"How are you doing?" Dahlia asked as she ran her finger softly across my bruised eye.
It had been about a week since the incident and I hadn't been to college at all as I'd been trying to recover. My ribs were definitely bruised but a few more weeks and they will have healed on their own.
I shrugged and told her I could be a lot better. The attack had made me close in on myself a little. Dahlia and Charlie had tried to keep me company but I wasn't talking as much. I was trying to let my walls down a little again though. But I didn't understand what people had against other people and their walls. Some of us were just trying to protect whatever is left of us after whatever happened to put those walls up in the first place.
"You know Roman found me in college today. Asked about you," she said. Roman had messaged me a couple times but I didn't really have the heart to reply. It was people like Henry which made me realise I couldn't have nice things, nice people, because there's always bad people out to make me miserable for all the happiness some could bring me.
"What did you tell him?" I asked.
"Nothing. I just said that you were going through something. He wanted to know if it was something he did. He's just confused Alden," Dahlia explained. "I think you should talk to him."
I scoffed. "He's better off without me."
"You know, I'm one hundred percent, no, a thousand percent certain you probably thought the same when I first tried to be your friend. I can promise you were wrong then just like you're wrong now. I mean I have no idea what I would have done without my best friend to get me through college, even if I can't talk about girls with him."
I smiled at that. "You still talk about girls with me."
"Yeah well, you always respond with 'yeah I can see how she could be pretty' and all that bullshit."
"It's not like I can talk about guys with you."
"Well, I know someone you could talk about guys and gay shit with," she said as she got closer. "Roman."
"I'll think about it," came my reply knowing full well that I won't.
"Alden," she said softly. "Don't you get that this is what people like Henry want?" I might not have told the Colloways who had hurt me but one look from Dahlia when she finally came round to see me the first time after the incident, and I'd spilled the whole thing in excruciating detail.
I didn't enjoy keeping things to myself. It was hard not to have anyone to talk to sometimes. But it wasn't even that I didn't have anyone to talk to. It was that I didn't want to burden anyone with all of my bullshit. People were better off not knowing how haunted I was by my parents' death; the things that had happened to me in certain foster homes; the stupid and dangerous relationships I put myself in just because I wanted to feel loved.
I didn't want to upset people that cared about me and I didn't want pity either. My life was my life and that's just how it was. Nothing anyone could do or say could change the stuff I've been through so I didn't think there was any point in spilling all my secrets.
"What do you mean?" I asked Dahlia.
"People like Henry, they...they want this," she said gesturing at me with her hands dramatically. "They want people to give up. To just be in pain and be alone. Don't let what they did to you make you scared again. Don't let them win Alden."
As I contemplated what she said, I played with the stuffed lamb in my lap. My parents had given him to me after they took me to a farm to go strawberry picking one summer. I couldn't think of a name, so my father suggested 'Lambert' and I thought it was the best name I'd ever heard. I always had him with me when I was particularly struggling through my feelings.
"What if...," I began as I tried to piece my fears together into one coherent thought. "What if me and Roman become friends and then maybe more than friends and Henry sees us out somewhere, like in town or something, and instead of going after me he goes after Roman? Or what if I even just tell Charlie and Henry goes after him. I mean I worry every day that I'm gonna get a call from your mum and she's gonna tell me that something happened to you. Maybe not by Henry, but by anyone. By whatever is out there that wants to hurt me so bad by hurting the people I love?"
She smiled. "That's a risk that we all have to take you know - losing people we love. But what if we lose them no matter what we do? I know I would much rather have happy memories to look back on with them than wonder what could have been." We were both sat with our heads resting against the headboard of my bed, though now Dahlia was leaning her head on my shoulder as she wrapped her arms around mine. "Besides, you shouldn't worry about me so much. I can take care of myself."
I nodded and let her get my laptop so we could watch a movie for the rest of the evening. Halfway through, I saw a message pop up on my phone.
Roman -
Hey. I know you haven't replied to my last messages and you probably won't respond to this one but I talked to Dahlia earlier and she said you were going through something. I just wanted to know if you were okay?
I stared at it for ages contemplating what I should do. The movie became incomprehensible background noise to the loudness of my thoughts. There was a risk in letting Roman into my life, but I knew Dahlia was right, that it's a risk we all have to take. I couldn't imagine my life without Dahlia in it after I took that risk with her and maybe I'll feel the same about Roman if I just give him a chance.
It was a little difficult for me to hit the send button when I replied to him, but I still did it. I wasn't going to let Henry and anything else out there to hurt me win.
Alden -
Hi. I'm okay. I could be better.
Roman responded almost immediately.
Roman -
You replied! I'm glad you're okay even if it's only a little bit. Can I see you at all? Let's hang out x
——
Even though it was 12pm on a Saturday, I still felt a little on edge about going to Roman's place even though there was enough light out that no one would dare attack someone. I also was still suffering from some pain so it's not like we could have really done much together so, with Roman continuing to ask to hang out, I invited him over to the Colloways house.
