It's dark outside as I lay on the ground between Lucas and Milan of the football field. We had just finished driving back from Milan's place after having his parents force feed me. After leaving, we had quickly stopped by the store to pick up a bunch of alcohol.
Milan is the first one to speak up, "You guys remember the rule right?" He asks, "Whatever happens here, stays here." He reminds us, it was a pact the three of us made a while ago. We did this every once and a while, just to escape reality. The rule was made up when the three of us started getting deep into some real serious topics, personal. We didn't want everyone knowing what we went through. This was a safe place for us.
We nod. "You know..." I start, "We should name our little trio."
Lucas rolls his eyes, "What would you name it?" He asks anyways, feeding into my idea.
I frown, "Why do I have to come up with the name?"
Lucas snickers when Milan flicks my forehead, "We should name it ELM Night." Milan says, thoughtfully. He laughs when our eyebrows furrow with confusion. "What?" He asks.
"What does ELM stand for?" Lucas wonders, moving to sit up.
"Eris, Lucas, Milan." Milan smiles, his hand reaching out to start opening the alcohol.
"That's stupid." I say, crossing my arms.
He lets out a low chuckle, "Well when you come up with a better name, let me know." He retorts, a lazy smile etched on his face as he finishes opening the first bottle, "So how do you guys want to start? Want to play a game?" He suggests, placing the bottle in the middle when I finally move to sit up.
"Do you have a game in mind?" I ask.
He stares at me for a moment as if he's in deep thought, "Let's start off with the basic game." A slow smile spreads on his face, "Truth or Drink. If you don't want to drink, you tell the truth. If you don't feel like telling the truth then you drink." He explains, "I'll start."
His eyes flicker over towards Lucas, "Truth or drink?"
Lucas mulls over it for a moment, "Truth." He chooses, starting the game.
"Is it true you're gay?" He asks, his face so serious that I burst into laughter.
Lucas's eyes crinkle fondly at our friends stupidity, "Am I gay?" He repeats, tilting his head, "You know, I never really thought about that. I don't really have a preference, I just like who I like. You know?" He tells us, truthfully.
A proud feeling creeps at my chest, "Same." I agree, shoving at his shoulder as we share a smile. It wasn't really a secret that I had been with both women and men. Everyone knew and it wasn't something I was ashamed of.
"You're turn." Milan tells Lucas, gesturing him to ask me a question.
Lucas's eyes meet mine, "Truth or drink."
I purse my lips, "Truth."
Lucas's eyes twinkle with mischief which was rare, "Is it true that you use to have a crush on Kaio?" He asks, his eyes daring me to lie.
I gasp, "Who told you that?"
He lets out a loud laugh at the way my cheeks flare up, "So it's true?" He grins, "You had a crush on Kaio?" He repeats, his shoulders shaking with laughter as I shove him away from me.
"It was only for like a week." I mumble sheepishly, rolling my eyes at Milan's snicker. He was the first one to know about it. "I thought he was really cute." I admit, "And he smells really good." They shake their heads at me, "Anyways, it's my turn." I announce, changing the subject. "Truth or drink?" I ask, Milan.
His eyes dance, "Truth."
"Is it true you're getting a new sister?" I ask, excitement bubbling up in my stomach. His mom had spilled the beans to me earlier, supposedly she was going to be fostering a young girl around our age, maybe younger. They had been speaking with a social worker for a while now.
His smile falters a bit as he reaches out to press the alcohol bottle against his lips, gulping down a large amount. When he's done, I'm suprised when he speaks again, "Maybe." He shrugs, glaring at the ground.
Lucas not so subtly snatches the bottom from Milan before drinking. I keep my attention on Milan, "Why do you sound so sad about it?" I wonder.
He shugs again, "What were you sad about earlier?"
My eyebrows jump with suprise, "Wow." Smirking as his eyes flash with guilt, "Touchy subject? Got it." I back off, raising my hands in surrender. Then I sigh, "Loki and I decided to stay away from each other for good." I admit quietly, forgetting about the game completely as I stare down at my hands.
Lucas passes the bottle over to me with furrowed eyebrows, "What? Why?" He asks, concern washing over his boyish features.
I drown down the alcohol, my throat burning at how strong it is. "We fight a lot." I tell him as I pull the bottle away from my lips to squeeze my eyes shut at the burn. "It's been worse than usual." I spill, rolling my lips between my lips as I take another sip. "I think..." I hesitate, "I think it's better this way."
"What do you fight about?" Lucas asks.
My silence is loud as I remember our recent arguments. It was all really confusing but there was one argument that struck me the most and despite Loki's reassurance and apologies, I'll never forget it. "Eris?" Milan calls out, "You okay?" He asks, his eyes roaming over my face.
I ignore his question, "Do you guys think I'm a slut?" I ask, randomly and I watch as their faces drop with horror and almost laugh. I genuinely wanted to know how they felt about me sleeping around. People seemed to have a problem with it and I never understood why. It wasn't hurting anyone so what was the problem?
