SOMETIMES I feel like Blue only told me what he thought I wanted to hear. For the last hour he had been talking about his grades, how high they were and how he was in the 'gifted' program at school.
His lips kept on moving and I tried to refrain from yawning. At one time in my life, I would've killed to end up with someone like Immanuel Blue.
Someone smart and semi-attractive, someone able to keep me on my path of faith. Someone I would trust to make wholesome decisions on my life and steer me in the right direction for eternal peace because Blue was everything good. No scandals attached the pastors son and it didn't get anymore pure than that.
But now, I was different. The things I valued in a relationship no longer remained the same. Before, I wanted someone to make my decisions - now I just see that as control.
I didn't want to be controlled, I wanted to be free. I didn't need a smart man or even a pure man. I wanted a man who could make me laugh, bring endless joy to my life and I wanted a man who could be my 'safe space' instead of someone I feared.
"I'm sorry." I interrupted his bragging speech on good grades and he stopped mid-sentence, a notion I could see pissed him off. "I'm not feeling too good, I think I better go home."
"Oh." He answered. "You need a ride because I already ordered and I was looking forward to the chicken wings."
My lip curled up in distaste, not at the chicken wings but because if I were really ill, he'd rather eat chicken wings than take his sick date home. What a jerk.
"No, I'll be fine." I stated.
I couldn't escape out of there fast enough, I hopped on the bus to the fields where I knew Arlo would be hanging out waiting.
As I approached the darkness I could hear music and laughing. The washouts from our town all huddled together seemingly having a party. They shouted to me as I walked past them but I kept my head up and my mouth shut.
I spotted Arlo's Audi before I spotted him, the headlights were on the brightest setting casting a whiteish-blue spotlight across the field. But then my attention landed on Arlo and Kara, dancing together.
They laughed and drank out of glass beer bottles, he gripped her waist and held her kinda close. Too close for my liking. She wrapped her arms around his neck and shimmied her body to the music.
"Hey!" He didn't even break apart from her hold. "Come dance with us!" I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself. Kara grunted and stepped away from him, fishing into her pockets for a cigarette and lighter. "How was your date with the pastors son?"
I glanced at Kara, she stood against his car just smoking quietly but listening to everything. "Fine." I worded. "I'm gonna go." Arlo laughed.
"You just got here, what's up?" He tried grab hold of my arm but I pulled away.
"Nothing." I lied.
"She didn't like seeing us dance together." Kara filled in the blank and then pushed off from the car. She dropped her cigarette to the ground and squished it with her shoe. "Immanuel Blue, the pastors son." She scoffed. "He gets around."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I snapped.
Kara shrugged. "He's a sleeze celibacy, you wanna watch your back with that one." This time it was my turn to scoff. She was practically rubbing herself against Arlo five minutes ago. I guess it takes one to know one.
"He's actually a really decent guy." I defended. "He's smart, like really smart. He's in the gifted program and makes straight A's, he has such a beautiful voice - so talented. And he's got plans for his future too, our future. He's handsome, genuine and kind. Blue is my perfect match."
"So... go out with him then." My attention snapped to Arlo immediately. He swallowed down the hurt on his face and then nodded, jingling his car keys like he was ready to leave. "I understand now why you never wanted to come with me."
"Arlo-"
"You know, you've never spoken like that about me? Never admitted so openly the things that you like about me. You denied it to me, you denied it to yourself and you denied it to every single person around you. You were ashamed of me."
"I don't - I"
"Why wouldn't she be? She's filled to core with bigoted views. She's just like everyone else in this town." Kara wagered in. "And you know what? Pastor Blues son, he's so fucking tarnished you wouldn't believe the shit he does. You're merely a ploy to his good-character act."
She glanced at her phone screen before raising her eyes again and looking directly at me. "I can prove it." She banged her palm down on Arlo's car and smiled. "Let's go."
Arlo didn't talk to me, I sat in the front seat of his car and he just looked ahead, following Kara's directions. He had a bag of rosy apple candy in the middle and occasionally he would grab one and roll it around his mouth as he drove.
We pulled up at church and I look back at Kara with a dumbfounded expression. She raised her eyebrows at me and smiled cunningly.
"You'll see!" She stated, unbuckling her belt and climbing out. We made no efforts to follow her so she gestured with her hands for us to 'come on.'
It felt wrong, breaking into my place of worship late at night. The church grounds were silent and a little creepy. The trees cast unusual shadows, blowing in the breeze and the doors rattled. I was acutely aware of my heart drumming loudly because I felt so scared.
"This way." She whispered, though her whisper echoed all around the pews. She was leading us up an old staircase, it was dark and cold and spiralled all the way up to the bell tower.
Then knocked open a small door with her foot and the smell of cigarette smoke hit me.
"Blue, look who I found singing your praises. Thought I better enlighten her on who you really are." Kara said.
Blue was laying across some cushions, girls sucking up shots from his bare chest. Guys around the room smoked and made out with other girls. Blue sat up immediately and pushed the women away.
"Fearne, I thought you were sick." Was all he could say.
"I thought you were eating chicken wings?" Was all I could say.
I guess we didn't have much to say because we didn't really care for one another. Funny thing is, if I knew who he really was, I might've been more interested in him. But catching him out, with girls and alcohol and cigarettes didn't really impact me at all.
He stood up, not really knowing what to say or do but as he stepped closer to me, Arlo grabbed my hand. Blue looked down at our connected fingers and narrowed his eyes.
"So it's not just me keeping secrets then?" I kept my lips pressed closed. "I heard there was black dude running around town. Never imagined you would get tangled up in that."
"Can we leave now?" I asked Arlo.
"Yeah, but first-" he let go of my hand and punched Blue in the face then he grabbed my hand and ran. He was laughing with every step he took down the spiral staircase. Guys from the bell tower chased us and I think Arlo found that really fun.
"You hit him! Oh my god!" I exclaimed as we jumped from the last few steps. He pulled us into the back room where they prepared communion and searched through the cupboards. "What are you looking for?"
"The wine." He laughed. "Bingo!" He grabbed a crate of bottles and then picked out a few stray ones and handed me them. "Let's go, shh."
The guys from the bell tower were searching for us using the flashlights on their phones. We ducked down behind the organ and waited for them to leave the room.
"Hey," he whispered and then pointed towards the confession booths with his head.
"What?" I asked and he smirked and pointed at them again.
"You want to do it in the confession booth?"
I burst out laughing, "no!" I exclaimed.
"Hey, they're over here!" A voice shouted from somewhere behind us. Arlo ran his fingers across organ, playing out an ultra loud melody of notes.
"Shit, let's go." Arlo grabbed the crate with two hands and lightly jogged towards to the door with me following him.
We threw the shit into his car and as he backed out of the church grounds he raised his middle finger to Blue and his friends who gathered at the door. I spluttered a laugh.
"Where are we going Arlo?"
"Fuck knows, somewhere to get ridiculously drunk."