If I lost you, I'd surely lose myself completely...
Part 1
"Jinx be careful!" I shouted as the 14-year-old walked across the amazing hideout I had accidently found. She walked down the narrow turbine blade to get to the thicker end. I followed shifty after not wanting her to lose her foot. I would have expected her to outgrow her clumsiness by now but now after 6 years she is still as goofy as she always was – just a little extra here and there.
"I am you worry wart! Not my fault your old self can't keep up"
"Aye! I'm 25 I'm not fucking old!" I was honestly hurt she thought 25 was old, if I was old, how old did she think Silco was? Elderly? I shook my head as I plopped down on the couch, I managed to drag out of our old storage room all the way up here. She made her way over to the small desk she set up down here to make as her workspace. She was getting older and as much as she says she loves Silco I knew deep down she wanted a break from her father every so often so when I found this place, she was the first person I told. She hopped around like a bunny when I first showed it to her; excited was an understatement. My eyes drifted over to the large Mylo doll she had laid up against the wall along with a smaller Claggor doll – which happen to be wearing his goggles. I'd admit when Jinx sent me to retrieve them, I nearly broke down at just the sight of them.
(FLASHBACK)
"You want me to what?" I asked looking up at the blue haired teen. She twirled her fingers over each other to calm her nerves. It was like something was eating her alive. After the night Jinx confided in me, I kept a very close eye on her and realized it wasn't just the voices she heard. She had visions – Mylo and Claggor seem to haunt her every waking moment (schizophrenia). I could only do so much to help her plaguing thoughts.
"I know it's a stupid idea - shut up the both of you I need to think!" she bite her at her fingernails only to stop when I placed my hands in the way and smiled.
"-you just want his goggles?"
"Yes!" she shouted seeming to catch a moments peace from the bickering only she could hear. I nodded at her request. It hopefully shouldn't be that hard – ever since the cannery accident Silco had bought blocks around it keeping people from going anywhere near it. I sure I could ask for permission to grab them.
"Okay, I'll let Sil-"
"No, please don't tell him. I already asked and he told me no and that it was childish" I sighed knowing those probably weren't his exact words, but I knew her brain understood things differently so maybe that's really how she heard it. "You have to go by yourself, you can make it back before night fall if you hurry"
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"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to get rid of me" she rolled her eyes at my comment. I only smiled wanting to tease her more but knew it would be better to do as she asked, so I could return even quicker; so I pulled her into a tight hug. "I'll be back soon" I bent down to place a quick kiss on her forehead before heading to my room to get one of my suits – hoping no one saw me sneaking out.
-
"It really hasn't changed..." I swallowed loudly as the crab cannery came into my view. The building remained untouched since that day, the front doors were still locked since the trap – I had my suspensions Silco was the man behind the whole incident ever since I woke up and saw Urgot; so I can see how he could be behind Vander's kidnapping. Even Sevika talks about how she lost her arm in Jinx's bomb trying to protect Silco. I hated myself mostly for not hating him...but I could hate him.
If he was such an evil guy and wanted all of them dead, why did he save Jinx? Why risk his life to save me? Silco talks all the time about how Vander was like a brother to him and how he wanted nothing more than to have him back at his side, but Vander changed – and just like Violet, I guess family doesn't mean what it used to, and they left them. I walked around to building the large pile of trash I had once fallen in still littered the cannery's left side. I sighed as my brain shot pain through my leg to make me remember. I shook my head and continued on my walk to the back of the building, then the right side – Jinx said she found Violet outside. My eyes quickly noting the large hole in the cannery wall as well as s few wooden boards to block it off. It was like something, or someone jumped through the wall. My gaze drifted down the small trash that drifted by my feet as I looked around for the goggles, I was told they were last seen in the alley as well. A smile spending on my face when my eyes landed on them only to quickly fall when I saw they laid on other person's head.
"What are you doing here?" I glared at the homeless man as he glared down at me, as if I was the one somewhere I shouldn't have been. "This is my home! Leave!"
