CHAPTER 3
Waking slowly to his lips seeking mine, aware of the fading candlelight, the warm hardness of his body, the soft caress of his hands, I curved my body toward his; accepting his passion once again, surrendering to his love, his need, his hunger. Falling into an awareness where only he and pleasure existed, I reached for him, enveloping him with my own warmth. Our hands, our mouths, our bodies flaming and satisfying each other's desire; until we lay, satiated, once again in each other's arms.
"I love you Kenny", I affirmed, as he held me close.
In the silence, I listened to his soft breath and felt the steady beating of his heart against my cheek, as I kissed his chest. It didn't matter if he answered. It only mattered that I was unafraid to tell the truth. No matter what his response, his body had told me that my love was returned.
"I love ya too, Owl", he spoke at last.
"I know", I whispered.
He released me from his arms and sat up, smoothing back his tussled, black hair; reaching for his clothes. Taking my lead from him, I started to find my own. But he pulled me close, kissed me and releasing me, threw me his own shirt; now crumpled by our bodies. I put it on; drinking in the scent of him, as his shirt enveloped me, thinking vaguely that I should just refuse to give it back, when the time came for him to leave so that I would always have a piece of him with me.
Raising myself from the straw, where we'd loved and slept; I walked to the lanterns and one by one, exchanged the burnt down candles in each for the fresh ones that lay, ready for use, on the wooden shelves beside them.
Awake and surprised at seeing me, at this time of night, Ginger whinnied as I passed her stall. I stopped to pat her, and she searched the pockets of Kenny's shirt for sugar cubes, nuzzling me with her soft nose, sneezing at the unfamiliar scent on me.
"Sorry, Ginny. No treats in this shirt", I laughed, as she tossed her head in indignation.
Giving her one last pat, I walked back to the empty stall that contained the hay, where Kenny sat, shirtless. Again he had plucked a strand of straw and was chewing on its end, his eyes never leaving me. Reaching for his black cowboy hat that lay beside him in the hay; I placed it on my head. Tilting it in the famous 'Kenny style' I stood over him.
" I've done slain ya, Kenny Ackerman", I drawled, imitating his accent, "With my Special Power! My Power o' Lurve!" I finished sarcastically, through the mounting giggles, rising inside me.
His face remained expressionless, his eyes never leaving me.
"Marry me, Jas", he replied.
Speechless and dropping to my knees beside him in the soft straw, my giggles silenced; I faced him as he took my hands in his own.
"Marry me", he repeated, his eyes soft and sincere, his face awash in the amber glow from the lanterns. The look of of optimism and hope had been replaced with a relaxed certainty, as he waited for my answer.
Four years, it had taken. Not even counting the years before that, when love had not been spoken of, but had remained a dream, I thought I alone cherished. Never daring to think my love would be returned, or that he could ever see me as more than a confidant or a friend.
Of course I would marry him!
Contentment and gravity struggled for dominance on his face, as I accepted his proposal. Confused, thinking that maybe I'd misheard, I asked if that was the answer he'd hoped for.
Looking down, shaking his head slowly, he answered, "Aaahh Owl, o' 'course it's what I wan'! Wouldn' have asked ya otherwise! Me, I'm jus' hopin' ya don' change ya mind when I tell ya what I couldn' tell ya earlier - what ya didn' wanna hear earlier. But ya done given me ya promise! So's ya can' back out now!" he grinned, meeting my eyes, taking his hat from my head and placing it on his own.
Reassuring him there was nothing he could say, that would make me change my mind, I settled into the hay to listen.
"Seein' as ya was so's upset earlier. I dunno 'bout ya not havin' secon' thoughts. 'Cause ya gotta know, that though I want ya ta be my bride, I dunno how long we'll have for us ta have a married life. An' maybe ya feelin' taward me'll change when ya know jus' what type o' man ya've agreed ta take for ya husband", he started.
"I know exactly who you are, Kenny. All of it. The things you've done. Your past. Your weakness. That restlessness that drives you. I know it all. That IS the man I love. Believe me, I have NO illusions about you being misunderstood, or really just a hero labeled a villain to bear the sins of the unworthy! No. The man I've agreed to wed, is the true you, all the bad and all the good.
You really don't need to warn me!" I laughed.
"Well, this don' concern the past. I know ya knows all 'bout me. But this diff'ren'. See, what I tried ta tell ya earlier, 'bout seein' Uri in Frieda's eyes. 'Bout seein' that same compassion, that same kindness an' understandin' ; that's when it hit me, Jas.
Do ya remember when I asked ya, 'How much power power does it take ta see peace? Did it take the power o' a King?'
Well I figured it out.
