Dedicated to @__Radiodemon
Title: Back to December
Warning: pls ignore spelling errors or anything im running on ten minutes of sleep and four monsters- i can barely see straight
~I'm so glad you made time to see me. How's life- tell me how's your family? I haven't seen them in a while.~
I sighed and shut off my phone, tossing it onto the bed next to me as I stood up and made my way over to the window that covered the entire wall of my bedroom. As I gazed out into the city that I now called home, I scoffed at myself, realizing what I was doing.
He hated being bothered. And what was I doing? Bothering him. All the time.
Though, I couldn't help it- he needed to hear what I had to say. He needed to know why I did what I did. Though I doubt he'd care- he always was too smart for everything but love- when that one thing came along, he was hopeless at it. The one thing his brain couldn't solve for him.
The one problem he couldn't solve with a simple equation. And what was I doing? Making it harder and harder for him to get over me- like he wanted. Why was I so persistent on getting him to talk to me? I didn't even know. Did I still love him? Possibly- it's not like I ever stopped.
Did I feel bad? Of course. So why was there this huge knot in my stomach whenever I thought of him actually picking up the phone on one of the three instances I called him a day? I didn't want to think about it. Instead, I just closed my curtain- eloping me into darkness- and wandered back over to my bed, throwing myself down as I stared into the darkness, hoping that my phone would light up the black hole that surrounded me.
~You've been good- busier than ever. We small talk- work and the weather. Your guard is up and I know why.~
At the sound of his phone buzzing, Donnie sighed and pulled his goggles up, resting them on top of his head as he rested his chin in his palm to listen.
"Hey, Donnie. Uh, how have you been? How's your family? April and Casey? Anyways, I just called- again- to ask you to call me back. Please. Don't let it end like this. You know I've always lov-" Donnie threw his phone at the wall, not caring as it hit the wall and then the ground, shattering and then breaking upon impact. He didn't care though- he would have it fixed just in time for her to make her next voicemail. It was always like that- (y/n) calling him and Donnie never picking up but shattering his phone whenever she started saying that she loved him and regretted what she had said to him when she left.
If she regretted it so much then why would she say it in the first place?
Donnie never understood how people could talk without realizing what they were saying- he always knew what to say. Someone was halfway through a sentence and he was already forming the perfect response- which is why it hurt so much when (y/n) left the way she did.
He just didn't understand why she would call him the one word he hated so much.
Shaking his head, he turned back to his desk, pulling his goggles down as he got to tinkering on a new invention, deciding to leave the phone alone for the time being.
(Y/n) could wait.
~Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me roses and I left them there to die.~
"What are they?" I stared at the things laying on my table in slight confusion. They were welded roses- or what looked like an attempt at them. They were crooked and some of the petals were uneven, giving it a more natural look, but I still found them ugly.
"Who are they from?" My friend asked from my fridge, where she was stealing my food. I shrugged and carefully pulled the wrapping off of them, noticing a card on the bottom. I snatched it up and dropped the metal flowers back down to the table, wincing with the audible "thunk" that caused my table to shake a little from the impact.
Shaking my head, I opened the card and searched it for anything telling me about who had sent me these. All that was written on the card was a small "D" in cursive lettering.
"It's just a "d". I called to my friend, who hummed back as she walked over to me, half a sandwich hanging out of her mouth.
"Isn't Darrel in welding? The creepy one who burned your face onto a bench two years ago? Throw them away- who knows what creepy thing he did to them." I shuddered in agreement and made my way outside the building to the dumpster that was already open, as if inviting me to give it the "gift" that I had just received. I happily obliged as I tossed them in and was surprised to see Donnie standing behind me when I turned around to go back inside.
"Hey."
~So this is me swallowin' my pride- standin'g in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night. And I go back to December all the time.~
Donnie couldn't understand what he was seeing. Why was she throwing the flowers away? It didn't make any sense. He watched her through her apartment window as she walked into the kitchen with her friend, the big bundle of welded metal flowers in her arms.
