Meredith's Point-of-View
"They're letting me take you down." I said as I pushed Derek's bed into the elevator. "But I have to cover the general surgery floor while my parents are in there operating on you."
"Well, I'll just have to see you afterwards." He said confidently. I felt my eyes mist as the fear of that 85% chance winning over started to swarm my gut. "Meredith? What's wrong."
I sucked in a deep breath and let it out quickly as I tried to bat at my tears. "I'm scared."
"What are you scared of?" he asked softly as he wrapped his hand around mine.
"I'm scared of losing you." I sniffled "Which isn't something you need to hear from your doctor right before your surgery but... Derek, you better make it. If you don't make it, I'm not going to make it."
"Kiss me." He breathed.
"What?" I scoffed.
"Kiss me." He repeated.
I leaned over quickly and touched my lips softly to his, lingered a moment of tingled bliss before standing up straight again as the elevator dinged. He smiled.
"Ok, I'll make it, I'll be ok."
"Promise?" I quivered.
"Promise," he smiled, "If I see any bright lights, I'll run the opposite direction."
"Ok." I smiled.
The doors of the elevator opened, and he gave my hand a squeeze before taking it away. I pushed him down the hallway and into OR 2 where the scrub nurses took over. He gave me one last confident smile before I walked into the scrub room where my parents were starting to scrub in.
"Patricia has my list of patients I need you to check on." Richard said. "This will probably take all day so you should keep me posted about every three hours."
"Ok."
"I'll need you to assess any incomings." My mother said, "If they need urgent care, I left you a number for Dr. Kessler at Seattle Prez. He is the next best thing when it comes to me."
"Alright."
"How is our patient doing?" Dad asked.
"Remarkably confident." I breathed "which is more than I can say for myself, but his odds are better here than if no surgery was involved."
"You put him in excellent hands Meredith." Mom said as comforting as she could "You did good work, I'm proud of you. But now you've got to let us do what we do best."
"Right." I sighed. I took a CD case out of my pocket "Here, put this on during the surgery, it's his favorite band...The Clash. Also, keep the bright lights away or we may never get him to wake up. Keep the fighting or bickering to a minimum, the more relaxing surgery is the better the patient's outcome, and it shortens the recovery time too."
My mom and dad exchanged a look.
"Anything else?" Dad asked.
"Yeah." I sighed, "Please don't kill him."
I looked in on just about every patient in the surgical wing that had been touched by a general surgeon, twice.
I was doing the best job that I could, but I knew that my head wasn't clear.
"Who is the guy?"
I snapped out of my trance as I noted a patient's vitals into her chart and looked down to see a smirk on the woman's face.
"Excuse me?"
"I've been sitting here talking to you the last ten minutes about my life. Here I am, sitting in a hospital bed alone with no one to speak with. All you keep saying is 'uh-huh, that's real nice'?"
"I apologize." I said sympathetically, "I just have a lot on my mind."
"I can see that." She smirked "I just want to know who the guy is?"
I blushed, which just gave my ass away more, so I let out a sigh of defeat.
"He's amazing." I smiled, her grin widened, "Like, I could spend the rest of my life with him amazing. I didn't think people like him existed. I was content with just being by myself and working on my career for the rest of my life, ya know?"
"Oh, honey please don't do that?" She chuckled "Take it from an old hag, living for your career gets you nothing but alone in life." She smiled, "Have you told him how you feel?"
"I told him I love him."
"Does he know you want to spend the rest of your life with him?"
"I've only known him for three weeks." I sighed "Isn't that too soon?"
"Maybe." She squinted, "Why don't you go have lunch with him or something, get a feel for his heart."
"I can't." I gulped
"Of course you can." She encouraged, "We only live life once."
"No really, I can't." I sighed with depression, "He is in surgery right now, probably will be most of the day. He's a cancer patient and I've sort of been his doctor. I know that sounds bad, but it's not like I really wanted to feel this way about him. He's in surgery right now, a really risky surgery that he might not live through, and that's why I'm so distracted." I took a breath and looked to see her awestruck expression, "Oh god, I'm sorry, I said too much."
I turned with her chart in my hand to evade the room, when her hand reached out and caught me.
"You don't get to go back and change anything." She said, "playing it safe gets you nowhere. You don't get to go back and get a redo on the things you wish you'd done. So, if this patient of yours really makes you feel like you could walk on clouds...what else matters anyway?"
I smiled in appreciation as I left the room.
I delivered her chart to the nurses' station and felt an anxiety attack coming, so I skipped to the OR gallery and took the stairs two at a time. I stepped in the room that was half full, a familiar face looked up at me from the front row and shot me a glare. I gulped as my shoulders slumped and I walked over to slide into the chair next to him.
"I'm not a violent person."
He scoffed, "The bruise on my jaw tells a different story."
"I don't know how to explain, or what excuse to give, so I'm just sorry... I shouldn't have hit you."
He pressed his lips together and nodded "You know I may be an asshole, and I may be the stray that won't go away. But in my own sick twisted way I'm your friend and I am just worried about you."
"I'm fine."
"He's more than just a patient Meredith." He protested "You worked too hard to get thrown out on your ass like that. You're the one to beat around here, don't do anything stupid."
I bit my tongue and nodded "Thank you, I'll keep that in mind."
"What are you doing up here anyway." He mumbled "Come to watch your boyfriend die?"
I rolled my eyes, "He isn't my boyfriend, and he isn't dying either."
"I beg to differ." He said just as I heard the worst sound a surgeon could hear in an OR.
I gasped as I threw myself up out of the chair and darted out the door and down the stairs like my ass was on fire. I rushed into the OR scrub room tying on a scrub cap and then a mask, I scrubbed in as fast as I could and watched in horror as my mother and father frantically tried to save Derek.
"I can help!" I gasped as I rushed into the OR. They looked up at me.
"Meredith get out!" my mother shouted, "You have patients to look in on, Mr. Shepherd isn't the only one in this hospital, I need you out there."
"Right now he is the only patient crashing. You have more bleeders than hands and I can help!"
"Ellis." My dad interjected "She has a point."
My mother let out a rigid sigh, "Fine, hurry and get over here."
The nurses threw the sterile garb on me as fast as they could, and I rushed to the table in a panic.
"Retract and suction." My mother ordered, "Right there by the renal artery."
I did just as she asked, I suctioned around the area she was suturing and silently chanted a prayer to whatever God may be up there.
"Done."
She looked up and I just realized that the machines were now calm and quiet, and his vitals were once again stable. I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding.
"Well done sweetheart." Dad smiled at mom.
"I had help." She sighed and glanced at me, "You know, if you could ever learn to respect me Meredith, we might make a good team someday."
I felt my heart jump at the nicest compliment my mother had ever offered me. I looked at my very heart, split wide open on the table, alive and stable, and felt relief that almost brought me to tears.
"I respect you." I mumbled, "You have no idea."