A P R I L 1 9 7 7
.・。.・゜✭・.・✧・゜・。.
BOTH JAMES AND REMUS' SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAYS had come and gone and neither boy had yet to make any effort to reconcile with Sirius. In that time, Fabian and Gideon had instead filled the void left behind by their friend. As much as they could, at least.
In Sirius absence, the twins were the one who were there when Euphemia sent two cakes baked with love for James and Remus' birthdays – strawberry and vanilla for James and double chocolate for Remus, of course. The twins had even pooled their pocket money together to get the boys gifts from Honeydukes, which seemed to especially please Remus.
In the midst of all their heartache, it thrilled Clara to see her brother getting along so well with Fabian and Gideon. Even after all her effort to keep their groups of friends separate, this past month had caused a change of heart. The Potter siblings' friends were finally beginning to merge into what she hoped would eventually become one big family.
Still, while James, Remus, and Peter would never admit it, no one could ever replace Sirius. Even Clara felt the void of his absence.
In the weeks since the incident, they all avoided talking about it. However, that time wasn't entirely filled with sorrow. Clara and Remus had grown much closer as they discovered they were much more similar than they had ever realised. Particularly with their disinterest in Quidditch and fondness for muggle movies – especially the scary ones like Carrie and The Exorcist. The two had already compiled a list that they wanted to watch together over the summer, much to James and Peter's dismay – neither of whom particularly cared for horror films.
While Clara couldn't help Remus on the nights of the full moon, she knew she could be there for him afterwards. After talking with Madam Pomfrey, and with Remus' blessing of course, they moved her shadowing schedule to correspond with each month's full moon. The next of which was to happen that coming weekend.
On the Tuesday before, Clara was sat at the foot of Peter's bed, listening to the boys discuss their worries about how they would handle their first full moon without Sirius' aid. The fact that they had all taught themselves how to transfigure into animals was so impressive to Clara that she was almost able to look beyond how illegal it was that the group of teenage boys were all unregistered animagi.
It was somewhat sad that what finally brought her closer to her brother's friends was such a horrible situation, but the free periods she spent with them was shockingly enjoyable. She actually enjoyed Remus and Peter's company, much to her surprise.
"Nonsense, Moony. We'll be alright, we always are." James assured Remus who had just finished another of his anxious rants about how dangerous it could be without Sirius' help. The boy had spent almost the entire morning trying to convince James and Peter that he'd be alright without their help for at least one full moon.
Despite the bright smile on James' face, Remus clearly was unconvinced. Clara felt helpless. No words of reassurance could provide him any solace and she knew she wasn't going to be able to teach herself how to transform into a jackrabbit or something in the next four days. So, she sat quietly beside Peter while the other two continued their bickering that James masked with endless optimism.
"Hand me that, would you?" James pointed at a blank piece of folded parchment on Remus' bedside table after the topic of the full moon had finally been dropped at last.
The boy huffed and rolled his eyes as she stretched out on his bed to reach for it before sitting back up and handing it off to James. "You know you'll go mental checking all the time, Prongs." Remus tutted with a frown.
Clara was thoroughly confused with the exchange, but no more so than when James pointed his wand at the parchment and whispered "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
As if ink was seeping out of the end of James' wand, words appeared over the front of it and Clara immediately jumped up from Peter's bed to get a closer look. Pushing her brother aside, she peered over the parchment in awe.
"Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs..." she trailed off before looking up at her brother, "The Marauder's Map?"
Her brother nodded as he tossed his wand aside and moved back on the bed, sitting on his knees so he could unfold the parchment and flatten it against his quilt. Clara had no idea what to expect from a map her brother and his friends had made, but in her mind it certainly wasn't a detailed layout of the entire castle including several passageways she'd never even seen as well as a tracker on every single person in the school.
"Blimey, James," she breathed in disbelief before looking over at Remus and Peter, "You lot are brilliant!"
Remus, who looked otherwise disinterested in what James was up to couldn't help but chuckle, "Why the tone of surprise?"
Utterly speechless, Clara found herself too consumed with the map to humour Remus with a response. Right away, she began looking for anyone she could think of to see what they were up to around the castle. Gideon and Fabian were down in the common room. Lily was in the library with a girl named Mary Macdonald. Dumbledore was pacing in his office. And up in Ravenclaw Tower sat Marlene and Sirius, side by side.
"He's still with McKinnon. I reckon, we won't run into him on the way to Filch's office. You got the Dung Bombs ready, Wormtail?"
Before Peter could respond, Clara interrupted with a frown, "Do you just use this thing to check where Sirius is?"
"Seems that's all Prongs uses it for these days," Remus interjected, "I can't be bothered."
"It's bad enough seeing him in class, I don't need to run into him in the corridors as well." James muttered with a roll of his eyes
Clara chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, "Has he tried to talk to any of you?"
