Being in love with your best friend sucked.
It wasn't just the conversations that were once easy suddenly becoming awkward, or the physical affection that used to not be a big deal feeling like so much more, or even the joke-flirting that Augustus was starting to wish wasn't a joke. Oh, no, you had to be rudely reminded that you were not asexual and therefore any romantic attraction usually came with physical attraction—which meant you had dreams that you did not want. At all.
"Why couldn't they train the allosexual students to control their horniness in Undercover Training class?" Augustus mumbled aloud, sitting up and rubbing his good eye. "Isn't that what spies are supposed to be able to do?"
His reflection stared back at him in the mirror across from his bed—shirtless, without sunglasses, and hair now officially shoulder-length. He was finally starting to understand why his mom told him to have it cut every week back when he was at the Academy.
Augustus looked over at the time and let out a loud groan. 4:45 am. Jesus.
"Well, there's no point going back to sleep now," he decided, swinging his feet out of bed. "Fuckin' hell... god, I've never gotten up this early in my life, I swear to Kurt Cobain..."
Yawning, he pulled on a pair of pants and a plain black shirt, feeling like absolute shit. Not bothering to put on socks or shoes, he opened the door to his room and started to trudge down to the bathroom.
"Everything sucks / And I hate it," Augustus sung under his breath to the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit." "Fuck my life now / 'Cause it's hell / I'm so stupid / Fucking dumbass / And my subconcious / Is messed up..."
He switched on the light in the bathroom—which wasn't as painful as it used to be, so, another bonus for being half blind—and flipped his reflection off. "You horny motherfucker."
Once his anger at himself wore off, Augustus realized that he was almost unrecognizable compared to just a year ago. It wasn't just the hair, or the slashed-out eye, or the fact that—yikes—he actually had stubble, it was the look on his face. He used to always be confident, always have that swagger, knowing that he was the golden son, the fiercest fighter in the Circle at his age, the ultimate spy. And now, well...
He was a piece of shit. And he felt like it.
True, it's not like he never felt a little bit of guilt, but he'd told himself it was just him being a coward. If you were a Griffins, you were ruthless, and Macklemores never hesitated.
But what if you were neither?
Augustus summoned a small burst of flame into his hand, preparing himself for a bad flashback. Instead, what came was... different.
"Really, I'm very excited to be working with you," Janus said, following Augustus down the hall. "I've read up on your family a little, and the stuff your relatives have done is incredible. Seriously. I wish I had your powers."
No, you don't, Augustus thought, but gave the brat a smile anyway. "I dunno, Jannie. Your powers aren't that shabby."
Janus lit up. "You really think so?"
"Yeah. Your boyfriend told me you can pretty much flip off physics with your shapeshifting stuff."
The kid blushed. "Oh—well, Remus is always complimenting me, and he tends to go overboard—you were his roommate, you know how he is."
"I do." Augustus gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder—overdoing it a little, but the more the merrier if he wanted Janus to trust him. "You're a lucky guy, Jannie."
"Don't I know it," Janus murmured.
Augustus closed his fist, extinguishing the flame.
He and Remus were friends once. He'd almost forgotten.
And Janus... Janus looked up to him, didn't he? Before he ruined it?
"Goddamnit," he grumbled, raking a hand through his hair. "My brain is just really fuckin' dedicated to reminding me that I'm an asshole, huh?"
Figuring that there was no sense dwelling on it now, Augustus reached into one of the drawers and pulled out a razor and shaving cream. Here goes nothing.
...................
"So, the first thing you did after you woke up at four forty-five in the morning was attempt to shave?" Ian said, putting a band-aid onto Augustus's face. "Just when I think you're smart, this happens."
"I cut myself once, give me slack," Augustus snapped. "And I've never had to shave before."
"Well, be thankful that your peach fuzz has finally matured." Ian gave him a pat on the shoulder. "It's matching your personality."
Augustus gave him a tired look. "Dude. Cool it on the jabs."
"How is that a jab? Is it a new American thing to take any compliment as an insult?"
"Jesus—" Augustus rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Frosty, don't do the thing, you've been living here for over half your life—"
"I can't even with you Americans," Ian sighed, holding up a hand. "You are so confusing. Nothing you do or say makes any sense."
