Wei Wu Xian, D23 - Yunnan Military base
I wake up feeling warm and cozy. The fragrance of sandalwood surrounds me. Lub-dub, Lub-dub, Lub-dub, I hear closeby. It's the rhythm of a heartbeat. Captain Lan's heartbeat, I realize, as I open my eyes and find myself staring into his chest. A faint gasp escapes my mouth before I can stop it. His warm, flawless skin is just so close to my face. I want to kiss it and then I want to taste it, then I want to bite it, and then lick it, and then kiss it some more. "Where are all these 'wants' coming from?" I wonder.
I am mortified by the train of my thoughts. What was I thinking? His being in my bed could only mean one thing. More stuff that I will feel ashamed of. Slowly, being very careful not to make abrupt movements, I try to move away. But his arm around me holds me in place as he opens his beautiful pale eyes.
I gulp and speak out loud, "I am so sorry again, Captain Lan. I must change my room or start sleeping at the hospital. This must be inconvenient for you. I am bad for you. Damn it. This is supposed to be a mission, which will help the people and help your career. It should not turn into a nannying job for a broken Wei Wu Xian. What happened last night? What did I do?" I am so ashamed of myself. If I could crawl into a crack on the ground, trust me, I would.
I feel a deep grunt emanating from his chest, and he silences me with a slender finger on my mouth. "Enough. You are not bad for me. This is not inconvenient. And trust me, if I ever have to choose between my career and the nannying job for you, I will always choose to nanny you. Always. I will always put you first. Do you understand?" His eyes are searing my soul. I know he is sincere. He means every word he says.
"But aren't you being selfish, Wei Wu Xian? How can you take advantage of him like this? You are so broken. You can only be a distraction. He deserves someone much better than you." I know my rational brain is right. I decide to ignore my rational brain. Just for today. Or maybe just for a few more days.
He is still looking at me, waiting for my confirmation. I nod and respond meekly, "Understood." Gently, I move his finger away before my unreliable, rebellious tongue may decide to lick it.
I move away to allow myself to think more clearly. I have questions. "So what happened last night? And the other night? Could you please tell me? I keep a journal as recommended by my therapist, and if possible, I would like to note down factual assessments of... um.. of these episodes." I stutter. I am drenched in shame. I remember what happened in the dreams each time, but what I was physically doing at that time is something I don't fully know. The medical practitioner in me needs to know, and Qing needs to know, so I push through.
"Sure, I will tell you. But you have to promise me not to chastise yourself about any of it. None of it is your fault or your doing. You did not ask for it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Can you promise me not to think badly about yourself? Can you do that? For me?" he asks kindly.
If he needed to ask for that promise, I know the things must be really, really shameful. But I decide to be brave and make a promise. For him.
Gaining the assurance from my side, he explains everything, "On that first night, I found you sobbing and whimpering. No amount of shaking or calling your name could wake you up. You had gone too deep in that dream. Not knowing what else to do, I sprinkled some water on your face. That woke you up, but just barely. You did not recognize me at first. You tried to cower away. Then you hit your head on the side of the bed. That must be what woke you up completely because you felt safe with me after that. You reached out to me, and you let me hold you in my lap. I rocked you and lulled you to sleep. I was afraid you might get another nightmare if I left you alone, so I slept beside you and held you. There were a couple of times I felt you shudder, but when I tightened my hold on you, you simply grabbed my arm and went back to sleep.
Last night was not as bad. You were slowly crying and tossing about. Maybe you had just started the bad dream. I only laid down, taking you in my arms, and rubbed your back. You fell asleep quietly. There. That's everything." he concludes.
I don't know what to say. "Thank you. For taking care of me when you did not have to. For telling me when you did not want to. Thank you. Thank you, for everything." I tell him solemnly and turn away.
He pulls me by my wrist and makes me look at him. "Remember, you promised. Now stop thinking about these things and give me a smile. We need to get ready quickly and head out. If you don't mind, let's skip breakfast at the mess hall and grab something at a coffee shop on our way. What say?"
I smile - because he said to and also because I want to. For him.
