[a/n: Hey y'all. I'm thinking that this book might end in a few more chapters maybe 5 or 6 more. I'm also running out of lyrics to use as titles lol. Hope you enjoy this chapter.]
Ricky had never met anyone like Nini. No one had ever made him feel so loved and wanted. He never understood what she saw in him, and looking at the object before him, he was perplexed as ever.
He'd finally opened the gift she got for him. It was a book. Inside were all of his work. Clippings from his high school days when he was in the photography club. The first photo he took for the university paper. She'd kept them all. She'd been keeping track of every tiny milestone he's had over the years in this book, and she'd even captioned them in her own handwriting. He couldn't fathom her love for him. She was proud of him. All this time she was proud of him. And as if there wasn't enough proof, she'd made sure to put it down in writing, Ricky's hands trembled as he read her perfect penmanship.
Dear Ricky,
Last might was supposed to be a celebration. This was supposed to be your anniversary gift. But I guess things didn't go as I planned.
We were both emotional last night, and I'm sorry for the things I said. I didn't mean it.
You're not a coward. You're the bravest person I know. Every time I look at you I can still see the beautiful boy who comforted me with a guitar, the one who taught me to be brave. You were born to be brave, remember? I know you Ricky, and I know you'd never walk away from something without reason. I'm sorry.
If you feel like I'm not proud of you, that's on me. Perhaps, I haven't shown you enough, or told you, but I am so, so proud of you, babe. For nine years I've had the privilege of watching you grow as a photographer and as a person. I hope that I get to continue to be the person standing beside you as you reach higher highs. I've always been proud of you, and I'm sorry if I've made you feel like you are anything short of amazing.
I love you and I want to be with you. I don't need you to be anyone else. I just want you. As always, I'm going to give you your space and respect your decision. But I haven't forgotten your promise. You told me you'll always come back to me, so I'll be waiting for you.
Every day I'll wait for you at the Bethesda Terrace between 5.30 and 6.30 pm. Just come whenever you're ready. I'll be there.
I love you, babe.
I hope to see you real soon.
Nini
It wasn't that she'd never shown or told him how proud she was of him. He just never believed her. He so desperately wanted to. He hated that he made her feel it was her fault. Thinking back on it, maybe she never did put him on a pedestal, maybe she truly believed that he was extraordinary. It was always he who didn't believe it. In this moment he genuinely wanted to believe every word in that letter. He wanted to see himself the way she saw him.
He ran his fingers through the pages of the book, and he thought of two people. Benjamin Maz and Ethan. (And obviously he thought of Nini, but that was a given since she was always on his mind). Ricky had an idea, but there was something he needed to do.
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"Congratulations to our new Editor, the one and only, Miss Nina Salazar-Roberts.." Doyle announced to the whole room. She did it. She finally got the position. She was proud of herself. It was small victories like this that took her mind off the one person she wanted to call.
"Thank you, Doyle. I have some very big shoes to fill, but I will do my best and I hope we can all work together and build something amazing this year." Everyone clapped and Nini saw her friends in the back cheering her on, and winked at them.
Her phone rang and it was her girl Ashlyn, she immediately stepped out of the room and picked up the phone. "Hey, Ash!"
"Hey, girl... Congrats on the promotion!" Ashlyn said as her face popped up on the screen. "Biggie sends his best too!"
"Thank you, I couldn't have done it without your support, Ash." Nini said beaming, "Where is Big Red anyway?"
"Oh. He's just out with a.. friend." Ashlyn said awkwardly.
"You can say his name, Ash. I'm okay." Nini said. "He's with Ricky isn't he?"
"Yeah." Ashlyn said. "Sorry. How are you doing with the whole Ricky thing?"
Nini sighed.. "I'm not sure. I'm get by and I try not to think about it. But .. it is what it is, you know?"
"Sorry."
"Stop apologizing, Ash. It's alright, really." Nini said. "In fact, I'm actually kind of curious.. How is he?"
"He's doing really well, actually. I'm proud of him." Ashlyn said. "He's seeing someone."
"Oh." Nini couldn't believe how fast he moved on. She thought their relationship meant something to him. They were together nine years-
"Not like that." Ashlyn stopped her train of thoughts. "He's seeing someone, like a therapist. He's really working on his issues and I think it's really brave and amazing of him."
"Oh." Nini said once more with relief. She shouldn't feel this way anymore but her heart is terrible at lying. "That's great. I hope he'a
doing well."
