other than a drink in the past few weeks, meaning I didn't even attempt to answer the ringing phone- especially now that I knew it wouldn't be Roger. And of course I never bothered reading whatever else The Sun had written, leaving my mind to ponder with the question of wether my mum was well or not.
The sudden loss of what seemed to be my favourite addiction left me empty. I felt almost everything anyone else would after some form of a break up, but this time it was worse. It was worse than when anyone else would leave, and I knew all too well why.
"What's going on ? You're not right. I know somethings happened." Mel whispered almost, hesitantly letting the words pass as I shrugged slightly.
"Nothing Mel... it's all good don't worry."
"I don't believe you... but I won't interrogate you." She paused, sipping her mug of far too light coffee as I decided to light a cigarette to soothe my craving. "So... just checking- it's a no on the Natalia Crown film right ?"
I blew out the cloud of grey, ignoring the tangling smoke as for the first time possibly ever, I considered the offer. I needed a distraction, clearly, something to pull my mind away from the blonde haired drummer that constantly occupied it, and maybe being in a movie would do the job.
I never wanted to be an actress, ever. But in that moment I thought it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I wouldn't exactly be filing for decades, it would be just enough time to get my mind away from the worst of itself.
"How small of a role is it ?"
"Not huge... two weeks filming in the states." She nodded slowly, sipping her coffee again as I let out a short sigh full of dark smoke.
Now I never thought I would answer Mel the way I did, and thinking back on it now I probably should never of said what I did. But Roger was controlling every thought my mind had... and I couldn't think of anything else.
"I'll do it." Mel's jaw dropped open, her eyes wide and coffee on the edge of being tipped over. "Only this once. That's it."
"Yeah there's definitely something wrong with you Jesus Christ..." she laughed almost. "You'll be filming in the states... you can either stay in a hotel or..."
"Or ?" I questioned, eyebrows knitted as she seemed to tense up. The other option was clearly one she was gonna take more hesitancy in when telling me about it, but she was never excited to tell me most things.
"Or... since filming is so close, and due to the circumstances, you could stay with your parents." Mel's eyes chose somewhat wisely not to meet mine as the words left her lips. Instead they focused on my hand stubbing out the dangerous stick into the ashtray sat full in the middle of her desk as I released the final grey cloud.
"I'll think about that part. When is filming ?" I replied, somewhat relived to temporarily distract myself from the question. I was bound to spend most of my time thinking about it, when I wasn't thinking about Roger of course, but I managed to push it away for those few minutes I needed to.
"June time."
"Ok... I'll do it. But this is the only time I'll do a film alright ?" She nodded almost frantically, a wide smile taking to her lips as she did. "Any other jobs for me ?"
"The usual..."
-
"You're fucking kidding right ?" Connie laughed almost, in complete disbelief as I nodded a little. "You're really gonna do it ? I mean... every time you get asked to be in a movie you say no."
"It's a tiny role... and it's a distraction I suppose. Might stop my from drinking every night." I shrugged a little, taking another sip from the glass besides me as Connie somewhat processed the information.
Since Queen's drummer had been printed in the papers with Dominique, me and her had spent a lot more time together. She just wanted to make sure I didn't get too lonely, but luckier I had her and Julian (and Summer) to try and ease the weight of heavy thoughts.
And that's why on that particular night me and her were buried deep under the covers of my bed, laughing under the glow of the tv in the corner playing some John Travolta film she'd begged me to put on.
"Remember when we were kids... and you bought the new Beatles film for us to watch cause we missed the show in cinemas. Your mum made us popcorn and watched it with us... we were all crammed up in your little bed." Connie laughed a little, turning to face me with a beaming smile as the two of us recalled the exact moment she described.
"Yeah... god my room was like a shrine for those boys wasn't it ? We were obsessed. I remember doing my hair like I'd seen Jane Austen's in some magazine because I wanted Paul to fall in love with me."
"Yeah but it was the sixties, who wasn't ?" She replied, her attention being gained by the tv as a blonde haired girl started signing. I nodded a little, my smile slowly falling when my lips met the edge of the glass again, taking only a small sip before the phone ringing pinched both of us from our focus.
