"Zoe, do you have any advice?" Shawn begs.
"Why are you asking me?"
"Because you seem to get your new ability better then any of us," he explains.
I wish I could tell him it wasn't me that upgraded my ability, but I can't. I just say, "I'm still working on it. There's no point in asking me anyways. Invisibility is not my speciality."
"You do tend to understand abilities better in general than the rest of us," Beast points out.
"Why do you think that?"
"You figured out a stance for me, and helped me figure out how to sense better," Trish argues.
"Those are concrete things though, within a standard of an ability. I can't just create—"
"Yeah," Trish says cutting me off, "concrete to my ability."
I look away and say, "Still, it doesn't mean I get your ability."
"Well if your task called for spreading your ability to objects, what would you do?" Shawn asks, clearly tired of this argument.
I shrug, "Spread the ability?" Trish scoffs at my sarcasm, but Shawn's eyes brighten.
"I get it," Shawn says with a smile.
"Shawn, I was being sarcas—"
"Flame!" Shawn shouts while he starts to run to him. "I get it! I know how!"
Flame frowns and asks, "You do?"
"Yeah, I can do this. I know how to turn other things invisible."
"Very well, go stand in the center and be prepared to play my version of dodgeball."
Trish, Beast and I walk over to the sidelines and Nix meets us.
"What did you say to him?" She asks.
"I don't even know," I reply softly.
Flame walks to the center with a small cloth bag that probably contains objects he's going to throw. He asks, "You ready?"
Shawn closes his eyes, inhales and exhales, then says calmly, "I'm ready."
Flame starts by throwing a pen. I watch in slow motion—literally— as the pen makes its way to Shawn. It reaches a foot away when Shawn opens his eyes and catches the pen.
"What?" Trish remarks. "Where'd it go?"
I turn my eyes back to normal as Shawn throws the pen back. Flame shoots his hand up suddenly making me jump. He looks and there's the pen, but he didn't seem to see it flying in the air. "Very good, I didn't expect you to learn this so quickly."
"It's easy. I just spread my ability," Shawn says smiling. He glances at me and Beast nudges me a bit.
"He actually figured it out based on what you said, Zoe." Trish laughs, "You're brilliant!"
"No. He is," I say, watching Shawn catch things and throw them back to Flame. He's pulling tricks and fakes that probably look cool if you couldn't see the objects. I guess there's one downside to having my sight. I can't see anything that Beast and Trish are freaking out about.
Finally Flame stops throwing things and says, "Alright, good job." He turns to us and I get a look at his injury that I caused for the first time. It's a dark reddish bruise that trails his forearm. I know it's not that bad, but the fact I caused it makes me ashamed of myself. "Let's get going and see if you all learn your new abilities," Flame announces. He catches me staring but decides not to say anything. Flame leaves me alone as he follows Trish to check up on her.
Beast sighs and I ask, "How's it going for you?"
He replies, "The wolf is wild, there's no way I can tame him."
"Maybe you should stop trying to tame him then," I suggest.
Beast nods and says, "You're right." He heads over to the cage and I look forward to my spot. I've got to do this.
I inhale and exhale, closing my eyes and focus. I feel a change and my hands ignite in a violet purple. I breath in and try to force the color to increase in waves.
"Zoey," I hear someone say faintly, "Why are you even trying?"
"Idiot."
I give up, opening my eyes and hyperventilating. All I can think of is hurting someone I care about. I let the light snuff out from my palms. My hands are shaking as a reminder of what happened ten minutes ago. I start to pace with uneven breaths.
I hear someone walking up, and when I look I see it's Flame. "I can't do it."
"You can, you already have, and you will again."
"Every time I try, I can't gain control."
Flame pauses before saying, "You aren't trying to gain control."
"Yes I am."
"No, you aren't," He argues again.
What a jerk. "How would you know?" He isn't me, he doesn't know what I'm thinking.
"Because if you really were trying you'd have been in control a long time ago."
"Well control hasn't really been one of my strong suits."
