Me and Julio fall into a somewhat comfortable routine.
In the days following the restaurant incident, we mostly stayed on topics we were willing to talk about. Most involved the project that was due after Thanksgiving break and if it wasn’t about molecules and elements, then we were commenting on small things like the weather and Mr. Clarks growing bald spot.
The confession that happened that night was never brought up. Nor did we mention it. It was like we were to afraid to bring it up, like if we did, the memory would escape us like water running between our fingers.
If I was being honest with myself, I would admit I missed the old us. A lot. I missed not knowing what was going to happened next. I missed talking about things you shouldn’t talk about, not how nice the weather was and what we would do for thanksgiving break.
Julio said he was heading home, to spend time with his mom and siblings. For me, I was heading back to a lonely house with a cold mother. The more the week closed in, the more I thought about my mother and the the stuff that waited for me back home. I knew she was expecting nothing but the upmost respect.
Kayla, on the other hand, would be the wild card. I knew without a doubt those two were going to go head to head and I was going to be the one to pick up the pieces and try to pull things together. I have been doing it for years now and even though I know what to expect, a sinking feeling starts in my stomach.
Believe it or not, I wasn’t the same Kelsey I was when I started here. Sure, I still was cautious and didn’t know what it meant to truly let go, but I was letting my shield down little by little. I was learning to give people a chance and to actually go out and do something other than sit in my dorm and study.
I also started going out with Mia to the little cafe’ Julio worked at. She use to ask me all the time, but I swore I had to much work. Now, I put the books away and enjoyed the little packed place almost every night. Of course, I tried my hardest to avoid looking a Julio for too long, and with Mia around, my attempts didn’t go unnoticed.
Even though she was still upset that I didn’t get any information from Julio, she tried her hardest to tell me to take a chance on him. I knew I was being stubborn, but as I look in the mirror, I wonder if she was right.
I pull the tank top up, trying to cover my cleavage. The black clung to my body in all the right places and if I turned my body slightly to the right, I actually looked pretty hot.
The white shorts, also a compliment from Kayla’s closet, were also too short. My fingers kept going to the end, pulling it down as far as it would go. Sighing, I pull my hair into a tight ponytail and glare at Kayla from the mirror.
“Why am I dressed like this? Especially in this weather?” Kayla shakes her head as she shimmies on a pair of tights. The purple makes her wild black hair stand out and she smiles.
“It isn’t even that cold today, thank God. The perfect weather for the college event. Did you know this whole thing was set up to help raise money for sororities? Makes me almost not want to go.”
I rolled my eyes, fingering the bracelet at my wrist. Nick would be here any minute to pick me up and my nerves were at an all time high. It was kind of getting a little ridiculous.
Kayla spritze perfume on her boobs, rubbing the glitter in with wide strokes. “So, is dark and dangerous going to be there?” My eyes jerk from my wrist and meet her eager eyes. I know she was asking about Julio and I can’t stop the feeling of something warm spreading in my stomach.
I told him two days ago I was going to the event and he said he had to work, so he couldn’t make it. My guess was he was lying. This wasn’t the kind of thing Julio did and no matter how much I wanted him to fit in my world, he didn’t. He was part of a group of people I would never associate myself with and no matter how much I wish I could see him there, I wouldn’t.
Running my finger back and forth under my bracelet, I let out an annoyed sigh. You ever heard of the saying ‘you want what you can’t have?’ Yeah, I was living proof that was a real thing.
I hear a light knock on the door and I freeze in my spot. Kayla looks at me worriedly from the corner of her eyes as she opens the door. Standing there, with his hands in his belt loops and his blue eyes shining, is Nick.
He smiles at Kayla and Kayla gives him a once over, nodding slightly to me as he comes into the room. I guess she gives me her approval. I take a deep breath and plaster a smile on my face.
I would not think of Julio.
“Hey, Nick.” I say, reaching over for my light pink jacket hanging over my bed. “Don’t mind the mess. Kayla has a hard time figuring out what a closet is.” Nick laughs good heartedly and scans my room, his eyes running over half the stuff in my room.
“At Least your room is clean. Mason doesn’t know the difference between the floor and a hamper.” I forget all about Mason and Nick sharing a dorm. Suddenly, a thought pops into my head faster than I can blink.
“Hey, were you there when Aiden came over?” I see Nick try to remember what night I was talking about, so I give him a little help. “It involved something of the illegal type?” Recognition flashes across his face before he answers. Maybe I should have came to Nick in the first place. Seemed like a more easier route than sharing a night with Julio behind a building.
