Wei Ying, Yunnan
The next few days are a blur. A village nearby was cut off due to landslides. The military forces have managed to open up those roads and patients are flooding in from there. Between Wen Ning and I, we try coordinating our shifts at the YMC so we can keep an eye on Uncle. A-Qing visits in the evening time as much as possible. She is trying to keep working with her clients using online meetings just like she did with me.
Lan Zhan and I get to barely see each other. With everything going on, we both have worked through our weekly days off in the last couple of weeks. He seems to have pulled away from me. I don't know why and this not knowing bothers me a lot. But there's nothing I can do except wait for a chance for us to talk to each other.
I have had one panic attack so far and that too at the hospital. It was when I went to visit our fourth uncle. There I ran into Uncle Wen and Aunt Sui He. With great difficulty, I managed to exchange some pleasantries before I had to run to a restroom, puke my guts out and end up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Thankfully no one saw anything. I managed to take a quick shower before getting back to my desk. I haven't told anyone other than A-Qing about this.
Finally, they tell us that Uncle is getting better and we are hoping he will be discharged in the next two or three days.
"That's great news, A-Xian.", A-Qing grins when I meet her that evening. "A-Cheng is coming tomorrow. He will be here for at least a week. When we return to Beijing we will plan to take uncle with us this time. Uncle has worked all his life. It's time he retires and lives with us kids." she starts making plans happily.
"That's a great plan, A-Qing. A-Ning said he is trying to get a job in Beijing too. All of us can be together there then.", I like her plans.
At the back of my mind, I am still worried about what Wen Ning had shared with me. As I had told him, I have lost so much. I don't want any harm to come to them. After I had taken his card, I have tried to create some false trail that will lead whoever to believe that someone else (me!) was trying to get the evidence and not Wen Ning himself. Hopefully, that should keep Wen Ning safe at least for the time being.
That evening when I meet Lan Zhan, I tell him about our plans, "Lan Zhan, today finally they have said that Fourth Uncle will get discharged soon. A-Qing is planning to take him back to Beijing. I hope he agrees. I hope Wen Ning can also get a job in Beijing. Then their whole family can be together. Uncle has worked hard as long as I have known him. I hope he gets to spend the rest of his years peacefully."
"That's great. Your whole family will be together. You will be happy then...", he says. I don't know how to answer that. Truth be told, I am happy for Wen Qing, Wen Ning, and Jiang Cheng. But for me? I can't imagine a life without Lan Zhan anymore. Even the thought of it pains me. Will I ever be able to smile? Will I be happy? I am lost in my world when Lan Zhan calls my name, "Wei Ying, what happened? It's a good thing, isn't it?" "Hm...", I force myself to nod.
"Lan Zhan, when this mission finishes and we return back to our jobs where will you be? Will you... remember me, maybe? Will we be able to meet each other?", I can't stop my voice from wavering.
"I will go wherever they post me. I don't know if we will be able to see each other. But I will remember you. You are a good person, Wei Ying", Lan Zhan answers all my questions.
His answers only bring more questions. "A good person? Only a good person? Am I nothing more than that to you? All the times you helped me, took care of me, was that only out of pity?" I am heartbroken. But I don't show any of it when I smile back and say, "I will remember you too, my Lan Zhan." It's so hard to stop my tears, but I manage it somehow.
Later that night I get a nightmare. They have taken Wen Ning. I watch him get tortured like I was three years ago. I scream telling them to let him go. When I wake up, I see Lan Zhan. I am in his arms again. I am shivering and crying. When I tell him about the stuff I dreamed of, he tells me to call Dr. Wen Ning. I calm myself down and do that. I feel a lot better when I hear his voice and know that he is alright. As we go back to sleep, I make up my mind. Tomorrow Jiang Cheng will be in Yunnan. I will meet with him and tell him to take Wen Qing and Wen Ning back to Beijing, ask him to protect them. With that thought, I drift off to sleep.
The next day is as busy as usual. I do take time in the afternoon to work with the senior team members in my team to plan the next few days. In the evening when the team is about to change shifts I am in surgery and I tell them to go without me. I plan to first meet with Jiang Cheng and then take a cab back to the base.
After finishing surgery I text Lan Zhan as I am heading out, "Done with surgery. There's one more thing I need to take care of. Will get late. Please don't wait for me. Good night, Lan Zhan." I don't get any reply. Maybe he is busy, I assume.