"He tried to talk to Wormtail the other day after class," Remus rolled his eyes, "Never seen Peter run away that fast in my life."
"To be fair I was already late to Transfiguration and I promised Gideon I would let him compare our answers on the homework!" Peter quickly defended himself.
"But not you, Remus?"
The boy shook his head and laid back in his bed, staring at the canopy above him, "Not a word."
That didn't sit right with Clara, but she didn't dare mention her feelings on the matter. She merely let the silence linger as she watched James whisper to his map once more as all the names and footprints faded away to nothing.
"How many more secrets have you kept from me?" she asked as he stowed the parchment away in his side table drawer.
James shrugged, "I'm sure there's something I've forgotten."
Clara frowned as she furrowed her brows at her brother, clearly not pleased with this answer.
"But I promise as soon as I remember, I'll tell you!" he quickly amended his previous statement as he shared a glance with Remus over her shoulder.
There was obviously something James knew that Clara didn't. One more secret. Only this one wasn't his nor Remus' to tell. The only person who could divulge this particular truth wasn't on speaking terms with anyone in the room anymore.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✧・゜・。.
With only one more day left until the full moon, Clara found herself constantly worrying about Remus. It was eating her up inside. Even more so to know that she couldn't even vent to anyone, least of all to the redhead whom she had spent the last hour with in the library.
Of course Lily knew of the prank. Just none of the details. Which made it all the more difficult for Clara when the observant girl kept asking repeatedly if she was feeling alright. The poor redhead had been left in the dark on all the horrid details of the matter. All she knew was that James had protected Severus from a dangerous prank caused by Sirius and that he was no longer on speaking terms with the rest of the boys.
However, even in the midst of all her own worries Clara did notice that Lily's fondness for James had seemed to grow after the fact. Then again, she had the suspicion for a while that the redhead had formed a secret soft spot for her brother.
After more than an hour of Clara staring blankly at her Herbology textbook, Lily finally suggested they call it a night and head down to dinner. As the two had finished gathering their things, they made idle chit-chat on their way to the Great Hall. There was nothing particularly out of the ordinary on that Friday evening, given the circumstances. But then, as they rounded a corner, the girls suddenly came face to face with Marlene McKinnon. The blonde looked like a woman on a mission. As soon as their eyes met, Clara had a curious sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
"Could I have a word?" was all she asked and Clara's initial reaction was to say no.
It felt horrible to have isolated herself from her best friend the way she had. But out of everyone in the world, Clara was most loyal to James. That had become abundantly clear to everyone around them. Marlene was merely a victim of circumstance as the only friend that stood by Sirius' side in the aftermath. It was a conflict of interest. Just another thing that year that had caused the girls to drift apart.
"I can't, I'm running late for a meeting with Professor Slunghorn. He's writing me a recommendation letter for St. Mungo's." Clara lied.
While the letter of recommendation was true, Clara had gotten that from him weeks ago. However, the look on Marlene's face let her know she hadn't been convinced at all. Clara was a horrible liar, always had been. Besides, the blonde simply knew her far too well to ever be misled.
Even if Clara had a single cunning bone in her body, nothing would get past Marlene. After being attached at the hip for seven years and as close as sisters or soulmates, even Veritiserum would be rendered useless. Only because lies and secrets never succeeded when knowing someone better than yourself.
Lily, with her Charms textbook clutched tightly to her chest, sensed the conversation taking a turn by the look in Marlene's eyes, "I'll see you two at dinner, okay?"
The redhead hadn't even waited for a response before bidding a farewell to Marlene with a kind smile and hurrying down the corridor, leaving them on their own. The urge to call Lily back so she didn't have to deal with this on her own was quickly dismissed as she met the amber eyes of her dearest friend.
Even though Marlene's loyalty to Sirius had hurt Clara, Merlene was still her best friend and it would be a lie to say she didn't miss her. Despite this, Clara had a hunch where this conversation was headed and she couldn't bear to discuss Sirius with her. If not for her anger about the situation, then for her desire to act as though she didn't care that Marlene had chosen his side over hers.
"It's important." Marlene continued in earnest.
"If it's about Sirius, I don't want to hear it." Clara replied dismissively.
Marlene glanced over her shoulder to make sure they were truly alone before she brought her attention back to Clara, lowering her voice, "I know what happened – all of it – and I know you're all upset. But I really think you should talk to him."
"Why me? It's Remus he should speak to."
"None of them will give him a chance, I think if you hear him out, you'll be able to convince James to–"
"No, Mar." she interrupted sternly, "He has to make it right himself, not use me as some sort of messenger."
Marlene pursed her red lips for a moment before continuing, "Clara, please. He's been so torn up about it, especially with this weekend coming up. He can't fathom your brother and Peter helping Remus without him."
