35
come prima [it.] — as before
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friday night seemed to be a fever dream. everything had gone by in such an excitement-filled (and alcohol-filled) haze that made it feel too surreal. especially since it was juxtaposed against this particularly dreadful and boring sunday morning, whereby quqi was seated in front of one of the imacs in tokyo university's computer lab, painfully editing a group project video that mostly constituted of her inputted work.
it was one in the afternoon and she had somewhat completed the video when her phone (which she had placed face-down on the table) buzzed incessantly. without looking, she picked her phone up with one hand before casting a quick glance at the caller id.
it was kageyama.
without thinking, she yanked out the earpiece which she had shoved in her left ear before answering the call and bringing her phone up to her left ear. she kept her eyes trained on the computer's screen, editing the subtitles while on the phone.
"hello?"
"huan-san, it's me," kageyama spoke. his voice evoked memories from friday night, and her brain automatically replayed kageyama's interesting rendition of taylor swift's everything has changed. a laugh threatened to escape from her throat, so she bit it back down with a cough.
"what's up?" she asked, fighting back a smile that was threatening to show up on her face.
"nothing, what are you up to now?" the distant sounds of people talking in the background on kageyama's end did not go unnoticed by quqi, and judging from how low and boy-ish sounding the voices were, she guessed that they belonged to his teammates.
"i'm editing a video for my group project," she said, dragging the subtitle box across the screen.
"are you in school right now?"
"yup." she clicked the mouse.
"i'll come find you," there was a muffled 'i'll get going now' on his end (he's probably talking to his teammates, she thought) before he continued speaking into his phone, "where are you?"
"i'm in the computer lab in the education block," she replied, "take your time, there's no need to rush,. i'm still editing."
"okay," he said. there was a slight pause before he asked, "do you want to eat lunch together?"
"sure."
"i'll be there in about five minutes. see you."
he hung up, and the call went silent. she placed the phone down face-up, then resumed typing away on the keyboard as she added a new subtitle in. she was so engrossed in editing that she did not notice the door opening until she felt a presence next to her. she turned her head and met kageyama's gaze, "hey."
"hey," he said, pulling up a chair and sitting down next to her.
"gimme a second, i'm almost done," she said. she frowned as she stuck her tongue out at the corner of her mouth, carefully syncing the timing of the subtitle with the audio.
kageyama remained silent as he watched her, taking in her every feature of her face, not missing a single square centimetre. now that he was looking at her side profile, he realised that her lashes (both upper and lower lashes) were pretty long.
"done," quqi breathed out a huge sigh of satisfaction and a relieved smile spread across her face. a couple of clicks later, she saved the imovie file into her thumbdrive before reaching to the back of the macbook to eject the thumbdrive.
"do you have any particular place in mind to have lunch?" he asked as she packed up, swinging her bag off the chair and standing up.
"i'm kinda craving ramen today," she said, then her eyes lit up excitedly, like stars blinking in the night sky, "ooh, i know a good ramen place. shall we go there?"
"sure," he said, turning his head to the side to somewhat hide his now pink cheeks, all while shoving his hands into his jean pockets, "i'm good with anything."
quqi grinned as she led the way and kageyama followed her closely, walking two steps behind her. she turned around and stopped, then opened her mouth to ask him a question, "am i walking too fast?"
"no," he answered.
"then why are you walking behind me?" she raised her brow up at him and she frowned.
"no... no reason," he muttered.
she took a few steps back so that they were now standing next to each other. she looked up at him as he peered down at her with round eyes and she spoke again, "then, let's walk next to each other."
her words, while innocent in nature and were meant to be taken at face value, struck a chord within his heart. he nodded and turned his head to the side, his cheeks stained pink, "okay."
just as the pair were about to start walking again, a voice stopped them, "kage-kun!"
both heads turned to the source of the voice, spotting a very familiar brunette in the process. erika, dressed in a black bodycon and black leggings, walked up to them with a wide smile on her face.
"ah, hello, huan-senpai," she said and gave a bow. if quqi did not know better, she would have assumed that erika was genuinely an easy-going and friendly girl.
huh, she would make a great actress, quqi thought as she nodded in acknowledgement, deciding to play along with her little charade.
"are you guys going for lunch?" she asked.
"yeah," kageyama nodded, "are you on your lunch break right now, too?"