“Yeah, that was awhile ago. Aiden won pretty good that night. Why?” I slip my hands into my jacket and give Kayla a look. It plainly says leave the talking to me. I knew if it came to her, she would have the secret out in a matter of minutes.
“Oh, well,” I say, pulling my ponytail out from beneath the jacket. “I was just wondering what he was going to buy with all that money.” I try to act like it was an innocent question. Nick must think that too, because he just shrugs. His whole body going into the effort.
“To be honest, I don’t know. If I was him, I would put it in my college fund. Yeah, me too. Me and Nick meet each others eyes and he smiles, like he knows we were thinking the same thing, and I try not to blush.
Kayla whistles, trying to act like she wasn’t eavesdropping on the whole conversation. “So, about this event. You think the sororities will try to recruit us?” I shake my head, grabbing my dorm key and slipping it over my head.
“I doubt it. Usually, they pick the most ‘Opportunistic’ candidates the moment they step on campus.”
Kayla contemplates this as she turns on her heel and picks up a sparkly black tank top. I turn away from her and meet Nicks small smile with my own.
“Ready?” He says and I nod my head. I follow him out, remembering at the last moment to remind Kayla about calling our mom. Though, I don’t get a chance too. Before I have the words out of my mouth, I feel something warm slide over my head.
I look down fast in time to see Nick lay his hand on mine, his fingers threading it close. I look from our joined hands to the shy blush on his face and I look away before I can think about it too much.
I mean, boys and girls can hold hands without it meaning anything, right?
Okay, who am I kidding. I was practically being a hypocrite. Here I was telling Julio I couldn’t be in a relationship yet here I was not letting the boundaries be known to Nick.
But, you see, theres the problem. With Nick, I don’t feel it. I don’t feel the race of my heart or the feeling that I was about to do something dangerous. With Nick, it was something easy, light, and full of friendship. With Julio, it was like I was about to jump off a cliff. When I was with him, it felt like my whole world was on it’s axis.
That’s what scared me.
I’ve felt this feeling before. This feeling was associated with heartbreak and heartbreak was associated with a past I could not run away from.
I just hopped I knew what I was doing.
~**~
He was messing with me.
I push my wet, knotted hair behind my ear and my fingers get tangled in the knots there. The chill in the air bites into me, making me shiver, but the way Julio is looking at me, a slight smirk on his face and a mischievous gleam in his eyes, is enough to make my whole body feel on fire.
Nick is somewhere, getting us food, and I lean against the kissing booth and fold my arms lightly over my chest. Julio stands on the other side of a bucket of water, his turn to compete in a race. His partner is looking at him adoringly, just like every other girl within a few inches of him.
I guess when you were surrounded by preppy, floppy haired preps all day, a little bad went a long way.
I raise my eyebrow, waiting for him to make his mark, and when I see him bring his hands behind his head and to the collar of his shirt, my smile fades. Before I have the chance to take in a breath he pulls the shirt up and over his head.
Almost all the girls who were staring at him sigh and if it wasn’t for the fact that he was looking right at me while he did it, I might have sighed a little too. My eyes betray me as I take him in.
Tattoo’s span across his chest, stomach, and abdomen. There are a few patches of uninked skin here and there, but mostly his body was full of designs.
The snake tattoo that I was fascinated with since the moment I met him seems to wink at me, practically mocking me where I stand. If my mother saw him now, she would probably have a heart attack.
The sun bounces off his tanned skin and his hair falls in his eyes, water dripping from the ends. His dark jeans hang low and he had this whole primal look coming off him.
When I finally meet his eyes, the corner of his lips twitch, like he knows I was looking.
I was.
I feel someone slide against me and when I look up and see Nick with a pretzel in his hand, I smile and accept it with grace.
He left a while ago to get it when he saw his chemistry partner in line. He said he had to go ask a quick question and when a minute turned to fifteen, I decided to venture on my own.
The october event was exactly like Kayla said it was going to be. Sororities were set up everywhere, each one trying to top the other.
I realized since fall was here and a new come of Freshman just started, they were trying their hardest to stick their claims quick.
The pretzel I currently held was from Delta and the reason I knew that was because tied to the end of one of the circles was a blue ribbon. Bringing my finger to it, I wrap it around the end and pull it off, letting it fall to the ground.
My eyes snap up when I hear laughing. Some girl, maybe a sophomore, was getting sprayed a little by Julio. He was laughing that secretive laugh that I loved to hear and when I see the girl edge closer to him, I almost walk over and push her away.
Jealousy wasn’t something I usually felt and it stabs at me like an ugly reminder.