"Then maybe he should have considered that before tricking Severus into walking towards his death, shouldn't he?" Clara seethed in a whisper.
"He thinks you're the only one who will listen to him. Give him a chance." Marlene persisted.
"Well he's wrong."
Whatever anger had faded away in the weeks following the incident were all bubbling up inside Clara once more. It was a miracle that Professor Dumbledore had convinced Severus to maintain his secrecy about the matter. If he hadn't, the damage Sirius caused could have been so much worse. Remus could have been kicked out of school or arrested. Deciding she had enough, Clara turned over her shoulder to leave Marlene alone in the corridor but was stopped in her tracks.
"Clara, wait!"
She should have kept walking, she knew that. But she just couldn't, not when Marlene sounded so desperate. It caused an ache in her heart that was already broken beyond repair by everything that had gone on over the last month. When she turned back towards Marlene, she appeared to be at a loss. The blonde looked into Clara's eyes, seemingly searching for any shred of sympathy she may have still held for Sirius.
Maybe she had somehow found it because all she said before turning around and leaving Clara alone in the corridor was, "I'll tell him to meet you in the Boathouse after dinner."
"The Boathouse? Why there?"
Marlene shrugged, "Sirius seems to believe Filch is scared of open water, don't ask me. It's just where he told me to tell you to meet him."
.・。.・゜✭・.・✧・゜・。.
What compelled Clara to disappear after dinner and journey down to the Boathouse that sat along the Black Lake, she couldn't explain. After all, Sirius didn't deserve her time nor her compassion.
As she trekked through the moist Earth beneath her feet that was softened due to the endless springtime showers in Scotland, she wondered if her brother would find her on the map walking towards Sirius' name. But, as her shoes sank in the mud soaking through to her socks, she quickly forgot all about the map, and her brother, and even Sirius. Cursing under her breath, she pulled her foot away from the sludge of Earth her shoe had been caught in. She was about three seconds from giving up and turning back towards the castle when she saw him through the window of the Boathouse.
His distorted form was pacing back and forth waiting for her, trusting Marlene's word that Clara would show up. The only thing that forced her through that door was the desire to not turn her best friend into a liar. At the sound of the latch, Sirius spun around quickly and looked at her with hopeful eyes. As if her agreeing to show up would guarantee an acceptance of his apology. But the look on her face told a different story, one that he understood immediately as his face fell
She closed the door behind her but didn't take a step closer. The two stood there in silence. Clara with her eyes burning into the side of his face and Sirius looking anywhere but at her.
"Well?" she demanded sternly as her impatience with him grew.
"I'm sorry." he said so quietly, Clara almost didn't quite hear it.
But she did, and all she could do was let out an incredulous laugh which finally forced him to meet her gaze, "You're sorry?" she smiled in disbelief as she shook her head.
Despite the look on her face, the expression of a girl who had to find some sort of amusement in his poor attempt at rectifying the situation, the anger was still evident in her eyes. Sirius, however, remained silent. Clara instead took this opportunity to tell him exactly how she had felt over the last month. How her brother felt – his best friend.
"Sorry won't cut it, Sirius. Not for me, not for James, and least of all for Remus." she spat at him, now allowing her true feelings on the matter seep through like the mud on her shoes.
Sirius only nodded in return.
"They're all broken because of you. What you did to them is unforgivable. I have no idea why you're apologising to me when it's Remus you should be begging for forgiveness. What do you want me to do? Put in a good word for you? Try to help you get the band back together like you're The Beatles or some bollocks like that?"
All Sirius did was shrug while Clara continued on her rant as she took a step towards him.
"Severus could have died, Remus could have been sent to Azkaban. Don't you realise how serious this could have been? They trusted you."
Clara was now a breath's distance away from him, looking up at the boy as tears brimmed her eyes. A toxic cocktail of pain, anger, and confusion coursing through her veins. The grief and guilt in his own eyes grew at the sight of her and he parted his lips to utter another apology but she didn't want to hear it.
With force, she shoved against his shoulders and he stumbled back but he didn't try to restrain her as she pushed against him again with her tears now cascading down her cheeks. With his back against the wall, Clara grasped at his robes and dropped her head to his chest.
The boy had no idea what was going on in her mind. All of her conflicted feelings that had grown for him over the months. The friendship with him that she had secretly longed for. It had been destroyed before she could come to terms with how she felt about him. Because how could she ever fully trust him now? She couldn't, not after he had betrayed those closest to him.
It all over flowed as she sobbed into his jumper. Sirius' arms remained down at his side. In his mind, he'd simply let her take out all of her frustration on him until she felt better. Being someone's punching bag was the tip of the iceberg of what he felt he deserved. It wouldn't have been the first time, after all.