"yup!" erika looked between the soulmates and asked, "mind if i join you?"
an uneasy feeling rose in the pit of his stomach. he did know not why, but his gut feeling told him that this would simply the start to where things would begin going awry. he cast a quick glance over to quqi, who was wearing a amiable smile on her face.
"sure," quqi nodded, and kageyama stiffened, already sensing a bad premonition.
erika beamed, happy that she got to tag along with the two, "so, where are we having lunch?"
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the three of them ended up going to the same japanese restaurant to have lunch. throughout the entire journey, erika was the one doing most of the talking (well, she was talking to kageyama for most part, leaving quqi to listen to their conversation awkwardly), and suddenly, the idea of having to third-wheel a pair of childhood best friends seemed bothersome. quqi had half a mind to just come up with some sort of flimsy excuse to ditch them.
presently, the waitress was leading them to an empty table, leaving quqi with no choice but to have lunch with them. she did agree to letting erika join them and ultimately signed herself up for lunch with them. erika was first to choose a seat, so she sat on the innermost seat. quqi chose to sit on the opposite side, leaving kageyama with two choices: he would either sit next to erika or quqi. a part of him wanted to sit next to quqi (nothing ever beats sitting next to the person you like, right?), but his rationality kicked in, she might feel uncomfortable if i sat next to her.
so, he sat down beside erika.
quqi's eye twitched slightly upon seeing the two of them, but she chose to divert her attention to the oh-so-interesting menu instead of focusing on the pair of lovebirds in front of her.
"kage-kun, remember the cherry tree near the playground where we used to play when we were younger?" quqi habitually tuned into their conversation as she looked at the selection of dishes on the menu in her hands.
"yeah," kageyama hummed, flipping through his own menu, then lifting his head up to look at erika, who was looking right at him, "what about it?"
"i was just thinking about it," erika said, a wistful smile spreading across her lips, "we should go back during spring to look at the cherry blossoms!"
"yeah, we should," kageyama said slowly, cautiously looking over at quqi to watch her facial expression.
quqi's face was completely neutral and she was calmly browsing the plethora of noodles offered. upon sensing a pair of eyes on her, her eyes flitted upwards, only to lock gazes with kageyama.
"have you decided what to eat yet?" she asked coolly, placing the menu down on the table.
"yes," he nodded.
"what about you, erika?" quqi shifted her gaze over to erika, smiling as though they were simply having a friendly picnic.
"yep!" erika nodded and smiled right back.
awkwardly, kageyama pressed the buzzer at the side of the table, and a waitress walked up to the table with a notepad in hand, ready to take their orders. the trio gave their orders before she walked away, and the table fell into silence, save for quqi drinking water and the muffled conversations of the other patrons.
erika started talking again (something about how she missed her junior high days), but kageyama was barely paying attention. his attention was focused on the girl sitting opposite him by watching her out of the corner of his eye. she had just retrieved her phone out of her pocket and had begun tapping away on it, as if this entire lunch date bored her out of her skull (which did to a certain degree).
"what about you, senpai?" erika's voice caused quqi to look up from her phone, and kageyama quickly darted his eyes away in case they met each other's eyes, "do you have any interesting junior high stories?"
there was a slight tentative pause, as if quqi was weighing whether or not she should join in on the conversation. she decided to do so by replying, "not really. i didn't have the leisure to go out and explore my surroundings back then. it was mostly studying and practicing the harp."
"were you the studious type?" it was then kageyama's turn to speak, looking at her straight in the eyes now.
"not exactly," quqi said, "i studied to get decent grades, i guess, but they were mostly passing ones. nothing fantastic, actually."
"but you did that while juggling four instruments, didn't you?" kageyama frowned. he was not angry, just very focused on her and highly engrossed in the topic of quqi's junior high days. he wondered, if they had met back then, would they have been friends at least?
"oh, back then, i didn't play the viola yet," quqi shook her head, "so it was just three instruments."
