Alicia dragged Rodney by his arm towards his car as he kept glaring over his shoulder back at Lotus. In his twenty-something years of living, Rodney had never felt the lightning-like sting of jealousy that he felt just now because of Dezzi. All reasoning fled his mind when he discovered Dezzi was Alicia's first. That he had held her, kissed her and seen the faces she made in bed. And they still worked together. And for Dezzi to rub it in his face made it necessary for Rodney to teach him a lesson.
In the past, old love flings didn't matter to Rodney at all. If a girl was caught up over her ex or was interested in another guy more than him, he just dropped her. Case in point, Maxine. It wasn't hard for him to just find someone new to be interested in him.
But this time he didn't want anyone new.
When they got to the car, he leaned back against the door and stared up at the sky with a scowl on his face. Alicia's phone started ringing and she answered it, putting it on speaker.
"Maxine, I'm sorry," she said.
"Save it because I don't want to hear it. If you cared, you would've told me. You didn't care to tell me because you don't trust me. And if you don't, we're not real friends then," Maxine said.
"It's not about trust. I knew you'd act like this," Alicia said.
"Well, if you would've told me that you really liked him—"
"Stop lying," Alicia said. "You would still be mad at me. You know it. You'd be mad at me because I broke the girl code."
"Well...you really did," Maxine said.
"You only went out with him once—"
"Don't tell me that shit," Maxine fumed. "We were talking for like a couple weeks, flirting and everything. I was feeling him—"
"Then why did you kiss another guy at that party—"
"I don't have to explain myself to you—!"
"You're really pissing me off!" Alicia said. "Why did you even call me then? If you didn't want to hear anything I said, why? Did you want to make me feel like shit for being with him?"
Maxine scoffed at that, "You're the one who has to live with the fact that you fuck around with my leftovers."
At hearing this, Rodney stood up straight. He didn't want to see Alicia arguing with Maxine like this, but at the same time, he knew better than to intervene.
"What? Are you mad that I have him, and you don't—?" Alicia said.
"Alicia," Rodney cautioned.
"Please, I had him first," Maxine said.
"And you lost him," Alicia said.
"Do you really think he won't leave you too?" Maxine asked.
"Wow," Alicia said, amazed. "Woooow. I'm so speechless. Is that what you think? He'll leave me? What, do you think he's too fine to be dating me? He's out of my league? Is that why you wanted me to stick with Dezzi? You thought that was all I deserved, right?"
"I didn't say that, Alicia. I can't believe—" Maxine said. Her voice was trembling.
"Just admit it. That's what you thought of me. I didn't deserve much from any guy. In this world, you have to be the star and get everything you want. I'm just your sidekick. My story doesn't matter," Alicia said, crying.
Rodney could hear Maxine on the other end, crying too. He went and stood in front of Alicia, worried.
"I always looked up to you, Maxine. You were so outgoing and pretty and when we became friends, I thought I was so lucky. I thought you knew everything, but...you always treated me like I didn't matter. Like I was just your accessory, your shadow who didn't deserve shit—" Alicia said.
"I was very supportive of everything you ever put your mind to," Maxine said.
"Except when it interfered with what you wanted," Alicia said.
Maxine didn't say anything for a while and Rodney inhaled the cold night air.
"You know what? If that's what you want to believe, then fine. It's late and I'm tired. I just called anyway to ask if you can stay over at Rodney's place tonight. Maybe during the holidays too. It's clear the both of us need space," Maxine said.
"Fine," Alicia whispered.
***
And so, Alicia came over to his apartment that night. She was going to stay here, but not because of new, fresh love, the unbearable thought of leaving one another, but because to go home and face Maxine was to face reality.
As soon as they stepped into his room, she plopped down on his desk chair. Her expression was filled with exhaustion; her tears had dried and stained her cheeks. Since they left Lotus, she hadn't looked at him. Not sure what to do, he yanked his tie loose before slipping it off. Slowly, he started to get ready for bed.
When he was done, she was still sitting in the chair, staring at nothing. He went and crouched down in front of her.
"You must be tired. Go get changed so we can go to sleep," he said.
Slowly, her eyes met his. Her midnight eyes were filled with so much hopelessness that he had to look down.
"We can talk about it in the morning," he said.
"Do you think you can sleep tonight?" she asked.
She crossed her arms over her chest and rolled her eyes. She began to rock in her chair to keep calm. Rodney bit his cheek and breathed. He didn't want to argue with her.