"This was a murder scene; you need to leave."
"Murder?! I'll show you murder!" I stood to my feet as the man readied to swing a bottle at me. "I didn't do anything! Who sent you!"
"What are you talking about?"
"-so you admit you're an enforcer!"
"Dude, as -" I shut up as the bottle was chunked at me. "Hey! Do some stupid shit like that again, and you'll regret it! I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt old man!"
"I don't need an enforcers pity!" he shouted running to grab another throwable piece of trash off the ground. Why did he insist I was an Enforcer?!
"I just came here to find those goggles you are wearing!" I yelled pointed at the bloody googles that decorated his forehead.
"These?" he asked as he brought them down over his eyes.
"Stop... don't wear them" he only laughed at my request.
"Or what! They are mine! I've been wearing them for 6 years!" I frowned at this information. He was right 6 years Jinx and I have been with Silco yet, that meant 6 years since their deaths. 6 long months
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Mylo teases Jinx and Claggor plagued Jinx's mind for his eyewear - just for this man to be wearing them as if they were nothing. I tried my best to keep my blood from rising, but the man's laughing at my dismay only fueled my anger. I let my left hand be consumed in fire once more as the man was too busy laughing to even notice then my right hand lite up as well. I formed Mylo's finger gun before mimicking a shot next to the man head only for a quick bullet of fire to fly past the man. Oh, I didn't think that would actually work. "Wh-What was that?! What are you!"
"Give me the goggles"
"Wh-What?! You're going to kill me over some googles?!" he shouted as if he wasn't the one who started it by throwing the bottle.
"Don't care, and if I have to... then yes I will" his mouth fell open as he yanked the metal from his head and chunking it at me. I had to calm down instantly to dissipate my flames to catch the eyewear – not wanting it to touch the ground, or worse incinerate them.
"Take them! I don't need them! You hear me and don't even think of coming back!" I glared up at the man through my lashes only to watch him shuffle on his feet to leave my sight. My eyes drifting back down to the bloody goggles in my hand. 6 years and it was still covered in Claggor's blood – why didn't he wash it at least. I squeezed the eyewear to my chest as I just let the tears fall.
"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... 6 years huh? You would have been what 21 Clag, Vi and Mylo would both be 19 right about now... You think Mylo would have grown up by now? H-Ha, I doubt it...I miss you guys, I miss you so fucking much it hurts!" I whimper not being able to do anything but squeeze the goggles tighter in my grasp. "L-Let's go home" I pulled myself to my feet – not even remembering when I sank to my knees to begin my long agonizing walk home.
((Mylo was the same age as Violet just a few months younger, Claggor was the oldest being 2 years older than them – or at least that's how I see them))
(END OF FLASHBACK)
I was honestly glad I went instead of Jinx. There was no telling how she's reacted to that stranger wearing Claggor's stuff when she had them whispering in her ears– that's a lie, I knew what she would have done. She would have shot that man up like a Christmas tree before he even was able to grab the bottle. Which was another reason I was glad I went. Silco would not have been pleased to have to pay off Enforcers and/or the Lanes for the disturbance. Plus it was great practice since now I didn't even have to bring firework on missions, I could form the fire in my hands and didn't need to push them through a barrel to compress and strengthen the shot. Jinx on the other hand wasn't so happy, she was just upset saying firework would do nothing but collect dust now – so for her happiness I bring her (the weapon not Jinx) every so often. I pulled myself off the couch as I made my way over to her, glancing down at her work. She had finished up Fishbones a few months back and was now just coloring him.
"Perfect! What do you think Phoenix?" I nodded my head at her now second brightly colored weapon – as if a pink minigun named Pow-Pow wasn't enough. I'm just glad she hadn't colored my
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flamethrower yet. What would she even paint on it? More fire?
"He looks great, Jinx" she smiled at my comment as she finished cleaning him off before slipping him back on his stand. "Hey, I'm going to start heading back okay" I finished knowing I couldn't just leave without telling her.