On reaching Hilton, A-Qing takes me up to her suite. Jiang Cheng's business is doing well and he is able to afford a place like this. I am very happy for them. I am proud of my friend. Yes, although he broke our friendship and we have never spoken to each other for the last three years, I still consider him my friend. I don't blame him for what he did. I know I deserved it.
"So you are really here", Jiang Cheng says in a mocking tone as he sees me walk up the foyer.
"Hello to you too, A-Cheng", I say. "Are you here to enjoy some free food?", he is trying to provoke me, but I have known him since we were kids. I don't let him get to me.
"A-Cheng, sorry to disappoint you, but I am not here for the food. I have something important to share with you both. Please listen carefully first, then I will leave. Do you remember the reason Uncle Jiang was killed?", I want to get to the point quickly. But Jiang Cheng misunderstands me and gets angrier.
"I thought you were smarter than to bring that up, Wei Wu Xian", he growls. "A-Cheng, Uncle Jiang was killed because I told him that I had discovered a narcotics network being operated at YMC. A few weeks ago, A-Ning showed me proofs that he had collected about the same thing. There's a possibility that his life and A-Qing's and yours too might be in danger. I came here to let you know all this in person because this isn't something I could talk about over the phone. I didn't want to burden A-Qing here while she was alone either. That's why I had to wait." I reveal more detail and that captures both of their attention.
"I have done some things to redirect their suspicion to me whoever 'they' are. I am hoping they might not come after me because I am always with the military team. But if they do, I want you, Jiang Cheng to take Uncle, A-Qing, and A-Ning and leave Yunnan. Save them first. All the proof that I had collected and the stuff that A-Ning had collected has been securely backed up at a location that only I know of. Hopefully, I will never need to share it with you guys and I will be able to complete what I started three years ago by myself. I just want to make sure all of you are safe before doing anything else on this.", I lay down my thought process and hope they agree to it.
"Wei Wu Xian, you have not changed. Always trying to be the hero. Ugh. Anyways this time you have done us a favor by trying to protect my wife's brother. So I would like to do something for you too.", Jiang Cheng is all business-like. He does not like to take favors. He walks to his bag and takes out a very tiny black object. "This is a network-enabled audio-video device. You can stick it to a button on your shirt. If anyone does come to harm you, you can activate it and it will start transmitting to me. I have programmed it to notify me directly. Use this to save yourself if you are ever in danger. Use this wisely.", he tells me.
I thank him, take the device, and head out.
When I am in the cab as if on some cue, it happens. I get a call from an unmarked number. My mind goes back to three years ago when I had received one such call and I tremble with fear. Somehow I manage to answer and my fears come true when it's a muffled voice. If I value the life of Wen Ning and Wen Qing, they want me to surrender. They want me to meet them at a certain location alone. I have 24 hours to decide. If I tell anyone else, they will start hurting people.
I close my eyes and decide on a course of action. Maybe I could tell Lan Zhan about all this and ask for his help? Would it burden him? Would I be risking his life by doing that? I am in two minds.
I reach the base and get to D23. As I step inside I see Lan Zhan sitting on his bed with his headphones and a book. He looks at me with cold eyes. "What did I do? Is he mad at me?", I am worried. The pale eyes that looked at me with so much affection and warmth once, now look purely glacial.
"Where the hell have you been?", he seethes in anger. "I... I went to meet with A-Qing...", I stammer.
"What kind of irresponsible behavior is this Dr. Wei Wu Xian? As your counterpart on the side of the armed forces, I am responsible for your safety. How am I supposed to ensure any of that if you keep gallivanting through town so late at night? As a team leader, what kind of precedence are you setting?", he yells at me.
I want the ground to crack open and bury myself inside. "I am sorry. I was wrong. It won't happen again. Please forgive me, Captain Lan.", I respond through gritted teeth. Then I hurry up to collect my clothes and run to the bathroom. My own tears mix freely with the water from the shower. "What did I do that was so wrong? Am I not your Wei Ying anymore?", I want to ask, but I don't.
When I go out, I see that Lan Zhan has already turned off his light and he is sleeping with his headphones on. I get in bed and try to sleep.
