Beta was standing outside the airport waiting for his mom to pick him up. The luggage he packed was at his side. His mom was overjoyed when he said he wanted to come home. Last year, he refused to even set one foot inside his home for the holidays. He feared her reaction of telling her that he was planning to never go back to school. Well at least not permanently. He left his dorm nicely cleaned and organized to the best of his ability before leave. Made it easy to pack up later.
A notification on his phone made him look down.
"We should go to our favorite restaurant! Like old times."
It brought a smile to his face. It was Senpai. The day after their call, they have been texting more and it has been nice. Beta got to learn more about what has been happening at home.
He hoped his mother would just accept that he was just a disappointment that wasn't made for higher education. He hoped that she'd be semi-okay with everything happening.
These thoughts would be put into practice soon as a car spinned over to the side on the curve of the airport. Without warning, Senpai jumped out and collided with him with a bone crushing hug. This greatly surprised him. He didn't know Senpai was going to be with her. The hug kept getting tighter and tighter.
"Surprise!"
"Jesus man, you are going to make me pass out!"
"I'm sorry! I am just really happy to see you!"
A middle aged woman got out of the car to join them.
"Hey mom..."
"Beta, oh my god what is with that dye job? Please fix it!"
"Oh my goddd stoppp. I love you too," Beta rolled his eyes. He did actually agree with her that this messy hairstyle was long overdue to go.
She joined Senpai in the embrace.
"I love you, hon. I am glad you are visiting. We all missed you."
"Haha, yeah," It made him so happy to hold the both of them again but he had the sinking feeling that he didn't deserve this. Not at all. "I'm guessing Alpha isn't here, right?"
"Your older brother is an extremely busy man, Beta. There are a lot of important things he has to take care of. He will come visit on Thanksgiving," His mother said, stepping away as both her and Senpai finally let go of him.
"Alright..." Beta muttered, honestly not too happy about his arrival.
"Alpha is a hard ass," Senpai let out an awkward laugh.
"Damn right he is" Their mom stated. "He always felt like he had a lot on his shoulders."
"It's fine," Beta exhaled, chucking as Senpai pulled him into another hug - "We'll have more fun without him anyway."
"Beta! Don't say that!" his mother scolded him, but it fell upon deaf ears as Senpai and his older twin laughed together. Beta felt a long forgotten feeling rise from deep inside of him... It was the feeling of love and appreciation. He was really glad to be back home, talking to his family again.
They didn't seem to hate him as much as he always told himself they did. Part of him realized it was pretty mean to assume something like that from his family. He'd definitely still talk to Senpai about it later when they got home, but for now, all his worries faded away as Senpai guided him to the car, their mother following close behind.
———
"You aren't staying the night?" Beta asked as he swung his suitcase on his bed. They were in his old bedroom. A bedroom that even Senpai used to share with him before Alpha moved out. His mom must have deep cleaned it, he never saw it so perfect.
"I have a bunch of study groups to attend to in the morning, finals coming up and man I'm stressed out."
"Ha, you will do fine."
"I'll be back tomorrow night though!" Senpai smiled, waving dismissively, - "Pfff as if, the profs are gonna run my ass through, hah."
"Yeah," Beta chuckled but then he felt himself frown as his eye met with an old poster. The amount of hours he just spent alone staring at that poster. It was nice talking again with his brother but he couldn't ignore what happened between them. Senpai seemed to just let everything go but he just couldn't.
"Senpai."
"Hm? What is with that look on your face?"
"I just... Have a quick question."
"What's wrong?"
"Why did you cut me off in high school?" Beta knew that his question was very out of the blue, but he couldn't help himself but ask.
"Huh?"
"Why did you leave me behind and not care about me?"
"Wait, what? The hell are you talking about?"
Beta took in a deep breath, he should have expected this.
"Senpai stop playing dumb. Please don't tell me you blame ME for not talking anymore."
"But...," Senpai laughed nervously, "but it is your fault."
"How is it my fault?" Beta exhaled audibly, staring at Senpai with disbelief in his eyes. Flashbacks to his stupid dream caused his eyes to close momentarily, his fingers rubbing at his forehead in frustration. The faint memory of Senpai's death kept him from getting too mad at him. He prayed that Senpai wouldn't start a physical fight.
"You stopped talking to me!" His younger twin responded, the anger in his voice becoming more audible - "No matter how many times I called you to tag along with me and my friends, you always canceled the plans! And then one day you started looking weird and ugly!"
"Well fuck you too!" Beta said. Of course this wasn't going well. "Don't pretend that your so-called friends didnt talk badly about me! A-And you played along with them."
"But they were right! You changed yourself just so you can push other people away by scaring them. You were mean to me too and I had to talk to someone about it!"
"Senpai I was depressed," Beta emphased, "I still fucking am! Some days I feel like I don't want to even exist. How didn't you notice?"
"I-" Senpai inhaled, stopping for a moment, clearly at a loss for words. Beta assumed that he'd finally step down and apologize for once in his life, but it seemed like he was proven wrong once again. - "Why didn't you tell me then, huh? Why did you keep it a secret for so long?"
"Senpai," He exhaled, "Just stop. If you had more than a little bit of brains in your head, you'd realize that my behavior wasn't just 'rowdy teen behavior'. Do I need to spell everything out for you?"
"What the fuck? I'm not stupid!" Senpai said, shaking his head as he crossed his arms, "It's not my fault you shut me out of your lif-"
"Senpai." Beta interrupted him, causing the younger to shut up immediately. - "I know this isn't easy for you to understand cuz' you don't deal with it, but please, at least try to put yourself in my shoes."
