Christmas
It feels likes an end of a chapter for me. Christmas wasnt exciting this year and it hurts. I miss the buzz of magic you got when you were little. That feeling of 'omg santa! Omg presents!' Where you can barely fall asleep from excitement but when you do it's the deepest and warmest and coziest sleep ever. You wake up and bound down to your parents room screaming santas here santas here! You go look to see the presents under the tree and a wave of happiness and excitement overtakes you. Its wonderful and magical. I miss it so so much. I didnt feel like that this year. Sure I woke up at 4 30 and couldnt get back to sleep because of a wierd feeling in my tummy. Was it excitement? If it was I didnt recognize it. And I'm not being ungrateful, hell I'm so grateful of everything that I got this year but idk something just isnt clicking or feeling the Same as before yk. Like my brothers happy my parents are happy and im secretly sulking for what? I'm just scared for next year what if I don't feel excited anymore! What If Christmas doesn't feel the same anymore?
I can't go back and experience the magic and excitement again and it hurts so bad. God I hate my fucking brain why cant i be normal. Why do i have to suffer through all the overthinking and anxiety and depression. God i don't want to relapse back into depression because of CHRISTMAS for god sake. If your reading this and you felt the same let me know in the comments cause god I just want to not feel like its my fault for feeling this way. I wonder what this new chapter will bring for me? Happiness or sadness....