trigger warning: violence, blood, panic attacks.
L I L Y
It's been a few days since the scene in the parking lot, and my brother has done his best to avoid me ever since.
I've tried to talk to him about it, get him to open up to me and explain everything like he promised he would. But every time I've tried to corner him; in the car, the parking lot, school corridors, he just ignores me and walks away, eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed like he's trying his hardest not to let anything slip.
I see my brother in a different light now. It's still dim, not bright like sunshine in the in the way Emilio, Leo and our friends to light me up, but the darkness that used to surround him has slowly faded away.
I was trying to protect you, those words ring in my ears. I still don't know what he meant by that, and I won't know until he spills whatever secrets he's been keeping from me over the years.
Anger lingers because of his silence, streaming through my veins like searing fire. I don't want to be mad at him, I feel like I shouldn't be, but I can't help it.
The last thing I want to do is push him, but these secrets don't just affect him, they affect me too. And I deserve the truth, I deserve to know why he treated me the way that he did, why he ignored me, why he's claiming he protected me when all I ever saw was his shadow in the corner of the room as another bruise painted my skin.
And I'll find out, whether he's ready or not, it's my truth too.
It's Friday and Leo and I are in our shared math class now. The teacher hasn't been mean to me like he was the first time I entered his classroom, thankfully. I think he was just having an off day, and that's okay, we al have days like that.
"You want to start the project at my house after school?" Leo asks, referring to the paired project our teacher announced last week.
"Yeah," I nod slowly, gears running around in my head. My parents are out of town tonight and they shouldn't be home till late tomorrow night, meaning I don't have to worry about their punishments as long as I'm not stupid like I was with the football game. "I'll just need to check with Jack."
"Cool."
When class ends, Leo and I pack up our belongings and exit the class, muttering a small goodbye to our teacher. We meet the rest of our friends in the hallway since we all have the same next class: music.
I'd say music is my favourite subject so far. It's like an escape from reality, lost in the different sounds and songs. A release from everything else going on in my messed up life. I can listen to the music and everything else just fades away.
Mr Norris, our music teacher, agrees to let us work in the practice room as he doesn't have much written work planned for todays lesson.
"Just get comfortable with your instruments, we're going to have solo performances soon and I want everyone to feel confident." He says.
Atlas and Luke smirk since they already radiate confidence when it comes to performing, while the rest of us all nod as we pass him, heading straight for the practice room. Kaden and Killian join us too, and I'm glad for that.
I've grown closer to the twins over the past few weeks. They always make the effort to speak to me, asking me about my day, complimenting my triangle skills, offering help if I need any. It's gotten to the point that I see them as friends rather than just Leo's brothers.
I really like them, especially Killian. He's sweet while Kaden is silly.
-
My face must show my envy as Killian plays piano like it's what he was born to do.
"What you thinking about?" Kaden asks.
I look at him and smile, he seems genuinely interested in my thoughts. "I'm just jealous. I wish I could play something better than the triangle."
"Why?" his face twists. "The triangle is the good shit. Not as good as drums, but a solid second."
"You think?"
"Uh, duh, more like I know." he rolls his eyes. "What else would you want to learn?"
"Piano," I say wistfully. "I'd really love to play piano."
Kade's face lights up.
"We could teach you, you know," he watches my face closely, eyes brimming with excitement. "Killian and Leo play better than I do, but I know a few chords."
"All of you can play? Really?"
"Yeah," his smile softens as he shrugs. "It was our moms thing, she even wrote a few of her own compo... things."
"Did she teach you?" I ask, trying not to pry or correct him.
"Yeah," he swallows thickly, clearing his throat. "Well, she tried. I could never pick it up like Leo, Cal and Killian. Grey and Zac could already play perfectly, and Alex didn't even need to try, he just knew with little to no practice."
"What about Ace?"
I hear a few laughs echo, Kaden's being the loudest. "Ace? No," he snorts. "He's very impatient. He punched the piano keys on our smallest piano and Zac banned him from ever trying again."
I let out a laugh.
"I'd love to hear some of your moms compositions one day. If that's okay with you obviously." I squeak out. "A-and sorry, you know, that she's, uh, dead. She sounds like a real good mom."
Kaden looks amused, but there's something sad about his smile.
"She was the best mom ever, she'd really love you and for you to hear it. She loved it when someone sat and watched her play. That was Ace's thing, whenever the rest of us would try to press the keys and play with her, he'd sit at her feet and watch her." he tells me, words a whisper.
"Oh," I breathe out, feeling something in my chest ache for them. Why did their mom have to die? She was a good mom, yet my mom is horrible and is still alive...
How is that fair?
Not that I want her dead or anything, just...
Kade let's out a cough, his smile big and wide. "You're coming over tonight right?" I nod, assuming Leo told him. "If Zac's home then I'll get him to play something for you."
My heart swells at his offer, all these brothers have been so kind to me, kinder than my own family has ever been. How can these people who barley know me show so much care when my own parents can't?
