Once again, I didn't proofread this. It is too long to go back and read through and I just want to upload it right away. So please tell me if there are any mistakes that I need to correct! I will really appreciate it.
June 12, 2014
When Taylor's eyes pop open, she is instantly excited. She doesn't think she has ever genuinely woken up excited before, not like this. She didn't even need to spend any time really waking up and thinking about her day, she truly woke up already excited. Tonight was the very last night of the Red Tour, and her last day away from Karlie. Tomorrow they would be reunited after an incredibly long and hard month apart.
The blonde singer sits up in bed and stretches her arms far over her head releasing a yawn. Glancing at her phone she sees that it is 8 in the morning. She usually never wakes up so early on tour, often exhausted after performing. She is a little upset that she wasn't able to sleep in as usual because she already knew the day was going to drag by as she counted down the hours until seeing Karlie again.
They haven't spoken since their last late night phone call, but Taylor considered it their sort of cheat night. They both planned on taking some time apart and thinking about everything, but eventually both of them couldn't bare going without each other for so long. But now, finally, the drought was over.
Taylor slides open her lock screen and blushes seeing the last Safari page that she had open. She had sunken low enough to go on YouTube and look up 'Karlie Kloss interviews.' As embarrassing as it was, it actually provided a temporary solution to a lot of the longing Taylor felt. She was never going to let Karlie know that though.
Taylor glances at the time once more and has no idea how she is going to spend the extra hours of her morning that she wasn't expecting to have. Not so shamelessly, Taylor decides to type in 'Karlie Kloss' to her search bar once more and see what she has been up to. At this rate I should just set a Google alert.
The headline she sees makes her heart drop into her stomach. She is dumbfounded staring at the title. It can't be right. Should she click on it? Is that tiny square image a picture? Taylor clicks to see what 'Cara Delevingne Gets By With A Little Kiss From Karlie Kloss!' is all about. The instant the page loads is the instant Taylor regrets ever googling Karlie's name. It hurts her to look, but it is impossible to look away.
There is no doubt about it, Karlie and Cara are kissing, wide open in the middle of the street, for anyone to see. Taylor's eyes instantly fill with tears. What the hell is going on? She could deal with Josh, she was used to dealing with him. She knew how to avoid things she didn't want to see or hear about regarding their relationship as well. But this..what was this? What was she looking at? What has been going on in New York City since she left?
She can't help but think about how little she knew of what Karlie has been doing this month, and how distant the model has been. Of course she is distant, I was a huge bitch last time I saw her. But what was going on here with Cara and Karlie? Taylor knew that Cara was no stranger to kissing girls, but wasn't Karlie supposed to be? After all the intimate conversations her and Karlie have had trying to figure out their new feelings together, how was Taylor supposed to feel staring at this picture? Taylor felt betrayed. She felt thrown aside and used.
A teardrop lands with a small splash upon the picture Taylor is still studying. With that, she shrieks and throws her phone across the room, hard. It slams the hotel room's wall with a bang before ricocheting into a lamp, both phone and lamp then clattering to the floor. Her iPhone screen is surely broken, along with the ceramic lamp, and her sleeping mother next door is probably no longer asleep.
She felt betrayed. She felt angry. She felt confused. She felt sad. She felt hurt. And worst of all, she felt forgotten about. Was none of this as special to Karlie as it was to her? Was she just one of the many women that Karlie would be moving onto, maybe to explore her sexuality more. Maybe it was naive or even ignorant of her to think that what they had must be special since their connection broke through the previous walls of sexuality that they had. And now here was a picture of Karlie with another girl, casual in front of all of New York. Although it is a ridiculous feeling to have, it would have hurt Taylor a lot less if she had been pictured with another guy instead.
Taylor's shoulders begin shaking as her throat tightens. Her stream of tears is beginning to turn into full fledged sobs. Was Taylor not enough for Karlie? Was she choosing Cara over her, after using Taylor to explore her sexuality? Was that all this was from the start? Karlie couldn't go behind Josh's back for her but no problem with Cara? Taylor hates that it looks like a morning after kiss. What had they done together?
And after Karlie's whole reel about Taylor needing to take time and space to think about 'us,' Karlie goes and does this? Maybe that isn't why she wanted space from Taylor at all, maybe she just couldn't juggle two girls at once.
The worst part is Karlie owed her nothing. Taylor wasn't Karlie's girlfriend, there was no reason Karlie couldn't do whatever she wanted without worrying about Taylor. Taylor had just thought that Karlie wasn't that type of person. Why should I have even thought that, look at what she does with me behind Josh's back.