"Alicia, let's just talk in the morning. Change out of your clothes and come to bed. It's not like you can go home—" he started.
"Because of you," she said. "I can't go home because of you."
"Maxine will get over it."
"You just had to make a scene. I can't believe I had to drag you out of there like that—"
Irritated, he sighed loudly to cut her off.
"You just had to do the most and tell her because of Dezzi. Couldn't you see I wasn't ready to tell her? I wanted to back out," Alicia continued.
"You know," he started quietly, "I have the right to be upset, too. You slept with your co-worker and didn't to tell me. You know I don't like him, Alicia. Still, you don't see me getting upset."
"Because that's my and Dezzi's business—"
"No, you have no business with Dezzi. You have nothing with him," Rodney said.
"Don't tell me what I have, okay?"
"You have to keep seeing him because you work with him—how do you think that makes me feel? You have history with this man that I can't stand. He was your first and you just sit there, not looking at me, expecting me to be okay with it all—" he said.
"Yes," and she eyed him.
"Well, you're crazy," he said, rising and she rose with him.
"And you told Maxine. Don't you understand how that makes me look? It's the girl code! I'm a bad friend—I—I—" she said.
"Well, what do you want from me? Do you wish we never got together so that you were still friends with her?" he asked.
She looked off to the side, contemplating his words; her expression was filled with sorrow. Her body was cloaked in silver moonlight. His brows furrowed, upset. Alicia cared so much for Maxine. He's never had anyone feel that way for him before, friend or lover. A rush of emotions consumed him and he realized he desired that type of loyalty from her. He spoke suddenly, in a rush.
"I don't understand you, Alicia! You'll work things out with Maxine, but don't ever think about things going back to the way they were between us, because I love you. I want to be with you. I want to wake up every day next to you. I don't want to risk not talking to you for a single day or a single night. Maybe I'm obsessed, call me crazy—but I've never felt anything like this before and I don't know how to shut it off. And even if I did, I wouldn't because it's you. It's like I'm dreaming and I don't want to wake up," he said.
It hurt. It really hurt.
He inhaled painfully and gazed at her with vulnerable, brown eyes.
She stared back, her chest rising and falling. He loved her. He told her he loved her. Her black eyes were wide with wonder and surprise. And unable to deal with all these feelings that encircled them, he turned away from her.
"Rodney, I love—" she started.
"Don't," he said.
"I love—"
"Stop," he said, raising a hand.
"Rodney—"
"I don't want to hear it and I don't care," he said.
He went over to her, wrapped his arms around her waist and carried her to his bed. He just wanted to sleep. He didn't want them to talk anymore. Especially, if it was going to be about their feelings. He didn't want her to say something she would end up regretting just because he said it first.
He sat her down before kneeling in front of her. He started to slip off her heels when she leaned in to caress his cheek.
"You don't have to hear me say it. You already know how I feel, don't you?" she said. "You know that you're the most important thing to me in the world. It's not about you not wanting to hear it because you said it first, you're just afraid because this changes things between us."
Slowly, he looked up at her.
"Do you remember what you told me when we were in my room?" she whispered. "You said that you won't be afraid for the both of us. Well, I'm not afraid anymore either so don't start to be."
He sighed. He had no choice but to believe her after hearing her say that. There was no going back. In the dark, his lips find hers and softly he kissed her.
***
They spent Christmas with Rodney's grandma in Brooklyn. Alicia was nervous at first to meet her, but eventually agreed to do so.
So, when midnight came on Christmas eve, they sat around the floor by the Christmas tree, opening gifts. Grandma sat, bunched up in her robe, drinking hot chocolate. On her record player, Minnie Riperton's voice crooned out.
At the news that Rodney was bringing Alicia, his grandma had wrapped her a gift.
"What is it?" Alicia asked, as she tore through the wrapper.
"An ugly sweater," Rodney answered.
Alicia frowned at him for spoiling.
"Boy!" Grandma said, throwing a pillow at him. "She didn't want you to really answer her. It was supposed to be a surprise."
Rodney caught the pillow as Alicia tried the sweater on.
"Oh, grandma, I love it. Thank you," Alicia smiled.
Rodney tore open his gift and slipped out a matching ugly sweater, throwing it on.
"Twins," he said, winking at her.
His grandma leaned in and smiled at them.
"Rodney, this is the best Christmas gift you could've given me. Thank you for bringing Alicia over," his grandma said. "Alicia, I could tell you're a good influence on him. I'm so happy you're with him."
