❛ We get some rules to follow. That and this, these and those. No one knows. We get these pills to swallow. How they stick in your throat? Tastes like gold. ❜
SEASON 2, EPISODE 6
secrets
━━━━━━ day 70.
WITH EVERYONE ON the mend and a quiet place to rest, Rick and Shane thought it was high time everyone learned how to use a gun properly. Even if they couldn't have them on the farm, there was never sure-knowledge that this was their place to stay forever or that they were safe. It was better to remain prepared than think nothing would get them.
⠀⠀⠀Since they weren't allowed weapons on the farm, Bianca rode with Carol and T-Dog out toward a clearing a few miles east. They were far enough from the property that Hershel couldn't be bothered that they were shooting cans off posts.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca had never wielded a gun before then. All she had was her sledgehammer to fend against the walkers, and it seemed to show. Her stance was tense when she first began, which Rick corrected. The gun felt heavy in her hand despite being used to her sledgehammer, and her aim wavered as she tried to hold it steady. She would aim, shoot and miss the can by a mile.
⠀⠀⠀Everyone else seemed to be doing okay. They hit the post or nicked the side of the can. Even Carl was doing better than her, and he was only ten years old. Bianca watched as Carl grazed the side of the can, and he gave himself a little fist pump. She turned to him and pulled the cotton ball out of her ear Hershel gave to keep her from further damage.
⠀⠀⠀"How are you so good at this?" Bianca asked accusingly, wondering if maybe he had been trained by his dad before the outbreak.
⠀⠀⠀"I just aim and shoot," Carl explained, keeping his gun pointed straight ahead of him as he smirked in response.
⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, that sounds like a load of bull," Bianca retorted, rolling her eyes. "I think you're lyin' and practiced before so you could show off."
⠀⠀⠀"Do Nerf guns count?" Carl asked innocently as he looked up from his aim and grinned at her.
⠀⠀⠀"Must be it," Bianca said definitively, nodding her head sharply. "I never played with those."
⠀⠀⠀"Just played with dolls and ponies?" Carl snarked back at her.
⠀⠀⠀"Oh, yeah, I played with Barbie and Ken in their Dreamhouse as they kissed and had tea parties together," Bianca claimed sarcastically.
⠀⠀⠀"Alright, fine," Carl relented, putting the safety on his gun and lowering it to his side. He turned to her, shrugging his shoulders, and raised his brows. "What did you play with?"
⠀⠀⠀"My Gameboy Color, Pokémon Red, or if I wasn't allowed to play with that..." Bianca explained, trailing off as she looked away. "My knock-off Barbie's, Betty and Bob."
⠀⠀⠀Carl stared at her in annoyance, then rolled his eyes dramatically as he groaned. Rick appeared behind them with a small smile as he looked between the two.
⠀⠀⠀"Doin' okay?" he asked, hiding the laughter behind his words.
⠀⠀⠀"No, your son is managing to shoot better than me, and he's a child," Bianca explained with a frown, pointing her thumb back at him. "I think getting shot gave him superpowers and now has increased shooting abilities."
⠀⠀⠀Rick chuckled in response to that. He looked from her then down to his son, who nodded in agreement, believing he, too, received superpowers.
⠀⠀⠀"Try shooting again, and I'll tell you what you're doing wrong," Rick directed Bianca, jutting his chin toward.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca nodded, stuffing her ear, and raised her gun. She pulled the trigger, stumbling with the kickback, and her hand felt numb from the reverb.
⠀⠀⠀Rick set his hands on her shoulders, stopping her from falling over, and repositioned her. Bianca pulled the cotton ball from her ear as Rick explained where she went wrong.
⠀⠀⠀"It's your stance," Rick explained. "You're not giving yourself enough balance, so you end up getting pushed around.
⠀⠀⠀Rick walked Bianca back to the shooting line. He kicked her feet apart, so she stood with them at shoulder width, her dominant foot ahead by only a few inches. He directed her hands, right hand on the handle and trigger finger down the side of the barrel. Then, her left hand rested slightly lower, wrapping around her right hand and holding it firmly in place.
