(TW: suicide and its detailed description, very heavy chapter ahead, please, read at your own risk)
Jisung was going down the hall, tightly grabbing all of his books. He felt very tired and exhausted because the last few days, he spent his nights working on a literature project. Many sleepless nights just to perfect his already perfect (though he wouldn't admit that) work. All of his fatigue vanished once he saw his friends waiting for him at the end of the corridor, large smiles on their faces. Just catching a glimpse of them made the boy feel happier and suddenly full of energy. He smiled back at them and made his way towards them. Once he stood in front of them, both of the boys gave him a hug which he returned with no problems or hesitation.
Felix shortly started rambling about one of their classes as they made their way toward the cafeteria. Jisung was unconsciously looking around him, ad if trying to look for something. He shook his head and just enjoyed being with his best friends, the paranoia momentarily leaving his mind. Just hearing them laugh, the cheerful giggles that escaped their mouths put a big fatherly smile on his face. They sat on their regular spot in the cafeteria while Jeongin went to get their lunches. It was their daily routine where every day one of the boys would go and grab lunch for the three of them and the next day it would be someone else.
"How was the math class?" Felix asked Jisung, knowing very well that the older boy didn't really like that class because the teacher made it very difficult for him but he always tried his best so the freckled boy was very proud of him for at least trying to pay attention in the class and be as good as he could be. It seemed to work because even though Jisung hated that class with his whole heart, he still managed to be one of the top students. And that was something both of the younger boys of the trio admired.
"Boring, as usual," the brunette boy said nonchalantly as he started digging in his food which look nothing like food. Felix pouted, hoping that someday his best friend would enjoy those classes instead of simply beating himself up to attend them and be there at least physically.
"I was wondering if I could stop by your house today if that's okay with you?" The blonde boy asked as he gave his best friend a hopeful look. It's been a while since he stopped by because he's been insanely busy with his preparations for finals that took place a few days ago. Jisung nodded, as he dug in his lunch yet again. He wasn't really aware of what was asked because he was suddenly pretty much absent-minded and did not even pay attention to what was on his plate. So it basically went in one ear and out the other. Felix happily smiled and cutely clapped as he started eating his food as well, praising the youngest of them for how well he was eating here and there and Jisung couldn't do anything but admire them from afar.
The day was slowly coming to an end, the three of them did not share any of their upcoming classes together, so Jisung texted them that after the bell rings, he has to go home quickly to take care of some things. All of them sent him a cute thumbs-up emoji before going offline. Jisung sighed, rubbing his eyes as he jumped on his bicycle and fastly rode home, not once looking back.
The school uniform was suffocating him. The tie was tied very tightly and he was anticipating his arrival at home, so he could quickly take it off and wash his face with ice-cold water.
Once he arrived at their driveway, he did not even bother putting his precious bike into the garage, so he left it on the spot where he stopped, not even noticing the mark the rubber wheels left on the concrete from his abrupt stop. Taking a deep breath, he opened the front door, just to be met with his mother. He kindly smiled at her before engulfing her in a big hug.
"Hi, my love," she greeted him while rubbing his back gently and Jisung almost teared up upon the gesture even though he was so used to it. It was just different — today was not the right day. "How was your day?"
Jisung smiled, "It was good but kinda boring. Just the usual,"
His mom laughed before ruffling his hair. "I will prepare the nicest dinner tonight, to celebrate your successful finals!"
Jisung smiled before kissing her on the cheek and assuring her that every dinner she makes is the most delicious one he has ever eaten. After their small talk, Jisung climbs the stairs carefully, a smile still evident on his lips. Stepping into his room and closing the door behind him, he could finally show his true miserable feelings. His smile fell and he slid down the door, finally losing the tie around his neck that almost cut off his blood circulation. With trembling hands, he unbuttoned the first two buttons on his shirt, feeling a bit better as he felt the oxygen fill his lungs.
But there was no going back anymore. He has set his mind on this a few months ago and he was determined to finally be freed of all of his pain and suffering.
