Fuck it I love you - Lana Del Rey
Jungkook
I put myself in a miserable show of wallowing every night, thinking of Jimin. One would think that I'd be over him. Anyone smart enough and having eyesight enough to see his girlfriend would back the fuck off. Not me.
I didn't have a plan. I didn't know for certain what would happen. But I couldn't will myself to kill the desires of my heart.
Watching Jimin moving in the opposite direction, or stopping laughing at once if he found my eyes on him, it fucking stung. It was as though I was a virus he was desperately safeguarding himself from. Our talk in the gym did nothing to him. I still got his 'special treatment.' To make matters worse, Ulrich had been MIA for so long that I was only realizing now that I've not seen him come into the dormitory in probably two weeks.
"Where were you?!" I yelled at him right as he entered the room. I was mad in general but I abandoned my thought of throwing a pillow at him when I saw how tired he looked. "I was calling you." I supplied softly.
"I joined a part-time job," he revealed, holding his waist on the left more for relief while tossing the backpack on his bed.
I sat up, walked over to his side, and plopped down on a bean bag that was placed between our beds which I'd bought. We moved it into the entire room based on our needs. It was obvious that Ulrich didn't have as much money. I wondered what kind of relationship his father and Rosenow's father had. On one hand, the bitch came from a financially strong household, but that wasn't the case for poor Ulrich. In my own problems, I forgot that people had it worse than me. "Why- why do you need the job?" I asked as empathetically as I could and only because I wanted to help him, not to patronize him.
Ulrich sighed, his palms softly massaging his eyes before falling back. "The fee will increase next year and I don't want to burden my family more. I want to save some amount so that I can contribute next year." He looked so vulnerable to be sharing this with me and I loved the dude for it.
I couldn't say if he recognized that I was filthy rich. My branded clothes and shoes should've been a dead giveaway, but Ulrich wasn't the kind of guy to pay heed to such things. To make matters worse, I let him pay for me multiple times. Since he was obviously fluent in the language, he was the front face for most of our purchases. I regretted all those liquor store visits now. We were legal, but medical university students weren't sold the liquor as the rules prohibited us from buying.
Thank God for Taehyung Hyung who helped us every time. He was really nice, unlike Jimin. It seemed that no matter how much I tried, he always had a way to make me feel irrelevant, or ordinary. Fuck him for that temporarily.
I needed to focus on Ulrich. "I could help you," I said, not knowing any other way to phrase it without hurting this proud, dear boy.
"Ah," he smiled and shook his head, eyes closing, opening. "I can't take your father's money. My uncle also offered, but I don't really want to. I want to help my dad on my own."
"Then I'll help you. Will you accept it if it's my money? Not my father's?" I asked, my head suddenly coming with numerous ideas.
He grinned cheekily and leaned back on the mattress. "Really?" He asked as I had grown two horns on my head. "Where would you get the money from, pray tell?"
"That's my headache," I grabbed his arm and dragged him up.
"What are you doing?" He asked, trying to stop me, but I took him to my side of the room.
"We are going to the seniors' dormitory." I declared, sliding the door open to my cupboard.
He rolled his eyes with a very distasteful scoff. "To do what? They aren't your buddies."
"Taehyung Hyung is."
He rubbed his fingers laterally over his forehead and sighed, defeated as he slumped on my bed. "How many times-"
"And I told you I won't call them 'sir,'" I interjected, throwing a jacket on his face.
"Hyung or not, make no mistake. Taehyung sir is jolly only until he wants. You don't know him as I do. He beat up people on uni ground many times. He even has-" He stopped abruptly.
"I know... Like you haven't already told me many times. I also know why he beat them." I turned with a warm strawberry-shade coat in my hand. "How does it look?"
"It's nice."
Nice. It seemed to be his favorite word. He always used it whenever I asked how I looked.
"I promise I am doing this for you," I grinned, and he glared at me.
"How is 'you dressing up' for me? Although you are an ass, not a bad-looking one, I am not gay. I know very well where your eyes lie."
I chuckled. "You think I am good-looking?"
He played with his wristwatch. "You should talk to Jeremy. I think he does too."
"Why would I do that? You know where my eyes lie," I protested in faux dramatics.
"Good to have a backup... You know... In case things don't work out with him." He sounded, his nose twitching a little. I caught that. He didn't know, but I have known this habit of his. Every time he hid something, his nose gave him away.
"Why? You aren't confident in my flirting skills?"
"More like clinging skills." He laughed once, dry and loud.
"You don't think Taehyung 'sir' will return my clinginess?" I questioned, point blank.
"It's not... Nevermind." He stood up to go back to his bed, but I pushed him back and held him down.
"Say it."
"Say what?"
"Whatever is running in your head."
"Nothing's running in my head."
"Really?"
Ulrich twitched his nose, looking down through it before averting his eyes from me. "I don't want you to get hurt."
"You are sweet, but why do you think I'll get hurt?" I knew that I was already on the road destined by falling for a straight gentleman, but Ulrich didn't need to know that.
"Taehyung sir... Is... I don't want to say it... I thought you'll see it yourself, or that it was only a stupid crush, but you seem serious and it wouldn't be fair if I don't say it now," I nodded at him once, urging him to continue. "He's never been serious with anyone. I've seen him myself in the pictures that Rosenow has. He always has a new guy with him every few months. I thought you'll see for yourself, or maybe you are also in for a casual thing, but he hasn't been around with many people lately. Maybe he's busy, or secretive, but the point is, you are anything but casual."