The minute Taylor thinks that is the minute Taylor feels downright ashamed. She knows Karlie. Karlie is a good person. Any tendencies Karlie has ever displayed of being a bad person are all because of Taylor anyway. After all the false news stories written about herself, how could she be so quick to believe Karlie was behaving this way. Well there is a picture. A toxic version of own voice sounds in her head, reminding her of the photographic evidence.
Taylor does something quite like the walk of shame when she gets out of bed to walk to the other side of her hotel room to retrieve her phone. She tip toes barefoot around the sharp pieces of broken lamp that is scattered all along the floor from throwing her phone. Although disappointed, she isn't surprised to see the iPhone screen cracked. Luckily, however, the screen still lights up when she presses the home screen. She tip toes back over to her bed and lies down, glad that she has no glass stuck in her feet, before calling Karlie.
Her hands are shaking and sweaty as she holds the phone against her ear. Her stomach feels hurt and hollow, nauseous even, at the idea of Karlie going behind her back like this. Most of all, however, she just feels a crippling pain. It has been a while since Taylor has entered into any relationship without thinking of the chance she could get hurt. People change, people don't always know what they want, and sometimes people hurt others. Even knowing this, Taylor rarely left relationships unscathed. However, somehow, she never even considered the notion of Karlie potentially hurting her.
"Hey you," Karlie answers, voice sweet. As if nothing is wrong.
"Karlie," Taylor says, hating that her pain sounds so clearly through her voice.
"Taylor? What is it, what's wrong?" Karlie asks, voice laced with worry. Taylor can almost imagine her face now as if she were right in front of her. Her green eyes are probably filled with worry, her brow is probably scrunched up. There is probably a slight frown on her face, causing her chin to dimple. If she had been sitting down when Taylor called, maybe she had just stood up, pacing.
"You," Taylor answers, unable to say much of anything else. Tears are streaming down her face, her throat burns. She doesn't want to completely break down with Karlie on the line. She wants to shield her hurt as much as possible, because she obviously thought that whatever her and Karlie had was much more than what Karlie thought.
"Me? Taylor, no, I know this month has been hard but you're going to be back tomorrow. I never wanted you to think that we weren't—"
"Cara," Taylor says, interrupting Karlie as she plays dumb. Did she really think Taylor didn't know about the kiss? it was on Perez Hilton's website for God's sake.
"OH!" Karlie exclaims. Taylor's chest falls even further at the sound of recognition Karlie makes. She obviously wasn't about to deny it. Karlie laughs and says, "Taylor, it isn't what you think—"
Taylor can't stand the sound of Karlie's laughter. Not now. What does she think this is? "Why would you fucking do that?" Taylor accuses. She had meant for her voice to sound angry, and maybe it started that way, but Taylor cringes at the sound of her own voice when a sob overtakes her body halfway through the sentence. By the time she finishes she sounds as though she is whimpering. It is heartbreaking for her to even hear herself, it is a sound that she was familiar with hearing years ago during the worst break up of her life. She was on the phone again then too.
"Taylor, baby, listen—"
"Baby?" Taylor scoffs through the tears. Karlie has never called her baby before, and she chooses now as the time to start?
"Taylor, please, please listen. You know me and Cara are just friends. You know that. We kissed goodbye, she's British. I didn't even expect it myself! Before I knew it she was in the taxi already gone. It had to have been, like, a third of a second. You know it doesn't mean anything," Karlie pleads, her voice soft and soothing.
"No, I don't know that," Taylor snarls, her voice taking on the venomous rage she initially wanted it to have.
"Taylor, shhh, please don't. Think about this, I know what it looks like, I really do, but think about it. You know me, you know how I feel about you, would I ever do that? Do you really think I would do that to you, after everything?" Karlie says, keeping her tone calm and soft.
Taylor is momentarily disarmed. No, this wasn't like Karlie. "Then...what did you do with her?" Taylor asks, her voice mixed with tears and confusion.
"She came over for the night just because I haven't seen her in so long, and now she is staying at a hotel for the rest of the week. She has a bunch of shoots in the city right now," Karlie replies.
"What did you do with her?" Taylor asks again, and she is sure Karlie can hear that she is still crying.
"Taylor! Nothing, we didn't do anything! We ate dinner and sat on my couch talking all night," Karlie insists.
"What did you talk about?"
"Taylor, we didn't talk about anything, I don't know! A bunch of random stuff!" Karlie replies.
"You're lying, Karlie! I can hear in your voice you're lying!" Taylor replies, and if her crying had begun to calm it has returned fully now. "Don't do this to me," Taylor cries, sounding utterly helpless. Why hadn't she even thought about the possibility of Karlie hurting her? She had completely forgotten to protect herself from this.