⠀⠀⠀"Now, lift the gun and aim," Rick said when he finished, stepping back, so he was standing in front of her. "You should be looking through the sight and align the can inside it. Now, try again, and don't let the kickback knock you out."
⠀⠀⠀"Alright," Bianca muttered. She did as he asked, taking a deep breath in then out, and squeezed the trigger. The bullet flew from the chamber through the air and clipped the side of the can. Bianca stared with wide eyes as the can tipped then settled back in place but still, she had hit it! Bianca turned to Rick with a grin and exclaimed. "I did it! I did it!"
⠀⠀⠀"Well, not exactly," Rick laughed, patting her shoulder. "But it's better. You'll be hitting your marks in no time."
⠀⠀⠀Bianca grinned to herself as Rick left her to check on the others. She turned to Carl, and he nodded in excitement, having seen she had hit her target. She laughed a little to herself, then continued to practice.
BIANCA SAT WITH Daryl in his tent while he slept. She had been told that she couldn't use her sheet and stick as her place to sleep anymore by Rick. So, Daryl assured her that she could camp out in his. He had more than enough room anyway since it was meant for him and Merle.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca had gotten to chapter seven in The Pillars of the Earth, her eyes growing foggy, and she nearly fell asleep when she heard shouting. Bianca stayed lying down, resting the book on her chest as she peeked outside the mesh window with half-lidded eyes.
⠀⠀⠀"Hey!" Maggie shouted, storming from the truck she and Glenn had arrived in and was headed toward Lori. "We got your stuff!"
⠀⠀⠀"Maggie, hang on, please," Glenn called desperately behind her, trying to keep up.
⠀⠀⠀Lori sat a few feet from Daryl's tent, folding laundry. She looked around warily, not seeing anyone around, then ushered Maggie to follow her.
⠀⠀⠀"C'mon in here," Lori said, her words soft but nervous.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca furrowed her brows, curious why Lori seemed so nervous and Maggie angry. She hadn't seen either like that in their time at the farm.
⠀⠀⠀"Why? Nothin' to hide!" Maggie exclaimed, fumbling with the bag in her hand as she started throwing items at Lori. "We got your special delivery right here! We got your lotion, got your conditioner, your Soap Opera Digest."
⠀⠀⠀"Maggie—"
⠀⠀⠀"Next time you want something, get it your damn self! We're not your errand boys," Maggie spat at Lori.
⠀⠀⠀"Honey, I..." Lori tried to say but trailed off as Maggie bent down and picked up a box. She threw it into Lori's chest, turning as red as an apple.
⠀⠀⠀"And here's your abortion pills!"
⠀⠀⠀With that, Maggie turned on her heel and stormed off toward the farmhouse with Glenn tripping behind her. Lori was left in their campgrounds in a shocked state, holding the pill bottle close to her chest.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca felt bad for unintentionally hearing a secret not meant for her. Even if she could have done nothing to stop it. She frowned as she watched Lori straighten herself up to tell herself she was okay and went to her tent.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca glanced at Daryl, worried Maggie had woken him, but he was dead asleep. His breathing was slow, and a quiet snore fell from his lips.
⠀⠀⠀For the moment, Bianca left it at that, knowing Lori needed time to herself. It wasn't an easy decision for anyone, no matter how young or old, kids or no kids, knowing for sure before what you wanted. The weight of either decision was heavy, even if it was just for a moment, on any person's shoulder.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca watched as Glenn passed, heading for Lori's tent. Then he left, and Lori not long after that. To Bianca, she wasn't sure if she had decided yet until Dale came around. He told her a story of his wife, who had a miscarriage and the baby they lost and didn't try for another after. Lori explained her fears, how she worried about Carl beginning to lose what joy he had to the world, and now that the baby might not get any of its own. She worried then seemed to come up with a decision and left to her tent.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca made her decision, standing as she walked to Lori's tent, knocking on the plastic the best she could. Lori stood, scrambling with the packages inside. She walked over to the flap and unzipped it, looking at her wildly. She blocked the interior so Bianca couldn't see in.