I didn't have much idea to who would be ringing me anymore, now what Roger's name was permanently crossed off the list. It couldn't be Connie, obviously not, and Julian would've been too busy with Summer's uni project to ring me at this time, which left me with few names left I had no intention of talking to.
"I'll get it." Connie jumped up, picking up the phone from its receiver before I could even think of the words to tell her not to. She pressed it against her ear, eyebrows furrows as she waited to meet the voice that'd dialled to hear mine.
Her expression settled to how it usually sat, her head nodding as the voice clueless to me unraveled whatever it did. I didn't question who it was, but she knew I was curious when her eyes met mine drowned my the visible confusion in my other features.
"It's your mum." She whispered, her hand covering the end of the phone. My eyes widened, taking no time to adjust as I almost leaped out of bed to take the plastic from her grasp.
"Mum... hi sorry I was a little busy." I sighed slowly. "How are you ?"
"Adelynn my god I miss you. Your dad tells me all these things about you, I know they're not true but I want to see you. I'm not well." Mum never did try and avoid the truth, nor sugar coat it. But it didn't mean that the pain her words caused hurt anymore or any less.
Except the pain wasn't at all pain. I wasn't hurt, bruised, cut or ill for that matter. I was consumed by an awful guilt, one that drowned me and controlled most of the moves I made. One that my mum would probably never realise she caused so easily.
It confused me, made me question why I felt the need to commit to things I never would without being so ridden with shame from her words, but I never did like the guilt weighing down on me. I found it easier to lift it, even if that meant doing things I used to swear I wouldn't.
"I'm coming to visit you... don't worry. I'm filming a movie in June time, only for a few weeks, but I wanna see you mum. I miss you. And I love you." I swallowed down an ache that was trying to knock a pair of tears out, managing to avoid the stream of cold drops as she chuckled a little down the opposite end of the receiver.
I glanced at Connie for a short moment, watching her eyes sat slightly wider and lip sat bitten by her teeth. She hadn't expected me to say what I had, but then again neither did I. I'd spent years trying to hide from my parents, avoid them and pretend I hardly knew them, but it was the guilt that told me to go see them. The inevitably dangerous guilt.
"I love you too sweetheart." She whispered almost. "I don't believe what your dad says. I'm proud of you. So proud. I won't tell him yet... I promise."
"I'm sorry mum. I would see you all the time, but I hate him. So much."
"I know darling... I do too."
"I'll keep in touch ok ? Please look after yourself mum, atleast till I get there in a couple months." I smiled faintly, even though only Connie could see, a small hint of relief in the edging pull after finally talking to her.
"I will Adelynn... bye sweetheart." I pushed the phone down, sighing again as my and Connie silently fell back into the position we'd been in moments prior. Neither of us said a word in that split second of them, deciding to take a chance to process what had just happened.
That day felt completely wrong. It wasn't me. It was like someone else had taken control, and they'd decided to consider every offer with far more detail and generosity than I ever would. I'd started the day by accepting a film offer, and ended it by agreeing to see my parents.
Before mine and the drummers sudden departure, I wouldn't of given either of those questions a second thought. But for a reason I didn't fully understand at the time, I'd not seen any point in trying to avoid them anymore.
"You're crazy. You've gone mental. And you're drunk... that doesn't help !" Connie exclaimed, her hands pulling at the roots of her hair as she scoffed a little. "You would never of said that two weeks ago ! What the fuck has that drummer done to you ?"
"I don't even know." I huffed, chuckling almost. "What the fuck did I just agree too ? I'm completely fucked aren't I ? This makes no sense... I'm gonna be staying with my parents whilst I film a movie ? Jesus Christ."
"Is this the new Adelynn Petrov ?"
"No... this is a very confused and very stupid Adelynn Petrov who needs to sort her shit out before she agrees to something far worse." I laughed, Connie shaking her head gently.
"I don't know if it gets worse than that Addy..."
An- sorry this was crap but still thanks for reading :)