"Taylor, no! You don't understand!" Karlie replies, sounding panicked and emotional herself now, probably at hearing how hurt Taylor sounds. "Taylor I did lie, we talked about stuff going on with Josh. I didn't want to mention it because you're already upset. We were talking about me and Josh most of the night. Taylor, I love you so much. I would never hurt you like that." Taylor is quieted for a moment as she allows Karlie's words to sink in. Tears stream silently down her face as she realizes that Karlie no longer sounds as though she is lying, and she was surprised at how easy she had been able to see through Karlie's lie earlier. After the uneasy silence has gone on for sometime, Karlie asks, "What are you doing? Can I FaceTime you? I want to see you and talk to you."
"No, I don't want to do that," Taylor says as she wipes at tears on her cheeks.
"Taylor," Karlie says simply, her voice cracking, sounding as though Taylor's pain is her own.
"I believe you," Taylor finally admits. The pain is still raw, at just the thought of Karlie doing something like that. But she can hear the pain in Karlie's voice and the truth in her words and she believes that nothing like that went on with Cara.
"Jesus, Taylor," Karlie says, a small hollow laugh of relief sounding through the phone. "Don't do that to me again, you were breaking my heart sounding like that."
Taylor believes her, as she can hear the shakiness of the model's voice. "I'm sorry."
"Don't say that to me! Are you serious? I'm sorry that it looked the way it did," Karlie says. "Do you trust me, Taylor?"
"Yeah, I do. I've just been screwed over before in ways I never would have expected to be," Taylor admits.
"Taylor, I'm not any of those guys you've been with. I never want to hurt you, and if I can ever do something to prevent you from being hurt I will always do just that. And if you're ever hurt by anyone at all, I am always here for you. No matter what I promise I will always be here for you if you need me," Karlie says softly. Tears begin to gently roll down Taylor's cheeks once more when hearing Karlie's promise.
"I just— I love you and when I saw that—"
"I know, Taylor, I know. I love you too," Karlie says comfortingly.
"I just want to see you now. It has been too long," Taylor says.
"When I see you I'm giving you a hug that lasts a couple of hours to make up for all the time I missed," Karlie says, trying to lighten the mood.
Taylor smiles and the last of her tears fall from her eyes. "Okay," is the only reply she can muster.
"Okay?! That's it? Okay?!" Karlie laughs as she teases the older girl.
"Leave me alone, I'm trying to pull myself back together," Taylor replies, but sounding more like herself.
"I know," Karlie sighs. "Jeez, you were a tad jealous, huh?"
"No," Taylor replies stubbornly.
"Hm.. I think you were," Karlie says, and Taylor can feel her smile through the phone.
"Yeah, well, there is nothing wrong with that," Taylor relents.
"No, there's not. You aren't a very enjoyable jealous though. You sort of just made me really sad. Nothing hot about that," Karlie says. Taylor groans and rolls her eyes. "Taylor, did you just roll your eyes? I seriously felt it from the opposite side of the world."
Taylor bursts out laughing as Karlie knew exactly what she had done. "You're so annoying," Taylor laughs.
"I'm telling the truth! I thought people being jealous was supposed to be hot in a weird way but you just made me sad! You were like a sad little whimpering puppy or something. It hurt my heart," Karlie replies, laughing about it now.
"Oh, great," Taylor says sarcastically. She notices the shattered pieces of lamp scattered along the hotel room floor. "Well, I did break a lamp."
"You broke a lamp?" Karlie asks sounding surprised.
"Yeah, I saw the picture on my phone and I, like, threw it across the room and then it hit the wall and the lamp and the lamp broke when it fell. And my phone's screen is cracked. It was very dramatic," Taylor says drily at the end.
"That just sounds sort of violent. But I like it," Karlie says, lowering the volume of her voice as she finishes.
"Oh, be quiet, I don't even know why I told you that," Taylor says, trying not to sound amused.
"Oh shush, I know you love me," Karlie laughs.
"Yeah, well," Taylor says smiling, not wanting to give Karlie the satisfaction of agreeing with her.
"Yeah, well to you too then," Karlie replies.
"You're being mean and I've had a really traumatic morning believe it or not," Taylor says.
"Oh really? I've actually had an uneventful quiet night at home tonight," Karlie replies, still teasing.
"See? You're not being nice. I don't need this from you," Taylor replies, trying to make Karlie feel bad.
"Okay okay, I'm sorry. What do you need from me?" Karlie asks.
"I need...love," Taylor replies and instantly Karlie bursts into laughter on the other end. Taylor smiles hearing how funny the model is finding her reply.