Then his grandma rose and stretched, saying, "Well, I'm going to head to bed. Rodney, don't forget to turn off all the lights when you head to sleep, okay?"
"Yes ma'am," Rodney said.
As soon as his grandma left, Rodney scooted closer to Alicia and held a long, rectangular box out to her.
"Open it," he said.
She pinched his cheek and took the gift from him. She ripped through the wrapper and saw it was a golden necklace with a diamond in the heart-shaped pendant. Speechless, she just sat there and stared at it. He smiled and took the box from her, opening it and sliding behind her so that he could put it on. He locked the necklace around her neck.
"It's beautiful," she said. "You shouldn't have. Now I don't think my gift is that great now..."
He moved her hair out of his way and kissed the back of her neck.
"What'd you get me? Socks?" he asked.
She handed it to him and watched as he tore through the wrapping. He grinned when he saw it was a brown, leather art roll to keep his art supplies. For R.G. from A.W. was engraved on the side.
"I—I noticed that you kept all your pencils and rulers in your second drawer in your room. I thought this might help keep you organized," she said.
"I love it. This is amazing," he said, kissing her cheek.
When they were done exchanging gifts, he took her to his childhood bedroom and out onto the fire escape.
"So, it was here that you learned how to climb fire escapes?" she joked and he nodded.
She glanced at her phone and he chewed on the inside of his cheek.
"You know, you can always wish her a Merry Christmas. It wouldn't be wrong to do so," he said.
"I promised I would give her space," Alicia said, placing her phone in her pocket.
He wanted to say more, but thought better than to bring up what happened between her and Maxine. He hoped this wasn't the end for them. Rodney couldn't live with himself if he was the one who got in between them.
He tried to smile and decided to open his arms out to her invitingly.
"What?" she asked.
"You're not wearing a coat. Come here and let me warm you up," he said.
"This sweater is pretty thick though—"
"Come onnnn," he said.
She smiled and went to him, "Okay, okay, honey."
He paused and gazed down at her before slowly smiling. She called him honey and didn't even notice it.
As he wrapped his coat around their bodies, he rested his cheek on her head, and pondered over the term of endearment.
***
When New Year's came, they spent their time back at Rodney's apartment. It was a few hours until the ball dropped. Rodney and Alicia sat in the kitchen sharing a bottle of sparkling wine, listening to the anchors discuss New Year's on TV.
Normally, Rodney spent his new years at a party with friends, but he couldn't deny that he preferred being with Alicia more than the former.
As they drank and talked, he realized that Alicia kept refusing to look him in the eye. She kept studying her drink. She had been acting like this all day.
"Want to go back to the living room?" he asked and she nodded.
He rose, taking her hand in his and led them over to the couch. They watched the new year's special.
"I—Is Derek not coming back anytime soon?" she asked.
"Nah, he won't. Don't worry about him," Rodney said. "Is that what got you all anxious?"
"I'm not anxious," she pouted.
"Then what's bothering you?" he asked.
"Nothing," she said, her voice high-pitched.
"Is it...Maxine?" Rodney asked. "You guys normally spend the holidays together, right?"
Alicia studied her fingers before sliding her hand into her skirt pocket and slipping out a joint. It was the prettiest joint he had ever seen, with pink roses and lavender petals blended into the weed. Rodney's mouth dropped down to his lap.
"You smoke?" he asked.
She shook her head no, "Not really. I only smoked once...my freshman year of college. I was with Maxine and we were just hanging out. We—we planned to do it again today, but..."
He nodded, understanding. Truth be told, she didn't look like the type to get high, but he couldn't judge a book by its cover. He smiled and caressed her chin.
"Do you smoke...?" she asked.
"I can't. Cortes and Michael do, but I don't. I tried to once, but it gave me really bad anxiety. I had trouble breathing; it felt like I was going to die," he said.
"Oh," her face drooped.
"But you can. I don't mind! Let's go to my room and sit by the window," he said.
They went to his room and sat down. She glanced at him before her eyes darted back down. He handed her a lighter and she played with the switch.
"I think Maxine would've smoked much more often if she wasn't a nurse. That's why she likes to do it during the holidays because she takes two weeks off," Alicia said.
"Why don't you call her when midnight hits? I'm sure she'll appreciate it," Rodney said.
Alicia only shook her head, lighting up. He watched as she brought the joint to her lips and inhaled. When she exhaled, she smiled. Rodney chuckled at her and squeezed her shoulder. He got up and turned on his speaker to play some music.