I don't wait for an answer as I continue, "Chase called me a slut. Most people do, it's not a secret but for some reason it's been nagging at me more than usual. I don't think I am at least, maybe a little but I don't feel like i've slept with that many people. Sometimes I just do it because I feel lonely, you know? Or because I'm sad." I ramble, missing the worried glance they both give eachother. I move to lay on my back again, staring up the sky. "Lately, it feels like there's this empty whole in my chest. I have to put a hand over my chest to remember there isn't because my heart is there and it's beating." I squint up at the stars. "Have you ever felt like that?" I wonder.
It's Lucas who speaks up, "Sometimes..." He hesitates, "Or most times I feel like I'm not living in my own body. I dissociate. I don't feel connected with the world or anyone. I feel empty." He tells us, "I feel alone too and most of the time I enjoy being alone but I get these moments in life where I wish someone could just see me. Understand me." He finishes, quietly. His hand resting over my knee to comfort me, "Lucio tells me that it's okay to feel like this. He told me to accept it instead of ignoring it because if I acknowledge it then I'm aware." He finishes, breathing out deeply.
It's quiet for a long moment, "The girl my mom is going to be fostering doesn't want to get adopted. The social worker had told us her thoughts and she's made it more than clear that she has no interest in staying in the same house as us." Milan admits, his eyes meeting mine.
"Is she allowed to make that decision?" I ask.
Milan snorts, "No." He deadpans, "None of those kids get choices." His voice grows darker, "I think that's why I'm so upset about it. It bothers me to think about how someone so young has no guidance. No parents and no one to turn too." He says, "The social worker basically called her a menace to society as if she couldn't wait to get rid of her." He finishes and I frown. I forgot how big Milan's heart was. He cared about everyone and his love ran deep. I thought it was because he didn't want another sibling, turns out he was just worried about her.
"Have you met her?" I ask, curiously.
He shakes his head, "Not yet." Then he sighs, "Life is just a little harder that usual." He lays down beside me, "I remember when I was in rehab and wanted to kill myself because I just wanted to be with my mom." He says and my throat tightens, "So imagine how all those kids in the system feel."
"Lonely." I whisper.
Milan sends me a weak a smile, "We're all lonely. Just in different ways. Sometimes we feel like we're misunderstood but there's always someone out there who does understand." He tells me and Lucas. Milan was always wise with his words. He always made sure to give us advice and be there for us, "You'll be okay. You're sad right now but when you finally find your happiness, it'll all be worth it. I promise." He says, his words sincere as he locks our hands together.
I didn't believe him. I smiled anyways and I could tell Lucas didn't believe him either because his focus was towards the ground. If Milan noticed it then he didn't show it, his eyes just meet mine again before speaking,"You're not a slut." He tells me, his voice soft.
I let out a soft laugh, "You don't have to lie." I roll my eyes, even though I feel something in my chest sink.
His eyes harden, "I'm not lying." He says, "You aren't." His grip on my hand tightens, "You're just coping."
I just nod. His disappointment is evident as he lets out a sigh of defeat, he knew I didn't believe him.
"Do you want me to kick Chases ass?" Lucas drawls, his voice quiet as he sips on the bottle of alcohol. I shake my head. I didn't care about Chase. He was the least of my problems, I didn't sleep with him so I don't know what the fuck his problem was.
"Just leave it alone." I say, "I don't want it to turn into some big deal when it's not that serious."
Lucas scowls, "It is a big deal." He says, "It's obviously affecting you. If you have to keep questioning yourself about it then it is a big deal, nobody should ever make you feel bad about yourself." He finishes, his words strong. "You don't deserve that, Eris."
I don't respond so he continues, "Don't bite my head off for it but sometimes I can barely even recognize you. I remember when we all first met you and you were so full of life." He say, his voice quiet and I feel my heart drop, "You barely even smile anymore." He finishes, his eyes flashing at my flinch.
"Am I supposed to be happy all the time?" I snap, my heart racing.
He shakes his head, "No! No that's not what I meant." He panics, "I just want you to be okay." He rushes to speak, "We all just worry about you sometimes. You don't talk to us as much as you use to and we miss you, I guess." He finishes, shrugging bashfully.
It's quiet for a moment or two, "I'm sorry." I croak, "I don't know what's wrong with me either." I respond, a bitter smile etching on my face.
Lucas's eyebrows furrow, "No." He leans forward to catch my eye, "Nothing is wrong with you." He tries but I'm not listening, "Eris? Hey, what's going on?" He asks, softening his tone, "Are you crying?"
Milan is quick to check, worry washing out his features but I brush them off, wiping at my face quickly, "I'm fine. I'm fine." I sniffle. When they try to speak again I cut them off, "Can you pass me the bottle?"
Author's Note:
My poor baby. She doesn't even know whats happening. I think the worst feeling is knowing something is wrong with you but not what is wrong with you. We all get to a point in our life where we feeling like giving up but it's important that you don't. This whole conversation with Eris and her two friends went through one ear and out the other because she doesn't believe them. She feels like nobody understands her.
She wants it to go away but it can't not until she acknowledges it. Just like Lucas said, accept it so that your aware. If you're aware then you know you need help and if you aren't then it can be dangerous because you'll get to a point where everything is way to much and it'll hit you 1000 times harder.
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