"Awww, Taylor," Karlie says as she continues laughing. "That was the cutest, saddest, and most pathetic thing I've ever heard you say."
"It didn't sound that bad in my head, and then I said it, and...yeah," Taylor says, laughing herself now as well.
"Aww, well, I know you've had a rough morning. But I really would never do anything like that to you, okay? You have to know that. And I really do love you so much," Karlie says, no longer teasing the older girl.
"I know you wouldn't, I just saw the picture and I wasn't thinking and called you right away," Taylor explains.
"I'm sorry, I can't imagine what it was like to see that," Karlie replies.
"Well, I think you got the gist of it on the phone," Taylor says drily.
"Don't remind me," Karlie replies. "Taylor, isn't it early there? You sound tired, why don't you try sleeping more?"
Suddenly, Taylor really does feel exhausted. Between waking up earlier than usual and experiencing such a dramatic morning so far, she agrees that she could probably fall back asleep."Yeah, I think I will actually."
"Alright, now don't be thinking about that anymore today. Have a great show and I guess I will see you soon?" Karlie replies, and Taylor can tell the the younger girl is smiling.
"Yeah, really soon," Taylor says, sure that her smile now is matching the model's on the other side of the world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Karlie hangs up the phone and notices that her hands are still shaking. She leaves the hotel room's bathroom quickly and is greeted by Cara quickly with the question "Did it work?"
"Cara! That was so stupid! Why did you do that! You have no idea how sad she was!" Karlie says, sounding genuinely angry.
"What?! I didn't think she would be sad, you guys aren't exclusive! I just thought she would be really mad and you could just explain everything and it would be fine!" Cara says quickly, standing up from her chair. "Shit, now I feel bad. What did she say?"
Karlie's anger ebbs away, seeing that Cara does genuinely feel bad. "I mean, she saw the picture obviously. But it was horrible, she sounded so...I don't know Cara it was just horrible. She sounded absolutely broken," Karlie says, shaking her head sadly.
"Fuck, I didn't think it was going to be that serious! I swear, Karlie," Cara replies, sitting beside her friend.
"I know you didn't. You're just...you don't think about things! You make me want to strangle you sometimes," Karlie says, grabbing Cara by the shoulders and shaking her.
Cara is laughing now but adds, "I still feel bad though."
"Yeah, and you didn't even have to hear it," Karlie replies. She is never going to forget just how hurt Taylor sounded. Even though Karlie knew she hadn't done what Taylor thought she did, she had still felt sick, thinking she was the one who made Taylor feel something as horrible as that.
"I just...I figured that she would be mostly mad and want to act more quickly with you. I didn't think she was all that emotionally invested with you if she's had the chance to be with you and didn't take it. I guess she really is in as deep as you," Cara says, sounding surprised. "Have you decided what you're going to do yet?"
"No, Cara. Not at all," Karlie says, bringing her hands to her face. "I have been thinking about everything so much and I can't believe how much I genuinely love both of them. I never thought you could like two people so much, I can't even explain it to you."
"I'm sorry, babe," Cara says, rubbing Karlie's back up and down. "Well, at least you know how serious Taylor has been taking this after seeing her so upset. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing for you right now, though."
"Yeah," Karlie replies, having thought the same exact thing moments ago. "I've learned two things. One is that I never want to be the one to hurt Taylor like that ever, period. I know I could never live with myself, just the sound of her like that is going to, like, haunt me forever. Two is that I never want Josh to know what I've done with Taylor behind his back. Maybe it is wrong of me to feel that way, but if I can ever avoid Josh feeling the exact way Taylor just did then I will do everything I can to do just that."
"Once again, Karlie, you're too nice," Cara says quietly.
"Cara, what is wrong with not wanting to hurt them?" Karlie asks.
"There is nothing wrong with it, I'm just saying I think it is unavoidable that one of them is going to be hurt at the end of all this," Cara says hesitantly.
Karlie sighs and knows that what Cara said is true. "Yeah, but there is a right way and wrong way to doing this. I don't ever want to hurt them in a way that isn't fair." Cara is silent but continues to rub her friend's back, knowing that is thinking hard about a difficult situation. "I wish I could just like, tell Taylor that I am still testing things out with Josh and that—"
"Karlie, don't even finish what you're about to say. You can't just leave Taylor hanging like that. And you know that if you do there is no point in being with Josh, because isn't your whole reasoning thing that you are scared you've been distracted with him and that is why it isn't working? I'm pretty sure you will be distracted if you have Taylor waiting on you. And Taylor has kept you waiting, you know how bad that sucks. Don't do it to her," Cara says sternly.
Karlie groans and leans against Cara. "This is so hard, Cara," Karlie whines.
