He watched as Venice fed his fish. It made him smile. He seemed to really like Nessa's fishes, always watching them closely as though they were the most fascinating thing to him. Nessa could have watched Venice for hours. Sometimes he did.
The shakes were the worst part, she thought. Sometimes she felt fine, normal even. Then other times she felt like she wasn't even real. Like a human trapped in a doll's plastic skin.
Her body would start to cold sweat all over again, and her hands would shake uncontrollably. Everything hurt. Her bones, her head, her heart, her lips. Keely would find herself justifying taking just a little bit of anything. It didn't even matter what. She just wanted to rummage through her parents' room until she found something that would offer any form of relief.
But she didn't do that at all, because it would not solve anything.
She had been sober for weeks, with only one minor slip up within the first few. Keely couldn't even comprehend something more difficult than overcoming addiction. It felt like almost all of her thoughts were always glued on the idea of taking drugs or getting drunk. It had been like that for weeks. It was wearing her out.
Whenever she took to researching how long withdrawals would last, she learned that it really just depended on what the withdraws were for and how long she took it. Which was her biggest problem, because it was withdrawals from everything. Keely couldn't even remember a time in her life before drugs and alcohol.
As all of those things were driving her to nausea, she was also dealing with her parents in their bedroom. They were high, and they were being as open about their relationship as always. It was only making Keely sicker. She decided to get the hell out of there, before she threw up half because of them.
Keely had no idea where she was going. All she knew was that she needed to do something. Otherwise, she was going to implode. So she stepped out of the trailer, glancing around the trailer park. There were a few kids playing, a few parents cooking. Keely lived there her entire life, so it was exactly the scene she was accustomed to. It was about dinner time. She was vaguely hungry, but she was used to just eating junk food as dinner since her parents usually didn't anything.
At first, she just began to walk. She didn't have any destination in mind other than a place that would help her stop shaking. It didn't help that the weather was so cold, snow completing coating the city in its chilly daze. Keely wore one of her usual pink dresses, but she had a thick pair of leggings underneath, and a coat overtop. Her cheeks were rosy from the crisp air.
As she reached the entrance to the trailer park, she suddenly began to run. Just to occupy herself and keep her body warm. Keely was never much of a runner, but she had the build to pull it off. So she kept going, making sure to be careful and not slip on any frost. Her head still ached, and initially she was still thinking of the drugs she could take.
But then those thoughts slowly melted away. Her mind cleared, and she wasn't thinking of anything other than running without tripping or getting in anyone's way. She felt free and energized and powerful.
Finally, she couldn't run any longer. Keely stopped, leaning against a nearby building as she tried to catch her breath. She had never been one for physical activity, so it was foreign to her buzzing body. For the first time — other than when she used to rely on Emi — something other than drugs made her entire body feel alive.
Apart of her felt like she defeated one of her many demons. She smiled at herself, proud of the revelation. Winter wasn't necessarily the ideal time to start running, but she didn't even care. If going for a run every day would help her conquer drugs once and for all, then she was going to become the world's best runner.
As she was embracing the moment of empowerment, she noticed someone familiar walking past. Keely tried to decide if she wanted to say something. After debating it, she parted her lips.
"Ian?" Keely stepped away from the building.
At her voice, he snapped his gaze up, taking an earbud out of one of his ears. He was dressed like usual, and he had some grocery bags in his hand. "Oh, hey, Keely."
"Hey." She greeted him right back. Keely was thinking about the night that Ian took care of her. The night that a huge part of her life was destroyed. However, in the same way, a part of her life was just born. Ian helped her in so many ways without even realizing it.
"What are you doing?" Ian asked her, genuine curiosity in his eyes. Keely wasn't quite sure how she felt about him. Sure, she was still angry with him for what he did to Emi, but she was also grateful for the effort he put into helping her when he absolutely didn't have to. He brushed her hair, told her things that he probably didn't tell most people, fed her breakfast. He was a better man than she once thought.
"Do you want to walk with me for a bit? Sometimes when someone doesn't follow me, I don't end up making it to my destination." She told him, and he was clearly not entirely sure what she meant. But he nodded anyway, because he could see that it was important to her.
"Okay." He just said.
"I'll take some of your bags, that way it's fair." She reached her hand out. He only had four bags in total, so she took two of them from him before he could tighten his grip.
"Just for the record, I am not making you do that. It's entirely of your own volition." Ian pointed out.
Keely smiled. Her nausea wasn't quite as bad as it had been since she was far more distracted, so she was able to carry herself like she always did. To hide the struggle that always seemed to be happening inside of her. It was a struggle that she wasn't sure would ever truly go away. "I know."
"I see that you're still not brushing your hair." Ian decided to say, something slightly scolding in his tone. He was talking to her like as if he was her dad or something.
"That would be a correct observation." She mimicked his accent.
He frowned. "I do not sound like that."
"Perhaps you should listen to yourself sometime." She laughed.
They didn't talk for a minute, Ian just blindly following Keely as if he trusted her with his life when they barely even knew each other. Sort of. In a sense, they knew intimate things about each other that most people didn't. In another ways, they knew next to nothing at all.