"Why not?" He questions. I freeze from my pacing, not really sure how to respond to that. He continues, "Zoe, I know you had a troubled past, but it's time you stop using that as an excuse for not moving on."
"It's hard to move on, you would know."
"I do know, and I also know that once you actually put the past behind you, things truly get better. You actually experience control over your life."
"Maybe I don't want control."
This surprises him, "You really don't want control in your life?"
"Control leads to power, and power can lead to corruption."
"Can. Zoe, it can lead to corruption. I don't know about you, but that's not the path I would see you taking."
"I don't know what path I would take." Admitting this scares me. We've all thought lightly about those scenarios where we get to choose to do the right thing, or the selfish thing. People automatically say they want to choose the right thing and become hero of the day, but not me. I've always thought, what if I chose the other one? It couldn't be that bad, and I could always fix it if I ended up on top. Plus that's the best thing, I would be on top. I would be the most powerful. But then I'd always just jump back in line and say I'd choose the right thing. The thought of it is always there though.
"Is that what you're scared of?" Flame questions, "Not taking the right path?"
I walk away from him, starting to get uncomfortable with this conversation. It's hitting a little too close to almost home. Why did I have to say something?
"Zoe, answer me."
I sigh and start to pace more.
"Are you scared of making the wrong decision?" He pauses, "Zoe? Answer me!"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Why aren't you trying!" Flame asks. He raises his voice more, "The others are. Shawn's already figured his out, where've you been?" I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. "Right, you can't tell me because you don't have the guts to speak for yourself! You want to know where you've been?" He pauses, his voice now shouts, "You've been trapped in your mind and you haven't even tried to get out! You can think up any solution, but if it dares escape your mouth you'd be doomed. Why is that? Why can't you be like Trish or Shawn and just say what's on your mind? Why can't you have Beast's kind of confidence in yourself? Why—"
"Why are you questioning me like this?"
"Why are you so scared to speak! Tell me!"
"No!" I shout at him, the room sounds dead silent because of my shout. "I'm scared to speak because of people like you. People who pressure me to be better and stronger. Well you know what? I'm scared I don't have the power! I'm scared I don't have the ability and the will you want me to have. I'm scared I'm not good enough! I'm scared I'm not strong enough! I'm scared I'm not smart enough, not pretty enough, not normal enough! I'm scared I won't live up to my mother's legend, or to my father's recognition. I'm scared I'll never see my brother again because he'll cut me off like the rest of my family has. I'm scared I'll scare all of you away because I'm a freak. I'm scared to be a freak, to be called a freak, yet I'm scared to lose that title because I wouldn't know my identity anymore without that branding. I'm scared for this compound, I'm scared from this new ability. I'm scared of Jack and Mole and X and John and—" I feel tears stream down my face but I wear them proudly. "I'm scared of myself! That I'm a monster! That I won't be good enough by the end of my pathetic life. That I won't live up to anything other than the stupid name, Zoe." I turn away from him. By now all my friends have started to pay attention to me and my stupid rambling. I wipe my eyes and tell myself to stop crying. Thanks Flame, you just succeed in embarrassing me. There's a long pause before anyone says anything. Even the wolf doesn't sniff or growl, careful not to disturb the tense yet relieved air. Finally, moving to break it, I face Flame and say, "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap like that."
"Are you kidding me?" He scoffs, "Why can't I get that out of you all the time?" I look at him confused and he says, "I know you never talk because you'd rather listen, and that you'd rather hear other's judgments before inputting yours. What I'm telling you is that your little color trick doesn't work that way. It's connected to your thoughts, and it will reach to the depths to pick out your deepest fears. It did the same thing for Vision when she first started tapping into this branch of her ability."
I reach for my neck and say, "Did she have to..."
"The only difference was she chose it."
I look away and sigh, "How do I get it under control then?"
"Face those internal fears, and overcome them."
"They're my fears because they're true," I start but Flame shuts me up right away.