"that's still very impressive." quqi could pretty much see the stars of admiration twinkling in kageyama's eyes as he talked.
she paused as both of them looked into each other's eyes seriously, then she smiled as she picked up her glass of water up, "thank you."
erika frowned. she did not like where this conversation was going, so she had to turn the tide to herself now. she smiled as she turned to kageyama, "so, kage-kun, regarding that cherry blossom tree, let's go back in the spring together to see it."
she quickly turned to quqi as to not blow her cover, "you should come and see it too, senpai! it's really pretty. kage-kun and i visit it every spring, though i keep telling him he should really visit it with his girlfriend instead of me, but he never listens." she laughed and wrapped an arm around kageyama, "geez, when will you stop hanging around me so much?"
kageyama opened his mouth, quick to retort so that quqi would not get the wrong idea about him and the relationship he shared with erika, "i—"
"sorry for the wait!" the waitress reappeared with their three bowls of ramen, piping hot to the point you could see steam roll out from the top of the fresh noodles. the trio claimed their respective orders before the waitress left.
"itadakimasu," kageyama and erika said in unison, then erika turned to kageyama with wide eyes, "jinx!"
kageyama shook his head and looked over at quqi, who had just finished saying her prayers. she picked up a pair of chopsticks and began to eat, not uttering a single word, closing the entire conversation that they were having before.
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after lunch was concluded, the trio walked out of the restaurant and out to the open. the afternoon sun was not punishing, considering how the cold december air cooled its warm rays down. kageyama looked over at quqi, who was standing quite a good distance away from both him and erika. now, he felt a familiar sense of déjà vu, like the time he had complimented quqi during class a while back.
"your majesty, are you retiring to your chambers?" the woman next to him asked. kageyama frowned, taking in her features which were almost identical to erika's, save for the brown hair and emerald eyes.
misato looked between him and the woman, an indescribable look in her eyes. however, that only lasted for a fleeting moment: she blinked and a hospitable smile was already in place as she nodded, "yes. i do feel quite fatigued these few days. not to mention—" — her smile seemingly grew wider as she continued — "you two seem to have quite a lot to chat about. it would be better if i left the both of you to converse more comfortably amongst yourselves."
before kageyama could even say anything, misato gave a quick bow and turned around, walking away from the both of them. as they watched her walk into the distance, the woman spoke, "your majesty, have you ever considered taking in a concubine?"
kageyama's brows shot up as he turned to look at the woman. that suggestion was beyond preposterous, how could a mere outsider comment on the royal family's matters? whether or not he wanted to bring in a concubine was a discussion only to be discussed between him and the queen dowager, not him and some... stranger. though, could he really call her a stranger? this green-eyed woman had a sense of familiarity to her, as though he had known her for a very long time.
"why would i need to take in a concubine?" he asked, eyeing the woman suspiciously and thought, what's her motive for bringing this topic up?
she looked at him with such a look as though he had sprouted a pair of horns on his head, "because you don't love her majesty. why else do you think that i would suggest so?"
he froze, locking eyes with her. how could she make such an assumption? he loved the queen very much, and he had never loved someone this much before. how could this strange woman belittle the emotions he held for the woman he held dear to his heart?
the said strange woman continued talking as she walked ahead, as if she did not notice the look he had given her, "don't you find it lonely to be married to someone whom you do not even love? i know that you are only married to her majesty for political reasons, so there is no way you can possibly call off your marriage. however, you can still take in a concubine, and make the woman you love just that."
"what do you mean?" his confusion was growing by the second. he had no idea what she was talking about. 'the woman you love'? he already had one, and she was misato, his beloved queen, herself.
the woman turned around and met his gaze with a firm one, "i am proposing to you to make me your concubine."
he nearly choked on his spit upon hearing her bold suggestion, what did she just say?!
"remember how we promised to get married when we were younger?" her gaze softened as she recalled the pleasant childhood memories that the both of them shared, "you said that you would make me your wife." she frowned, then continued, "though, that would be impossible now that you're a married man. however, i don't mind being a concubine!"
he frowned, the creases between his brows deepening, "i will pretend that i did not hear what you have just said."
shock spread across her face, as if what he had just said was truly preposterous, "your majesty, how could you just say that and invalidate your promise?"
"we were simply children back then, kimiko," he said in a matter-of-fact tone, "and we were simply playing around."
"i didn't think of it as just part of a game," kimiko said, looking at him with tears in her eyes, "i genuinely believed every word you said, your majesty."
she took our silly promise seriously? he was shocked, wondering what else he could say to her.
