A Little Help from a Snake...

By onyxjay

2.9M 108K 69.2K

(Aka the Tomalongadingdong™ fic) It was a normal day for Harry. He woke up, made breakfast for his relatives... More

Before You Read
0: Prologue
1: The Letter*
2: And They Were Soulmates*
3: All Aboard!*
4: Getting Sorted Out
5: Severus Snape
Part 6*
7: Dobby
8: Train Has Left the Station*
9: Ripping and Tearing is Kinky
10: The Legendary Chamber*
11: Lockhart is Still Alive
12: Diary of a Teenage Voldemort
13: Thnks fr th Mmrs*
14: The Nicknames Begin*
15: The "Rescue"*
16: Going Down Like a Lead Balloon
17: A Grim Tale
18: Diagon Alley*
19: Lone Wolf*
20: This Is What You Came For, Isn't It?
21: Mapped Out
22: Monster in the Wardobe
23: Snape Adopts a Teenage Dark Lord
24: Tiny Blond Fucker
25: The Man Who Cried Werewolf*
Part 26*
Part 27
28: Dun Dun Dun!
Part 29*
Part 31
Part 32*
33: Harry the Heinous*
34: A Serious Discussion About Gas
35: Finally Fourteen
36: Something of a Riddle
Part 37
38: Raining on One's Parade
Part 39
Part 40
41: Cliffhanger in Part 40
42: Can I Get a Fuck No!
43: Calmly™
Part 44
45: The Skrewts Started the Fire
Part 46
47: Sixteen Going on Seventeen
Part 48
49: Caught Six-Legged
50: Snape, Snape, Swearverus Snape
Part 51
Part 52
53: Baby, It's Cold Outside*
Part 54
Part 55
56: The Lion, the Witch, the Audacity of This Bitch
Part 57
Part 58
(Somewhat) Updated Reading Checkpoint
59: Caught Pink-Handed!
Part 60
61: Spring Has Arrived
Part 62*
Part 63
64: Back Home
65: Ding Dong! Tomalonga is Back!
Part 66
Part 67
Part 68
69: The Party for the Bonding Ceremony
70: The Actual Bonding Ceremony
71: The Aftermath of the Bonding Ceremony
Part 72
Part 73
Part 74
Part 75
Part 76
Part 77
Epilogue
Thank You! (Again)

Part 30*

14.8K 601 364
By onyxjay

Revised: March 7, 2022

I have finally improved the chapter! Hooray!

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Summary: Remus snogs parchment (not really); Harry is a pain in the arse that knows how to rhyme; Azure can swear



Harry found himself having a hard time concentrating. Severus had given him a note saying that Lupin would be all right now, but he had had no time to go see for himself. The only reassurance he had was when he saw Lupin during lunch. Their eyes locked briefly, and Lupin gave him a small nod. Harry blinked in acknowledgement and turned away.

When classes were over for the day, Harry took his chance and headed over to see Lupin.

He was relieved when he answered the door. "Hello, Harry," Lupin greeted him.

"Hi." Harry stepped in and looked him over. "How are you feeling?" It felt like a stupid question to ask, but Lupin answered nevertheless.

"Still a little shaky, but overall, I'm all right." Lupin smiled at him briefly. "Severus told me you know about the soul bond."

Harry nodded.

"I'm glad to hear that. I was afraid you would never find out, or that you would find out but wouldn't want anything to do with him."

"Well, when I first learned who he was, I was in quite a state of shock," Harry admitted. "I didn't want to accept it at first, but he was chosen for a reason. Right?"

"Indeed, he was." Lupin sat down at his desk, looking at his students' assignments. "No one knows how exactly bonds are chosen, but it is widely believed that they are based off of power and compatibility and that Lady Magic will guide those she believes will be a good couple, whatever that may be for the people involved."

"Meaning?"

Lupin waved a hand. "Don't worry about that at the moment. Just focus on your schoolwork and we'll discuss it when the time comes." He turned back to the assignments in front of him and groaned softly. "How does Hermione write so small?" he muttered.

He leaned down, squinting, until his face was plastered against the parchment.

Harry blinked. He was by no means an expert, but he was pretty sure you weren't supposed to snog your students' homework. "Did Severus tell you anything else?" he asked.

Lupin lifted his head again. "He said that Sirius is innocent. I — I take it that's true?"

Harry nodded, and regret and longing flickered in Lupin's eyes.

"I should have known," he murmured. "There had been quite a bit of wariness surrounding him and me before that night. I had doubts of Sirius' allegiance, and he had some of mine. It should have been obvious something was off."

"It's not your fault, Lupin," said Harry. "You were played. Pretty damn well, I hate to admit."

