"Umm..." I said trying to fill in the silence as my brain tried to think of what to say to him. "Maybe, I don't know. I've only known him like a couple weeks."
"Oh right," he nodded. "Your name's Alden?"
"Yeah."
"Cool. I'm Roman. I've seen you before actually. At college, I think. You have that pretty friend with the cool purple hair."
"Dahlia. She's a lesbian." Now I didn't usually go around announcing people's sexuality to other people, but he just called her pretty and it made me want to make it clear that he didn't have a chance with her. I was kidding myself if I thought I had a chance with him though. For all I know, he could be as straight as they come.
"Oh...okay. Cool. Umm...I'm bi so I'm not like homophobic or something." Okay, so maybe he's not as straight as they come. Only like half straight unless his percentages were a little uneven. Bi people have percentages or something right?
"I'm gay." Seriously. Our first conversation ever and the only thing I could talk about was sexualities.
"Okay, umm...I have a cousin who's gay?" he questioned like it was some game where we had to keep taking turns saying ever LGBTQ+ person we knew.
"Cool..." He chuckled probably a little confused.
"This isn't usually the kind of conversation I have with new people," he admitted.
"Neither." Apparently, I couldn't say a sentence that was more than one or two words around this guy.
"Okay, well...you want a drink?" he offered. I just nodded my head and let him grab us both a random beer from the fridge. "C'mon, don't wanna be caught with these when whoever they belong to comes back in here to grab one."
"Shit, yeah. Let's go upstairs," I offered finally saying more words. I was mostly just panicking that Arwyn would come looking for me and disturb us when I finally had a chance to talk to the guy I'd been admiring since year 12. I'd have to thank Charlie later when I got the chance.
"You know where you're going?" Roman asked as we ascended the stairs careful not to step on couples that had decided this would be their mating ground.
"No idea, it's my first time here," I admitted. "That weirdo you met earlier, that was Charlie my foster brother. This place belongs to one of is mates."
We wondered in one of the first rooms we saw hoping it was empty. When we noticed that it was and that there was a small balcony, we obviously made our way over and sat down on the balcony floor.
"Yeah, a mate of mine told me and a bunch of our other mates to come. You know they have a game's room here? That's where we were. I kept losing at the pool table though."
"Don't you wanna go back to them?"
"I'm alright. I've found a balcony, why would I want to be anywhere else."
"Yeah, balconies are pretty cool." I smiled.
We didn't say anything for a bit after that. Roman was just quiet and I had no idea how to carry the conversation. I was worried that I'd just blurt out that I fancied him so I decided to keep my mouth shut until he said something else. In the meantime, as he looked up at the sky and the what seemed to be a large back garden below us, I tried counting the moles on his face now that I was close enough to see them more clearly. He had one which sat on the left side edge of his cupid's bow which I'd noticed before, and then above the arch of his right eyebrow, one on his cheekbone, and then just a few random freckles dotted about.
"Can't hear the music much from here," he commented.
"I guess not..."
"Don't like drum and bass much anyway."
"What do you like?" I asked final braving a question.
"Umm, all kinds of stuff. I mean I do like drum and bass as well actually but like, only at a club or something. Like when everyone's all crowded together and the beat drops and you can feel the floor vibrate from everyone dancing."
I shrugged. "I haven't been clubbing."
"You should definitely go some time."
I nodded in acknowledgment and then things were quiet again. God, I was the worst conversationalist ever. I didn't know how to talk to people properly sometimes unless they talked to me first. It didn't help that I had a kind of crush on this guy, so I was feeling nervous around him and the more I didn't talk the more nervous I got knowing that he was just going to start thinking I was the most boring person on the planet.
"Is Dahlia gonna be okay with you telling me she's a lesbian?" he asked.
"Oh, yeah," I said. "I mean she's out, so she doesn't care who knows. I don't really know why I said it though. That was pretty weird, sorry."
"Nah, I'm glad otherwise I would have probably tried to talk to her if she's here." To say I was crushed was an understatement.
"Well now you're stuck with me," I tried to say in a jokey way, but it came out a little bit more bitter than intended.
"Well, that's okay. I like gingers too," he said with a subtle smile.
"Uhh, thanks," I responded too stunned to say anything else. He chuckled in response and gulped down some of his beer.
"Umm, you know how I said I was bi earlier?"
"Yeah."
"Can you not tell anyone please."
"Why not?"
"Well, that's the first time I've actually told anyone. I only kind of figured it out recently."
"Oh...why did you tell me then?"
"Well, felt like we were all announcing our sexualities so I thought I might as well," he joked. "And... you know when things just build up inside you for ages to the point where you're like a volcano that's just waiting to explode?" I nodded. "Well, I just really wanted to explode. Like, my friends that are girls, they were talking about celebrity crushes and how hot Timothee Chalamet is hot, and I just wanted to tell them that I thought he was a little too skinny and how hot I find a young Johhny Depp. I mean Johnny Depp is fit even now."