I push aside the negative thoughts and, just for today, will myself to think only about having a nice time with him, making memories. Who knows how many of these I will ever get.
Lan Wang Ji, Yunnan
Finally, we are out, and I get to have A-Xian to myself for the whole day today! I feel like a nervous high schooler taking his long-time crush out on a date for the first time. In a way, it is the same situation except that we are not high schoolers anymore.
We make a quick stop on our way to get a frappuccino and a sandwich each and then head straight to the camping site. I start the Jeep, and both of us take a sip of our coffee. He looks at me and giggles, "You have a coffee mustache. You look like an old man," he teases me. His laugh is musical. I am mesmerized by it. He has a coffee mustache too, but instead of teasing him with just words, I give in to my addled brain for once and do something more. I swipe my thumb across that enticing mouth, slowly taking my time to feel the softness, feel his warm, shaky breath. Then I bring it to my mouth and suck on it not breaking eye contact with him. Gasping, he turns and concentrates entirely on what's outside his window. I chuckle. My heart is glowing with the reflection of a pink tint that's on his gorgeous neck.
We park at the bottom of the hill, and then there is a short but steep hike before we can get to our campsite. We carry only the basic things and start the hike. We leave the tent and other heavy gear in the Jeep. We will come to get it only if we decide to stay overnight.
Xian has brought a small digital camera and loves to take pictures of every little thing. He makes me pose near every beautiful tree, interesting rock formation, and more. I am usually not someone who enjoys any kind of attention on myself. But since this is Xian, I love it. I love being the center of his attention. I love how he is so focused on me. Me alone.
{Source: https://twitter.com/zhangebodi/status/1294137101261275137}
I am beginning to think that this day could not be more perfect.
And then we get a blip on our day.
There's a spot that overlooks the valley, and Xian wants me to pose next to it. He wants to capture me with the whole valley as the background. We both put our backpacks down, and I stand near the edge of the cliff, facing him, my back to the valley. I move back a few steps.
He tries to get a shot and then, suddenly sensing something, he drops the camera in the grass, runs to me and pulls me back. The force of his pull makes him slip towards the depth. I don't know what happened, but one minute he is asking me to smile for the picture, and then the next minute, I am on the ground while he is hanging over the cliff!
We both yell for each other in shock. What shocks me even more, is what we call each other. I have screamed for "Wei Ying" and he has called out to "Lan Zhan". "How does he know that Lan Zhan is my birth name? Who is Wei Ying? Why am I calling A-Xian that?" I am in a trance as I get on all fours and peer down at him. My mind is hit with deja vu, and my heart twists with excruciating pain. I see him struggling to hold on to a rock. I grab his wrist.
"Lan Zhan, don't hurt yourself. Let go," he says with a sad smile. His smile brings another powerful jolt of pain in my heart. Pain that somehow feels vaguely familiar, like something I have felt before. Pain I never ever wish to feel again. That pain makes something in me snap. "No. I won't. Listen to me and do as I say." I fight the pain in my heart with sheer determination and order him firmly.
Slowly, I move him a couple of inches upwards. "Grab on to that protruding tree root you see with your other hand. It seems sturdy enough. Try to find a foothold to balance your weight" I am giving him instructions calmly, but that is just on the outside, just a facade. I am frantic on the inside. I feel a tiny relief when he manages to follow my instructions immediately.
"Do you think you can hold on without my support for just a few mins?" I ask, and when he nods, I tear myself away from there. Pulling out the climbing rope from my backpack, I secure it to a strong tree and drop the other side to him. I am so grateful for the military training at this very instance - Always Be Prepared! Once again, I get on all fours. With the help of the rope and my hand, he pulls himself up. We both collapse on the side of that path, panting hard.
He turns to look at me and I hear him whisper, "Lan Zhan, are you okay?" That's when I lose it.
Sitting myself up, I grab his arms and pull him up. "Lan Zhan, be gentle," he winces. But my ability to listen to anything has long evaporated. I hold him even tighter despite his struggle.
"What the hell was that, Wei Ying? How dare you risk your life? How dare you ask me to let go of you?", cupping his face in my palms I scream at him. "What do you think I would do if something happened to you? How do you think I would survive if I'd lost you?" I just can't control my yelling.
