Elizabeth looked very tired, from what Clementine saw. Her eyes were lined with deep dark circles. Her expression wasn't very pleasant either. In the light of the moon, the shadows on her face emphasized how unwell she looked.
Maybe Clementine hadn't noticed it before, but Elizabeth just looked stressed and out of it. And it looked like it had been that way for days or even weeks. Elizabeth had wrapped herself in a blanket, and it hung around her shoulder like a cape. Her hair hung around her face. The few times Clementine had seen Beth with her hair down, she always thought she looked pretty, and even now she did. In her hand was her cell phone.
Clementine had to bite the bullet already and acknowledge what had happened today. But that was something that was scary for no good reason. Beth had already proven herself as a good friend. Even then, she was afraid of judgment and cruelty from her friend.
But Beth softened, sighing and crossing her arms. She just seemed to droop like she hadn't slept in days. Clementine wanted to help her, more than she wanted to help herself. Beth just looked so relieved. It hit Clementine right there and then she must have worried Beth a whole hell of a lot to make her look as annoyed and tired as that. But Beth also seemed just entirely grateful that Clementine even answered her.
"I'm sorry for not answering you. I- um...had a lot on my mind," Clementine muttered weakly. She didn't really have the strength to want to look at her eyes, but she did anyway. She couldn't look away once she did.
Beth's eyes were so gentle and caring if a bit annoyed. From where she was standing, Clementine couldn't see the few freckles across Beth's face, or how there was a slight gap in Beth's front teeth, the acne scars, or the uneven eyebrows. But all of that was unabashedly Beth and she loved all of it.
She wanted a hug so badly.
But from where she was standing, separated by a window and a gap, there would be no hugs.
"You really worried me," Beth replied. Her voice wasn't critical or angry, just tired.
"I'm sorry."
There was a long silence. Clementine focused on her hands. She never thought they were particularly pretty, she didn't have long fingers or perfect nails. Her hands were short, her fingers were thick. Beth had nice hands, they looked perfect for playing the piano.
"You shouldn't be mad at yourself," Elizabeth told her. Clementine knew that Beth was right, but she was angry anyways. She felt as though she could have prevented this. Clementine said nothing, not because she didn't want to reply, but just because she didn't know what to say. The conversation wasn't tense but hung with the heavy air of exhaustion and sadness.
Clementine almost laughed, mocking herself more than anything, "Yeah well it feels like I did a damn good job of messing everything up," Clementine said, "Like I always do..."
Beth looked confused, "Mess what up?"
"Everything. I can't seem to do anything right. I can't make people like me and I can't be a good friend to you and I can't be the best student and I can't be the best sister or daughter. I mess everything up and I can't do anything about it."
Beth leaned against the side of the window, allowing her cheek to press against it. Her eyes drifted across the night sky, a dazed look on her face as she thought. Clementine stood there, waiting for her to say something, anything to make it less tense or nerve-wracking for Clementine.
"It's not your fault that people can be nasty sometimes. It's not your fault you get tired. All of us mess up, and this time it is not your fault," Beth told her. Clementine could not help her doubt that boiled to the surface of that. It wasn't her fault that people hated her, but hate does not come from anywhere. So what was it? What could she have possibly done?
Clementine deflated, any fight leaving her body as she slumped over at her windowsill, her forehead resting on her hands. Clementine wanted more than anything to be okay. She wanted to just stop other people, and be someone who blended into the crowd. She wanted to spend her regular days hanging out with Beth and not have the nagging worry in the back of her mind about others. She just wanted to be a normal kid.
She wished she never became friends with Adrianne.
Elizabeth waited. Clementine had nothing to say, well, nothing to say that would convince Beth that she was okay.
So why not? Why not hand Beth her heart? Let it beat in her hands, and trust in Beth that she wouldn't hurt it as the others did. She had once before. She let others listen to her secrets, and know her deepest darkest feelings about things and that ended up backfiring. So why not try again? Because someone never learns until the second time. But she had to have faith that at least this time, Beth wouldn't hurt her.
"I just wish," Clementine began, "That I never became friends with those people. If I knew what kind of people they were, then I never would have wasted my time. But I was stupid enough to trust them. That's my fault," Clementine's voice cracked at the last part. The entire thing was now starting to weigh on her. The reality of her situation. She didn't want to break in front of Beth. That would be utterly humiliating. She composed herself.
But Beth herself looked incredibly sad, looking down for a moment before looking at Clementine again, "I know, I know that feeling all too well."
Clementine waited for Beth to continue.
"You feel so stupid. You feel so angry. But mostly, you just hate them so much. You hate that they were ever your friends and you hate that you ever trusted them with anything. And you want to blame them, but you blame yourself as much as you blame them." Beth paused, sighing and pushing her hair out of her face. Her expression was one of sadness, of remembering something a long time ago.
But she continued, "You know deep down you never did anything. But there is still a part of you that loves them or had once loved them. And you just feel conflicted with yourself at all the happy memories that have now become sad and bitter. So you blame yourself for feeling that way. For everything," Elizabeth's eyes were far away. No tears, but a sadness that couldn't be faked.
"Who was yours?" Clementine asked. Elizabeth didn't answer at first, just avoided Clementine's eyes and picked at her fingers. She sighed, her head down in shame.