I smiled. "Agreed. But why didn't you just tell them then? Are you worried they won't accept you?"
"I know they'd accept me," he sighed.
"Then?"
"I'm worried things will change." He started scratching at the label on his beer bottle. "With my boys," he clarified.
"Oh."
"Do you think it will?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Dahlia's my only friend really. And I guess Charlie now, but he's technically meant to be a brother more than a friend."
Roman nodded disappointed like I was going to have the answer to all his problems only to let him down. "How come you're in foster care then?" he asked. At least it wasn't the dreaded scar question even though I could see he was glancing at my neck trying not to appear obvious.
"Long story," I replied not really wanting to answer him.
"Right, sorry. None of my business."
I lost myself for a moment in the absurdity of the situation I was in. Yesterday I had no real hope of ever even being in close vicinity to Roman Kingsley and here we were now; beers on a balcony as he opens up to me about things he hasn't even told his friends yet. I wonder if it will mean anything in the end.
"What's something you'd do if you weren't afraid?" he asked.
"That's pretty deep," I responded. Apparently, we were having a real heart to heart.
"Sorry, I know it's a loaded question. I don't know, I just want to make conversation..."
"Why?" I questioned. Why would Roman want to make conversation with me? Why did he even follow me up here or get me a drink?
He shrugged. "You know my biggest secret. I know it may not be that big, but it feels big to me. So, I don't know, I want to talk to someone where I don't feel the pressure to be a certain way."
I looked down at my still untouched beer and gulped some of it down at last. I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and looked out at the garden that stretched before us. There was a half empty bird feeder hanging from a tree and a wind chime sounding from somewhere, though I couldn't place where exactly. "What would I do if I weren't afraid?" I whispered. "I would let go of the things holding me back. I would let myself be happy and not remember the things in my past and maybe kiss someone I wanted to." The last part just slipped out but I kind of hoped maybe Roman would get the hint.
"Those are all good things. You should do them in fact," he encouraged.
"Well, those are the thing's I'd do if I wasn't afraid. But I am afraid. So, I can't do them."
"I still think you should. Except maybe the forgetting the past thing. Our past makes us who we are doesn't it? "
"What would you do?" I asked trying to put the attention on him. "If you weren't afraid."
He sighed. "I'd let things change."
If I weren't afraid, then I would kiss him. I could reach over right now, brush a stray lock of hair out of his eyes, trace his lips with my tongue and trail ever mole I see with my fingers, and then I'd kiss him. But I was only brave enough to imagine and too scared to let myself get invested in someone. Maybe if Roman were someone else, I would have done it. I could kiss Arwyn easily an many others before him. Perhaps because in truth, I didn't care much for them.
"Change can be scary," I concluded. I knew it was because I'd felt that fear from the moment that man took my family from me when I was a child.
"Maybe I just need to be brave."
"Maybe."
He nodded his head as if he'd made up his mind about something. "Will you come with me?" he asked standing up and holding out a hand for me to grab.
"Umm...okay. What are we doing?"
"I'm being brave. And maybe you could come with me so if this goes horribly wrong, then I have someone to just be there with me. If that's okay?"
I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but this was Roman, and I wanted him to like me even a little, so I agreed and followed him back downstairs. The couples making out on the stairs were different now. One was even Dahlia with some blonde girl. I don't think she noticed as I walked by her, she was too preoccupied with her hand on the girl's thigh dangerously close to something else.
Roman still hadn't let go of my hand, and he didn't even as we made our way to the games room where his friends were still hanging about. Most of them I recognised from the same table Roman sat at during lunch times with a couple unfamiliar faces here and there. I dragged my hand out of Roman's grasp when his friends noticed his arrival and also noticed our interlocked hands. I had no idea what possible mess I was being dragged into.
"Hey guys," Roman greeted. I noticed some of the girls look at me with sly looks on their faces, so I stared down at my feet feeling nervous.
"Hey man," a male voice greeted him. "Who's he?"
"Oh, a friend," he replied. Well, if I could end the day with Roman as a friend, then I can say I at least accomplished something here tonight. "Anyway, I came here to tell you guys that I'm bisexual. So, uhh, yeah. Okay bye."
Roman was out of there quicker than I could blink. And then suddenly here I was in this room all alone with his friends after he just delivered them a bombshell and then left. I stood there open-mouthed for about two seconds before I left too. I had no idea where Roman had wandered off too and Dahlia was busy with someone else, so I decided to try and find Charlie.
Of course, I ended up finding Arwyn instead.
~~~~~~~~~