He does not flinch. He does not get intimidated. Instead, I see him seethe in anger. His eyes glisten with unshed tears, but they are tears of fury. With all his strength, he pushes my arms off and staggers backward from the force of it. "You don't have me in the first place so you cannot lose me. This body, this life is broken, unworthy. This Wei Ying is so broken, so tainted already, that he doesn't deserve your saving. I am not worthy of it. I am not worthy of you. If I get to save your life by some rare, miraculous chance, that is what will make my life worthy. Even if I lose my life for you, I will consider it worthy. Lan Zhan, I may not be as strong, clever, or skilled as you. But with whatever I have, whatever I am, I will always put you first. With the whole of my battered being. Always. And there's nothing you or anyone can do to stop that."
With that, he turns back, gathers his camera and his backpack, and starts walking away.
I am stunned. I am rooted to my spot. I am shaken to the very core of my being.
His words have wounded me like never before. His words have branded my soul as his, like never before. If there was ever a sliver of doubt in my mind about this man being mine, his words have obliterated all of that doubt into nothingness, like never before.
A shrill cry of a bird gets me out of my stupor. I pick up my backpack, stuff the rope in, and walk after him. I am grateful to the rope. It has saved my life today.
As I reach closer to him, I see that his stance has changed. He is no longer cheerfully snapping pictures. His shoulders are drooping. He looks so forlorn. I did that to him. I hurt him. My heart is filled with remorse. I have to make it better for him.
I run up to him, and we walk side by side, but he ignores me. He is not even looking at me. I don't know what to say. In that uncomfortable silence, we walk to our destination.
"We are here. This is our spot." I tell him and put my backpack down when we reach our site. He puts his backpack next to mine, walks to the river, and splashes water on his face. He looks like a fairytale creature with the water glistening on his milky white skin. I am not able to take my eyes off. But there's a sadness in his demeanor. His eyes are tinged with pink. It twists my heart.
I run beside him and tug at his sleeve. "I am sorry I yelled at you. I was scared. I am really sorry. I should not have taken it out on you." I say simply with my gaze down.
In the very next instant, I feel like my bleak, cold day just got flooded with warm sunshine as he throws his arms around me and pulls me into a soft embrace. "I am sorry too. I should not have yelled back. I knew it was just the rush of adrenaline and cortisol in your system. You did not want to scold me. But I still yelled back. I am sorry." he says and buries his head in my chest.
"What hormones are you making my body release now, my beautiful A-Xian, and how can I control them?" My addled brain comes up with this very logical but highly ill-timed and entirely unhelpful question.
"Mn," I respond as my arms move on their own to pull him closer.
"Let's not argue anymore, please. It hurts... It hurts more than I thought it could...", he says melting into my chest. His words are soft, but they cut me deep. My heart shatters further when I feel wetness on my chest. His tears. I did that to him. I hurt him. I realize again.
"Mn." My non-addled brain is incapable of anything more than a monosyllable response. Automatically my arms reach out and pull him even more closer to myself.
"Isss..." He winces. I get alarmed. "You are hurt. Show me where," I pull back and urge him.
"Oh, it's nothing. I am fine. Just some minor cuts and bruises from earlier. Nothing to worry about. Come, let's start cooking something. I am hungry." he says and pulls me back to where our stuff is kept.
Next half an hour, we work together to clean the grilling station, refill it with fresh coal, and grill the meat we had got. We make sandwiches and enjoy them with some soda and salad. He insists on taking more pictures - of our cooking, plates, drinks. He looks relaxed once again, and that makes me happy.
After lunch, we clean up, and I hang a hammock between two trees. "Let's wash ourselves a bit, shall we? The sun is high, and it's hot around here. We can then come back and lay down in the hammock. What do you think?" I suggest. He readily agrees, and we head back to the river.
He takes off his outer shirt, and that's when I see them. His arms have numerous scars. Old, mostly healed. I am afraid to know how he got them. Has he always had them? How have I not noticed earlier? "You were too busy drooling over those lips and that sneaky little mole to look anywhere else, Wangji!", my brain supplies.
