If I had known Will would let me back in this way and so quickly, I would have confessed my feelings after the first day. This is what happens when you psyche yourself out and overthink things instead of jumping right in. Sometimes the best solution is the simplest.
***
Several requirements for university applications are attainable through the faculty. Letters of recommendation are easy enough to get. I'm writing the SAT's next week, and though it's a rather late submission, there are always circumstances where colleges accept late entries. One thing that's an issue is all of my transcripts up until last semester. This semester's almost over, and my grades before ranged from abysmal to below average. My situation is rare, and while we've gone through the formal introductions with admissions representatives, there are still quite a few steps I have to take before anything can be finalized.
"You should go to Princeton. Then you can be around princes," Matty says as we're having dinner. It's just the two of us at the kitchen table, and I've made us ham sandwiches.
"Matty, that's just the name of the school. There aren't real princes there. Plus, they didn't offer me a scholarship."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. About the name thing. I was just making a joke."
I offer a tiny smile, and imagine myself as a princess amongst other princesses, if I should go to Princeton. I image the walls high with prestige, velvet scrolls hanging in the giant hallways that mark the school's accomplishments in bold letters, classrooms that smell of brick and wine. A castle, lavish and beautiful, where learning is for learning's sake, and not a constitutionalized business. "I think you should go to Princeton. You're already a prince, so you'll fit right in."
"I'd rather be a knight. You know, like have a sword and kill the dragon and save the world."
"What if the dragon isn't evil? What if it's a good dragon that wants to help?"
"Oooh, that's a better idea. With a pet dragon I'll be the most powerful knight ever!"
"And we can call you Sir Matty." My smile grows, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel a little at ease with everything.
My mother's journey is far from over, but now the path is less muddled with the dread of missing payments. With the donation, all current and past due medical statements were paid in full. We no longer have to stress over pennies disappearing into insane interest, and I can focus instead on the usual bills - mortgage, groceries, utilities, and other things we've been struggling to keep up with. At least for a couple of months anyway. Who knows what the future will bring.
The last set of essays erased a bit of our debt, and I think if I really buckle down, I can eventually erase it all. My fear of cosmic balance shifting our financial issues into another gigantic problem has subsided a bit, even though I still haven't received a call from the hospital regarding the donor's agreement to speak with me. Being grateful should be easier than waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Maybe not knowing the answers to everything is better. I don't know who made the donation. I don't know if tomorrow my mother's illness will evaporate, or further solidify. I don't know where I'll go to university, or if I go at all. I don't know who it was that turned in Will's name, or if our friendship really is a hundred percent back to where it was before. So many things are uncertain, but obsessing over each thing will only aggravate my anxiety.
"Veronica? Hey, Veronica! Hello?" Matty waves his hand in front of my face.
I snap out of my moment of self revelation, "Yeah, sorry. I was lost in thought."
"Well your phone's buzzing."
I glance down and see Jay's name across the screen. I haven't spoken to him since that night at Grover park, since I practically threw myself at him then pushed him away. "Hello?"
"Hey."
"Hold on a sec." I stand up and head out of the kitchen, upstairs to my bedroom, close the door behind me and sit down on my bed. "So. . . what's up?"
"I wanted to tell you something." There's an alluring silence that moves through the phone, off the screen, and into my conscience. When Jay speaks again, it's almost as if he's right next to me, like I can feel every word, "I should probably say it in person."
"Okay, well, I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow, and we can talk then?"
"Can I come by your place tonight?"
"Fine, but you can't come inside." My mom's asleep and my dad's reviewing some documents for his consulting business. I don't want to disrupt their peace. "I'll be waiting outside."
Ten minutes later, I'm hugging my knees to my chest as I sit on the front porch, waiting for Jay to arrive. I haven't really thought much of him recently - between the hundreds of little moments, of responsibility and liability, through every bit of awakening, there hasn't been any room for romance. But there is one realization I've had, that this whole time I've been stringing him along, and that I'm an awful person for it. I don't know what he wants to ask me, but whatever it is, I need to cut that string now, regardless of how I really feel.