"Frosty, I'm literally gonna burn your entire collection of sleeveless shirts."
Ian wiggled his eyebrows, smirking. "Ah, trying to get me naked, I see."
Augustus briefly contemplated burning him alive, then decided against it for obvious reasons. "I can assure you, that's the last thing on my mind."
"You sound so badass when you talk serious and formal, you know?" Ian told him, tucking Augustus's mane of auburn waves behind his ears. "You've got a tough-guy voice. Like Batman."
"Don't compare me to a DC dude."
"You've got a tough-guy voice like Venom," Ian amended.
Augustus started to say something, then shrugged. "Yeah, okay, I'll take it. Venom's cool."
"Venom is always cool. That's a fact."
"I'd love to continue to rate Marvel characters with you, Genderbent Yelena, but we got a Circle meeting to go to," Augustus reminded him, getting up. "And I might have an email to write."
Ian blinked. "I don't—is that—I'm Icelandic, not Russian—I mean, personality-wise, yes, but—" He shook his head. "Okay, forget that. Did you see all those videos of the last attempt?"
Augustus laughed. "Oh, yeah, that was the most badass thing I've ever seen those guys do. Kinda grateful that the little scarecrow guy didn't break out that spider demon on me, because that thing gave me nightmares."
"His name is Virgil."
"Really? Huh." Augustus considered this. "Guess I forgot."
Ian rubbed the bridge of his nose. "How the fuck do you forget a name like 'Virgil,' Gusty?"
"I interacted with him, uh, maybe twice, so I don't really know the kid well. The most I remember is the fact that he missed the memo about 'emo' dying in the 2000s."
"Well, you missed the memo that punk has been dead since the 90's, so." Ian stood up. "And you're right, we should go to that meeting. I don't fancy having to slit my own throat."
"See, you make fun of me when I talk all formal, and then you use phrases like 'I don't fancy—'"
"All right, that is an impression of Loki, not an impression of me."
Augustus grinned. "Good Marvel character."
"Okay, if you want to talk about good Marvel characters, I will go on for days about Kate Bishop—" Ian started.
........................
"And that is why Kate is the superior Hawkeye," he finished.
Augustus checked his phone. "Okay, not even close to days, but that was still impressive."
"Ah, don't mention it. I don't get to go on happy rants often." Ian stretched with a smile. "I feel a lot better these days."
"Well, keep that good mood up. I'm pretty sure the Circle meeting is gonna wreck it."
Ian clicked his tongue, reaching for the doorknob. "Such a pessimist. There is nothing right now that can spoil my good mood, I assure you—"
Augustus heard voices and yanked him back. "Wait."
"What? We're supposed to go."
"Just—just listen. I have a bad feeling."
The two of them went quiet, the sounds of the meeting inside coming through the doors.
"This is a baseless accusation," Stefan was arguing. "You're just overreacting due to a coincidence—"
"Once is a coincidence," Augustina retorted. "Twice is foul play. Someone is warning those Academy brats, and that someone needs to pay."
"But you have no proof that the double agent is our son!" Erla protested.
Augustus felt Ian stiffen beside him as his heart picked up speed. Shit.
"I'm sorry that you're too blinded by parental affection to see it, but Ian has always been the member who hesitates, and he's always been reluctant to do anything," Augustina said. "He is the most likely candidate. That's all there is to it."
"Oh, for the love of God, Mackelmore," Julieta groaned. "You have your powers. Just get all of the members who are in the inner circle, get them to tell the truth, and ask them if they're the turncoat."
"Julieta—" Augustina started.
"No, sweetie, I want to know," she interrupted. "Do you have an ounce of common sense in you, or are you so cracked in the head that—"
Screaming, crashing, loud swearing, and frantic prayers in several different languages followed that comment. Under normal circumstances, Augustus and Ian would've busted out laughing at that, but all it did was just dampen the fear.
"Let's go," Augustus hissed, grabbing Ian's arm and dragging him down the hall as fast as he could.