⠀⠀⠀"Can I come in?" Bianca asked with a hesitant smile. "I need to talk to you about somethin'."
⠀⠀⠀"I'm a little busy right now, hon," Lori said, her tone just like her mom's, and it made Bianca's heart pinch the tiniest bit. "Can we do it later?"
⠀⠀⠀"I know," Bianca told her bluntly, not fond of beating around the bush.
⠀⠀⠀"Know? Know what?" Lori asked, eyes widening.
⠀⠀⠀"I heard Maggie yelling at you. I think what I have to say might ease your mind a little," Bianca explained with a shrug, glancing away because the eye contact was becoming overwhelming.
⠀⠀⠀Lori stared at her with a frown. It burned the side of Bianca's face until slowly she nodded and stepped aside.
⠀⠀⠀"Alright," Lori murmured.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca walked past Lori and stood at the edge of the table. She stared down at the bottle of blue pills while Lori sat in front of them. They both stayed like that for a few minutes. Then, Lori dragged her gaze up to Bianca's with a defeated expression across her face.
⠀⠀⠀"What do you have to say?" Lori asked.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca fiddled with her fingers resting in front of her, staring at the bottles. She thought over Lori's question a hundred times, her face blank as she did. Lori didn't seem unsettled by her lack of response and waited until she was ready.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca glanced at Lori again and smiled awkwardly, taking in a breath.
⠀⠀⠀"I was in college, as you know, young and all that. Just a kid, an idiot at that even if I am a genius," Bianca explained, chuckling to herself to try and keep the air light between them. Lori cracked a smile, but they were both stuck in the thick tension of her situation. "I don't know if you know, but I was in love with a boy. He was my everything. I was sure we were gonna get married, live in a big house, use my brother's kids as our rental kids. I'm not a kid person, and neither is Cal. My brother, though..." Bianca trailed off, widening her eyes, and let out a laugh.
⠀⠀⠀Eugene had always been the one with the dream of the big family going to the beach on weekends and Disney World over the summer. He would be the son to give their parents grandkids and not be a disappointment. Bianca dreamed of working, inventing and making the world a better place.
⠀⠀⠀"Cal and I were careful. I was on the pill, he wore condoms, all that shit, and yet, it's never enough, right? Stupid kids in love always get what's coming to them. I ended up getting pregnant, sick as a dog, throwing up before class and during. I'm smart, but not when it comes to myself. I didn't even realize I was pregnant until my best friend pointed out that I might."
⠀⠀⠀Bianca glanced down at her hands, staring at the ring on her thumb. She spun it around nervously, urging herself to continue.
⠀⠀⠀"Taking that pregnancy test, it was the first time I questioned what I wanted. If I wanted to have a kid because it's one thing to know without having it and another to have it and throw it out. At least, for me. Anyways, Elena was the first to know, and she stayed up with me through the night as I debated what I wanted. The next morning I told Cal, and we took a few extra weeks to think it over. I was barely showing, just hit the second trimester..."
⠀⠀⠀Bianca's eyes were growing blurry as she frowned, clenching her fists. She debated if she wanted to continue, holding her breath, and she could feel the blood rush to her face. Lori reached her hand out, taking Bianca's in hers with a reassuring squeeze.
⠀⠀⠀"Anyways, in the end, the universe seemed to make the decision for me. I had a miscarriage that scarred me worse than I think getting the abortion would. I was in class, and my stomach felt like razor blades your parents warned you about in your Halloween candy was spinning around in there. And, anyway, you get what happened."
⠀⠀⠀"Yeah," Lori muttered, nodding softly.
⠀⠀⠀"The reality of it is, I wouldn't have been able to handle a kid," Bianca continued, squaring her shoulders and blinking the tears from her eyes. "I'm not good for them. I'm angry, mean, a workaholic, and I don't want a kid around that. I don't want a kid in general, but you understand my point."