Keely decided to voice some of her thoughts. "I never would have thought that I would be so comfortable around you."
"You wouldn't be alone in that." Ian replied. "I didn't think that I would feel the same about my ex's ex."
"The world is such a disturbing place." Keely concluded.
She thought about telling him where they were headed, but it was a difficult thing to admit to. So she just kept walking beside him, swaying his groceries in front of her as she walked. The only thing she still allowed herself to take was something small for her headaches, usually Advil. It didn't do a lot, but it made her feel a bit better. Earlier she took one, and she just did her best to convince herself that was why she was starting to feel better.
Or maybe it was the company of someone else. Someone she could trust simply because they shared the same memory of her most distressing night. He was there for that, and she was forever grateful that she didn't have to go through that entirely alone.
Keely was learning little by little what it meant to be self-sufficient. There was a time before Emi was apart of her life, but that time was overshadowed with drug abuse. It was hard for her to think of an era where she was ever just herself — no reliance on anything else.
In order to make up for that, the best Keely could do was gaze upon the horizon and hope to find a place where she could maintain her sobriety. Maybe one day she would be herself enough to date, or love again. It was hard to imagine just what that would be like, and how long it would take. Years, she suspected.
What she needed to focus on was what she was going to do after high school. Originally, her plan was to follow Emi wherever she went, get a job and apartment near the college she decided to attend. Be there whenever Emi came home from a long day of classes.
What did Keely want, though?
All of her plans revolved around others to the point where she never made any for herself. Maybe she was initially just going to work at a weed shop. But she couldn't do something like that anymore, it would only cause her to regress.
The idea of having to decide freaked her out. She never planned on going to college, but maybe that would change. With what money? What grades? She didn't really have either. It was a pipe dream to think that she could even pull it off otherwise.
"Do you know what you want to go to college for?" She asked him, already knowing that he likely knew the answer.
Ian nodded. Of course it was easy for him. "I want to be a radiologist, maybe a traveling one. They make so much money, I'll never have to worry about bills—" he held up the bags in his hand "—or groceries again. Do you know what you want to be?"
"Not in the slightest." Keely sighed, wondering what someone like her could do with their life and still manage to make money. She didn't exactly set herself up for high levels of sucess, and it showed.
"You could always attend a trade school. They're cheaper and it allows you to head straight into the workforce." Ian suggested.
"Maybe that's not a bad idea. I applied to a few colleges just because I didn't know what to do, but I don't think I want to go to college." She was frustrated with herself, wishing that the answer was easy. Why couldn't she be one of those people who spent their whole childhood planning for their adulthood? It would have made everything a lot more simple if she was.
"Sometimes I wish I didn't want to go to college either." Ian shrugged. "The whole thing is farcical."
As Ian was talking, Keely began to slow down. They were about to reach the destination. Realizing that he was leaving her behind, Ian slowed as well until they stood in front of a building that had a few people smoking outside. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, this is just where I was headed. Here." She reached the bags she took from him back out, allowing him to take them once more. His eyes were wandering around the narrow building, trying to figure out what its purpose was. Then he seemed to stop altogether, because he spotted the flyer promoting exactly what it was.
"Oh." He nodded to himself, realizing why it was important that Keely didn't wander elsewhere on her way.
"It's a luxurious life." Keely deadpanned. The flyer was easy to read. It said Narcotics Anonymous Meetings, and it listed the possible hours that people met up to discuss their addictions. Keely was usually one of the youngest people there.
"Do you want me to walk you whenever you go? Just to help ensure that you are, in fact, going?" He asked her, a level of carrying on his face that made Keely smile. Ian could be sweet when he tried.
"It's alright, I don't want to bother you that often. I come here a lot." She shook her head, feeling ashamed of the truth.
"Good. It means you're turning your life around." Ian said, offering a smile in return.
"Would it be..." She trailed off, not entirely sure if it was a fair thing to ask of him. Then she cleared her throat and tried again. Keely was such a lonely person sometimes, and it was sometimes easier to digest the tainted waters of reality when someone was by her side. "Would it be okay if I only ask you to walk with me on the days where it's especially hard?"
"Of course." He told her. Keely knew that he was a busy person, and she didn't want to take away from the important things he needed to do just because she was being selfish.
"Are you sure? I know you're stressed a lot, I don't want to make that worse."
"I'm sure. It's probably for the best that I try to get out more, anyway." Ian insisted, and Keely could feel that he was being honest. So she nodded, hoping that things would work out for the both of them. "Before you go, can I braid your hair? It's driving me mad."
Keely laughed, not expecting him to say that. Still, she nodded and turned around. Ian struggled a bit with the tangles since he didn't have a brush with him, but he managed to braid it tight enough to where it was out of Keely's face. When she asked why he kept ponytail holders with him, he said that Jada insisted that it was necessary to always carry one.
As Ian began to walk back down the street, Keely watched for a moment. She thought that maybe she could find the answers to all of her questions in the way that he walked since it was so confident. She didn't find anything at all, though.
Then the meeting started, so she went inside.