When they finally got to his room, Augustus slammed the door behind him and let out a scream.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod," Ian whispered, looking more frantic than Augustus had ever seen him. "This is the worst thing. This is bad. I'm going to throw up. Oh my god. Holy shit—" He started to slip into Icelandic.
"Frosty. Hey. Look at me." Augustus turned around and grabbed Ian by the shoulders. "You are going to be fine."
"No, I am fucking not, because she knows and she thinks it's me and the only way to fix this is..." Ian trailed off, horror spreading across his face. "No."
"We both knew that she was going to catch on eventually, and we don't have a way out of here," Augustus reminded him. "Besides, if she takes Julieta's suggestion, you don't have the option of covering for me."
"But we do have a way out of here!" Ian protested. "You can just send an email to Emile, only not anonymous! Tell him that we need help! Just—"
Augustus shook his head. "They'll help you, but they will never in a million years help me. Not after everything."
"You've been helping them, though!" he cried. "They might return the favor!"
"No, they still see me as the cocky asshole with no regard for anyone's feelings who would do anything if it meant he got what he wanted. Nobody in their right minds would help someone like that."
"You're doing nothing except looking at the worst-case scenario here! Even taking a chance at that is better than just handing yourself over to a madwoman!"
"A madwoman who I know how to handle!"
"No, you don't, otherwise you would have two working eyes!"
"I've learned!" Augustus shot. "Why are you acting so fucking stubborn—"
"SHE WILL KILL YOU, AUGUSTUS!" Ian exploded. "This isn't just another 'Auggie got into trouble with Mommy' case! She's not going to go easy on you just because you're the only heir! You think her cutting out your eye because you couldn't stop Janus getting away was the worst thing that ever happened? You've been deliberately sabotaging the Circle—she will kill you for that! Do you understand me?!"
Augustus tried to respond, but he couldn't find the words.
"Is that what you want?" Ian shouted, stabbing his finger at him. "Do you want to throw everything you've been working towards away? Do you want to let her win over you again?" His voice cracked as tears started to fill his eyes. "Do you want to break my heart?"
"I..." Augustus managed, his brain latching onto those last three words. "What?"
Ian wiped his face, shaking his head back and forth. "You're so stupid, Gusty. You always have been, and it makes it so damn hard to love you. And for five years, it hurt even more, because I was in love with someone who didn't exist anymore, and now he's back, but he's different and even more wonderful, and I can't fucking lose him—"
Augustus's breath caught. "You... you love me?"
Ian let out a choked laugh. "I've literally been calling you my beloved, Gusty. And yes, I called you that all the time when we were young, but I stopped when I realized it was only something you called your partner. Yes, you idiot, I love you. More than literally anything."
Processing... processing...
"And I guess if there's any time to tell your best friend that you're in love with him," Ian continued, scratching the back of his neck, "it's when he's about to throw his whole life awa—"
Augustus put his hands on Ian's shoulders again. "Frosty?"
"Hmmm?"
"I'm going to kiss you right now."
Ian let out a small gasp, grey eyes widening. "Oh... okay."
He pulled him in.
In any book Augustus ever read (which wasn't many), the male protagonist had usually kissed someone before, and had something to compare the kiss they were sharing with their love interest. But this wasn't a book, Augustus wasn't the protagonist, Ian was the only person he'd ever kissed—and the only person he'd ever wanted to.
And as far as first kisses went... solid 9 outta 10. One point taken away due to circumstances.
When they finally broke away, Augustus managed a smile. "Hey. I'll be okay."
"No, you won't," Ian mumbled.
"Yes, I will." Augustus pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Take care of yourself. I love you back."
Ian hugged him and held him tight. "If you die, I'll kill you."
"No, you won't."
A/N: *blows one of those party things* HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE HAVE SOME ANGST
Man, I dunno if you could tell, but I am in a great mood. I got a D&D module, I got a new Shakespeare shirt that's chock-full of quality insults, and I am getting my ears pierced in January. This is major, y'all. Absolutely major.
But, I know that's not enough to cheer you up, so have a seasonal Calvin Candid:
Every year, we find him sitting on a present looking adorable. And every year, he ends up moving before I can get a high-quality picture... though he was kind enough to sit still for this one.
Anyways, happy holidays, and don't kill me when I upload the next one.