"Really?" he asks incredulously. "Zoe, you know what I see when I look at you? I see someone who's strong, intelligent, and resourceful. But I also see someone who's figuring themselves out. Someone who has this great power at her fingertips, but the only thing holding her back is her lack of confidence. You aren't sure how to follow through in life because no one ever followed through for you."
"I know how to follow through with life," I argue.
"Do you?" I nod nervously, not really knowing what he's saying by that. "Then let me ask you, how much have you told these friends of yours? Do any of them know your background like you do?"
I start to understand what he means and I falter, "Well, no. I mean, it's my background so why should they have to burden themselves with—"
"It's not a burden," Trish comments. "In fact I'd love to hear more about your story, Zoe."
"There's this air of mystery around you, and I can't wait for that fog to clear," Beast adds.
"You just seem like an interesting person," Shawn ends.
"See? They care about you Zoe. I care about you. Nix does, X does and—"
"X doesn't care at all about me," I interrupt him.
"Why do you think he's trying so hard to help you succeed?" Flame asks.
"I don't know! He probably has some personal gain to accomplish."
"Like what?" Nix asks. I almost forgot she was here.
"Like mending a broken family or something even more selfish."
"You think rapprochement is selfish?" Flame asks.
"When there's no need for it anymore, yes."
"Since when is wanting to get closer to your family selfish?" Trish asks.
"I don't know!" I shout. I feel like I'm being attacked, and I don't like it. This is why I never speak. Once I do, everyone feels like they need to comment on it. "Can we just stop focusing on me and get back to this stupid assignment?"
Trish sighs and walks back to her area. Beast nods and moves back to the wolf, who is now agitated once again. Shawn looks around wondering what he's supposed to do.
Flame walks up to me and says in a lower voice, "My whole point to this was just to show you that you can stand up to those fears. I know that you can, and when it comes down to it, you will." He walks away in Shawn direction.
Flame decides to let us go early, and tells us to think of some ways to solve our new ability issues. He says he wants to see them mastered by the end of the week.
"What a long training session," Trish comments as we all sit down at our cafeteria table. I agree with her. I feel twice as exhausted as I usually do.
"I'm going to get food, I'll be back," Shawn says while he gets up.
"I guess I'll go too," Trish says getting up and leaving Beast and me.
"You can go too if you want," I tell Beast. "You'd better hurry too, the lines are starting to get long."
"I can wait, no worries."
"Please don't feel like you have to wait with me. I'll watch the table and when you guys come back I'll grab some food."
"I'm not going to leave you alone," Beast says as he scans the cafeteria. "Remember that cockroach? He's still around," Beast explain, and then I remember. Jack was being unusually social this morning and I guess Beast doesn't want to take any chances. That's very nice of him, but I feel bad he's giving up the good food to sit and wait with me.
"So how far do you think you are with taming the wolf?" I ask.
He makes a face and then laughs, "I think it's going to be a long week." I laugh with him, but then suddenly someone bursts through the doors shouting incoherently. The entire cafeteria becomes uneasy and she rambles about a guy she knows being missing.
"Help! Hey has anyone seen Cam? Hey can somebody tell me where Cam is?"
I look back to Beast and see he seems a bit uneasy. "You know her?"
"No, but I think I know of the person she's talking about. We kinda grew up together but never really talked, you know?" I get that relationship. It was that way with my entire class. Mole and Flame walk up to her and ask her what's going on, and Mole escorts her out of the cafeteria. Flame walks back to his place in the front, grabs something, then leaves.
"I wonder what that's all about," Trish says and she sits down. Shawn isn't far behind her.
"You ready? Beast asks. I nod and we get up together and walk through the lines. I grab some food and as we start to head back to our table Mac steps in our way.
"You need something?" Beast asks, taking a small step in front of me.
"I need to speak with you," he glances at me, "Alone."
Beast nods and turns to me, "I'll meet you at the table, alright?"
I nod and make my way back to the table. I watch Beast and Mac set their trays down at his table and make their way outside the cafeteria. I take in a breath and focus my ears to listen past the door.
"What do you want?" Beast asks.
"Do you know where Cam is?" Mac asks. His voice is quiet, like he's scared someone's listening.