"Mine was named Amy. Mean bitch she was. Surprising to remember that we were once good friends. I think she liked me at one point, but after a while, she just didn't," Beth scoffed, rolling her eyes remembering it, "I used to wonder what was wrong with me, what I did that might have made her angry. In reality, I didn't do anything, she was just awful."
Clementine waited for Beth to stop shaking her head, and then asked, "Well, what was she like?"
Beth tried to explain, moving her hands, but she constantly stopped and thought about it, before groaning and putting her head in her hands, "She's...hard to explain. Sometimes she was nice and sometimes she was nasty to me. It got so much worse in eighth grade. I felt like an outsider with my own friends."
Clementine knew the feeling all too well. It was like hearing her own experience all over again. At the end of her friendship with her old friends, they treated her as though she wasn't welcome in the group anymore. Which only confused her because she didn't think she did anything wrong.
"But one of my other friends, her name was Minnie, never treated me as such. She was kind to me as always. And I was always so grateful to her for that. But Amy hated it. Instead of ending the friendship, she dragged a dead horse with the intention to hurt me. She was always childish, so now that I say it, I am not surprised," Beth recounted, using wild gestures and expressive faces to get her point across.
Beth paused, gathering her thoughts, "The thing is, at this time, I was very into photography," Clementine wondered what this had to do with her the story, but Beth continued before she could say anything, "I loved it so much, I thought it was so cool to capture a moment in time. My mom used to take me to places just so we could take pictures. I tried several times to share my interests with others but all I got was disinterested replies and eventually, I just stopped."
There was a nagging question in Clementine's mind, so she asked it, "What was it that ended your friendship for good?"
Beth looked so tired, like the act of remembering was sucking the life out of her. But she straightened up, and put her hands together, "It was a slow build-up of things. Amy never invited me anywhere. She never included me in anything. She insulted me and covered it up by saying it was a joke. She deliberately tried to distance me from everyone. But I guess it sealed it when I hung out with Minnie and didn't tell anyone else. I don't know what it was about it, but this completely pissed off Amy."
Beth had trouble explaining the next parts, so Clementine tried to say, "Did she hurt you? Did she spread a rumor?"
Beth smiled but it wasn't one of happiness, but of pain, and she explained, "No. It turns out she had been listening to me when I talked about photography. One day, I guess I wasn't paying attention, and I left my bag behind. but when I tried to get it it was just gone. I looked everywhere. I ended up finding it. It was in a fountain near my school."
Clementine's heart sank.
"I knew who it was immediately. I remember being so angry. All of my things were destroyed, my camera was smashed as well as soaking. Some of my photos were burned and my journals couldn't be recovered," She paused and took a breath, "I lost years of my life when she tossed that bag into the fountain. I sat there for a long time, just picking all of my stuff up and staring at it. The cherry on top was that my school work and folders were also ruined. I had to redo everything."
"Did you tell your mom?" Clementine asked quietly.
Beth scoffed, "No, I didn't want to bother her. But she knew something was up when I stopped taking pictures. I told her I wasn't interested anymore."
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't be sorry. It's something that happened, and it's something I can't change. But yeah, after that, everything kinda just disbanded. Minnie didn't believe any lies Amy tried to tell. She was the first one to leave, after me of course."
Beth was silent. She was remembering something painful, Clem knew from the look on her face. It was anguished, pained. Her eyes were misty and behind them was residual anger.
"Minnie showed me all of these screenshots of a group chat I was never in. And for good reason. All of them showed everyone, in some way or another, to be mocking me. My weight, my teeth, my skin. There was always something, and they weren't nice about it." Beth said quietly. Her voice broke a few times. It still hurt her.
"It was so strange to know these people and then realize they never liked you. It changes your worldview and the way you think. Minnie apologized, but after middle school, I just was fine with not remembering any of it, since none of them would be following me here. But it did follow me, and it still bothers me. But you know what?"
"What?"
"It's not my fault that Amy had something against me. It's not my fault that I was being made fun of. I never did anything wrong. It was them, they made the choice to hate me. I made the choice to be kind. I made the choice to try and impress them. I tried so hard to be nice. But my kindness was not wrong. Their cruelty was."
Clementine's eyes burned. She didn't mind crying in general, but now she wanted to suppress the tears so badly.
"Their cruelty caused me to stop taking pictures. Their cruelty caused me to distrust people. Their cruelty hurt me so deeply that it changed the way I viewed the people around me. I'm not stupid for doing that. I'm not sensitive or weird. They made a choice, and I have to deal with the consequences of it."
"Do you still wish it never happened?" Clementine asked, now allowing a tear to run.
Beth smiled reassuringly, "Every day, and every time I think about it. But I cannot change it. I can only learn from it."
"Is it wrong to still feel like I'm stupid?" Clementine said once more.
"No. It just takes time. A lot of time to come to terms with it. But when you do, it will still hurt, but less, and you will just realize others' cruelty is not a consequence of anything you did. But a consequence of their morals."
Clementine suddenly remembered something, "Are you scared to be my friend?"
Beth smiled, but this time it was affectionate, it was kind, "I was, but this is part of growing from it, I guess."
Neither of them spoke, the night air still and silent again. But Clementine wiped her eyes and gave Beth a smile.
"I hope we can be friends for a very long time."