Hera
"Mommy are you okay now?"
I smiled. Forcing myself to. "Yes baby"
Three days straight I was all alone inside my room, wasn't able to talk to anyone, to eat my meal properly. I was hurt again, I was dealing with the loneliness and pain I felt before.
Ayaw kong makita ako ni Dylan na umiiyak at nasasaktan kaya nagkunware akong nagkasakit lang kaya hindi ko muna siya pinalapit sa'akin. Simula din sa gabing yun ay hindi ko na kinakausap at hinaharap si Kyjie, dumalaw siya dito noong nakaraang araw pero si Dylan lang ang humarap sa kanya.
I don't want to face him again, nasasaktan lang ako. Napag desisyunan ko na ding matapos ang birthday ni Dylan which is ngayon ay babalik na kami sa New York sa susunod na araw. I want to leave for real now. Iiwan ko na ang mga sakit na nararamdaman ko dito.
"The girls can't come. But they send some gifts for D. Aya's in flight, Abby had an emergency, you know?" Shai pointed out while putting the gifts on the center table that Aya and Abby send for Dylan.
I smiled while airing the balloons. "Yeah I understand them"
"You're not okay." Natigilan ako sa ginagawa at biglang kumirot ang puso sa sinabi ni Shai.
Naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya. "Hey, I don't know what I should do to make you feel better, but I am here to empathize you okay?" Hinaplos niya ang likod ko at agad naman akong naluha.
I'm not okay, I'm still on the process of recove from all the pain. Wala akong gana sa lahat ng bagay pero kailangan kong gumalaw at simulan ang araw para sa anak ko at ayaw kong sirain ang birthday niya. I will do anything for my son, even if it's killing me inside.
Shai helped me with the preparation while we hire some chiefs for the foods. It's a kids party kaya walang hard drinks. Hindi naman din karamihan ang mga batang inimbitahan kasi wala namang kaibigan na taga dito si Dylan. It's just Soleil and her friends.
Mamayang hapunan ang start ng party kaya may oras pa kaming ihanda lahat. White and blue and theme ng party at puro related sa football at eroplano ang theme, yun kasi ang mga gusto ng anak ko.
He enjoyed playing with Soleil's friend as well as Soleil while waiting for the moon to come out. I was just staring to my son who's extra happy because he just turned five. I can't help but to get emotional, thinking how my son grow everyday.
It's already six o'clock so I called Dylan so that I can wash him and prepare him for his birthday party.
"Mommy anong oras pupunta si daddy? Sabi niya kasi dadalhin niya si Margaux dito" Natigilan ako sa pagbibihis sa kanya at bahagyang napatingin.
I tried to smile though it hurts. "I don't know anak. Just enjoy your birthday okay?" I plastered a small smile before proceeding.
"Mommy aren't you happy?" Biglang tanong niya habang inaayos ko na ang buhok ko.
I furrowed my brows. "Why'd you aksed baby?"
He suddenly sighed. "You didn't greet me yet. Napansin ko din ang lungkot mo mommy. Are you fighting with daddy?" He pouted. Nasaktan ako dahil naapektuhan na ang anak ko sa nararamdaman ko.
I brushed his hair and smiled. "Baby, happiest birthday. I felt a bit sad because you're growing but happy at the same time because you're going to be fine young man" I caress his face ang squeezed a bit. "I love you always anak" I kissed his cute lips.
He then hugged me. "I love you mommy. Please don't hate daddy"
Awang-awa na ako sa anako ko. Sa sitwasyon namin ni Kyjie ay siya yung naiipit. I badly want to make an ideal family for my son, I really tried my best to provide him but I can't go beyond the walls that Kyjie and Ivy set for themselves and for their future. I made things more even harder for my son but I can't tell him straight for now that his daddy is up to someone's future.
Naligo muna ako tsaka naghibis at nag-ayos na rin ng make up. I just applied a light make up, letting my shoulder-length hair free while I was wearing a button up denim skirt with slit in the front and I paired with my tank top and my stiletto.
I show my facade, which is showing my smile to people who's here tonight. I don't want to ruined my son's birthday so I tried my best to look more cheerful.