"i love you, your majesty," she confessed, her lower lip quivering as she spilled her innermost and deepest feelings, "do you not share the same feelings that i hold?"
i never knew, surprise filled every vein in his body as he kept his gaze on her.
after what seemed like a long pause, he said softly, "i apologise, kimiko, but i do not share the same feelings that you do. i..." — he took a breath to strengthen his resolve to come clean with her — "i have another woman whom i hold dear to my heart."
kimiko's eyes widened and her tears finally started to flow, dripping down her cheeks steadily like a cascading waterfall.
"was there... was there never a moment whereby you had such affection towards me?" she asked in a shaky voice, searching his eyes for some sort of validation to ground herself.
she could see one emotion in his eyes: pity. she never wanted to see that; she wanted to see the soft and gentle look in his eyes when it came to her. she wanted to be that special woman whom he had mentioned.
"i'm sorry," was all he could offer.
he walked past her, never looking back even once, "let us pretend that this conversation had never happened."
"senpai, are you going back home?" erika spoke, pulling kageyama out of his trance.
he nervously panned his gaze over to quqi, please don't leave-
quqi looked between him and erika, noting how erika was standing next to him at such a close proximity. if any nosy passerby had stood there to give their comments, they would have guessed that their relationship was more than that of friends.
he watched as she smiled and nodded, "yep, i have a group project to finish and submit next week. also—" — she pointed at the two of them, her finger darting back and forth between them — "you guys seem to have quite a bit to catch up on, so i'll just leave you two to it."
his eyes widened in horror, it's playing out exactly as it did before.
he watched as she and erika exchanged goodbyes before she turned to him and said goodbye to him before turning around and walking away, her figure disappearing down the street.
once her figure had been reduced to a tiny speck in the distance, erika spoke, "let's walk."
"sure," he agreed, and so they began to walk mindlessly along the streets, taking in the chatter of people around them and the scents of food wafting out of restaurants. kageyama watched as his breaths turned into smoke in the air, hoping that she would not say anything similar to what that woman — kimiko — had said.
"kage-kun," erika piped up, "if you had a girlfriend, would you bring her to see that cherry tree back home?"
"maybe?" kageyama replied, but his response came out sounding a little unsure, "but i'll probably bring her to another cherry tree so that it'll be a special tree for her and me."
"so, you think that our cherry tree is special?" erika stopped in her tracks, turning around to face him.
he stopped walking as well, and he met her gaze. he realised now that her face was almost unreadable, and he was not sure what she was going to say next.
"i mean, that's the cherry tree that we've sat under ever since we were kids," he said slowly, explaining his thoughts rationally, "she might take it the wrong way, you know."
"but what if i were your girlfriend?" she asked, causing his eyes to widen, "would you still bring me to a different tree?"
"why... why would you be my girlfriend?" he frowned, eyeing her expressions slowly.
she pouted, "what do you mean, why? do you seriously not know?"
confusion filled his body, "what don't i know?"
she looked at him with widened eyes, mirroring kimiko's exact expression, "are you serious?"
there was nothing but a silent response as he stared back at her, waiting for her to explain her words to him. she realised that he was not joking, then sighed and took a breath, steadying herself before she finally said, "i love you, tobio."
this has to be coincidental... right? he asked, "you don't really mean it, do you?"
she frowned, "i meant every word i said, tobio."
his eyes remained widened and rounded and he blinked at her owlishly, trying to process everything he had just heard within the past minute. it's exactly the same as that vision.
finally, he gained his composure and said, "i'm sorry, erika, but i'm in love with someone else."
tears began to trickle from her hazel eyes down her cheeks. though she had seen this response coming, it still hurt nonetheless.
she asked in a soft voice, "have you... have you never held such feelings for me before?"
just like those hundreds of years ago, kageyama could only show her the exact expression that he had showed kimiko during his life as akihiko: pity. unbeknownst to him, that was the last expression that erika wanted to see on his face. she wanted to see the gentle look of love that she had so craved for ever since she was young. she wanted to be that special someone whom he loved.
"i'm sorry," the words that left his lips hit the final nail in the coffin, and she knew that it was all over. there was no way she could continue being affectionate with him under the guise of his childhood friend.
he turned around so that his back was now facing her, "let's pretend that we didn't talk about this."
no, erika wanted to say, please tell me that it's all a lie.
however, with the way he walked away from her, his figure getting further and further away from her, just like their closeness of their long-term friendship, she knew that this unforgettable scene would forever be etched in her memory for a long time to come.