CW: ANXIETY & MENTAL HEALTH
-Unknown-
I am so sad.
I'm so scared.
Change is never easy. I know. I know that change is scary and hard.
It's needed for growth though, right? Is that not what I keep telling myself? I need to change, to live out this new experience, to grow as a person. It's not like I don't have support for it. This support is way closer than my previous.
So, why was I less anxious? Does it have to do with the fact that I'm starting a clean slate, completely fresh and new and friendless. I should've read the reviews, right? So I'm stupid for jumping head-first.
How can I be less anxious?
I've not been stressing all week, but now it's hitting me like a truck. I'm so reminiscent of the past, but I can't deal with these changes. I'm scared and worried when I know it's going to happen regardless, so why do I stress myself out twice.
Deep breaths.
In.
Out.
I was never a fan of burgers.
Maybe that three-rule anxiety thing, first three things I see? A lamp. My printer. And... um... the old photo on my desk. I used to have blonde hair, but I've dyed it brown now. I think it suites me better.
It's so hard to go through something new, especially mid-way through a year. I feel like everyone knows everyone already, this is history repeating itself, so much deja-vu. It seems like they won't. It seems like they don't.
I have this superstition that odd years are my social years and even-numbered years are the years where I have no friends. I don't mind either, I'm definitely happier on odd years though.
I'm at a stage in my life where I should be asking myself why I care because I shouldn't. But this anxiety feels like a rock crushing my lungs and I've showered three times and still feel the weight of this stress.
It's a new situation, just six months. Focus on yourself. Focus on me. Familiarity will be only two hours away, not eight. Not eight grueling, long, sitting-in-a-car until my butt feels stiff. It's better. I hate being alone.
This was the right decision. This was the best decision. They were out to get you in that 8-hour-away place. It's good that you're moving closer to family. This new chapter is necessary.
The church is important to me, and the 8-hour-away place didn't really have one. I need to live with more conviction.
You'll be fine. You've been through so many changes and have met so many new people. Believe in yourself and be confident, that's when you make the most friends. Reach out, it's okay to connect. Dress nicely, be kind, relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Breathe.
Life is easy, don't waste time stressing. Go pack your things, though I know you don't want to leave.
It's so hard to convince myself, but I'm feeling a little better. Or perhaps I have every right to feel this frightened.
What's the worst that can happen? I move somewhere crappy and make no friends? At least I'll have a bit more privacy. I'll figure it out, and it won't be far from Rosemond. Family will be nearby. Familiarity will be close. It'll be okay.
I take five deep breaths in, feeling more and more light-headed after each one. I turn around in my swivel chair and face my desk, writing random nothings. Writing has recently become the greatest outlet for me.
I crane my head and make eye contact with the lightbulb of my lamp, it's blinding and it makes me miss the sleepless nights I'd spent studying at the library in college. I'm in the real world now. I'm not the first person to experience a big change. It's okay. It'll be okay. I'm not alone.
A soft tap on my window startles me and it makes me feel like I'm in high-school again. But, I don't have anyone to knock on my window, so this scares me further. My heart's racing, but I thought I'd calmed down. Is my anxiety back to strangle me this time?
Perhaps I'll die tonight and never have to face the big changes tomorrow brings.
The clock is tik-tik-tikking loudly in my ear as each second passes and I feel the time slowly smooth by. I wonder if it's a tree that hit my window, but I'm too anxious to check.
The short-hand of the clock lands on the twelve and I know its now the new day. My anxiety is spiking again and I wish I could control it.
In a matter of seconds, it's like the world fades in and out. I can't understand what the strange sounds in my apartment are saying. I live alone. Why are there voices? I start scrolling through my phone, looking up names of my new classmates.
I'm anxious.
Why is everyone so attractive?
Will I be able to blend in?
They look kind, they deserve to be there. I deserve to be there too. I got in on my own credentials. I worked hard.
Why are they so god-damned attractive?? Did this place only accept beautiful people? Does admissions bias it on attractiveness? Does that mean I'm considerably attractive.
Wow, how I've humbled.
My anxiety slowly dissipates as the excitement of meeting new people replaces it. I've learned to love people. I can't wait to be close to home and be able to attend classes with gorgeous people.
I feel blessed. Change is hard.
It truly is.
But it's worthwhile.
HIII MY LOVES <3
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! It's now 2022 and so weird to think that one year ago today, THE BOY WHO READ MINDS was published!!
It's been a while and I've been working on a lot of things. I'm excited to announce a lot of interesting stories I've stated working on, but knowing my schedule for the next few months, updates might not be as often. I really wanna thank you all for your support and for continuing to be patient with me as I try to continue updating my books!
Anyway! Who's POV do you think this is?
Hint...hint... it's someone from book 1...
Until next chapter