"Yeah. Anyway..." Ashlyn said changing the subject. "I have some news."
"Oh my gosh.. You're pregnant aren't you?" Nini asked.
"NEENS! How did you know?!" Ashlyn practically tried to strangle her through the screen. "I was so excited to surprise you."
"Lucky guess. And you've got that glow, girl." Nini laughed at her friend's disappointment. "Congrats, babe! I'm so happy for you and Red, you guys are gonna be the coolest parents."
"Thank you. You have to come visit, okay?" Ashlyn said. "My kids need their aunt Nini."
"Of course I will.." Nini said chuckling, and then she realized something. "Kids? You said kids."
"HAH. Surprise, surprise! We're having twins!" Ashlyn said cackling. "Got you this time."
"Oh my gosh. That's amazing, Ash. I wish I could be there right now. How's Red dealing with the idea of being a father?"
"He was thrilled when we found out we were pregnant." Ash said. "But I just found out yesterday and haven't told him that it's twins. I'm kind of scared, to be honest."
"Aww. I'm sure he'll be supportive no matter what. He might freak out at first, but you know he'll love them so much."
"I know. It's just a lot of pressure on him. I don't want to stress him out, his dad has him working on expanding the pizza business and it's taking a toll on him."
"Well, you two should talk about it. I guess there's a lot to prepare with twins coming, and you know if you need anything I'll hop on that plane and come to you."
"I know. That means a lot, Nini. Thank you.. I think I'll tell him tonight."
"Great.. and if you're craving a New York Pizza or something, just hit me up."
Once Ashlyn hung up, Nini smiled to herself. She was so happy for Ashlyn and Red, but also super proud of Ricky for having that courage. She could never be indifferent to him.
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"Dr. Jenn is ready for you, Mr. Bowen."
Ricky stepped into the room that had become familiar to him in the past few weeks. He'd been coming to every session with an open mind, and it honestly felt good to get things off his chest.
"Hi Ricky, how was your week?"
"It was okay. I worked a wedding and I got in touch with Ben, he agreed to help me with my portfolio."
"That sounds great. Could you describe to me your main feelings this week, perhaps in three words? You can use this feeling wheel to help you out. The outer ring describes specific feelings and as it goes inwards it will get more broad. Feel free to be as specific or as broad as you like." Dr. Jenn showed him a piece of paper with a colorful wheel on it.
"Um.. okay. I guess I would say I feel optimistic, sad and anxious."
"Thank you. Would you explain or try to describe situations that made you feel that way." She said while taking notes.
"Well, I feel optimistic because of the Ben thing. I think he could really help me figure out what I need to highlight in my work."
"Good. Go on.."
"I feel sad because..." Ricky took a deep breath and sighed. "I feel sad because I'm not with the person I love, and I miss her all the time... and I know it's been a while, but I don't think I'll ever stop missing her."
"Thank you for being honest. You're talking about Nini, I presume?" Dr. Jenn nudged the bridge of her glasses making herself look smarter.
"Yes."
"Okay, maybe we'll explore your relationship with her in later sessions. For now let's move on to your last feeling.."
"Well, I'm anxious because of Nini as well I guess."
"Could you elaborate on that?"
"I haven't spoken to her at all since she cut me off, and it stresses me out when I think of the possibility that she may never forgive me for what I did, and that I may never speak or see her again. I also worry about her from time to time. How she's doing, is she healthy, is she safe and all that.. the not knowing just gnaws on me. I don't even have access to her socials."
Ricky said pulling at his curls.
"I'm getting the sense that she means a lot to you.. and losing her is somewhat of a turning point for you."
"It is. It's not the first time I've lost her. That's how much of an idiot I am. She was my rock, you know? Whenever I had my issues I would lean on her and she would always be ready for me. She'd tell me she believes in me and sometimes I would believe her."
"Sometimes?"
"Yeah.. I have a hard time believing that I'm as great as she thinks I am, that I deserve her, that I deserve a great future. I think I'm mediocre at best. But I'm trying... I really am."
"I believe you." Dr. Jenn said. "That's good enough for now. Just keep trying. You gotta learn to trust the process, Ricky."
Ricky could hear Nini's voice in his ear, as he recalled a conversation they had many moons ago in New York.
"That's enough for me. Just promise me you'll keep trying." Nini smiled. "Trust the process, Bowen."
"I will." Ricky said with a smile.
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