Yeah, liking Julio was starting to make me get a headache. I turn to Nick, the girls screeching laugh hitting my back.
“Thanks for the pretzel.” I wave the pretzel in the air and Nick smiles, grabbing my hand and bringing me closer. I don’t resist, even though I should have, and Nick fingers my wet brown hair.
“You must be freezing.” I was, but I wasn’t complaining. I had my pink jacket over my wet black tank top. I feel Nicks wet arm against the fabric and I take him in. His blonde hair was sticking to his face and when he pushes it back, it sticks up in every which way.
To be honest, I wasn’t expecting on getting wet in the first place. When one thing lead to another and some sorority boy dragged me to join his team at some lame competition game, I grabbed Nicks hand and made him come along.
Now, we were both wet and freezing and leaning against the kissing booth.
I hear the little sorority girls laugh behind me and I try not to grit my teeth.
Seriously, did they have to be so obnoxious about it?
Nick doesn’t notice my growing anger and he shakes his head, his hands rubbing up and down my arms. “Do you wanna leave?” Yes. Anything not to hear the scene going on behind me.
“I’m fine.” Nick opens his mouth, to say something, but he gets interupted be a Zeta speaking through a microphone. I close my eyes tightly before I turn around and look at the event I know is about to take place.
They did the same thing for Nick and me.
“Welcome freshmeat! Opps, I meant freshmen!” A few people cheer, mostly seniors, and the newbies laugh nervously. The guy behind the speaker flashes a dazzling smile before motioning to the eight people on the tarp.
“Here, at Zeta, there is no day gone unnoticed. So, we decided to give Delta over there a good competition.” He laughs, as if he didn’t just insult another sorority.
“Now, the point of the game is simple. The males will hold up their female partner, who might I add is carrying a bucket full of water, across the soapy tarp. The one to reach the end with the full bucket of water and without slipping, wins. So, lets give a big shout out to the two teams on the right representing Zeta!” People all around cheer and I see a few people in the crowd shoot the guy a look.
They must be Deltas.
“Oh, and the Deltas are on the the left. Let the games begin!” He shouts fast, pressing a blow horn.
I watch, as Julio picks up the red headed sorority girl and grip her firmly in his arms. The girl throws one arm around his neck, like I did for Nick, and lift the bucket of water in her lap.
Nick leans forward, getting interested in the competition, and I try too. I do. But, my eyes keep going to the tanned beauty at the far right.
Before I know what’s happening, water shoots in the air and everyone around me laughs as a Delta flies to the ground, water splashing over the two who fell.
Not even five minutes ago, that was me and Nick.
Nick meets my eyes, telling me the same thing I thought. I laugh and he smiles while he goes back to watching the game.
Julio slides a little, trying to right himself. The girl squeals and I cross my fingers behind my back as Julio gets his bearings.
Even if I didn’t prefer the girl, I did want him to win.
Julios eyes are zeroed in on the end of the tarp and his face was full of concentration. Before anyone can take a breath, the guy next to Julio drops. Water sprays all over him and the girl covers her face.
Now, there was one Delta and one Zeta.
Everyone around me starts cheering, each shouting a sorority name. I, getting caught up in the moment, shout my own encouragement.
“Come on Julio, you got this!” I shout, covering my hands over my mouth. Julio’s head jerks toward my voice and when his eyes meet mine, I smile, giving him a thumbs up.
Of course, with his eyes on me, he doesn’t see the slick of soap on the tarp.
Before I can even shout a warning, he hits the spot and goes down. Everyone shouts, yelling Zeta in a row, while a few curses fill the air like fire.
Everyone starts to spread away from the game area and I push off the kissing booth and head toward the tarp.
Even though I know he’s okay, I have to make sure. Which is a telltale sign that I was going under fast.
I elbow my way past a Jeta, her pink ribbon bouncing in the light. Before I can even get in a breath, I’m thrusted out to the entrance of the tarp.
The scene that unfolds makes my heart stop in place.
Julio stands up, running his hands through his wet hair. He brings one hand down to help the girl up and when she takes it, she flings herself up, pushing her body against Julios.
I see her whisper something before she stands on her tippy toes and brings her lips to his.
I take a step back, the feeling of something cold gripping my chest. This was the thing I was worried about. This is why I never put my heart on the line. Because, while she may have kissed him, he didn’t step away.
As if I shouted his name, Julio pushes the girl away quickly and when he opens his eyes, they meet mine. I shake my head, trying to keep the tears stinging the corner of my eyes from falling.