"Just really imagine each situation. Whatever you feel best with when you're imagining scenarios, choose that," Cara replies.
"It is more like which situation makes me feel the least horrible at this point," Karlie replies sadly.
"When is Taylor coming back?" Cara asks.
"With her time zone she is coming back tomorrow. I still have a day and a half though," Karlie replies. "Cara, I didn't tell her that you knew everything. I think she would have really freaked out about it, since such a big reason why she is so nervous is people finding out about everything."
"Karlie, you know I would never say anything."
"No, I know you wouldn't, Cara. She just doesn't know you as well and I know she will be freaked out. You're the only person who knows," Karlie explains.
"Okay, well I promise that no one will be hearing anything from me. And Taylor will never know that I know," Cara says, holding onto one of Karlie's hands to emphasize her promise.
"Thank you for everything, Cara," Karlie says seriously.
"No need to thank me. But let's hurry up and go out before we waste the night away. Because, no offense, I'm pretty sure your life is going to suck in a couple days and we won't get to have too many nights out," Cara says smiling.
"I wish I could disagree."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Taylor, honey, are you sure we shouldn't just spend the night in the hotel and then fly back?" Andrea asks as they sit in the backseat of the rental vehicle.
"Mom, I just want to be back in New York City. I will sleep on the plane," Taylor replies. She is still sweaty from the show she has completed only moments ago.
"Well, forgive me for thinking it will be a bit ridiculous boarding a plane dressed as a glittery circus master," Andrea says, taking in the appearance of her daughter beside her. Taylor laughs much louder and longer than she would have ordinarily at her mother's comment as she takes off the hat she is wearing. "What has gotten into you? Not that it's a bad thing, but you seem very happy lately," Andrea observes.
"I don't know, Mom! It is going to be so summery when I get back to New York City! I have a whole summer ahead of me with nothing to do but record—"
"Now, don't get ahead of yourself, Taylor, you're going to have to talk to Scott about that," Andrea warns.
"I wrote songs that I love. No way I'm letting them stay off the record," Taylor replies.
"Alright," Andrea settles, knowing it is no use to argue with her daughter when it comes to music.
"You're coming to New York when Austin and Dad do, right?" Taylor asks, as she begins taking off whatever parts of her circus tour outfit that she can while in the car.
"Yeah, I plan too. I just want a couple of days at home first after traveling. What's the rush?" Andrea asks.
"I want you to meet Karlie! And see my apartment!" Taylor says, as though it were obvious. Taylor's smile hasn't left her face since the show has ended.
"Okay. How is Karlie? It seems like every time I've seen you in the past six months I've had to tell you to get off the phone with her. I'm surprised I didn't hear you talking with her as much since we've been here," Andrea says.
"Well, this time zone is pretty impossible. But she's good. She's been excited about me being in the city for the summer with her since I moved there," Taylor says, although her smile faltering a little she is still genuinely happy.
"Well, I'm glad you're so excited about life, sweetie," Andrea says.
The car pulls into the airport's private runway where a private jets await the Swifts. When they have boarded the plane along with all of their luggage, Taylor feels as though the plane can't take off soon enough. She is fidgeting in her seat, constantly looking out the window to see if there were any airport employees on the runway still, and tapping her fingers on the armrest.
"Taylor, what on earth is the hurry?" Andrea asks, taking in her daughter's clear anxiety to take off.
"Nothing, Mom. I'm just excited to finally be going home," Taylor says smiling, but doing her best to sit in her seat at rest now.
"I've just never seen you like this. I thought you would be a little nostalgic about the end of the tour like the last ones," Andrea replies.
"Nope, better things are ahead, Mom," Taylor says.
Andrea's eyes widen, truly confused by the new version of her daughter seated beside her. "I don't know what you've been doing in New York that has made you be this way, but whatever it is keep doing it," Andrea replies in disbelief, although clearly happy with her daughter. Taylor laughs much more than she should have once again and by the look of Andrea she is truly confused by what seems to be so funny.
Finally, the plane takes off from the runway. It seems that they have only been flying for a few minutes when Andrea falls asleep beside Taylor.
Ordinarily, Taylor would sleep on a long flight home like this. It is the best way to avoid jet lag, and she is always exhausted after a performance. But there is no way she is going to fall asleep on this flight. She was too excited to be going home to Karlie. She is going to tell her that she's been so stupid these last couple of months, and that although a life with her would be hard, if Karlie thought that was something she wanted Taylor wouldn't stop her. Taylor is going to tell her that she wants to be with Karlie, that they'll make it work together.