I also see some new scraps from falling earlier, and just above his elbows are blue-purple finger marks. My finger marks. I did hurt him, physically. I want to be punished. I want to be whipped. I don't realize that I have stopped moving, and tears sting my eyes.
He sees me looking at his arms. "Um? Lan Zhan, these? Don't worry. Please don't take these seriously. It's looking worse than it feels. I have thin skin, so I bruise easily. And these scraps? They are nothing compared to some I have had in the past. Nothing here is serious, so don't worry, okay?" He is cutely rambling again. He is trying to console me. How ironic is that! I don't know what to say. "Sorry, Wei Ying. Really. I am sorry I hurt you." I can't stop my voice from quivering.
"It really is okay. Look, when I was hanging down the cliff, I listened to you, didn't I? Now I am the doctor here. So you have to listen to me about these bruises. Okay? Now give me a smile. Come on. For me?" he gently wipes my tears and coaxes again. He is using my words on me. I smile only because I don't have it in me to deny him. Anything. Anytime.
We both get on the hammock. I feel like I have accomplished a critical mission when I control the urge to do something inappropriate. Soon he is sweetly snoring into my chest. It's just adorable. I am too wound up to sleep, from the emotional roller coaster we have been on today. Being as quiet as a mouse, I get down from the hammock. He stirs and murmurs something incomprehensible. I roll up my shirt and stuff it near him. He cuddles into it and dozes off.
I take out my fishing pole and sit by the river. Maybe it's still too early for camping season, or maybe it's due to the recent floods, but we are the only ones here. The tranquility of this place captures my heart. My thoughts drift back to Wei Ying, and I start wondering. Did he have a happy childhood?
I think about my own life. I lost my father when I was very young. I barely remember him. My mother passed away during my teens from cancer. It was really hard on me. Somewhere in my heart I still feel guilty about not being able to take care of her better. But I have always had my brother. He is my rock. Also, my Uncle was our strong support all along. We did not enjoy much intimacy in our family after our mother passed away, but we have never had any drama either. I miss my mother. Even after all these years, I miss her terribly. But I have always felt valued and appreciated, and cared for, between my brother and my uncle. At work here in my unit, I have Major Nie and my boys. They are almost like family to me. We will always have each other's back.
I wonder what kind of people Wei Ying has had in his life. His nightmares and panic attacks seem to be due to some trauma in the past. I will have to ask him. I hope to help him in any way I possibly can. I feel overwhelmed by my own feelings for him. How can one feel so much for another person in so little time?
After a while, I am able to calm down, and I also catch a few good salmons. Around 3 PM, I go back to the grilling station and grill the fish. I also grab some crackers, cheese sticks and celery sticks. After making some instant coffee, I wake up my sleeping angel.
With snacks and coffee, we settle down near the river, our feet dangling in the water, knees touching. I wish I could freeze this moment.
"Three years ago, when we were here, you were working at the YMC. Have you always lived here? Tell me more about yourself, your family." I ask him gently. I want to know this person. I want to know everything there's to know about him.
"I was born and brought up here. My parents owned the YMC. I lived here until about three years ago." he says. It makes me more curious.
"Where are your parents now? The VP of YMC said you were his adopted brother. What happened?" I prod.
"You met Wen Chao?" he blurts out, getting anxious.
"Yes, on the first day when you went in for the surgery. I needed to get the paperwork signed for our mission's arrangement with the hospital. That's when I met him and Ms. Wang." I explain. I can sense his anxiety rising.
I gently stroke his arm and tell him, "Hey, stop being nervous. They are not here. No one is here. It's just you and me. Please relax. Breathe with me."
He closes his eyes for a minute. When he opens them again, I can see that he has made up his mind.
"Lan Zhan, I am going to tell you my story. That might explain some of my... mental health issues. If you are disgusted with me after hearing any of it, I will understand. Please don't force yourself to be my friend if you don't want to be. And more than anything else, please do not pity me. I can take your anger, maybe your hatred even, but not your pity. Not anyone's pity, understand?" he speaks firmly, and I can only nod. I gently take his hand in mine.