"My dear sweet boy," I held his cheeks and squeezed them.
"Thiz iz wha I ge fo helhing you?" He asked, unable to form words properly due to the hollow gap between his lips because of my hold.
"Thanks," I kissed his forehead to tease him. "I promise you that Taehyung Hyung can't hurt me." I added.
It was Jimin, it will always be Jimin to ruin my existence.
**
I called Taehyung Hyung for the first time tonight since he gave me his number a few weeks ago and he was more than happy to rescue us. As we waited outside the seniors' dorm gate, Ulrich shivered. I slung an arm around him, wanting to say something when Hyung appeared, rushing to us.
He was in an attractive cotton shirt with a straight collar and baby-blue trousers. It was totally a summer outfit, and he wasn't even looking like he was cold. I inhaled alcohol on his breath. "Hey," he hugged me, which I felt a bit weird. Then he patted Ulrich's shoulder. "So good to see you. I've missed you."
I laughed. "We met just yesterday for soccer practice."
"Well," he snorted, "yesterday isn't today."
Ulrich gave me a look and I controlled the urge to roll my eyes. We walked inside, and I was about to make an excuse to get into A-13, but Taehyung Hyung continued to make his way to Jimin's room without my interference. "Wait," Ulrich spoke with fear in my ear. "Not Jimin sir's room."
I gripped his fingers so tight to hush him that my own ring started digging around my bones.
The moment the door to his room opened, I might as well have didn't come.
There were six people inside, and out of all the spaces, Rosenow had to be sitting on Jimin's lap.
Who was I kidding? They must fuck all the time.
But when the display was in front of my eyes, I felt nauseated. Good thing I hadn't eaten anything, otherwise I would have been vomiting my intestines out.
"Hey," the bitch had the audacity to grin at us, but at least she got up. My eyes went to Jimin's and he met mine for only a moment before he stood up and waddled away.
Rosenow walked over in our direction, her attention on Taehyung. I wish these two could make a pair and leave Jimin to me.
Jimin's dorm was too big for him, but with nine people, it seemed crowded. Ulrich settled on one of the couches and I continued to stare at the big man, Christoph. He was the tallest among all of us. Then there was a blonde doll, Anja, a tiny little thing who must have been five-foot-one. Rosenow was five-foot-six, easily. She had darker hair, her face was innocent but attractive, and I hated her for it.
In the room full of people, I found him. If there was a world full of chaos, I'd still uncover him. "Hyung," I nodded, trying to smile as I entered the kitchen.
"Jungkook," he was serving food on a plate, and looking at it, my stomach growled. I looked down.
"Didn't you eat?" Hyung laughed.
Honest to fucking god my heart stopped. His first smile was for me and no one else. If it meant staying hungry for the rest of my life — well... I'd at least fast once or twice because I can't live without food — I would. I was sure I fell for him more at that moment. His smile was prettier than his laugh. He looked so soft, so ethereal. His hair was light pink like cotton candy, falling over his fair skin of the forehead as his straight and white teeth glimmered under the light.
"I didn't eat," I mumbled, lost in him. I didn't care if he was putting up a show in favor of my stubbornness. It was enough that he wasn't finding ways to bolt. When he looked up, my hand reached to set a strand of pink getting into his eye. My cold fingers touched his hot skin and the blood thumping in my body froze with my lungs.
He didn't flinch but definitely pulled away. "I didn't know Tae was bringing you. I'd have ordered extra," he turned to pick a fork from the stand. "You can have it. I'll order something later."
"Let's both eat." Universe had a way of humor. We circled back to the exact metaphorically same dinner.
"It's okay," he extended the plate and practically shoved it in my hand, his own palm gently grazed my shoulder, but the action didn't cram any desire, it was a kind gesture on his behalf, his eyes twinkling with the need to feed his guest. "Please eat, Jungkook." His smile turned sincere and responsible. "I'll order right away."
"Please, Hyung," I gulped, not knowing my urge was for him to accept the food or my thumping heart. He listened.
Picking the fork, he twirled it in pasta and had one bite. My eyes continued to watch as the metal disappeared behind those lips before grazing them softly while emerging back. I snatched the fork back, my hand intentionally faring another touch. "Jimin," I nabbed the fork tighter, and my gaze fell down at the voice. Rosenow.
She snatched the smile which was just for me.
"We need more food," I heard Hyung say, a bit rattled. "Come on, what do you wanna eat?" He tried to take her out of the kitchen in a hurry, but she said something while I continued to stand there and be a good mannequin.
Her steps neared me, sounding like dynamite to my migraine. "Jungkook," she said. In all these months, she never interacted with me directly before.
I looked up at her, trying to show my hatred, but my heart was quivering so much that my face must've only shown my predicament. "Isn't he kind?" Her voice was calm, figured out.
I didn't answer.
"He's always worrying about other people. Doesn't try to save trouble for himself."
The frozen blood turned acid. I couldn't open my mouth.
"The good thing is, I know how to take care of my man."
Explosions inside me.
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15 Mar, 2023