Just the thought of spending an entire summer with Karlie as her girlfriend brings a smile to Taylor's face as she stares out the plane's window. Suddenly, everything makes so much sense to her and the stress she has been battling for months completely dissipates. How could she have been so stupid not to have decided this months ago? Karlie was everything she needed to be happy, and it has been obvious since March.
Finally, Taylor was going to allow herself to be happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
June 13, 2014
http://tswiftdaily.com/tagged/june-13-2014
Finally, Taylor was home in New York City. Only being back for a couple hours wasn't going to stop Taylor from going to see Karlie right away. Taylor was applying her red lipstick in the backseat of her familiar Lincoln, not even spending the few extra minutes in her apartment to do it there. She wanted to get to Karlie ASAP, she wanted as much of the day with her as possible because today everything was going to change.
When the Lincoln pulls up to the curb of Karlie's apartment building, Taylor practically pops out. She is surprised to see paparazzi stationed outside of Karlie's home, considering there were none outside of her own apartment, but even their presence couldn't dampen her mood.
It was really was summer in New York City now. She remembers the first time she saw Karlie's apartment in March, how she mused that of course Karlie managed to have a garden in the middle of New York City. It was so like her. And now all of the flowers and shrubbery have come to bloom and it looked beautiful in a way Taylor could have never imagined. Taylor smiles to herself as she passes through the gate. As a songwriter, she loves metaphors, so there is nothing better than a natural and real life metaphor to her. Seeing all the flowers and colors and summer sun now make her feel all that much more confident in the decision she has made. Maybe after her and Karlie talk they can go out for a walk in Central Park. It is probably just as beautiful there as well. They can hold hands, why not? The paparazzi might not even be aware that she is back from tour yet, except for that one lone photographer she just saw. Even if they did get pictures of them holding hands, who would believe they are together? It took Taylor herself months to figure out that that is what should be done. Yes, Taylor thinks, A walk in the park sounds great today.
Taylor rings Karlie's doorbell, anxious to see her friend. She would have had Karlie come over to her apartment, but Taylor just couldn't stand waiting for the consistently late model. When Karlie opens the door, Taylor cuts off any verbal greeting she was about to speak with a massive hug.
Karlie laughs as she takes a few steps backward, not prepared for such a big hug from the shorter girl. She holds Taylor as tightly against her as Taylor is to her.
"I guess someone is happy to see me," Karlie laughs, still holding onto her friend.
"I don't think we can ever go that long without seeing each other ever again," Taylor says, face nuzzled in Karlie's shoulder.
"I don't think we can either," Karlie agrees, rubbing Taylor's back up and down. Taylor enjoys this moment. She breathes in Karlie's aroma, is conscious of the locks of the model's hair that are tickling her face, of how strong of an embrace Karlie is able to hold her in. Taylor pulls away realizing that in her rush to hug Karlie, she forgot about her favorite characteristic of the model. Taylor smiles as she looks into Karlie's green eyes, illuminated by the summer sun that is flooding into the apartment through the front door that is still wide open. Karlie is smiling back at her before walking around her to close the door.
"I can't believe how nice it is here. When I left it didn't really feel like summer, and now I'm back and it is so amazing," Taylor says, knowing that her smile must be gigantic right now.
"I told you that summers in the city are amazing! It is going to be so much fun," Karlie says smiling, but Taylor can tell that she is nervous. The singer can't wait to put all of the model's worries to rest, finally, after months of only causing them for her friend.
"I can't believe how beautiful your apartment building looks, I'm so jealous. I have some really great graffiti though. And I noticed when I got back there is a random pair of handcuffs attached to the railing, so that's, you know, that's cool," Taylor says drily.
Karlie laughs, and Taylor realizes how much she has missed watching her friend laugh this past month apart. Her smile and laugh are infectious. "It sounds like great summer decor."
"I mean, handcuffs are in. Flowers are out," Taylor says, happy to be the one making Karlie laugh.
"Do you want to see my flowers out in the balcony?" Karlie asks excitedly.
"Yes!" Taylor says, matching Karlie's tone. She loves that she can be as excited as she wants around Karlie. Being excitable is something Taylor has often been judged for, but Karlie always seems to match her emotions perfectly.
When they walk out onto the balcony, Taylor is met with the summer sun once more. It is hot and bright, and it just feels like summer. There are birds chirping, bees are buzzing amongst all the flowers, and Taylor can hear the bustle from the city below, but it doesn't sound obnoxious or intrusive in anyway, rather they are sounds of excitement. Sounds of life. Taylor is softly touching all the beautiful petals of the flowers Karlie has managed to grow in such an urban area. She can tell Karlie is studying her, but she continues to look at the flowers, allowing Karlie to stare at her uninterrupted. She wonders if her blue eyes look as deep layered in this sunshine as Karlie's green ones do. Probably not.