Donnie was so proud of himself- they had taken him hours to make and he had the burns on his hands and arms to prove it.
That's why he didn't expect (y/n) to read the card and immediately leave the building, heading for the trash. He had made those for her. As a gift- a confession. Was that her cruel was of saying no- turning him down? Throwing his feelings in the trash just like the flowers? It didn't make any sense.
"Hey." He said quietly as she turned around, slapping her hands together as if she'd just finished a huge task and was proud of herself. Donnie felt his heart beat uncomfortably at the thought.
"Oh, hey, Donnie. What are you doing here?" (Y/n) asked when she'd noticed it was him and not a serial killer.
Watching you throw away my gift, He wanted to say, but instead just shrugged, deciding to act clueless to get a couple of answers.
"What was that?" He asked tonelessly as he tilted his head, as if he were peering behind her. (Y/n) shifted uncomfortably and folded her arms across her chest.
"Oh, nothing. Just trash." (Y/n) took a step to the left, as if trying to hide the view of whatever he was looking at, so he just sighed and nodded.
"Trash."
~It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you-
wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine.~
I sighed as I hit the end call button again, deciding to just stop calling for the night. He was probably engrossed in his work as usual. That Donnie. I smiled and shook my head, grin fading as I remembered that he was royally mad at me.
I regretted that fight more than anything but something had been bothering me for a while. Even before we had blown up at each other, he had seemed mad at me already, like I had done something wrong before I called him- that.
I didn't understand though. I loved Donnie like a brother- more than that. If I was trying to tell him that, why was he so adamant on not hearing it at all? Like he was trying to keep me from telling him.
Donnie was a strange character but even with extent knowledge on everything about everyone and everything, he was a little- how do I put this- dumb. He was amazingly book and street smart- but when it came to bumping to people in that street- that's where it went wrong. He was horrible at communicating with anyone about anything.
That's why I was trying so hard to reach out to him- so that I could be the one to talk first that way he wouldn't be able to force a hypothesis on me like I was an experiment.
If he would just pick up the phone.
~I'd go back to December, turn around and make it
alright. I go back to December all the time.~
Donnie glanced at the clock from his chair as he worked on his phone, trying as quickly as possible to get it working again. Maybe instead of throwing the phone like a dramatic movie character, he tries throwing something else that he wouldn't have to fix four times a day. He scoffed to himself as he finally got it fixed up again, reaching down to run a hand over the screen to feel for any loose glass or cracks.
He saw the phone light up too late as his thumb hit the green button and switched to the familiar grey screen with several buttons for easy listening access. He froze and quickly tapped the "speaker" button as he dove away from the desk, beginning to pace the desk.
What had he done? He fell onto his chair and threw his face into his hands leaning over his knees as a headache began to interrupt his thoughts. And then, a voice.
"H-hello?"
~These days, I haven't been sleepin'- stayin' up, playin' back myself leavin'. When your birthday passed and I didn't call. Then I think about summer,
all the beautiful times.~
I stared at the phone in my hand, not knowing what to say.
He'd actually picked up.
I didn't think this would happen so I didn't know what to say. There was silence from the other end also, so I just stayed silent, trying to think of something to say. Then, I shrugged and- with my heart in my throat- I spoke.
"H-hello?" I cursed myself as my voice broke, the thought of tears immediately invading my senses. No, I was not going to cry right now. Especially not in this situation. I didn't have that right.
I continued listening in silence, thinking it was just a mistake- maybe he had shell-dialed me or something- but then, I heard a shuffling and a rolling sound. A picture of Donnie awkwardly using his long legs to shuffle over to the phone in his wheely chair as he muttered under his breath- probably regretting answering me.
"Hi." Was his curt reply as I heard metal scraping metal- he was working again. Probably to avoid putting his full attention and thoughts on me. Understandable, I would've done the same if I were in his position.