Beast matches him, "No, I have no idea. But I have a feeling he's with my neighbors, and probably kidnapped by the same people."
"I've been hearing rumors about more kids disappearing. You know anything about that?"
"All I know is that X doesn't want anyone to know."
"What's with this compound these days. It seems like everyone has got secrets," I hear a thud, and I think Mac is now leaning on the wall.
"I know what you mean."
"Any news on what happened to Zoe? I know you guys were freaking out about she absence last night."
"She says she's alright, but I know she's hiding something. You've noticed that bruise on her neck, right?"
"It looks like someone blew out a blood vessel with a needle or something," Mac comments. "What do you think she's hiding?"
"I don't know, but I'm sure she'll tell me eventually. It's hard, but I can see she trusts me."
"Can you trust her?"
"You gonna eat that?" Trish asks, nearly causing my ear drum to explode. I drop my fork, spilling some food on my pants while covering my ears.
"Whoa, you okay?" Shawn asks.
"Yeah, I just don't have much of an appetite right now. I think I'm going to go change before heading to the arena," I say standing up. Beast and Mac enter the cafeteria and I walk over to them.
"Where are you going?"
"I spilled some food on my pants, I need to go change."
"Right now?" Mac asks.
"Lunch is almost over anyways, I'll see you guys in the arena."
"Will you be okay to go alone?" Beast asks me as I walk past him.
I give him a smile and reply, "Yeah, I'll just meet you in there, okay?"
"Save us some seats," Beast says waving me goodbye. I know he doesn't trust me. How could he? I can sense his worry even after the doors close.
I get to my room and just before I open it someone grabs my wrist and covers my mouth. I start to shout but they whisper harshly for me to shut up. They pull me into the nearest side hallway and continue to tell me to be quiet. They spin me around and pin me to the wall and I see that it's Jack. I squirm more but he asks with pleading eyes for me to be quiet. I soon hear why.
Someone walks into the girl dorm's main hallway saying, "Yet another bagged and tagged."
"It wasn't as clean as the last ones, you shouldn't get so sloppy," a female voice scolds.
"I wasn't expecting a girl to be in his room. That was just a missed disciplinary issue on your part."
The women laughs, "My part? She was roaming your hallways."
"Oh forget it, which one is her room?"
"Uh, this one." We hear the lady walk to a door.
"You sure?"
"I watch them file in every night, I think I can spot a target's room."
"So she's being sent off as well?"
"As far as I know. I doubt she was a hand picked kid. Just in the wrong place at the wrong time."
"What a shame. Well I hope she is of some use."
"Me too." They walk into the room and once the door shuts Jack moves away from me.
"You could have done that sooner," I whisper.
"Sorry," he replies.
"Did you actually just apologize?"
"Do me a favor and don't ruin it," Jack says. He looks around the corner and says, "The coast is clear if you wanted to get to your room now."
He starts to walk away but I stop him, "What's your deal? You're a complete jerk, but once it comes to me in danger you just appear and seem actually like a decent person? What's up with you?"
"I don't need to explain myself to you."
"No, but it would be nice if you did."
He scoffs and shakes his head, "See ya, Freak."
I head to my room and walk in. I breath in the stale air and move to my closet. What were they talking about, and why was Jack following me? No, he wasn't. I would have known. He was following the two people and he decided to help me stay away from them. I don't get why though. I'm not a threat if I have no idea what's going on. They could have acted normal and I would have been out of their hair, but no. Jack got me to listen to their conversation and now I'm curious. Only, not in a good kind of way.
I change into some fresh jeans and a big gray sweater. I move to the bathroom and redo my bun. It seems to have gotten a bit messy from training.
Who were they talking about anyways? I didn't recognize the adult's voices, and they didn't mention any names. They just said they got one. I'll have to ask Flame about it later. On second thought, I should just leave it. There's no sense in getting into the compound's drama when there's no need. Besides, I think Jack's already got that covered. I walk out of my room and start to head to the arena. It's a long way to go, but that only means more time to think.