"Really! He won't mind?"
"Zac? You kidding? He'd love to play it for you. It would make his day. Honest, hand to God."
"You're not even religious," Emilio chimes in.
Kaden rolls his eyes, "Seal antics."
"Semantics, Kaden, semantics." Killian corrects with a look of pain.
"Yeah, same thing."
I let out a laugh and smile so big it hurts my cheeks.
"Now," Kade's smile matches mine as he pushes Killian away from the piano and pats the edge of the stool for me. "Let's teach you some basics."
-
Thanks to Kade, with a little input from his brothers, I can now play Mary has a little lamb. It's not Chopin level or anything, but it's a start.
We make our way to lunch, Atlas and Luke going on and on about their two man band and how they need to give us all a proper performance like the rockstars they are.
Thinking of watching them in their element is exciting. I've never saw a live show or a band, I never thought I'd have the opportunity to. It's nice that they know what they want to be when they grow up— who they want to be. Never in my life did I ever think I'd make it this far, yet here I am with a world of possibilities ahead. Don't get me wrong, I know I won't work out who I am tomorrow, but there's always the day after.
That I'm hopeful for.
And hope for living to my teenager years was something forever foreign to me before. Before moving. Before school. Before meeting them.
But not now. Now, I have hope. Hope for a future. Hope for living. For loving. I could become a musician, a doctor, an animal doctor, maybe even a dentist. I could become a social worker, help kids who've found themselves in situations just like me.
A chance. All I need is a chance.
One day, I'll escape the monsters that are meant to be my parents, meant to love me unconditionally, it's something that never even crossed my mind before. I always feared I'd be doomed and die at the hands of those who brought me into the world. It was something I'd made peace with, because back then who would even miss me...
Now I have a reason to fight. Not just one, but eight.
I have eight reasons to live... to survive.
"Do you hear that?" Luke pauses, a chain reaction as we all follow his lead and stop in our steps.
Echos of grunts lace the air, the corridors filled with kids chanting fight, fight, fight.
My friends, as nosy as they are, rush towards the sound as I cautiously trail after them.
A gasp falls from my lips at the scene before me. My brother is stood in the centre of the makeshift circle our peers have made, blood streaming from his lips as another kid, a much older kid, throws punch after punch at him.
"Jack," I whimper feebly, so quiet I'm not sure anyone can hear it.
My friends seem just as stunned as me, each of them watching with wide eyes, hands over mouths as their bodies surround me, boxing me in like I'm theirs to protect.
Leo's brothers round the corner, eyes trailing the corridors as if they know exactly what they're looking for. Callan and Carter are first to react, pulling the big kid away from Jack as Alex and Ace head for my brother.
The older boy swings his head forward, pulling away from their hold as his forehead surges towards Ace in his quest for Jack, hitting him square in the nose.
"What the fuck?" Ace snaps, eyes glaring.
Crimson leaks from his nose to the off-white linoleum, and I stand there, frozen, trembling, breaths coming out like rabid pants. Flashbacks filter through my vision; crimson on the concrete, my body laying beside it, pain radiating from every inch of me...
Gasping, I dig my finger nails into my hands and tear up my skin, trying to control the manifesting panic attack that threatens to floor me.
Breathe, Lily. Everything's okay, you're safe. Breathe. I tell myself it over and over, hoping my mind soon catches up and believes it.
The older boy breaks free and tackles Jack to the floor. My brother pushes to his feet quickly as the fight carries on more brutally than it was before. There's more and more red. It colours my sight and I get lost in the imaginary Red Sea before me. Phantom hands grip my throat with all their mite, my lungs burn, chest aching.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Jack, Jack, Jack.
I try to focus, try to help as best I can. Moving away from my friends, I push through the crowd and make a beeline for my brother. He may have never been my knight in the times I needed him, but that doesn't mean I won't fight for him.
"Jack!" I scream. I scream so loud my lungs burn even more. "Please, stop. Please!"
He pauses and looks up, searching for me through the mass of students. He finds me, eyes gluing to mine like velcro pads. The nameless older boy uses the distraction to strike, swinging and landing a solid punch on my brothers cheek.
Jack falls and I let out a sob. My fault. All my fault.
Weak, pathetic, useless.
They were right. They were so right.
He kicks Jack in the stomach and looks at him with a smirk I've only ever saw my father wear. It's evil and twisted.
"Oh," he looks from Jack to me. "Who is this little beauty, huh? Is this your baby sister?" The boy taunts, eyes lighting up like he's won the lottery. His eyes seem to shift to somewhere behind me, eyebrows furrowing like he's connecting a puzzle. It's confusing, but I don't have time to dwell on that.
"Fuck off, Marco." Jack snaps, trying and failing to push himself up. He spits out a mouthful of blood and glared at the boy. "Leave her out of this or I swear to god I'll fucking kill you."
Marco, I assume, ignores my brother and heads straight for me. My hands tremble, throat seizing up. For Jack. I'm doing this for Jack.
