Chapter fourteen
He didn't
He wasn't the one who invited Minju, but he said Yes. The picture of them kissing was circulating after a few days. People who say they are in a relationship broke out the news. But no one denied nor confirmed it.
He was trying to reach me out those days, too, but I wasn't ready yet and found myself avoiding him. How I am supposed to face him like this? I know I didn't have the right to act like this, but I was hurt, had emotions, and couldn't control my own feelings. I just couldn't dictate to myself what to feel.
He wasn't dumb, and he could see all that. He tried approaching me multiple times, but I made excuses again to run away from him. I thought I was done doing that, but it seems like my coward self could never.
I acted busy and kept myself busy all the time, just like now. I was tired of thinking about the same things all over again and did my best to be occupied.
I was currently in the private room here at the library for a meeting. "Do you guys have any questions?" Our leader asked everyone to shake their head as a reply. Just like that, our meeting for reporting tomorrow ended.
I put my things in my bag and got ready to leave. After returning some library books, I decided to go to my locker room to get my books for the next subject.
I was busy looking for my key as I walked in the corridor when I bumped into someone, "I'm sorry." I immediately apologized and bowed. It was clearly my fault as I was not walking with my eyes on the way.
"I didn't mean it," I added and looked at the one who I bumped with. I was stunned when I saw Riki, In front of me.
He was just staring at me with those deep melancholy eyes; it was tamed and still soft and had that stares I once thought exclusive for me when it's not. Surely.
I averted my gazes, afraid to be fooled by his eyes. I was about to go when he softly held my arm, "Sunoo." He called me softly.
I like it the most when my name comes from his lips, it always gives me fluttery, but there's only fear now.
I gained all remaining strength to face him and met his eyes; I gave him a subtle smile all I could flash, "Until when are you going to avoid me?" He asked me too candid.
I hate how I see misery in his eyes as if I'm not the only one who's missing him. It's stupid to admit I do miss him, but it's definitely dumber, not when it's so clear.
I couldn't answer him and just looked at him; my eyes became watery, and I hated myself for that. Despite being hurt by him, I hate myself that I couldn't still deny how much I love him and his effect on me.
He slowly let me go when the crystal formed in my eyes became more visible. I smiled at him, trying to see him clearly despite the blurry vision,
"Should we talk now?" I asked him, trying my voice to be whole as I realized I couldn't avoid this forever, and there's no use waiting to be ready as that time won't just come. I need to face it if I want this over and get over him.
We are now at the garden where I cried that day; it was empty as always. There were only the sounds of the afternoon breeze and leaves flapping to one another as they danced to the direction of the wind sways them. The sunshine was bright, but its rays were tame because of the shades of tall trees around us.
Many things were running in my mind. I was too occupied with everything, and I didn't know where to start; he just stared at me, weighing my emotions when I glanced back and smiled at him, nothing but blues and solemnity.
"I like you," I confessed while looking at him, I bit my lips, but it didn't help to suppress crystal now threading my cheeks. I still tried to laugh despite that.
"I do for four years now," I added. "Since that day we met at that club when we were junior high school," I continued chuckling. I covered my lips to stop sobs from coming out.
I don't know what I thought when I said that. I never planned to confess this way, but maybe I thought I would never have the chance, so I might as well do it.
I know there's no use confessing to someone in a relationship if the rumors were true but still, I want to tell him. I want him to hear it from me and confirm it.
He will tell me now, 'he never liked me,' so at least I should say to him before getting rejected. I should at least tell him clearly before he rejects me.
This was all I wanted to do when I started it in the first place, or maybe I was just making it easier for me to accept it. Mayhaps If I tell him, Like everyone said, I'll graduate this place without regrets and move forward.
"Sunoo..." He softly called me. I could see how he was surprised and taken aback. He maybe knew I liked him but never expected that long. I smiled bitterly.
"Can I tell you what's on my mind, honestly?" I asked him as I stared straight into his eyes. I was sure I still looked confused and lost; I could tell he saw me having a hard time gazing at me with worries in his eyes.
He nodded without a word. There was a long silence between us before I could find the word to start.
"I don't understand..." I told him honestly. My expression crumbles as I try to maintain my eyes on him. "Riki, can you tell if you ever saw me as someone special to you?" I asked him directly without bushing the bush. "Did you ever like me or feel the same way? even just a bit?" I asked him.
I want to know whether I was just really assuming about everything or he genuinely liked me, even for just a short while. If there was something real in what he made me feel and how he treated me.
I want simply to know whether he just played with me or he was interested in me, even just a short while.
This time he is the one who couldn't answer.
I was actually hoping he would say yes, so maybe it would hurt less.