When he pulls up in my driveway in his blue car, my heart races along towards a blurry finish line. I've never had to end a relationship before. We were never completely involved, but it was still something. However small and fleeting.
He exits and walks towards me, pushing my mind into overdrive. I stand up and hug myself - maybe protecting myself from the cool, crisp evening air, or maybe from knowing what I'm about to do. "Hey, how . . . how've you been?"
"Okay. I've missed you though. I feel like you've been avoiding me." He has his hands stuffed in his jean pockets, and a curious glimpse in his radiant blue eyes.
"I haven't been avoiding you. I've just been busy."
"Is it stuff with your mom?"
I give a short shrug, after which we dive into a few seconds of awkward silence. I don't want to talk to him about my mother. I want to rip the Band-Aid off as soon as possible, so that whatever pain he may or may not feel will be fast but quick. "Look, there's something I need to tell you too, and I wanna say it before I lose the nerve-"
"Wait, let me say what I came here to say first." He steps closer, and I hope he can't hear the loud beating of my heart. "I don't care if you never tell me everything that's going on with you, or if in the future you decide to suddenly break things off without an explanation. I don't care if there are things I'll never understand about you, or if you don't feel exactly what I feel for you. What I do know is that there is something. There is. I know I'm not crazy."
"This? Again? And I don't think you're crazy."
"I also know that I wanna be with you. Like fully and completely. I can take care of you. I can help you through everything, if you let me. You don't have to be in love with me, but that won't keep me from . . . from being-"
"No! Stop, don't say it. Please don't say it."
"- in love with you."
I move back and bite my lip. I don't know how to react, what to think, or how to feel. No one has ever said these words to me, and for a split second I wonder if this is actually happening. Maybe it's my sad fantasy spilling onto my desire to be wanted, by someone, by anyone, and I'm dreaming this. "You can't be in love with me. I mean, we don't even know each other. We only officially met a few months ago."
"So what? I don't need more time to prove anything to myself."
I search my mind for something meaningful to say, something to make this better for him. "I'm sorry Jay."
"For what?"
I hold my breath, waiting, daring myself to take another step. The stillness of the night draws near, and with it so do the seconds we spend trying to understand one another. This isn't how I wanted it to go. We got here without any real dialect, without any proper realizations. Or maybe it's just me who's unable to grasp the reality of the time we shared. Maybe this is how some reach this moment. Maybe for some, falling in love is fast and sudden. "For not being able to give you what you're looking for. I'm not that girl. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner, but I don't think we should be together."
"Why not?" Jay inches towards me, and I don't inch back. He runs his hand along my cheek, just barely touching my skin with his fingertips, and moves a strand of hair away. "Give me one good reason why we can't be together."
My heart feels light and my soul feels like it's on fire, but with all my inner strength I push myself back, "All of this is a little too fast for me, okay? This conversation has happened so many times now that it's turned into a broken record. Between everything that's happening at school, and my mother's illness, I can't focus on anything else. I'm not sure what it is I did to make you feel this way. I still can't make sense of it, because it's like we went from arguing to. . . to this, without anything solid to back it up. How am I supposed to explain it, when there's no logic behind it?"
"This conversation keeps happening because you never give me a straight answer, so I keep hoping one day you will. And not everything has to be logical."
I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I could tell him right now that I feel nothing for him. Why can't I just say it? Because you know damn well that's a lie. "Doesn't it though? How can you be in love with someone you don't know? How can you place yourself in such an unyielding belief without fully understanding why you believe it in the first place?"
"Is that what you think this is? A belief? Maybe some things are unexplainable. They're not a belief, or a science. They're just there. But if you tell me right now that you feel absolutely nothing for me, then this is it. I swear. I'll leave you alone forever. We'll stop going in circles."