It must be after a few hours, when I find myself in a dark room with blinding lights that are hiding someone. They are hitting me, asking me questions. I am bleeding. I am unable to speak or move. I wake up sobbing and run to the bathroom. As I am regurgitating all the contents of my abdomens out, I hear Lan Zhan knocking on the door. "Wei Ying, let me in...", he sounds worried. My tear ducts create more saltwater than ever before, on hearing that name in that voice. I break down completely and bite down on my knuckles to stop from making a sound. At last, I gather myself and brush my teeth before coming out.
I have made up my mind. I am aware of what might happen today. I have committed to myself that I will not involve him. Unless there is no other way, I will keep him away from this mess. His being upset with me, maybe it is for the best. He might have an easier time dealing with my disappearance if he hates me already.
He moves to my side as soon as I step out. "Wei Yiaa... what happened?" He extends his arms trying to support me as I sway. But I move away from him. "Just upset stomach, Captain Lan. I am alright. I will be. I will take medicine. Don't worry. I must have eaten something wrong." I make excuses, fake a smile, and get to the wardrobe. "Do you want to use the bathroom? Or is it okay if I get ready first?" I ask casually, hoping that my eyes are not giving away the fact that I have been crying.
"You can go ahead," he says and moves back to his bed. He looks crushed, and I want to pull him close to my heart and console him. I want to somehow take the hurt away. But I hold on to my resolve desperately and do nothing.
I get ready and step out of our room. After I meet with my team, I come back. Lan Zhan is still in the bathroom. I leave a couple of notes for him, gather my stuff and head out. I do not know if I will ever come back to this room again.
Lan Zhan, Yunnan
Looks like my wish for the days to go faster has been granted but not the way I wanted it to be. Wei Ying and I have both become so busy that we barely get to talk to each other. And when we do talk it's mostly about work or his uncle or the Wen siblings. I miss having him to myself.
Our investigation related to the narcotics case is gathering attention. Some of our leads are pointing to the local law enforcement agency. This case is getting more and more involved.
It is just one such busy evening when he tells me that their uncle is about to be discharged from the hospital. They are making plans for asking their uncle to live with them in Beijing. "The whole family will be together...", he tells me. I feel my heart sinking. "That's great. Your whole family will be together. You will be happy then...", I manage to reply. His face gets clouded. Does the thought of separating from me pain him too?
"Lan Zhan, when this mission finishes and we return back to our jobs where will you be? Will you... remember me, maybe? Will we be able to meet each other?", he asks. Does he care? Once he has his whole family together, will he remember me?
I have always had a hard time remaining impassive around him. But I do try my best. I tell him I would go wherever I get posted. I tell him that I will remember him. That I don't know if we will be able to meet. My heart is breaking. I don't want to part ways with him. I don't know if I can survive.
That night his nightmare comes back. It's a little past midnight when I wake up to him whimpering. When I manage to wake him up he tells me that Dr. Wen Ning is in trouble. He has been hanging out with Dr. Wen Ning a lot these days. Did they watch any action movies or something? "Do you know if Dr. Wen Ning is at YMC right now? If he is, do you want to call and speak with him?" I suggest. He decides to take my suggestion and calls Dr. Wen Ning. Once he is sure that the younger Wen is alright, we go back to sleep.
The next day is busy. Pressure is building at work to figure out the narcotics business and put an end to it. Despite having a lot of work, I find myself thinking about Wei Ying. I am worried about him for some unknown reason. I wait for him to come back with the team in the evening but he does not show up. Si Zhui tells me he was in surgery when they left. I decide to pack some dinner for him just in case he gets late.
At the dinner table Su She joins us. When he sees the packed dinner, he comments, "Captain Lan, you sure do care a lot about your roommate, don't you? But I don't think you need to do that tonight. I heard his girlfriend is in town, I am sure she will be taking real good care, of all his needs.", he looks at the others and winks. I don't react to any of it, but his words sting me.
"Girlfriend?", Jing Yi asks surprised. He looks at me and then back at Su She. "Oh yes, his love affair is quite the folklore out here in Yunnan...", Su She guffaws and then goes on to tell everyone about Wei Ying, Wen Qing, and Jiang Cheng.
I have lost my appetite. Barely finishing my dinner, I head back when Jing Yi calls me. "Captain, you forgot this", he hands me the packed dinner and I take it emotionlessly. "I... I am sorry for teasing you like that the other night, Captain. Dr. Wei seems to care a lot about you. I felt like you care about him too. So I thought... Him and you... Sorry if I offended you, Captain.", he apologizes. "Don't worry. It's all good.", I try to smile. Hopefully, the dimly lit area has concealed my real emotions.