"Call me Remus when we're not in class," Lupin said distractedly, making a note on Hermione's assignment before moving on. "Anyway, how did you find out about Peter being alive?"

"Sirius told me. Oh, by the way, I have the Marauder's Map," Harry replied, removing it for Remus to see.

Remus' eyes widened as he stared at the parchment. "How did you —? Where did you get this?"

"The Weasley twins nicked it from Filch."

"Somehow, that doesn't surprise me," Remus said with a chuckle. "Back to Tom. Severus mentioned Horcruxes. Do you know how many he made?"

"Not exactly. So far, we have the diary" — Harry held it up — "Ravenclaw's diadem, and Marvolo Gaunt's ring." Apparently, there had been several dark curses on it, including one that would have resulted in inevitable death. Fortunately, Severus had removed them all.

"Three is still a large number," Remus noted in alarm.

"I know. I keep reminding Tom of what a stupid move it was to do even one."

"Not this again!" Tom leapt out of the diary to glower at Harry, who merely grinned.

Remus sighed, barely reacting at his sudden appearance. "Severus did also say that you two are pains in the arses."

Tom would deny it to his dying breath — not that he had any currently — but his voice took on a whiny edge. "I'm not a pain in the arse."

"Oh, but I am?" Harry said, pressing a hand to his chest indignantly. "You're not going to defend your soulmate? The love of your life? The awesomest person in the world? Thanks a lot, Tomalongadingdong."

Tom stared at him, eyes narrowed. Then he turned to Remus, who was biting his lip to stifle his laughter. "Okay, maybe we are a bit of a handful," he conceded reluctantly.

"More like a cauldronful."

This time, Remus couldn't hold back his amusement and threw his head back, chortling. "Oh, you two are perfect for each other. And not just magically, either."

"That's what Sirius implied," said Harry, grinning.

The laughter died in Remus' throat, and when he spoke, he sounded hesitant. "How... how is he?"

"He's all right, considering the circumstances," Harry reassured him. "He was pretty angry when he heard about what happened to you."

"More like furious," Tom added.

Azure, who had been unusually quiet since Harry walked in, took that moment to speak up. 'Furious, curious, delirious —'

"Enough!" Harry and Tom groaned.

Azure just hissed in reply.

Remus shook his head. Merlin help them all if these two would be one of the most powerful couples in the wizarding world. "Well, I'm glad that everything is fine now. I'll see you later, Harry."

"You, too, Remus. Come along, Tomalongadingdong. Hey, that rhymed!"

Harry looked so pleased with himself, and Azure looked so proud, that Tom immediately jumped back into the diary without another word.

Feeling better now that he knew for certain that Remus would be okay, Harry entered the dungeons in higher spirits. Draco and Pansy noticed and didn't have to ask to know what cheered him up. They spent most of Saturday finishing up their current assignments and then playing chess.

"Honestly, Harry, you are hopeless at chess!" Draco said, exasperated, as he won for the third time in a row.

"I know," Harry grumbled.

"Move aside, Potter," said Tracey. "Let me show you how it's done."

Draco gulped. If there was one person who made a challenging chess opponent, it was Tracey Davis. Ron Weasley was even better, not that anyone in Slytherin would admit to that.

Tracey ended up beating Draco within ten minutes.

"Pay up," Daphne said to Theo.

"You bet on me?" asked Tracey, raising an eyebrow as Theo grumpily handed over a Galleon.

"Theo thought it would take fifteen minutes for you to win. I said ten," Daphne replied triumphantly.

"Have you ever won any game of chess, Harry?" Tracey asked.

"Once, and that was against Azure, so it doesn't really count."

'Chess is hard!' the snake groaned.

"You literally tried to move the king into the pawn's path," Harry recalled. "A pawn! Even after I told you you can't."

"Oh, Azure, you silly snake," Tracey said, rubbing her head.

Azure preened. 'I like her.'

"That's what you said when Blaise called me an idiot."

"You can be," Daphne said with a shrug.

'I like her, too.'

"Dammit," Harry muttered as Daphne laughed. It didn't take a Parselmouth to know what Azure had said.



That night, after curfew, Harry had Dobby take him outside Remus' quarters and, after making sure no one was around, quietly knocked.

"Yes?" came the wary response.

"It's me," Harry whispered.

Remus opened the door. "Hey," he said, and Harry didn't miss the relieved edge to his voice.

"Hey. Dobby will take us to the Shrieking Shack."

Remus looked at the house-elf, who beamed up at him. "Okay."

Dobby took his hand and Harry's in his own and the three disappeared from the room. They ended up in the dusty old bedroom where Harry had last spoken to Sirius.

Sirius yelped in surprise at the popping sound. "A little warning would have been nice," he griped, turning around with a scowl. His expression sobered upon seeing who it was.