When Alicia was high, she was chill and didn't have a problem saying or doing what was on her mind. When she didn't like a song that he played, she told him that he needed to relinquish his music playing rights. When a song hit her in the right spot, she got up and dance. And of course, she kept addressing him as honey.
As Rodney was bopping his head to the song, Alicia's fingers came and stroked the nape of his neck. He could feel her eyes on him. He turned to her and smiled easily.
"Can we go to the kitchen really quickly?" she asked.
"Ya, you got the munchies already?" he joked.
She was slow to respond. Her low eyes just studied his face before licking her lips and lazily smiling at him.
"Not yet," she said.
When they went to the kitchen, she took a shot of tequila instead of eating anything. When she was about to go in for another shot, he stopped her.
"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.
"Yeah," she said. "It's just two shots."
"Yeah, but you're normally not like this...I was just wondering what brought this on," he asked, watching her chug the shot.
She smiled, placing her shot glass in the sink.
"You're right, I am nervous," she said.
"About what? Maxine?" he asked.
She didn't answer him. She just stared at his face. Lost, he held her gaze. She didn't seem nervous now. It was the exact opposite. She was trying to hide a smile by biting her lip; he couldn't get over this because it was attractive. Finally, she stepped up to him and kissed his lips.
He chuckled in his throat as he kissed her back. He wasn't sure what was going on in her head, but he was glad that she was here with him like this, instead of outside.
She pushed her body against his, gesturing they go back to his room. He started to walk backwards, never breaking the kiss.
When they returned, he fell back onto his bed and she crawled on top of him. Her hand glided over his chest and abs, getting to the bottom of his shirt. She lifted his shirt up and off, which surprised him. Normally, when they got down to things, he was the one who initiated it. He blinked before deciding to lay down and let her take the reins with a grin. She reached over and shut off his lamp light. They were left in darkness.
"Booo," he objected.
"Deal with it. I'm nervous as is...I've never done this before," she said.
"Huh? What are you talking about?" he asked.
She kissed him sensually. His hands dipped down to her bottom, her thighs, stroking there. The more he did this, the more she got into the kiss, moaning into his mouth. Her tongue kept thrusting in and out like the act of sex itself. When she felt his stiff erection, she started to grind slowly on top of it.
It occurred to him that maybe she was really in the mood right now because she had smoked a joint and took a couple of shots. It happened to many people. He reached up and wrapped his arms around her shoulders so that she couldn't run away.
When she had gotten him hot and heavy, breathing hard, and more than willing to take things to the next level, she slid off of him and got off the bed. She came back a second later with a scarf.
"What's this for?" he asked.
"Tie it around your eyes," she said.
"Why?" he frowned.
"Please," she pouted.
So he did as he was told. After, she grabbed his hands and tied another scarf around his wrists, laughing mischievously.
"What are you doing?" he asked, sitting up.
"So that you don't try anything during," she said.
"I'm pretty sure in the past I haven't done anything that you didn't like during," he said.
Though he couldn't see her, he knew she was smiling so he grinned. She pushed him gently back down on the bed. She kissed his cheek, sucked on his nipple; her tongue traced the lines in his abs. He lifted his chin up and parted his lips before clenching his teeth to silence his moan.
She left a trail of kisses over the line of hairs on his lower abdomen. Then she unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants. His heart rate picked up and finally it clicked in his head why she was nervous this entire time.
"You're so shy," he teased.
"You better not take that scarf off. I don't want you to see me," she said.
"Alicia, you don't have to do this."
"Y-you don't want me to do it?" she asked.
He snorted.
"I mean, I really want to...you always...go down on me. I want to do it for you, too. I've been thinking about it and I just...I want to do everything with you..." she admitted.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes," she whispered.
Then his pants were around his ankles. Alicia's mouth came over and was upon him; he exhaled.
He remembered the coolness of his sheets underneath his back. How fast his heart was racing. The heat of Alicia's hand planted firmly on his thigh. He kept moaning, hissing. In the distance, he could hear the TV in the living room. And Alicia was here, on her knees. Her hand kept going up and down, up and down over him. She kept her lips tight and closed over his erection, moving slowly and steadily. He was filled with wonder; he felt so humbled.
The scarf thing was exciting and hot too. He didn't know Alicia was into things like that. Still, he wanted nothing more than to take it off and see her.
"I have to get some tissues please," he said, making up an excuse.
She reached up and stuffed his hand with tissues.