"Okay, I'll be home later if Silco asks...and oh, don't worry about making me anything. I'll figure it out when I get home" she said as her eyes never left her desk. I gave her a shoulder hug before climbing my way out the hideout and down the streets of Zaun.
~
I pushed open our large doors before slipping inside the home. It's warmth welcoming back as always. I made my way to the kitchen grabbing a small bag or anything to snack on while I went to my room to grab fresh clothes wanting nothing more than a shower from all that walking and climbing, I had to do earlier; maybe I even go visit my bunny later~
"Oh hey, when did you get home?" I turned to face a henchman.
"A little over 5 minutes ago, why?"
"Awesome! Can you take these to Sir. Silco!" he smiled happily as he slipped a handful of papers into my hands.
"W-What? Why can't you?"
"He likes you the most, everyone knows that" the henchman all most scoffed out as if it was painfully obvious how different Silco treated me compared to the others, but I just didn't see it. He cared for all his loyal men equally.
"I guess..." I sighed having to put a pin in my shower as I now made my way to the man himself.
I pushed the door open with my back before turning to face Silco. He was leaning back in his chair watching my every step like always. I really need to get him a lamp or something that little one on his desk wasn't cutting it anymore. I had to squint in hopes I could see any wires or papers that littered the floor knowing I was just as clumsy as Jinx if not worse when I was around Silco. I set them on his desk releasing a much-deserved sigh from me.
"Do not tell me you really held your breath as to not trip, Phoenix" my face heated up at his words as I placed my hands on my hips glaring at him.
"So? What if I did?" he only stared at me a bet before his laughter consumed him. My eyes soften at his joyful appearance; no doubt my face was only getting redder.
"You and Jinx with your two left feet – adorable" my ears almost perked up at the word. Adorable? Since when did Silco think I was adorable? Jinx I could understand, but me? I tucked some loose curls behind my ears as my eyes shifted down to the ground. He seemed to notice as a sigh reached my ears. "- you do know you don't have to hide your face every time you get flushed"
"I'm not flustered!" he raised a brow at my words as his eyes now locked with mine. I could only watch him in confusion as he pushed himself off his usual seat. He walked around his desk so he was in front of it, letting his body adjust so he could rest his tall frame against it his hands resting in his pockets.
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"Are you sure?" he slipped his right hand out from his pocket cupping under my chin, as he lift my head to meet his towering gaze. His left hand slowly finding its way around my waist.
"I...I have to take a shower!" my brain telling my body to run before he could tease me anymore. Silco's soft laughter filled my ears as his door slid shut behind me. I made my way to my room before closing the door and letting my body slip to the ground. My heart now racing in my ears as my hands shook with adrenalin. What was he going to do?! My shaky hand reaching up to brush against my lips. He wasn't...he wasn't going to kiss me, was he? My brain quickly recalling the memory of his face while he gazed down at me, resulting in a shiver running down my spine. I puffed my cheeks and pulled myself to my feet before grabbing a change of clothes and heading to the showers.
A disappointed sigh left my lips as I exited the showers. All Silco did was get my body going – that's all he ever does! He didn't even have to do it on purpose that was the magic of it all! I figured I could satisfy my needs with a shower, but all it did was fuel my frustration more. I rubbed the towel over my wet curls as I made my way back to my room to slip on my shoes; there was only one place I knew would help with these growing needs – now it makes since why I became a regular.
~
"Phoenix! Which one do you think Silco would enjoy more?" Jinx asked as he held up two ash trays – since she replaced his glass one with a small wooden bowl and he had been to busy to get a real ashtray. I glanced between the two glass pieces and sighed.
"Why can't he buy his own again?" Sevika asked with a sigh, causing Jinx to puff her cheeks at the taller woman.
"Jinx you are the most creative person I know, why not just make him one" I asked watching her eyes light up as she ran to grab my arms.