"You are the only person I know who can grow a full on garden in the middle of this city," Taylor says, finally meeting Karlie's stare smiling. "It is like you are actual sunshine." Karlie smiles in return, but Taylor can still sense the nervousness she felt earlier. Karlie had no idea what Taylor was going to say to her, and the singer couldn't wait to make this perfect summer day even better for the two of them. "Want to go back inside?" Taylor suggests, and Karlie nods her head and goes in first.
Once inside Taylor gets right to the point, not wanting to waste one more moment being apart. "So, I guess we should talk?"
"Yeah," Karlie says uneasily, as she sits down on the couch in her living room.
Taylor feels bad that Karlie is so nervous, she doesn't know that there is no need to be. Everything is going to be so simple now, so much better than it ever has been before. It can be like the road trip all over again, they can isolate themselves together in a New York City summer. No one will ever know.
Taylor sits down beside her friend on the couch. "Well," Taylor begins, "I did all the thinking you wanted me to and—"
"Wait, Taylor, I have been thinking too," Karlie says, interrupting her. Karlie is studying her hands on her lap.
"Okay," Taylor says, smiling in encouragement. It is a smile the model doesn't see, however, as she continues studying her hands. She can't even look at me. Taylor doesn't want Karlie to feel this nervous about something that is going to turn into something great. Taylor reaches for Karlie's hands and once holding them Karlie finally looks up at her. "What have you been thinking about?" Taylor asks, encouraging her once more with a smile. She hopes that Karlie can feel more confident now.
"I don't want you to be upset," Karlie says softly. Taylor feels so sad that Karlie thinks Taylor is still going to be upset over them being together. Just as she is about to tell Karlie that it is okay, she has figured everything out, they're meant to be together, Karlie continues, "Taylor, I need to be with Josh."
Taylor is thankful that her body goes into such a state of shock that her face doesn't reveal any emotion. She doesn't even have any emotion yet. Just pure confusion. She hadn't even considered this outcome, she didn't even realize this outcome could exist. But they were supposed to go for a walk in the park today holding hands, how can this be right?
"Say something," Karlie pleads, squeezing Taylor's hand now.
"I..." Taylor says, the reality of it finally settling in. What can she say? She spent a fourteen hour flight planning out their entire summer as a couple. She had planned out romantic summer dates, showing Karlie her Rhode Island home for the first time, bringing her to summer concerts, maybe even a couple visits to Nashville. She thought about introducing her to her parents, and meeting Karlie's own family. Maybe they could all come together for a Fourth of July party. She had even gone so far as to figure out ways to see Karlie as often as possible during album promotion this fall. And now what? Now nothing.
"Taylor, I have been with him for so long. Maybe couples who have been together for so long have off periods, and maybe it is just something the couple has to work through. Isn't that what a relationship is? Two people working together? And I haven't been working with him at all, I've been thinking about you all the time. Whenever I've been with him I haven't really been with him. I haven't even been a person lately I have just been some weird mixture of work, guilt, and stress. I owe it to him and to us to just...to just try," Karlie says, squeezing Taylor's hand exceptionally tight, as though she physically force Taylor to understand.
"I understand," Taylor replies, her voice deathly quiet. She feels numb to the tears that are now dripping off of her face onto the intertwined pair of hands below. I'm too late. I made her wait too long. I fucking ruined us.
"Please, I can't see you like this," Karlie says, cupping Taylor's head with her two hands, using her thumbs to wipe away each fresh tear that falls from Taylor's eyes. Taylor isn't sure if she is even registering anything right now, everything seems to be going too fast and too slow at the same time. The idea of this happening never even struck her as a possibility. What is happening? We were going to go for a walk in the park today holding hands.
Taylor isn't sure how long it takes her to realize that Karlie is crying too. Karlie is wiping away Taylor's tears as tears of her own stream down the model's cheeks. This is exactly what Taylor wanted to change, Karlie can't always be the one nurturing and comforting her, it needs to go both ways. That was Taylor's first original mistake, and she wasn't going to continue making it.
"No, stop," Taylor says, her voice sounding unfamiliar and monotone. She pulls Karlie's hands away from her face and brings her legs up onto the couch to kneel as she pulls the model against her chest. "It's okay, I understand. I really do," Taylor says, hoarsely whispering into the top of Karlie's head. She kisses the top of the model's head firmly, squeezing her eyes shut, willing herself to stop crying, at least for Karlie's sake. How can she feel so at peace when hugging the girl who just broke her heart?