He was not expecting anyone to understand. Not even his family or friends. Why? Because it was unorthodox, unusual, odd or however you want to call it. He had everything anyone could wish for—a loving family that was always there for him and always offered their warm hugs when he needed them the most. Amazing friends that were the only people he could trust with his darkest secrets and small, unimportant crushes he had once in a while. But that's not all, he had great grades, a perfect relationship with almost all his teachers and a roof above his head, warm food to eat whenever he came home and his stomach growls could be heard even from miles away. This would have been considered being rich in many aspects by various people. But Jisung was not happy at all. He tried. He tried to be happy — for his mom, dad, Jeongin and Felix. But he just couldn't. No matter what he did to try to convince himself, he always failed. There was this empty void no one was able to fill and he just felt constant pain. The selfishness he thought his mind was full of pained him even more.
He quickly hid in his bathroom, not forgetting to lock the door, fearing he would be interrupted and never get the courage and space to do this ever again. He wanted to be free— like a bird flawlessly drifting in the sky, worry-free. Call him selfish but during that moment, his freedom was the only thing he saw as he grabbed the knife he kept in the drawer under the sink.
What am I even doing, he thought to himself as he looked down at his hands that were tightly gripping the knife. Han Jisung, you aren't going to chicken out of this. Be a man for once.
He pressed his eyes together while biting his lips to prevent sobs from coming out of his mouth, fearing this would bring him unnecessary attention. Hot tears were leaving his eyes like waterfalls, the sparkle in his eyes has vanished for a few years now. Recollecting all the memories he has made with the people he was the closest with, he realised that he probably does not belong in this world — between those people, no matter how much he loved them and wanted to protect them. There was this voice in his head telling him that better things are waiting for him on the other end.
Jisung sat on the closed toilet lid, bringing up his left hand and placing it on his shaking thighs. He pressed the knife against his slim wrist, deeply inhaling before sliding the knife vertically across his arm, hoping to cut his radial artery. It felt like hours before Jisung saw bright red blood spurting out of his wrist when in reality, it happened in a matter of seconds. He let out an inaudible gasp as he felt a sharp pain shoot through his body. That pain quickly turn into satisfaction as it was the only thing he could focus on at the moment. None of his problems and battles occupied his mind anymore.
He started to feel dizzy and during that moment, he started to doubt the whole situation. Will it even work? he thought to himself as he slowly brought the knife to his chest, his wounded hand still resting on his thighs. Jisung shakily lifted his shirt that was now stained with blood and counted his ribs from the bottom — 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. He stopped at around the sixth and seventh rib, knowing that the base of his heart was located in between those two.
Bringing the knife to that location, he felt even more hot tears streaming down his face, eventually falling onto his wound. He bit his lip again and looked at the mirror that was above the sink, directly in front of the toilet he was sitting on. He looked so miserable. He had to look away because staring at his pathetic face was the last thing he wanted to do at this moment — his last moment.
"I am so so sorry, mom," he sobbed out in a quiet voice as he pressed the knife against the skin where the intercostal space muscles were and without further ado, he stabbed himself with such a force he would have never thought he had in himself. This time, a loud gasp escaped his mouth as he fell to the ground with a loud thud, trying to catch a breath.
His mom, who was currently in the kitchen taking out a cheesecake from the fridge so she could prepare it as a dessert for their dinner, heard the loud thud from upstairs.
"Woah, he's so clumsy," she laughed as she thought her son must've dropped something again, just like he usually would. "Are you okay there, Jisungie?"
With no answer, she shook his head as she chuckled lightly. She cleaned her dirty hands with the handkerchief that she always carried around and decided to check up on her son herself. Climbing up the fourteen stairs that were separating the lower and upper floor, she knocked on the door to Jisung's room. When she did not hear any answer, she stepped in just to find the room empty. She figured out that he must be in the bathroom but there was this weird feeling in her heart she suddenly felt. Like a maternal instinct — the need to protect her child even though it might have been just a minor thing.
She did not hear any water running, so he probably wasn't showering. Knocking on the door, Mrs Han waited for an answer that she never got.
"You okay there, buddy?" she knocked once more. She was hundred percent sure that her son was still upstairs and did not leave the house, even though it was dead quiet in the bathroom and he was nowhere to be seen.
There was a sudden fear she felt, sensing that Jisung must have hurt himself. Probably slipping when getting out of the shower.