No, I would not let him see me cry.
So many times I have been in this predicament. I have seen every guy I have been with pick some other girl over me. As if I wasn’t good enough.
As if something was wrong with me.
I turn around fast, Julio shouting my name. I don’t stop as I push people out of my way. I’m half way across the field when I feel someone grab my hand. I spin around, expecting Julio, but instead I find Nick.
“Kelsey ... what’s wrong?” His smile turns to a quick frown and I bite the inside of my mouth, letting my pain go there instead. I shake my head, disconnecting his hand from mine.
“Nick, I just need to go. I’ll call you later, okay?” He nods his head. I’m about to turn, to leave all this behind, when he comes forward and lands a fast kiss on my check.
“I had fun. I’ll talk to you later.” I don’t even have time to feel guilty about the kiss as I turn around and pull my dorm key over my head.
Right now, I just wanted to get to my dorm, pull on some warm clothes, and drown myself away in work.
I knew I should have never done this. Fell for a guy too fast. It was a fault I just couldn’t get rid of.
Sure, I didn’t love the kid, but I cared for him a lot and that was enough for my heart to feel like it was pushing it’s way out of my chest with every step I took.
I’m about to reach my dorm door when I feel a hand grab my shoulder, spinning me around fast.
I feel my back hit the side of the dorm and my breath escapes me. The hard material scratches into my back lightly and when I look up, I see the source of my pain looking down at me.
“Kelsey,” He says, his voice quiet and sober. “Let me explain.” I bring my hand up and push against his chest.
Though, he doesn’t move.
“What? It wasn’t like you owe me an explanation. We're friends, right?” I try to keep my voice in check but it fails. I hear Julio let out a frustrated growl, his body coming closer to mine.
“Don’t feed me that friendship bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit,” I can’t think with him getting closer. I bring my hand out and block is advance. “There was a reason for that.”
I think about the kiss and a wave of hurt and anger crashes into me. Julio must see it on my face, because he shakes his head ruefully.
“You know what? Fuck that. The only reason I said I was fine with it was because I knew that’s what you wanted. You know what I want?” I don’t have time to think of that answer because he knocks my hand off his bare chest and brings himself closer.
My breath catches as he lightly brings his hand to my arm. His hand runs up it, traveling up my shoulder, over my collarbone, and finally to my cheek.
His hand stays there, warm and hard.
“I want this. I want to be able to touch you anytime I want because that was the right you have given me,”
He brings his free hand out and tucks a loose piece of hair behind my ear. “I want to know every curve, every indent, every. single. part of your body.”
His fingertips skate across my skin, creating goosebumps, and he brings his thumb to my lips, rubbing his thumb back and forth.
“I want you to come to me when you feel lost, desperate, and in the need of comfort. I want you to be able to look at me and know that I’ll always be here. I know it’s fast and it’s making me fucking crazy. The fact that you make me feel this is scaring the living shit out of me.”
He takes in a breath and he comes forward, leaning his forehead on mine. My heart picks up and his breath hits my face.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, as you can tell. I have never been in a relationship before and I have no fucking idea how to to be in one. But, you Kelsey, I will try it for you. I will give my one hundred percent into this if you are willing to put up with me. I .. I know I might not be perfect. I know I can’t give you what you need and what you deserve, but I don’t care. And that’s so selfish of me. I can only offer you me. If you are willing to have me, that is. “
He leans back a little, his hand still on my cheek. His eyes search my face and I just stand there, the need to bring in a breath burning my throat. I see the vulnerability in his eyes and it’s almost my undoing.
“Say something.” He whispers, his eyes closing a little as if in pain. And that’s it.
It’s that little motion right there that brings me to my senses.
Before I can think about what I am doing, I put my hand over his and bring in the breath I have been holding.
“You are perfect, Julio. And if the only thing you are offering me is you, then there is no chance in hell I would say no.”
His eyes meet mine and time seems to stop. His hand that was on my cheek tightens and his free hand goes to the back of my head, his fingers threading through my wet hair.
I know he’s about to kiss me and my body and mind have been waiting for this moment forever, but there was one little thing holding me back.
Before his lips touch mine, I bring my finger up and stop their path. Julio stops, surprised, and I smile triumphantly.
“You have to earn the right to kiss me. You don’t pull a stunt like earlier and expect a few nice words to gain me back.”
Julio pulls away my finger that was at his mouth and grabs my whole hand. He pulls it behind his head and he smiles a lopsided smile before coming forward and whispering in my ear.
“Angel, welcome to the point of no return.”
His words couldn’t have been more true.