Karlie cries into Taylor's embrace, hiccuping as she struggles to say, "T-Taylor, I never wanted any of this to happen like this. I never wanted to hurt either of you. I've never had to do anything this hard before, I hate it so fucking much you don't understand. I hate it so—"
"Karlie, stop!" Taylor says roughly. She doesn't want her voice to sound this way, but the alternative is sounding just like Karlie and that wouldn't be helpful to the model at all. Taylor takes a deep breath, praying that she can force the tone of voice that she needs to have right now. "Karlie, you didn't do anything wrong. It's okay, everything is okay. I'm okay, I was just— I'm okay, I promise I'm okay. Everything is okay," Taylor says, rocking Karlie back and forth. The singer continues repeating that everything and everyone involved is okay, she does it for both Karlie's benefit and her own. Maybe if she says it enough it will become true. If not, maybe she can brainwash herself into thinking that it is true.
Taylor isn't sure how long she rocks the younger girl in her arms for, repeating that everything is okay, but soon she realizes that her tears have dried and Karlie's cries have quieted. Taylor stops speaking, but continues rocking Karlie back and forth in her arms. Taylor can't help but think of all the times they thought they have come to agreements, only to fall back into their old habits. The singer finds herself wishing that maybe this will be the same way, but she realizes it will never be enough now. She just spent the the last day planning out her life with Karlie. Sneaking around with her will never be enough anymore. Besides, something about this is different, just as their last argument was. This was final. They were over.
"Taylor," Karlie says, her voice sounding as hoarse as Taylor's was due to crying. Taylor kisses Karlie on top of the head once more, because it feels like the right thing to do after hearing Karlie's voice so strained, and also because she isn't sure if she will get the chance to do this again appropriately. When was the last time we kissed? Taylor curses herself for not being able to remember the exact details of it. She hadn't realized it was going to be the last time they did it. "I wish, more than absolutely anything—"
"Shhh, Karlie. I know. None of this is your fault, everything is okay," Taylor assures her quietly. It is all my fault, for making you wait too long. Everything is wrong.
"I don't want to lose you," Karlie says simply, but in the most heartbreaking version of her voice that Taylor has ever heard.
"Karlie, we are going to have an amazing summer together. Have you ever been to Rhode Island? You're going to love it. You can meet my family this week. I want to meet your family. I'm going to help you with Josh, whenever you need advice I will be there. I know you want to fix things with him and if you need help I will be there," Taylor says. It kills her to describe the summer she has planned for them, because when she planned it they were together, maybe they had even fallen in love after some time without any drama involved. Maybe their 'I love you's' were going to mean so much more than they do now by the time July came. But now, their summer plans were never going to feel quite as great to Taylor as she imagined, but Karlie doesn't have to know that.
Karlie leans away from Taylor's embrace just enough to look up at the older girl. Taylor is struck by her green eyes. They are even more captivating when they are slightly watery from the past tears she has cried. They are slightly swollen and bloodshot though, and Taylor hates seeing them that way. How long have they been crying? Do her own eyes look the same? Taylor knows she shouldn't, but she kisses Karlie on the forehead, for much the same reason that she kissed the top of her head. There jus might not be another chance to do it. She feels the model relax in her arms when her lips meet her flesh, and when Taylor pulls away she sees that Karlie had closed her eyes. Maybe she was enjoying it for one last time too.
Karlie slowly opens her eyes and pierces Taylor with her green stare. "Are you sure everything is going to be okay?"
No. "I promise."
They sit quietly beside each other before Karlie leans closer to Taylor, silently requesting another hug. Taylor wraps her arms around the younger girl and pulls her in tight. How can I be both thrilled and heartbroken that I'm hugging her right now?
Taylor holds her for a while, as Karlie shows no signs of wanting the singer to let her go. When Karlie begins feeling restless underneath her embrace, Taylor asks, "Do you want to make lunch?"
Karlie pulls away and studies Taylor's face with a confused expression. "Seriously?"
"Well, what else are we supposed to do?" Taylor asks laughing, but her laugh sounds dead. It fills the quiet room with even more a broken spirit.
Karlie shakes her head, smiling sadly, "I can't believe this."
"We have to start somewhere," Taylor says, wanting to be the positive one for the two of them. Taylor has never wanted to lose Karlie, that had been her one condition going into this. The one promise they made to each other when their road trip ended. No matter what happened, they were always going to be friends.
"Well, it better be a really good lunch then," Karlie replies smiling, doing her best to joke.
The girls stand up together to head towards the kitchen. When they pass by an opened window, Taylor can't help but think the summer sun is far too bright and too hot, the birds' chirping annoying, and the noise from the city deafeningly loud.