As she wept, his gaze remained firmly in place on the boats across from him that were tied to the dock, bobbing lazily with the current. He was trying desperately to keep his own emotions in order but what Clara said next was a turning point.
Though her voice was muffled in the fabric of his sweater, her voice went straight to the pit of his stomach when she said, "I really thought you were different."
She felt his hand come to rest on the back of her head, cradling her protectively against his chest and for a moment, she let the sound of his heart calm her. Until that feeling of rage grew once more as the memory of Remus in that hospital bed flashed in her mind and she pushed herself away from him with a scowl. When she was out of arm's reach, they looked at each other deeply, like they only had a handful of times in their lives.
For some inexplicable reason, this is what made Clara willing to finally listen to him, "Why did you do it?"
For once in Sirius Black's life, words failed him as he opened and closed his mouth with a shrug. There truly hadn't been a reason other than trying to get back at Severus. And that's when Clara's own feelings of guilt on the matter began to surface. What was torturing Clara had remained locked in the back of her mind. She hadn't confided in Remus or Peter, and especially not James.
"Did you do it because of me? Because I was down in the dungeons that day?"
He shook his head, "What? Clara, no. It had nothing to do with you."
The way her bottom lip tucked between her teeth caused Sirius' frown to deepen as he took a step towards her. Instinctively, she backed away, coming close to the edge of the dock. Sirius stopped short and sighed.
"Severus has been poking around our business for a long time. I thought if he got a good fright, he'd finally shut up. I never meant for him to get hurt, truthfully."
Clara looked at him disapprovingly and crossed her arms. It was as though Sirius shrank beneath her disapproving gaze, being reminded of all the disappointment he had caused his family in the past.
"So you put everyone in danger to prove a point?"
"I didn't intend for it to happen this way." he replied with his eyes glued to his feet.
The boy across from her held all the blame but she couldn't help but feel as though she had played a small role. "I feel like I could have stopped it, but I didn't." she said as she wiped his eyes with her sleeve.
Sirius' brows furrowed in confusion as he tore his eyes away from the floor and looked at her as if she were speaking another language, "What are you talking about?"
"Lily saw you and Severus that night. I don't know why, but of all people, she came to me. I told her not to worry about it." she shook her head, replaying the memory in her mind, "I was there when you told Severus to meet you that evening. I heard you say it, I knew you were up to something, and I ignored Lily."
When she gazed up at Sirius, he said nothing.
"Now my brother's a wreck and Remus is more closed off than ever," Clara's face had twisted into a pained expression, as if she couldn't even begin to understand her own feelings, "and now you and I–"
She stopped herself short out of fear of saying too much. Although, part of her worried that it was already too late and he'd somehow be able to read between the lines. That she feared whatever they were, whatever they could have been some day was irreparable.
"There was nothing you or Lily could have done." he said with certainty.
"We could have tried."
"If you two had come looking for us, things could have been a lot worse." Something in Sirius' eyes shifted, "Clara, if you had gotten hurt because of my stupidity I–"
Silence fell as they locked eyes with each other, almost as though they were trying to read the other's thoughts, "You what, Sirius?"
He swallowed thickly as he gazed at her, "If you had gotten hurt, I think it would have haunted me forever."
"Why?" she asked in a near whisper.
It was clear that he was thinking about his response very carefully. His eyes flicked across her features as if he were studying her, trying to formulate the correct response. Clara's heart rate quickened as his lips parted for only a moment. When his silver eyes met hers once more, his jaw clenched slightly before he looked down at his feet.
"Because you're James' sister." he muttered stoically, "It's all of our jobs to protect you."
Clara felt her heart clench and she couldn't even explain why. It was as though she had expected Sirius to tell her that she meant something to him. But she realised then and there that all she would ever be to him was James' sister.
That's the only reason he wanted her here. So she could get James to talk to him. Not because he wanted her forgiveness, not because he craved her attention or missed her growing fondness for him. Clara didn't mean anything to him. She was just a pawn in the chess game he was playing to win back his friends.
She cleared her throat and tightened her robes around her torso, hugging herself comfortingly, "Right, well, I think I've heard enough."
When she took her first step towards the door, Sirius called out for her, "Wait Clare, you'll talk to Prongs for me won't you?"
The sound of his nickname for her plunged into her heart like a dagger, twisting as it taunted her with the reminder that their friendship had been a farce. Whatever bond they had wasn't real, it was a lie. It was all probably to keep the peace with James, to be kind to his sister as a favour to him after years of relentless torment.
She paused with her grip on the handle, but she didn't dare look back at him, "I'll tell him we spoke."
With that, Clara disappeared into the Scotland sunset leaving her bottled up feelings for the boy alone with him in that Boathouse. As she trudged up the hillside, she hoped those emotions would drift out into the Black Lake and sink to the bottom where they could be forgotten forever.