"As I said, I was born here in Yunnan. Ma and Baba were doctors. They created YMC solely to serve this community. They loved their work. They adored me. My Ma taught me kindness and compassion, my Baba - righteousness, and integrity. They both were my world. My whole world crashed when I was about eight years old - we were in a car wreck, and they passed away. They... they.. " he is choking on his words. Recalling that event is hurting him.
"Shh... You don't have to force yourself to tell me all the details. Please don't hurt yourself. I will be here whenever you feel ready to share more." I interrupt.
He wipes off his tears, shakes his head, and continues, "Thanks. I will keep it brief today, if you don't mind. Remembering certain things... it's hard... " I give him a reassuring nod. And he continues after a brief pause to collect himself, "After they passed away, Uncle Wen adopted me, and he also started looking after YMC. I knew my Ma and Baba always wanted me to look after YMC. I did not have any problem with that. I knew I wanted to become a doctor like my parents, and I wanted to serve the Yunnan people.
Uncle Wen and his family... well, let's just say they did not like me. I think they only adopted me out of their sense of duty. So my childhood in that house was hard. Physical and emotional abuse, harsh punishments were a regular part of my days. Ha! Some of the old scars you see on my skin are from those punishments. You can imagine what it was like. I don't wish to recall those details. What kept me going was my ambition to become a doctor and take over YMC. So I focused solely on academics. That should answer any question you might have, about my lack of skills in any other areas including sports. Whatever physical endurance I have developed, is thanks to Wen family's punishments.", he chuckles and shakes his head.
"Growing up, I had three friends - Jiang Cheng, Wen Qing, and Wen Ning. You have seen Wen Ning at the hospital. He is the baby of our group. Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing are about my age. They always took care of me. Helped me with food and medicine, especially after some of those punishments. When I graduated from medical school and started an internship at YMC, Jiang Cheng's father became my mentor. I finally felt like I had someone to talk to. I took him as a family elder. He loved me like he loved A-Cheng." I can see he is reliving some other painful memory. I thread my fingers through his to bring him out of that.
"Three years ago, he passed away, again in a car crash. At the same time, Jiang Cheng and I... broke our decades of friendship. I know I deserved his anger. I only hoped he could forgive me. But I guess he could not. I was devastated, to say the very least. I... I... Well, I felt like the darkness was going to consume me. I had no will to go on anymore. I tried to..." I realize what he is trying to say and gasp.
I pull him close and make him lean into my chest. My arms are stroking his back.
"Lan Zhan, I thought you would be disgusted with me. Thank you for not feeling that way." I hear him say.
"I will never be disgusted by you. I wish I could have met you sooner. I wish I could have been there for you at that time." I reply, and he sighs. "Well, it was Aunty Nai Nai who found me bleeding and unconscious in the hospital lounge after I slashed my wrists with a scalpel. The hospital folks saved me. "
I realize something and interrupt him, "So that day when you treated me, the bandages on your wrist were..." He smiles a sad smile, "Yes, you guessed it correctly. I was recovering from my self-inflicted wounds."
But then something else bothers me, "But what about your back? You were badly injured. I remember you almost curled up when Dr. Wen tried to give you a light pat. What was that for?" He is surprised, "You remember that too? Yes, I was injured. But that wasn't self-harm. That's a story for some other time. I'd rather not talk about it today. After that episode of self-harm, I started therapy with A-Qing. She is a psychotherapist by profession. She gives me strength and hope. She is one of the biggest blessings in my life. I would not have been alive without her." he says with a smile on his face. He must be pretty fond of her. I am finding it hard not to be jealous. "Does he have feelings for her?" I think to myself.
"Well, after all that... ...trauma, I just knew I had to put some distance between myself and YMC. A few weeks later when I turned 25, I simply handed over YMC to Uncle Wen and put whatever money he gave me into a charitable trust. That trust helps people pay medical bills if they cannot afford it. Then I moved to Beijing. I got a job there, in the Healing Hands Hospital that the Jin family owns. It's not a large facility, but I love what I do. And then, a few weeks ago, they were asking for volunteers for the rescue mission. I knew I had to come back. I want to help my people in the hour of their need. It's just that YMC brings up too many painful memories, and I wish I could work in another location. But my team decided I needed to be here, and I could not say no."