"Donnie, can we talk? Please? I'm begging you. No more avoiding each other- no more ignoring calls and hanging up after two rings. Please? And then I'll leave you alone." I suddenly pleaded, tears streaming down my face. I heard the metal stop and silence engulfed us for a full minute before I heard him sigh and roll a little closer as he picked up the phone and held it closer to him.
"Fine- talk."
~I watched you laughin' from the passenger's side and realized I loved you in the fall. And then the cold came, the dark days- when fear crept into my mind. You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye.~
"Why did you hate me before we fought?" I raised an eyebrow and sat up straighter in my chair as the grip around my device tightened. I forced myself to calm down so I didn't accidentally break it. We really did need to figure out what happened- well she needed to figure out where she went wrong.
I didn't do anything.
"You seriously don't know?" I asked through gritted teeth. I heard (y/n) take a deep breath and then mutter a no as I rubbed my temples, already wishing I had just left the phone broken on the floor of my lab.
"Yeah- I mean- we were so good together. Not together but you know, we were best friends! And then one night it all just ended and I have no clue why and-" I laughed then- not genuine laughter- but sarcastic a cruel and sarcastic chuckle as I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees, lazily holding the phone up to my face.
"You mean to tell me that I've been mad at you for two months and you don't even know why?" It was almost hilarious. But, then again, it wasn't. It was a sick feeling in my stomach, like I'd eaten too much pizza from the fridge. But this was was worst.
"Did you care?" I suddenly asked, not having time to fully think about what I was saying for once. Just this one time I wanted to say something without thinking and forget the consequences.
She deserved it.
She deserved everything I was about to give her.
~So this is me swallowin' my pride- standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night. And I go back to December all the time.~
"What do you mean did I care? Of course I did- that's why I've been calling you every day for two months-" I was cut off by Donnie scoffing at me, like I'd just told him that two plus two was eight.
"No, before that- before that. See, after we fought you were here in the city for another three weeks. And did you ever try to approach me once? Did you ever try to ask me why I was so hurt, (y/n)? No, you didn't. So don't pretend like you care now that you've moved 2,700 miles away and I can't see the hurt on your face."
I stayed silent. I really didn't know what to say. What was he talking about? I was giving him space. I was letting him cool off and when I left, we didn't say goodbye to each other, so why was he acting like he wasn't fifty percent of the problem?
"You know, you didn't try very hard either, Donnie. You're acting like this is all my fault when it's not. You're playing a really bad victim and-"
"I'm not playing victim, (y/n)! That's not what this is about! You hurt me- you called me the one name you promised you never would and then you never apologized and then you left. Is that playing the victim? If I had called you something awful and then left and tried calling you after, wouldn't you ignore me too? Yes, because that's a normal reaction. What's not normal is you not remembering a thing about why it happened in the first place! You don't remember that night or the stupid flowers or after and- sheesh, (y/n)- you are just such an awful person."
"Tell me what happened then. Explain to me why I'm such a bad person, Donnie. Because I have no clue what you're talking about. Please. I'm tired of fighting with you."
~It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you- wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine. I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind. I go back to December all the time.~
"It was the flowers I gave you. Those friggin flowers, (y/n). You didn't even realize we were fighting about the flowers- did you?" I dropped my head to my chest and let it rest there, flexing my sore fingers as I stretched my legs, glancing at the lab door to make sure my brothers weren't eavesdropping on my conversation.
"What flowers? You never gave me any flowers." She continued lying to me like I hadn't been there that night, watching her as she threw them in the garbage.
"Yes, I did. The welded roses that you got on your doorstep late at night. Why do you think I was there at your apartment that night, (y/n)?" That was me confessing to you through the roses and the card and you just threw them away and called them trash to my face? Mocking me like that? Really, (y/n)?"
She was silent, breathing slowly as if trying to keep tears from falling as she shifted around behind the phone screen, sniffing as if holding back tears. Her next words shocked me to the core, my heart filling with lead as the syllables registered in my brain.
"Those were from you?"
~I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile- so good to me, so right. And how you held me in your arms that September night, the first time you ever saw me cry.~
"Oh my shell, (y/n), I'm so sorry-" I cut Donnie off with a laugh, sniffing as I shifted on my bed smiling at my screen.