Harry looked up at Remus, whose expression was filled with trepidation and a deep hunger that spoke of years of deprivation.

"Sirius," he murmured, his voice catching in his throat. In a poor effort to lighten the mood, he added, "Looking rather ragged, aren't we? Finally, the flesh reflects the madness within."

Sirius cracked a grin. "Well, you'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you Remus?"

Harry looked between them, hoping they'd snap out of it now. They did not. He sighed, placed a hand on Remus' back, and shoved him.

Caught off guard, Remus staggered forward, his arms instinctively grabbed onto Sirius' shoulders. Sirius snapped out of his daze and pulled him upright, their faces inches from one another.

"You're here..." Sirius rasped.

Remus' voice was equally raspy. "Yes..."

"You're actually here..."

"Yes." Remus wrinkled his nose. "Your breath stinks."

"Thanks," said Sirius sarcastically.

Remus stared at him, his brief annoyance fading as he gazed into his eyes. "I missed you..." he said, and the softness in his gaze made Harry shift his feet.

'It's like one of those cheesy films,' Azure muttered, also looking slightly awkward.

Remus seemed to remember where he was and pulled back first, face flushing. "Er — sorry, Harry."

"No, no, please," Harry said, "continue."

"Gladly," Sirius said, leaning forward as though he were going to kiss Remus, stinky breath be damned. He pouted when Remus turned his head away.

"We have other business to discuss, Padfoot. This can wait."

"But I did my waiting," Sirius protested. "Twelve years of it. In Azkaban."

"Relax," said Harry, "you'll have all the time in the world once you're free. Hey, Tom, come out, would you?"

Tom stepped out of the diary in all his beautiful glory. "I don't know why you need me to come out, Harry. You already know I'm gay."

Harry narrowed his eyes at him before turning away. "Anyway —"

'Anygay,' Azure piped up.

"Shut it, you. About Pettigrew —"

Azure arched her back and hissed.

"Sirius, how the hell did they not find out you were innocent at your trial? Surely some Veritaserum would have cleared everything up."

"Oh, yes." Sirius' face twisted into a snarl. "If I hadn't been thrown right into Azkaban without one."

Four pairs of eyes stared at him.

"You didn't receive a trial?" said Harry.

"Apparently, the fact I was the only one standing was enough proof I was guilty," Sirius replied.

'Hippogriff shit!' Azure hissed.

"Language," Harry and Tom said in unison.

"Who taught her how to swear?" asked Remus.

"Not me," the teens replied. It was hard to see who was lying; they both had the perfect mask of innocence.

Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius, who snickered.

"Draco's father is high up in the Ministry, isn't he?" Tom said after a moment.

Curious, Harry looked up at him. "Yes, why?"

"If he uses the right words, he could convince Fudge to look into the crime. Then Black can get his trial."

"Brilliant! I'll write to him tonight."



Not even two mornings later, the Great Hall was in disarray. Copies of the Daily Prophet covered nearly every inch of the tables. Sirius Black was going to be given a trial?

"But why?"

"We know he's guilty!"

Many people turned to look at Harry. He was seemed to be taking it rather well for someone who had been directly impacted by that night's events.

"You don't look surprised," murmured Pansy, watching as Harry calmly ate.

Harry's gaze flicked up and met hers for a second before dropping, not needing to answer in words.

Dumbledore nearly spat out his pumpkin juice as he read the article. Since when had Minister Fudge decided that Sirius Black needed a trial? This wasn't part of the plan!

McGonagall was frowning into her breakfast. "Why now?" she said, and Dumbledore couldn't tell if she was asking him or just speaking aloud. "He should have had one immediately after."

"Who knows?" Remus looked just as confused. "A lot happened that night."

Dumbledore continued to eat his meal, though he couldn't help but wonder how much Remus knew. He had the distinct feeling that Remus was no longer under his thumb, but he didn't dare approach him. As much as Severus despised Remus, he'd surely be very suspicious if Remus came to him again with injuries that clearly did not come from his transformations.

He was losing his pawns, Dumbledore realized with dawning horror. Harry, Severus to a degree, now Remus. Even the Gryffindors were utterly useless. Ron and Hermione seemed to have come to a silent agreement to not bother Harry, and Ginny had absolutely no interest in pursuing a relationship with him.

Something was going on. And Dumbledore had to get to the bottom of it.

He shot a glance at Sirius' image. But first, the trial.



Regarding the ring, I completely messed up and forgot to add it in earlier. I hope the mention compensated for that

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Previously, at the end, I had a brief section where Lucius spoke to Fudge about getting Sirius a trial. I decided to change that to how the Hogwarts residents reacted to hearing about it — but mostly Dumbledore's thoughts because who doesn't love to see his plans failing miserably?

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