Senpai stayed quiet for a short while, Beta watched as something inside of him shifted slowly. From his eyes softening up to his shoulders relaxing, Senpai's signature anger seemed to fade bit by bit while Beta spoke.
"I didn't tell anyone cuz' I felt like a waste of space. I felt like I was a burden to you and everyone around me. I missed dad every day and I thought that was stupid because no one else cared. I didn't want to seem like a pussy."
Stupid tears managed to break the surface of his eyes; Beta blinked repeatedly in frustration as he cursed himself for getting emotional. This is great, now his younger brother will just laugh at him. How pathetic...
Although, the expected reaction never came. Instead, he flinched when he was met with a pair of arms wrapping around him. When did Senpai move so close in front of him? Beta had no idea, all that mattered in this moment was the soft embrace of family that lingered on him.
"I didn't know," Senpai whined out, "I didn't know!"
"Hey, it's fine..." Beta comforted him, despite being the one close to tears. He smiled weakly, remembering the times he'd fall on his face in the sandpit when he was very young. Senpai would rush over to him, asking if he was alright while crying - even if Beta should have been the one to cry at that moment.
"What happened happened, you can't change the past now," Beta said, although that sentence left a bitter taste in his mouth somehow...
"Y-Yeah, I guess you're right..." Senpai said, letting go of him - "Still... Are you gonna talk to mom about it?"
"Yeah, I think...," Bata exhaled, "I think I need to go and see someone. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time. I probably need to tell Alpha too."
His younger brother inhaled sharply; "Good luck getting through to him..."
"Thanks, I'll need it."
There was now silence between them. Beta didn't know what to do. He just wanted to be left alone again as he looked away.
"Beta.." he heard Senpai crack out.
"...Yeah."
"I have to get going. It's getting dark and mom doesn't like me walking back in the dark."
"Yeah."
"I'll text you when I get back, okay? If you need me to be there when you talk to mom I'll do it."
"Thank you."
"...And I love you. I love you a lot even when I tried to pretend it was fine with us not talking anymore. I knew I was lying to myself. You will always be my other half."
Beta found a whine built up in his throat as he heard those words. They only made him hug the other tighter, refusing to let go for a short moment. Despite needing to leave, Senpai didn't seem to mind much as he returned the favor wholeheartedly. But both knew that their time was limited, so they were forced to separate eventually.
Beta watched from upstairs as Senpai said his goodbye to their mom before smiling at him, wishing him the best before leaving through the front door. Somehow it felt weird to watch him go. He knew well what would be waiting for him now as he himself went downstairs. It was time for that dreadful conversation with his mother. It was bound to happen at some point, might as well do it now.
Honestly, getting it done and over with seemed like the best course of action - especially now that it was just her and Beta at home. Maybe his good luck with Senpai would carry to her.
He walked back to the living room, seeing that his mother was relaxing and watching a TV program of some sort. He flopped down on the couch with her, unsure on how to really get the conversation going.
"Uhm, mom?" he called, awkwardly as his eyes fixated on the floor.
"What's wrong sweetie?" She glanced over before picking up the remote to turn down the volume.
"I need to talk..." He exhaled, rubbing his forehead with his fingertips as he thought about what to say next; - "It's about college and that shit."
"Bub, cool it with the language a little bit, okay? I am having friends over tomorrow, it isn't appropriate."
"But I... Ugh, never mind."
"What is it? Are your grades falling behind?"
"Mom..." Beta took a deep breath. He had to just rip the bandage off. " They aren't just falling behind, they are buried six feet under a garbage dump. I can't do it."
He saw a twitch at her lips.
"Beta..."
"Listen, I know about my future and all but college isn't for me. I can't do it."
"There are a lot of things people say they can't do but they push through it. You brothers are doing it. I did it. Your father..."
"I'm not like you guys! I'm my own person. Fuck..." he hissed.
"What exactly do you plan on doing then? Working at some gas station for the rest of your life?"
"Mom, I don't know! I just know I can't do it anymore!"
"Listen, mister, I have already paid so much for you to go there. Do you know how much of a struggle it was for me to do that? Your brothers didn't have to put me through that with how hard they worked to get full rides. I didn't raise you like this! You need to stop being so lazy."
"Stop comparing me to them!"
"Well some standards have to be set somewhere. Goddess I wish your dad was here to set you straight. I'm so disappointed right now."
He felt an anger arise inside of him.
"Mom, I'm an adult I can make my own
life decisions."
"You clearly cannot, this is idiotic."
"I know I'm idiotic, that's why I'm dropping out!"
"Beta, please! Just think-"
"NO! I have already made my decision! And there is nothing you can do about it! Since I was born there was nothing I could do to measure up to Sen and Al, so what is the point?! I'm done! If you don't want to associate yourself with me because of that, then fine. I'll text one of my old friends and crash with them!"
"WHY would you think I wouldn't want to be part of your life?! You are my son, I love you!"
"Whatever. Ugh I'm going to my room so don't bother me! I'll be out of your hair by morning so you never have to see me again," Beta pushed back tears as he hurried to the stairs and rushed up.
"Beta, wait!"
He didn't care as he shoved open the door of his room. It hurt but he knew this was good. This was so much better than pretending to be something he wasn't. He loved his mom and his brothers but just doing everything they wanted wasn't good to repair things that were broken. Beta wasn't going to bend backwards to fix everything, if they weren't going to put any effort either that was on their shoulders.
It wasn't all his fault.
Still, it terrified him about what the future was going to hold for him.