"It's okay, Donnie. Whether or not they were from you it was wrong of me to throw them away and I'm sorry." I heard Donnie exhale, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. I did the same, but then tensed up at the thought of what we would have to talk about next.
That argument. The one that had practically ruined our friendship- the one that had me crying for hours on end, thinking that we were done.
"Donnie-" He cut me off with a sigh.
"I know." He had also remembered the fight. It was the worst one we've ever had. Sure, we argued all the time, but those were little quarrels that we were fine with the next day- this one was different. This was screaming, crying, and harsh words that lashed invisible scars across our bodies, only visible by the tears and slight flinches that showed after they had been hacked out.
"Where should we start?" Donnie mused slowly, sighing after, like he was exhausted and just wanted to leave. I didn't blame him. I didn't really want to have this talk either.
"The beginning?" I suggested with a nervous giggle and smiled as I earned a chuckle back.
"The beginning it is then."
~Maybe this is wishful thinkin', probably mindless dreamin'. But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right. I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.~
We talked for hours after that. Understandably, there were some tears and screaming, but we always calmed down and continued our conversation- never blaming the other for what happened that day.
We also happened to confess feelings for each other that, unfortunately, we were not willing to act on just yet. We had just gotten out of a heartbreak with each other, so we both felt it was too soon to jump into a relationship with each other just yet. But, we promised that one day- when we were ready- we would try for real and not mess it up next time we attempted to love.
I shifted from walking around my room to laying on the floor to jogging around my apartment, not willing to sit still as I could hear Donnie doing the same in his lab as we discussed our future.
For now, we were just friends that knew about our feelings, but we'd hoped for more later down the road when we were ready and not still harboring some harsh feelings about what had happened earlier. And that was okay.
Eventually, my eyes became too tired to hold open and I was in my bed five minutes later, the phone on speaker as Donnie muttered to himself, having continued working on his invention from before.
We weren't talking anymore, just being there for each other- comforting each other.
I occasionally would say or ask something and he would answer with a lengthy paragraph that was helping slowly put me to sleep, the bright red numbers on my bedside clock agreeing with me.
"Hey, Donnie?" I whispered as the sounds finally stopped, Donnie finally beginning to lower down his work ethics just for a little bit.
"Yeah?" He whispered back, head laying down on his desk as he stared at the phone with dark eyes, wanting to sleep but also not wanting to stop talking to the girl he loved.
"I love you."
~But this is me swallowin' my pride, standin' in front of you sayin' I'm sorry for that night. And I go back to December. It turns out freedom ain't nothin' but missin' you- wishin' I'd realized what I had when you were mine.~
Donnie couldn't breathe. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. (Y/n) had just told him that she loved him. Her- the most beautiful human alive in every form and way- loved him. A mutant turtle that only had his height going for him.
He'd hoped it was real as he closed his eyes and tried to image her saying it again and again, the replay calming his brain down just enough that he was beginning to fall asleep with a small smile on his face.
"Donnie? Can you say something back, please?" His eyes flashed open as he realized she had just told him that she loved him.
And he had said nothing back.
He facepalmed and leaned a little closed to the phone, muttering under his breath, trying to convince himself to say it in a way that she would love.
"I love you too."
~I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright. I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind. I go back to December all the time.~
(Y/n) and Donnie fell asleep listening to each other's breathing- just comforted in the fact that the other was there and not leaving anytime soon. Sure, they'd had their ups and down- definitely downs- but they'd also gotten over them quick as lightning.
They were definitely meant to be- and they knew that. Though it might not have been their time, they were willing to wait for as long as it took for the other to be ready for something real.
~All the time.~
i passed my bio final!!! i'm so happy but yeah i'm back so longer and faster updates are on the way! and wattpad needs to get it together already its been messing up on me for so long the app doesnt even work for me anymore on my laptop. im on an open wattpad tab rn when i could be using the app. do better.