The swelling around my eye had gone down but it was so bruised that I could paint white dots on my skin, and it would look like a galaxy. I stared at the bruising in the mirror with annoyance. The only kind of bruising I liked were hickeys but I'd been good at staying away from guys for a while. Too many times had I been used just for my body. If what Roman wanted out of me was a quick fuck and duck then he'd have another thing coming.
"Shit," Roman cursed as I opened the front door to him. "You look like shit."
"Thanks," I said deadpan.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that just," he reached his hand out to brush against my face lightly and I did my best not to wince. "Does it hurt?"
"Course it hurts," I replied. I'd been pretty grumpy all week but hopefully he could understand why.
"Right. Course. What happened?"
I sighed and invited him upstairs so we could talk in my room. I had no idea where Emily and Charlie were, but I saw Mike and Carrie sat in the dining room with cups of tea in their hands. They knew Roman was coming over and I was appreciative that they were staying out of the way, though I did notice Carrie take a peek just as we hurried upstairs.
"So?" Roman urged wanting to know what had happened. I gave him the abbreviated story I'd told everyone else of how I'd been attacked but leaving out who it was. "Who were they?" he asked just as everyone else had.
"It honestly doesn't matter." He looked like he wanted to press the subject but thought better of it.
"I should have walked you back," he said instead.
"Then it would have been two against three and both of us would have gotten our ass kicked."
"Nope. My parents have had me in mixed martial arts classes since I was 10. I'm not in classes anymore but guaranteed I could have taken them all on by myself alone," he boasted. I didn't want to admit it but honestly that was kind of sexy. I could imagine him now all covered in sweat from protecting me from Henry. My knight in shining armour if I allowed it. "I bet you think that's hot."
"No, I don't." I refused to look him in the eye. My face felt warm.
He raised his eyebrow. "You sure? Coz every girl I've told that to has."
"Whatever," I mumbled. "I can walk home by myself I've not a child."
"Still... next time I'll walk you. Though I'm finally doing my driving test this week, if I get my license my mum will let me borrow her car if she doesn't need it, so I'll just drive you home." He was sat on my desk chair and scooted himself closer to me on the bed. "I'll pick you up too. I know you're not a child and you can walk just fine but I will feel better if you let me do this for you."
I hadn't known Roman for long, my months of crushing on him doesn't count, but at his drive to want to protect me so badly I felt butterflies in my tummy. I didn't know Roman very well either, but some of the things I was starting to learn included how fiercely protective he could be and how loving he was to people he cared about.
I'd noticed it when we were hanging out with his friends last week. Whenever he picked out an insecurity to something one of them said, he would mention something about them for them to be proud of and just show them that he had their back. When Nate was picking on Keaton about me saying Keaton was hot but not my type, and Keaton had started to get a look of uncertainty on his face, Roman reminded him of the time he got with some girl all three of the boys had wanted. I could see Keaton's confidence come back from that alone even if it was in the form or egotistical boasting. I could tell everyone was fond of Keaton anyhow.
And then there was a moment where Ellie had told us about her ex messaging her again and, with how close Roman and I were sat, I could feel how rigid he got. He demanded Ellie just block him once and for all and said he wouldn't let him get away with hurting her again. It was then that I learnt Ellie's ex had cheated on her.
Naya had made a comment about how her hair looked terrible as it grew out of her box braids, and Roman made it a point to make sure she knew she had the best hair out of all of them. And at some point, the boys had started playing some video game while I chatted to the girls from where I still sat on the bean bag chair, and I could see Nate was getting extremely frustrated with always losing and I knew when Roman lost the next game, he'd done it on purpose. He'd won every game before then, so he knew what he'd been doing.
It was obvious why Roman had so many friends. Yes, some of them had left him now and I know Roman said it wasn't exactly because he was gay, but it wasn't a coincidence that they all abandoned him after he came out. But before that, before anything as trivial as sexuality came into the mix, I bet everyone who ever came into contact with Roman had been drawn to him in one way or another. He truly cared about the people he had in his life and all anyone ever wants is to be cared about.
"Why Roman?" I asked him, trying to understand. What was it about him that had drawn me to him even when we had never spoken one word to each other?
He sighed. "I'm trying to do this thing where I'm just more honest with people now because, even though I wasn't necessarily a liar before, I did keep a lot of things to myself, and it honestly didn't do me much good in the end. So, the truth is Alden I... I like you. Like I think I might have a crush on you kind of like you."
Well... fuck.
~~~~~~~~~
I've been on a roll with writing chapters lately ngl though uni will be starting again soon so that will probably start to take up my time again.
Still, I've been really enjoying writing this story so far, if you guys have been enjoying it so far, what are some things you've liked?
Don't forget to vote!