Holding my breath, I square my shoulders and meet his evil green eyes. There's flecks of brown too, making me question what colour his eyes truly are. Brown or green. Brown or green. Brown or green. I still can't tell even when he's less than a step away.
Marco lifts his hand and strokes my cheek. I try my best not to shiver, not to show fear. Father loves fear, searches for it whenever he can. I won't give this boy what he wants.
I can hear my friends push their way to the front of the crowd. My insides light up, they're trying to get to me... they care, they care, they care.
His large hand shifts from my cheek to my hair, he swirls one of my curls between his thumb and index finger. My heart hammers, body begging for me to recoil. But I don't. I don't and I won't.
For Jack, for Jack, for Jack.
"Must say, Jack, your baby sister is a sure going to be a heartbreaker when she grows up," he taunts, "if you can't find me my money, maybe I'll let you pay with her—"
However Marco was going to end his sentence, I'll never know. Ace's hand lands effortlessly on his jaw, sucking the words away with the wind that wheezes out of him. Blood from his lip splashes on my cheek as he stumbles away from me.
I let out a breath, and another, and another. I'm wheezing again, panic rising as I feel the hot crimson sink into my pores. The scene around me begins to blur, terror gripping all my senses.
Someone picks me up and I cry, I cry and bury my face in their neck, recognising the scent instantly. I hold onto him, my fingers gripping his shirt with all the strength I have left.
We're in a room. Someone closes the door and multiple footsteps echo. We're not alone, muffled voices break past the sound barrier my panic attack built.
I'm sat down somewhere, it's cold and maybe wooden. A desk, I think. Trembling hands hood my cheeks, they're small and cold.
"Lily," someone says, it's muffled. They sound like they're crying. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. Follow my voice, okay? Breathe for me, sissy."
Jack. Jack. Jack.
"That's it. You've got it. Through the nose, out the mouth. You're doing so good."
The blur reduces and I can make out Jack's face. It's bloodied and bruised, but all I can see is the sadness, the guilt.
He helped me. He brought me out of my hysteria. Jack helped me.
"Are you okay?" he chokes out, his fingers holding onto my cheeks harder, like he's scared I'll wilt away. "I'm so sorry, Lil."
I nod. I think I nod. Nothing feels real.
"I-I I'm okay," I wheeze, taking in a stuttered breath. "Don't worry. I-I just need a minute."
I lean back slightly, frowning as I feel a hand rubbing circles on the top of my back. Jack's hands are still on my cheeks. I flinch forward towards my brother, confused by our surroundings. Jack holds me as my eyes shift behind me, it's Callan. He smiles sheepishly, mouthing a soft sorry. I let out a relieved breath and give a weak smile back.
It's only when I turn back to Jack that I notice it's not just the three of us. All of Leo's brothers and Leo are here too. Embarrassment burns my cheeks red and I duck my head, trying not to focus on them.
"Are you okay?" I whisper, allowing my eyes to run over Jack's injuries.
"Yeah," he smiles at me, it's genuine, a smile I don't think I've ever saw before. "It's you I'm worried about."
"But you're hurt," I gently lift my hand, cautiously grazing it along his swollen cheek. "You should go to the nurse."
Jack's lip trembles as he looks down at me, I'm sure his eyes water, but that could just be from the pain he's in. Startling me, he places his hand over mine, holding it to his cheek.
"I'm okay, Lily. I promise." He clears his throat, dropping his hand as he takes a step back. "Leo told me you have a project to work on at his house tonight." I nod to confirm. "You're gonna stay overnight, okay?" My eyes widen, lips curving up. A sleepover? I've never had a sleepover before. "Callan's going to take you back there now with Leo and their brothers. You can miss the last two lessons today."
"But... won't I get in trouble?" I whisper.
"No," Jack shakes his head. "I'll talk to the nurse and tell her you're going home. They won't call anyone if I let them know."
I look to my friend and raise an eyebrow, making sure Leo's okay with this whole sleepover plan first. He smiles and gives me a thumbs up, like he understood my silent question.
"Okay," I tell Jack.
"Okay," he repeats. "Go with Callan, he'll drive you with Leo."
I follow the boys as they make their way out of the classroom, the corridor is empty now, everyone in their classes now. I turn back and latch my hand onto my brothers shirt. He looks down at me and raises his eyebrows.
"What was the fight about?" I ask him, feeling eyes on us both.
Jack looks at the boys before shifting his attention back to me. "It doesn't matter."
"Jack, please."
"I'll tell you everything tomorrow, Lily. I have things I need to do tonight first, okay?"
"Everything? Like everything everything?"
"Every single thing, Lil. I promise."
***
AUTHORS NOTE:
I've still to edit the chapters after this, specifically the ones with the titles written rather than numbers. Please excuse any spelling mistakes or cringe moments (there's a lot of them) I'm changing a few parts of the plot to make it more realistic— so if you notice anything that's a bit ridiculous, don't worry it'll be changed eventually.
Xx