"I think it could be because I am at YMC daily, that my nightmares have become more traumatic and more frequent. During the day my mind will catch something and I will suppress it to focus on patients. At night those things come back to have their revenge. Ha! But anyway, it's only a matter of a few weeks. I think I will manage. I just hate to put this burden on you. You have to promise me - if my problems ever start to impact you or your work, you have got to let me know. I will request Wen Ning and move in with him. I know he has a two-bedroom apartment that he shares with one other person, but I am sure we will be able to work something out. I won't be bothering him much..." He looks at me expectantly.
I don't know what to say. This man - does he ever think about himself? How can be so distant, so objective when talking about how the Wen family treated him? How can he not show any anger or bad intention towards any of them? He is reckless enough to throw himself over the cliff, literally, for me. But he is uncomfortable letting me take care of him? "Wang Ji, Wang Ji, you are a goner."
When he does not get any response from me, he asks, "So, you agree?"
"Agree with? Letting you know if I want you to move away? I don't think that will ever happen. But if it gets to that point, I will do as you say." I agree only to satisfy him.
"Lan Zhan, what about your life? Your family? Care to share with me?", he is all inquisitive.
I summarize my life, education, and career to him briefly. "I am close to my older brother Lan Xi Chen. I respect my uncle Qiren. I think he never married only because he wanted to take care of us first. He has always been strict with us, but my brother and I both know he loves us like his own sons. At work, people in my unit, my boys are family. Major Nie is like a father to me. I have always been fortunate with having very good people around me." He smiles with contentment at that. "And yes, I feel very blessed to get to know you, Wei Ying. I only wish I would have met you sooner."
He is happy to hear that, all bunny-like. "So, how did you know Wei Ying was my informal name?" He asks.
"I am wondering the same thing about you calling me Lan Zhan. It is indeed my informal name. But apart from my family, I don't think anyone knows about it. Not even folks from my unit." I reply.
"When I fell off the cliff, I felt as though it has happened to us before. And at that time we called each other Lan Zhan and Wei Ying. Is it alright if I call you Lan Zhan always?" he looks like a child asking for a small toy. I rub his nose with my knuckle and respond with an "Mn"
"Thank you. Then from today onwards, I will be your Wei Ying and you will be my Lan Zhan. Forever." he gleefully declares. "Mn." is all I can say as my heart is fixating only on three words - "your", "my" and "Forever".
Yes, I am his Lan Zhan and he is my Wei Ying. Forever.
"So my Wei Ying, do you want to stay here for the night or should we head back?" I tease him with a smile.
Without missing a beat, he teases me right back, "My Lan Zhan, how about we do a bit of everything? Let's head back a little late. We can walk slowly and also take a break halfway through. There is a particular spot from where I think the sunset will look super cool. We can stay there for some time, take pictures and then head back. And then instead of driving directly to the base, let's eat at a local joint. My treat. Then we can head back and rest in our room as usual. How about that?"
I happily agree and that's what we do. My heart has never felt this content in a long time.
When bedtime comes, he makes an odd request. "Lan Zhan, could you lend me one of your shirts, please? I want to experiment with something." I am puzzled but humor him nonetheless. I pull one of my shirts from the cabinet and hand it to him.
He folds it into a ball and goes to bed with it. "Thanks, I am hoping this will make me feel like you are close and help me get out of my bad dreams. That way I won't have to disturb you in the middle of the night." he smiles and hugs the shirt close. Then with a cute "Good night, see you tomorrow" he closes his eyes.
My jaw has just hit the floor and I am left feeling as dumb as a doorknob. What just happened? I did not see that coming at all. This has got to be the most anti-climactic end to my day. I am also very jealous - that too of a lifeless object this time - my own shirt, no less! I sigh and try to get some sleep. Alone. In my own bed.
(Source of main image: https://pin.it/pJn8Iqc)