'Cause far as I can tell, it's not Royal power that lets 'em be so noble, so's forgivin' an' wise.
It's not not money a good life.
It's the Titan! There's somethin' 'bout their Titan that gives 'em the power ta see. Not like the mindless monsters that roam outside the walls. This Titan. The King (or the Queen's ) titan. The Royal Titan is different.
I mean, think 'bout it Jas, how many times have ya ever heard 'bout one of 'em other titans turnin' inta a human?!
Never, right?!
'Cause it's not the the same kinda titan! Can't be!
Hell, even 'em Freedom Scouts don' know shit 'bout 'em titans they hunt outside the walls. An' they're s'posed ta be the closest thing ta experts, we got on the subject. An' I'd bet my balls, that they don' know nothin' 'bout their Monarch bein' a titan!"
He paused, a look of earnestness on his face, as he searched my eyes, trying to gauge if I'd understood. I remained silent, praying that I wouldn't hear what I believed would come next.
"So's I figured, if I could get me a hold o' that serum..... Would I get my answers then? Would it make me see things the way that Uri did? The way the Queen do? Would it make me stop seein' the world as a some kind o' Hell, where it falls ta me ta clean up the human garbage? Would it make me sees that there's somethin' more ta people than their own greed an' selfishness? Would it? Is that what it would take? Becomin' a Titan?" he finished, his eyes questioning.
I breathed deeply, the pain of his earlier revelation re-surfacing inside me. All those lies. All that betrayal. All those lives lost. Because of this stupid, pointless search for answers, to questions that were never answered anyway. The knowledge that once acquired, couldn't even be shared, by the looks of it. It was so unfair! It was so WRONG!
"Kenny", I began. "You can't. Even if you could get the serum, which I assume is pretty closely guarded, you can't! You can't kill the Queen! You don't even know how this all works. You're playing with fire. And it won't just burn you.... It'll destroy you".
"Shit, Owl! I'm not gonna kill the Queen! Be like killin' Uri! But maybe one day, when she's near the end o' her reign.... Maybe if'n I jus' got my hands on the stuff, it'd be strong enough.... An' it'd be my turn! No more searchin' . No more feelin' like a piece o' shit that don' belong nowhere. No more hatin' what I can' change.
I wouldn' be trapped no more by jus' not bein' able ta sees things diff'rent from how I do. I'd be able ta UNDERSTAND how people loves this world. Dontcha see?" he continued, his eyes blazing with the fervour of a believer. "I'd be free", he finished.
My heart broke as I saw the pain he held so deep inside of him. Like a constant companion, it had been with him, shadowing him, for most of his life; until it had become a part of him.
I knew he was wrong. I knew his plan could never work. I knew that to carry it out would only destroy what good remained inside of him.
Payment would fall due, and the price would be his soul.
He would not listen to me, or heed my warning. It was not because he didn't believe me, but because he was so sure that he'd found his answer.
And to him, that was worth any price. So desperate was he for peace.
Compassion battled pain, and fought for supremacy inside of me. I loved him. I understood.
But the lies I, we all, had been told about this world, about our very existence.... And those who had died. My friends who had died. Such meaningless and pointless deaths. Their innocence and their ignorance of what they were serving, as they rode outside the walls.
To keep us safe.
And learn the truth of the titans.
It recalled the ache in the pit of my stomach, as I felt my tears anew.
"Aaaww, hey Jas. Come on. It's okay",Kenny soothed, enfolding me in his arms.
I lay my head on his shoulder, the faint scent of sweat, still lingering on his rugged, powerful chest; his strength engulfing all my fears, slowly replacing them with comfort.
"God knows I love you Kenny", I began. " I want you more than life itself. And I don't care that you want to have the Titan power. Or that it will give us a fixed end, because you will have a limited future. But I can't. I can't condone this. There's been too many secrets. Too many lies. Too many wasted lives.
I love you. Please don't do this.
Serve Frieda. You learnt so much from Uri. So much more than you ever thought you would. The same could happen with the Queen.
Please Kenny.
I'm not asking you to be someone you're not, or to give up on a dream. Just..
Please, please don't.
Wait", I pleaded.
We sat in silence, looking at each other. Each of us stubbornly adhering to our own point of view. I could see the anguish in his face, mirroring my own. And I knew that his love for me wasn't strong enough to overcome his relentless need to know, to see, to understand.
Just as my love for him wouldn't be enough to overcome the repulsion I felt at anything that perpetrated the twisted Titan power that ran our lives.
It was a line that neither of us could cross. And where that left us, I didn't know.
Could I still marry him, if he held to this course of action?
Because I knew that this need in him, the need for answers, ran deep.
And had been a part of him for much longer than his love for me.
Finally, he spoke.