She took the doorknob, twisting it a few times, realising it was locked. She frowned because Jisung never did this, he would never lock himself up in the bathroom because of these exact reasons. His father once slipped in the bathroom while it was locked and even the paramedics had problems getting through the door once Mrs Han called the ambulance, so they decided to not do this because of what might happen.
She twisted the doorknob a few more times, before banging on the door, her heart pounding against her ribcage at a pace just like a hummingbird's wings swung around. Her eyes were frantically looking around the room, as she continued banging on the door. There must have been a spare key somewhere. She started looking around everywhere and anywhere she could while still keeping in mind to respect her son's privacy. She opened the drawer next to her door, seeing his diary there. She put it aside and right under it, there was a key.
With trembling hands, she inserted the key into the keyhole, twisting the doorknob again but it wouldn't budge. She started to get really worried so while using all of her strength and still twisting the doorknob, her shoulder collided with the door in an attempt to break it down. It was unsuccessful, so she took out her phone and immediately dialled 119.
"Hello, this is Han Jikyung speaking. I am very worried for my son, he's locked in the bathroom and he is unresponsive. I am scared something might have happened to him there. C-Could you, please, come as soon as possible?"
The dispatcher asked for her address and immediately sent paramedics that were closest to her location.
"How old is your son, ma'am? Does he have any medical problems that would mean he's taking prescribed medicine?"
Mrs Han could feel tears in her eyes as she tried to break down the door one more time before she heard the dispatcher's voice again.
"He's only 17," she sobbed, "And no, he doesn't take any medications nor is being treated for anything."
The dispatcher asked a few more questions before telling her that the ambulance was a few minutes away. Then they hung up, saving a number they could call in case they needed more information.
Jisung's mom was now a crying mess as she tried to break down the door once more, this time being successful.
And the scene in front of her broke her heart into million pieces. She was horrified upon seeing the bloody room and her pale son lying in the middle of this whole mess. Letting out the loudest scream, she ran to him and dropped to her knees, immediately pulling her son into her embrace. Tears were falling down her cheeks as he caressed her son's own, looking at his already pale lips and half-closed eyes that were absently staring in front of him. As if he was looking at her but at the same was looking very, very far ahead — as if his eyes were scanning something behind her.
"It'll be okay, baby...," she cried, wiping away the boy's bangs so she could see his eyes better, kissing his forehead in the process. "Everything will be okay. Who did this to you, baby ..."
She knew that Jisung was the one that did this but it pained her just thinking about it. She tried to convince her that it was not her son's doing and that there was someone out there responsible for this — her mind wasn't able to properly comprehend what had truly happened.
Her crying momentarily stopped once she heard a faint voice, calling her, "F-Felix, mommy ... Felix."
"What do you mean?" she asked frantic, not really understanding why would Jisung call his best friend's name. She caressed the boy's cheeks again, looking deeply into his eyes. "What's wrong with Felix?"
"He's coming over ..." he let out quietly before his eyes closed. His mom couldn't even register it properly before she was taken away by the paramedics that had to do their job. She clasped her hand over her mouth once she saw them providing him first aid and calling the police for further investigation. She watched them try to stop his bleeding, taking care of his wounds. One of the paramedics pulled her out of the bathroom and when she turned around, she saw Felix.
The blonde boy was standing in Jisung's room. His eyes looking at the scene taking place in the bathroom. Their eyes met and she immediately ran up to him as they exchanged hugs and cried into each other's shoulders. The paramedic led them outside, where the police were already standing. Many of them stepped into the house while the others went up to Jisung's mom, asking her numerous questions. She explained the situation not only to them but to Felix as well.
Many nosy neighbours were standing on their porches and driveways, watching what was happening in front of the Han family's house.
When the paramedics came out of the house, a body covered in a black body bag, she knew the worse had just happened. She fell onto her knees on the hard concrete, scratching her knees in the process but that pain was nowhere near the one she was currently feeling in her poor heart. Screaming her heart out as tears began to fall down her eyes again. Felix dropped next to her, immediately hugging her as he gave out a similar reaction as her.
And during that moment, the neighbours knew. They knew what happened by only hearing the ear-piercing scream.
Because there isn't a more hurtful scream than the one that came out of a mother that just lost her beloved child.