MinJae
During the darker days, when the tumultuous clouds blinded his sight from the light of the sun, his best friends never left him. They were there in his every waking moment.
They were there when he slept in their beds. There when he sat at the edge of their balcony watching the stars. They were even there when he took his baths.
Sometimes they stood outside the door. Casper, talking about the latest news, a rescued baby deer, the birth of a tiny panda, the adoption of a bunch of stray kittens in his hometown. Ezra, grumbling about how he had to taste every shitty street food close to their dorm to get the best one for MinJae.
Sometimes, they would be rubbing the soap suds out of his hair. Sieon, laughing and giggling as he made his hair into a spiky mountain. Oliver, making a bunch of dumb jokes as he scrubbed his back. Hikaru, gently rubbing the tears from his eyes with a washcloth.
There was always someone there to stop the thoughts in his head from spiralling too far. Someone to ease him out of the darkness. A lighthouse to his lost ship. A hand that held him as he walked aimlessly in his unseeing path.
The reason for this protection might have been because Sieon had caught him once with his head deep in the water. It might have been because his eyes had been unseeing and empty for days, weeks on end. Maybe it was because he just never seemed to eat or drink, picking at his food and taking tiny sips from his bottle.
MinJae didn't know.
But he enjoyed letting himself sink into the water in his moments of emptiness, letting his head dip into the warm bath. In his watery haven, he felt at peace. The rippling light from the capillary waves in the water, the muffled sound and the gentle touch of water enveloping his body provided him with a feeling of tranquillity and safety that he didn't know he needed.
Perhaps for MinJae, more importantly, was the inability to breathe. In the depths of the water, the reason for his inability was not because his chest hurt but because he chose to be within the water. He chose to hold his own life within his fingers. He chose to control his ability to live.
He chose.
It had scared Sieon, had sent his friends into a tearful uproar. But at that moment when he had been on the brink of death, MinJae had never felt more in control.
With choice, MinJae felt as if he could be free from the laws of fate that tied him to a certain destination. He felt as if life did not hold him within the palm of her hands and he wasn't just another marionette dancing to her games. He wasn't just another puppet that danced a pas de deux by himself. With choice, he did not dance to her song but his own. He could do whatever he wanted to and no one could stop him.
No one, not even fate.
He chose to stay with his best friends. He chose to be an idol. He chose to starve for beauty. He chose to practice. He chose to sleep two hours a day. He chose to smile in front of the camera. He chose to act as if everything was okay. He chose to laugh when the interviewers asked—
Are you expecting a soulmate?
Have you met her?
How is your life with your new soulmate?
His staff had risen in a flurry of aghast, shocked activity. His manager quietly chided the producer for his lack of professionalism. The older sisters from the wardrobe team angrily whispering threats. The uncles from management demanded cancellation.
Behind the cameras, it was chaos. A mad rush of hands and feet to stop the reporter that spoke so carelessly, stop them from breaking his already broken heart. Beside him, his members struggled to plaster the smiles on their faces, their bodies stiffening with their anger but on live television, all MinJae had done was smile. He chose to answer because he could.
Hmmm, it's not fun for everyone if I answer those questions directly, isn't it?
Laughing wasn't that hard to fake once you had done it enough.
It's a secret.
A secret.
A secret that he chose not to tell anyone, not his mother when she called him for their weekly chats. He had laughed. He pretended that in his world, his skies were beautiful shades of cerulean. And the sun shone soft and pretty in the horizon of white wispy clouds.
Not the violent red with black clouds in the sky.
You sound...Are you okay Jaejae?
Of course, his mother would detect the tremble of lies in his voice. Of course, she would, even if MinJae had given her the best acting performance he could do in his life.
MinJae had almost cried then, his breath hitching with the bubble of tears deep within him but he refused to tell his parents. Just...Not yet. Not until he was ready to reveal that their son would forever be one of the Lonely.
The Lonely were the people who had waited their entire lives for their soulmates. They waited until they could no longer continue waiting. Only he wasn't waiting because the love of his life had already crossed to the other side and now the both of them were simply waiting for him to die.
He was just waiting to die.
Just stress, Momma. Nothing to worry about.
He refused to tell the truth. Not to his friends when they pulled him out for a meal. A gathering of his childhood pals, people he had played with since he was four and that had stayed with him throughout his teenage years.
MinJae distinctly remembered playing house with them at the park. A game of Daddy and Mommy, soulmates with children. His childhood best friend had grimaced at the idea of girls. Cooties. He said. Babies were for girls. He stuck his tongue out in his disgust. Young MinJae had been sad about it for a while because he didn't think babies were for girls.
He wanted babies.
Now, the one having three children and a fourth on the way was the same best friend who had grimaced, and MinJae was the one without a child.
It's funny how life would never give you the things you want the most in the entire world.
For a while, in the sound of their laughter and joking banter as they drank, MinJae forgot about his problems. He forgot about the emptiness, and he genuinely smiled when they played cards, and he won. He laughed when they poked fun at him. Then they asked.
Heard about the news on your soulmate? Is it true MinJae?
A soft smile.
A secret.
Another group of relatives. A family meeting with cousins that stayed in Daegu. He was just thankful that during this period it was genuinely difficult to meet his parents. He would break if he saw them. He could never lie to his parents.
Saw the video. Flower crowns huh?
Another soft smile.
I'll tell you everything once I have more information.
They had pleaded for just a little more over a meal of stir-fried noodles and soybean soup but he shook his head. The same well-practised smile on his lips. Their words stung but the knowledge that they didn't know the truth was a barrier of protection for MinJae.
Their lack of understanding seemed to staunch the tears that dripped in his heart or at least, it prevented the tears from physically escaping the corners of his eyes. Because to them, he was okay. He was okay with being given heartless reminders from curious outsiders. He was okay with the questions. He was okay with the jokes.
Because they didn't know he was not okay.