"You are a genius!" she cheered leaving to go grab her colors and a simple dark wooden tray for her plans. I smiled following shifty behind her as she dashed around the streets happily. Silco had asked me to take Jinx out for a while, since he had some meeting with a client or something; for some reason he didn't give me as much information as he normally did, but he was his own being. A yawn escaped my lips as I trailed behind her. I watched as she turned on her heels to face me along with Sevika.
"If you're tried, you can head home. I got Jinx don't worry" I looked between the two. Even though Sevika tells me constantly that Jinx did nothing but bug her, she went out of her way to make Jinx happy and that was enough for me.
"Are you sure? I can hold off a little while longer"
"It's okay, honest. I can watch Sevika easily" I laughed at Jinx's words while Sevika only rolled her eyes.
"Okay, if you say so...be back before it gets late. I'll make dinner for us so don't worry" I smiled as I waved them off before turning back around to head back to our home.
I quickly noticed all the lights appeared to be off through the windows; was everyone asleep or something? Why were all the lights off? I made my way to my room to remove my sneakers wanting my slippers instead; noticing Urgot was missing from his room as well as all the henchmen. Didn't Silco have a meeting? Who was going to protect him if it was a trap?! I quickly made my way
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to Silco's office door, I knocked knowing better to enter on a man who had a whole building to himself – thanks for that Roc.
"Silco? Where is ev- Oh...I'm sorry" I froze as I noticed two silhouettes in the room instead of its normal lonely one. My eyes had adjusted to see a widen eyed Silco staring back at me while the back of a pale woman faced me. Her long brunette hair cascading down her back as she stared up at him. Her long manicured hands traveling up his topless torso.
"-Phoenix!"
"I-I'm sorry! I didn't know you had company! My apologizes!" the woman shifted her weight causing her hair to shift and she looked over her shoulder at me. I could see one of her bright brown eyes as it seemed to glare at my very existence.
"-then leave" Silco attention fell back on the woman as she finally spoke aloud. Her voice was like silk but so intimidating – as if she was holding a gun to my head. I just shut my eyes trying not to let my weakness show as I pulled his door shut.
"-my apologizes..."
"Phoenix!" I shut the door before another word could reach my ears. I let my feet move on their own as they lead me to my room. Why was I so upset? It's not even like we are together! He can date and fuck who ever he wanted...so then why did it hurt so much to see him staring down lustfully at another woman! AH! Does he even care when I do it? Why did he look so hurt to see them there! I slipped my sneakers back on my hands still shaking from what I just witnessed. How she been here before? How long has he been calling people like that over?!
HA! As if he would actually like you!
If he actually cared, he would have done something 6 YEARS AGO!
YOU'RE JUST JINX'S BABYSITTER! AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT! HA-HA!
I bite down on my lip; hard enough to draw blood. The bitter iron taste slowly bringing me back to my sense. A heavy sigh then followed as I wiped my face clean of tears. I didn't own Silco...I had no right to act this way. I pushed myself to my feet and went for the entrance of the building. I guess I could go visit my Johnny boy and Crystal Bunny – yeah, they would make me feel batter. A sadly chuckle left my lips as a forced myself to march on, my only help at the moment was a brothel – how pitiful.
~
I kept my eyes to the ground as I made my way into the back where my favorites resided. As I made my way through the pink atmospheric environment, I noticed the concerned looking owner: Babette. She was the owner of the brothel as well as an old friend of Vander's – she loved that I was still alive and well but wasn't a fan of who I worked for and with.
"Is something the matter Babette?" she sighed bringing her long pipe up to her mouth before she motioned her head towards the back telling me to follow. She lead me into her small room before we both found a seat.
"I'm assuming you're here for you're regulars?"
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"Oh? Are they out today? It's okay I can alwa-" she raised her hand telling me to pause my speech before she continued her words.