When I get to my room, I place the containers on the dining table and grab a chair. Putting my head in my hands I let out a groan which I have been holding back. "Why Wei Ying? Why did you toy with me? And knowing all this why can't I still not let you go?" I realize despite everything my worry for him has not ceased.
Minutes tick by and I keep glancing at the door impatiently waiting for him to come through it. He does not. I am almost running out of patience and deciding to go to YMC myself when I get a ding on my phone. It's a text from Wei Ying. "Done with surgery. There's one more thing I need to take care of. Will get late. Please don't wait for me. Good night, Lan Zhan."
"Are you freaking kidding me? How can you just casually tell me not to wait? Can't you at least tell me what's keeping you?" my brain starts this imaginary conversation with Wei Ying, which involves a lot of yelling. I wait for 30 mins and call him on his cell phone. He does not respond. I call the hospital hoping to catch him there. They tell me he has left. So the thing he had to take care of, was not at YMC? Has he really gone to meet Wen Qing again? Are they dating? Jealousy is starting to make me mad.
After about a couple more hours I hear the keys jingling at our door and he walks in. He looks exhausted. How dare he be so careless with himself? I can't control the fury I am feeling, "Where the hell have you been?", I bark out. "I... I went to meet with A-Qing...", he stammers. "Wen Qing? Again? He was with her at this time of the night?" I cannot stand it anymore.
"What kind of irresponsible behavior is this Dr. Wei Wu Xian? As your counterpart on the side of the armed forces, I am responsible for your safety. How am I supposed to ensure any of that if you keep gallivanting through town so late at night? As a team leader, what kind of precedence are you setting?", I lash out in my outrage. And then regret it at once when he looks completely crushed. "What did I do?!!" It looks like he will break down any minute crying. I didn't want that. I never ever want that. No, no, no... I did that to him. I hurt him. Again.
"I am sorry. I was wrong. It won't happen again. Please forgive me, Captain Lan.", he replies without meeting my eyes. Then hurriedly takes his clothes and goes to the bathroom before I can even think of a way to make amends. "Captain Lan" - those words from his mouth cut deep. But I realize I asked for that pain when I inflicted the same on him with "Dr. Wei Wu Xian."
I crash on my bed and run my fingers through my hair in frustration. My anger that was directed at him moments ago is pointed back at me now. How could I do something like that? Why did I do that? I did not even give him a chance to explain what happened. I don't know what to do. I decide to turn off the light and close my eyes to calm myself down. But all the tiredness gets to me and sometime later I drift off into a restless sleep.
By the time I wake up, it's almost morning and he is in the bathroom. I can hear him throw up, retch repeatedly. He is having a panic attack! I knock on the door, but he does not respond. After a while, he steps out looking like a ghost. His face is pale, eyes red and he sways on his feet as I ask him what happened. I instinctively reach out to steady him but he flinches away. His rejection makes me feel as if a sharp knife was plunged right into my heart. I am too shocked to do anything.
I watch helplessly as he gets ready and then steps out of the room saying he is going to meet with his team. Another frustrated sigh leaves me, but I realize I need to get ready myself. I go to use the bathroom. By the time I come back, I find that he has left. I see two notes stuck to my laptop.
"Captain Lan, I would like to request you to kindly reach out to Dr. Song Lan for any leadership level duties for this medical team, from now onwards. I have handed over everything to him. I apologize for my inability to perform these duties properly. Please forgive me. Sincerely, Dr. Wei Wu Xian."
"Lan Zhan, Can you find it in your heart to forgive your Wei Ying one last time? Please take care of yourself always. Be happy always. For me."
"One last time? What does that even mean? This sounds like a goodbye... Is this a goodbye? Why? What did I do?" I run towards the mess hall hoping to find him there. But he has already left towards the gate. I chase him there too. I see him talking to Dr. Song Lan. With everyone around, I hesitate to interrupt.
As Si Zhui starts the van engine and everyone starts getting on it, he turns to me, smiles and waves. His eyes glisten with unshed tears.
Once again within the last 24 hours, I watch helplessly as he moves away from me.
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{Image source: https://cfen.si/2020/08/21/chen-xiao-wang-yibo-in-character-for-upcoming-anti-narcotics-drama/}