⠀⠀⠀"You're good with Carl," Lori pointed out with a thin smile.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca glanced at her.
⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, he's a good kid, and he's not mine," Bianca explained, turning away again. "I'm not meant to be a mother. I just hurt everyone around me."
⠀⠀⠀Bianca felt the tears returning, removed her hand from Lori, and wiped her palms into her eyes hard enough she saw spots. Explaining what had happened for the first time had taken a toll on her, and the feelings she thought she left in the past seemed to come right back. As if she didn't have enough issues at the moment already.
⠀⠀⠀"I'm not saying that about you," Bianca continued once she realized what she had just explained to Lori and the point she had yet to make. "I'm saying, if I had the option, in the end, to get an abortion or chance a miscarriage and try for a baby, I wouldn't feel so guilty about it now. But, instead, I let myself stew on a decision I knew that I would choose in the end. You're already a mom, Lori. You know more than most of us what this would take, and I know if you wanted to try, you could do it. Even out here. But, I also wanted you to know there's someone here for you that understands if you can't find the will to keep it."
⠀⠀⠀Lori smiled faintly as Bianca finished. She turned to the package and stared warily at it. She popped the pills out in haste, seeming to make her decision. With a handful, Lori hesitated. Bianca squatted down and reached out to Lori and held her hand, now offering her comfort. Lori nodded, then popped the handful of pills down her throat and swallowed.
⠀⠀⠀They sat there for a second, taking in what had happened. Lori started shaking her head, looking pale as she stood. Her hand slipped from Bianca's, and she sprinted from the tent. Bianca followed after her as they headed to the edge of the farm. Lori fell to her knees, and Bianca sat beside her, her hand on Lori's back while she stuck her fingers down her throat, throwing the pills up a second later.
⠀⠀⠀Lori panted, leaning back on her knees, and reached for Bianca's hand again, squeezing it tightly.
⠀⠀⠀"Thank you," she whispered.
⠀⠀⠀Bianca nodded and stayed with her as they watched the sunset below the tree line. Bianca's mind was riddled with questions of Cal and what he was doing. She didn't worry about her miscarriage anymore, hardly thought about it. She'd done well to hide that sliver of her life behind a closed door. But she took this time to daydream about what it might be like to raise a kid out in this world. The idea scared her, she knew she would never be able to do something as brave as that, but she knew Lori could handle it.
⠀⠀⠀An hour passed when Rick found them. Lori noticed him first, frowning as she turned to Bianca.
⠀⠀⠀"Bianca, honey, you should get on," Lori whispered. "I have to deal with this on my own."
⠀⠀⠀Bianca rose a confused brow, then turned to see Rick standing a few feet away from them with a scowl. Bianca nodded quickly and stood. She passed, Rick, keeping her eyes low as she headed for the farmhouse, hoping it was better over there than with the Grimes.
AUTHOR'S NOTE —
Hello, I'm so happy to update. I feel like it's been forever and yet I've only missed one update. I am feeling better, if you guys saw my update saying I had Covid. I was home all week and feeling like death. I'm pretty much back to normal except I have a really weird cough and my chest kind of hurts.
Anyways, so yeah... I worry this is kind of sudden news to come up of Bianca because I kind of thought of it back when I first wrote this episode which was after I started posting season 1. I hope it doesn't seem too weird, I think Bianca would shove that shit down and not give away that she had a miscarriage when in school. It makes sense to me!
I was going to do a flashback of this and the miscarriage but when I started writing Bianca just info dumping it all to Lori I was like... nah. That's too much repeated information and also I'm so tired of these flashbacks I'm ready to be rid of them.
I might update again sometime this week other than my normal update time (Wednesdays and Sundays) since I missed last week and I'm so excited for season 3 that I want to be back on my timeline.
SONG: No One Knows by Queens of the Stone Age
Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like. However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.