"-Crissy has been missing for almost a week now" my eyes widen at her words. "-a regular of hers made a house call and she hasn't been heard since. John is scared to even return since the person who called Crissy is now trying to reach out to him"
"Do the Enforcers know?!"
"Honey, enforcers wont even hear us out unless they were paid too..." she answered with a sigh. My blood boiled, why did everyone just accept the lives we lived! "Listen I'm only telling you this because I know you and Crissy were close-"
"Who called her"
"huh?"
"Their name, their address. Something Babette!"
"Oh no, I didn't tell you this so you can go out on a recuse mission"
"If I don't help her who will?!" I shouted standing to my feet. Her eyes remained locked with mine for a while before she sighed and hopped to her feet and over to her cabinet to pull out anything that could help me.
"...If you get hurt or worse killed, Silco will kill me" I smiled at her excuse.
"Then I wont get hurt, thanks again for this. I'll have Crissy back soon!" I shouted as I left her office my eyes scanning the small paper in my hands. Anything was better than going back to face him right now.
(JINX POINT OF VIEW)
I waited for Sevika to catch up to me so she could open the door for me to enter. She only rolled her eyes at my request – whenever Phoenix wasn't around, I had the privilege of bossing Sevika around and she couldn't refuse! I was greeted to an empty home causing the smile on my face to fall.
"HA! Look at the stupid expression on your face!"
I shook Mylo from my mind as I focused on the dark room surrounding me. Sevika seemed to notice the uneasiness as well because without a word she moved my body behind hers as she advanced into the home. I cursed quietly to myself for not bringing Pow-Pow or Fishbones. We could hear faint shouting causing us to raise a brow. Did Phoenix and Silco get into an argument? They never fight, who is arguing? I pushed Sevika to my side running off ahead of her.
"J-Jinx! Wait!" she ordered only for me to ignore her as my body made its way to Silco's office door. I paused outside of it listening to the two people arguing within.
"-so now you want me to leave?!"
"Yes"
"Are you fucking mental? All because some little girl opened the door?!" a woman shouted at Silco with anger. "-you can't be serious!"
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"-does it look like I'm laughing?" I pushed open the door to see a tall brunette woman glaring with anger at Silco as she slipped her top back over her head. Her eyes locking with me for a second.
"Who is she now!"
"My daughter-"
"Your- I'm done. I'm so done. First you have women who don't knock around here and now you have a whole child!" the woman shouted as she made her way past me. First woman? Did she mean Phoenix? Silco released a sigh letting a hand slide through his hair as he went to button up his shirt – that's when it hit me.
"Did Phoenix see you?" he froze at the mention of her name.
"She might have..." my face twisted in anger as I threw the ashtray I made him to the ground – upset I got wood and wished it was glass so it would break once more. "Wha-"
"You're an idiot, Silco" his eyes widen at Sevika's statement. I turned to see Sevika had made her way into the room as well standing behind me with her arms crossed. "You do know that girl has been head over heels for you for nearly 4 years" he froze once more at the information.
"Sevika!"
"I told Phoenix she needs to tell him herself, he is blind" Sevika groaned as she pulled out a cigar to fill her lungs with its cursed smoke. "-poor girl probably crying her eyes out, that or..." I sent her a worried expression.
"-or what?"
"She could have gone to visit Crystal" Sevika finished.
"Crystal, who is that?" Silco asked being the odd man out. I only nodded at Silco's question.
"Her stage name is Crystal. Her real name is Crissy-"
"She's at Babette's Brothel?!" Silco hissed, not liking Phoenix around people who hung around Vander. Sevika only nodded at his words watching his eyes scan his office as if to find any evidence it wasn't true.
"-You can believe me or not Silco. Phoenix and I are regulars, so you can either sit there or help me go find her" Sevika's eyes trailed down to me for a second.
"What?"
"Uh, just don't touch anything. Phoenix wont forgive me for bringing you, but you would just follow us if we left you...would you?"
"Ha-ha, Oh yeah. I'd definitely follow you guys"
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