I covered my eyes with my palm as I hid more tears racing down my cheeks. My heart keeps clenching as my chest gets tight for so much emotion and misery swirling inside me. I breathe heavily as I calm myself down.
"You're so unfair," I told him as more tears were descended. I smiled painfully.
"When you said that at the podcast, I did all I could not hope. I suppressed everything even everyone around me told me you described me too well," I told him. I paused, controlling my emotions, and finding the right word to voice everything I kept inside me since everything happened.
"If you didn't have the plan to catch me, Why did you ask me if I was sorry that day? You shouldn't ask if I was sorry." I added frustratedly as I looked at him pinning.
That's the day where everything started,
"You shouldn't have said you'd be jealous."
When I admit defeat and let all my guard down as hope for us gush down to me, that maybe we have a chance together.
"If you didn't feel anything for me, you shouldn't have told me about not closing that damn possibility!" I continued firmly as my voice rose, "You shouldn't have told me it was a date and called me pretty." I told him honestly.
"I don't understand, Riki. Why do you have to do all of that... Why do you have to make me feel like I was special? Why did you let me hope for us? I don't, and I can't understand..." I continued as I cried harder.
I was thinking about all of these past few days. I wondered if I was really just assuming on my own, that's why I hope, or he led me on about being liked back by him?
I didn't want to think this way, but I couldn't help it. I don't want to blame him, but I couldn't help it as he made me feel we were mutual. When it was all clear to him, I did like him why he treated me like I was someone special.
My heart kept skipping a bit but not for butterflies but clenching. My chest gets more tights as my emotions get heavier and heavier.
He should've not done anything of that, then maybe it hurt less. I was not crying like this, feeling betrayed and played by him, Nor blaming myself for assuming things and believing we can be something we couldn't be.
"If you're not going to catch me, then you shouldn't have let me fall harder..." I continued. "Why are you doing this to me," I told him, almost a whisper, almost falling down on my knees.
He didn't say anything and walked towards me, He softly held my arms, and all I could do was stare at him, exhausted from all the emotions I was trying to deal with and thinking.
He softly pulled me closer and hugged me. He wrapped his arm around my waist as he ruffled my hair gently. It seemed like comforting me. I cried harder.
I wanted to push him, but I didn't. I wanted him to let me go, but all strength left my body, or I was just so stupid not doing so, fooling myself I didn't have the strength to feel his warmth.
I close my eyes as he does that and rest my head on his shoulder,
"I don't understand, Riki, I don't understand, so please help me. I promise I will stop bugging you after all of these, but can you at least tell me?" I beg him.
I don't want this. I want to hear his reason and keep going. I don't want any question to be with me while doing so, afraid it will drag me back to him and consume all of me finding an answer I didn't have right now.
"I will do my best to stop liking you, so please help me just this once and tell me why you have to do all of that. Help me to remember you as my memories of my first love and not someone who made me feel like a mess like this and a memory I wanted to forget. " I added.
I want to remember him as my first love and not someone who played with my feelings. I don't want to regret liking and loving him for four years and someone heartless like this.
He didn't talk for a while and just comforted me in his arms. I nodded when he still didn't speak, realizing he won't give what I needed and wanted.
I broke off from his hug and looked at him, tears still rolling my cheeks. I nodded and turned my back at him and started to walk away when I suddenly felt arms on my waist wrapping me.
"Don't stop liking me...." He said almost in a whisper. His voice was shaky, as if he was trying to make it whole. "It's not that I wanted to date her but I couldn't say no to her. I didn't want to hurt her." he added
So you chose to hurt me instead?
"I didn't plan all that. I did all that because I wanted to. Perhaps I lose control of myself around you." he continued
I shut my eyes as I covered my lips, not letting any whimpers be heard. I then held his hand tried to remove it, but he held me tighter as he rested his chin on my shoulder.
Until the very end you chose to confused me.
"I'm figuring things out... I don't want to lose you. Can you give me more time?" He added as his voice cracked. "I'm scared, I don't know, I don't understand myself, Just give me more time... I'll come to you." he said, choking on his own world.
There was a deafening silence between us, I took a deep breath before saying to save myself, "But I-I'm exhausted." I told him as my shoulder shuddered.
He won't come to me, his words tells me he wouldn't. He didn't like me enough and he will never will.
"Y-you don't need to figure things out... You already had the answer." I told him, "Saying yes to her was." I added as new set of tears threaded my cheeks.
Because if he does like me, if he really does like me, he won't say yes.
He wouldn't choose to hurt me over someone he didn't like, he wouldn't kiss someone I was not nor he wouldn't careless for me.
He'll put me first before anyone else and he won't forget I was waiting for him and he likes me.
I should be enough reason for him to refuse and say No, but he didn't.