I greeted all the guests who's here tonight and thanked them for coming. All the kids were entertained by the clowns and kids stuff that we hired for tonight. I was just busy talking and smiling to everyone I encountered. Some are asking me about my past career, though it's personal I still managed to put everything under control.
"So tonight, ating pakinggan ang mensahe na manggagaling sa ating selebrante" Nagulat ako sa biglaang pag announced ng emcee na. Wala naman plano ko yun kasi kami dapat ang mag alay ng mensahe sa kanya.
"Your son asked for it" Shai approached me while she's holding a cupcake.
I furrowed my brows. Hinayaan ko nalang at pinagmasdan ang anak kong tumayo sa maliit na stage habang hawak hawak ang microphone. Hindi ko kubg anong sasabihin niya pero malakas ang tibok ng puso ko ngayon.
"Good evening everyone" He greeted shyly. "Uhm I just want to say thank you for coming here and greeting me a happy birthday hehe" He giggled and I can't help but to smile because of his cuteness. "G-gusto ko lang pong' magpasalamat sa mommy ko, she's right there! Hi mommy! I know you're sad because I just turned five and I'm completely a big boy now! Hehe" Natawa pa ang lahat sa sinabi niya, even me. "I also want to say thank you to my daddy..." My heart beat a little faster "He's right there po!" My heart badly want to ruined my ribcage now. Dylan was pointing his daddy. I was so stunned to speak, he's just right there standing and we're five feet apart from each other. Why I didn't realized his here? Just when?
Our eyes met each other, a sudden ache invaded my heart. He was looking straight on me with his eyes filled with pain. It pained me too. I swall hard and avoided his gazes.
"...I'm a big boy now and I want to take care of them both. But even though I'm a big boy I want to stay with my mommy and daddy forever..." That broke my heart and a droplet of tears escaped my eyes.
I'm very sorry to mg son because I can't promise hin to give his ideal complete family. I can't assure him that we're going to live under the same roof as his daddy. I can't give him that, and that shit hurts me so much! I want him to be happy, pero malabo na.
As for myself, sobra akong nasaktan. If only I could, mag mamakaawa ako sa tadhana na kung pwede lang pag bigyan niya kami, gusto kung itama niya ang maling pagkakataon na ito. I can't endure anymore, I've been hurt a lot since then. Akala ko sa pagkakataon na ito ay pagbigyan na kami.
A droplet of tears escaped my eyes, I instantly looked up and my eyes met the wide and serene sky. It seems unbothered. I reminiscent how I'm so desperate before to search for my fate in the sky, but I did not realized that all of this happenings are part of my fate under the sky.
"Can we request for the celebrant's parents to come here for some messages and picture taking?" My thoughts cut off and mg heart skipped when I heard what the emcee announced.
Agad akong napalingon kay Kyjie, nakatingin lang siya sa'akin at halatang hinihintay akong lumapit sa kanya. Gusto ko mang tumanggi pero naisip ko kaagad ang anak ko.
I let him hold my hands while we both approached the small stage. My heart ache while thinking the thought that soon he will holding a different hand.
"Wow, look who's here! The most talked Pilot! Captain Kyjie Fierro!" The emcee complimented. "And oh! The only one Ms. Hesthea! Grabe bigatin talaga ang magulang mo!" He pointed Dylan and I also managed to smile. Hindi masyadong matao pero kinakabahan nalang ako bigla.
"Well, anyway let's hear their message..."
Kyjie get the microphone first so I let him take his time.
"Happy birthday anak. I don't know how to put this words but the skies knows how much I love you, even your mom" Sinulyapan niya ako pero agad akong nag-iwas. Liar. "I may not be a good father but I am trying to be one. I had a lot of lapses but always remember that I will do anything to give you the best" He then ended his message and brushed Dylan's hair.
Kyjie handed me the microphone, nagdadalawang isip akong tanggapin iyon pero napasulyap ako sa anak ko kaya ngumiti ako sa kanya bago kinuha ang mic.
"Hi baby. Happy birthday! Seeing you grow up everyday make me sad but happy at the same time. I don't want to selfish so I just want you to continue growing as a good being. Mommy loves you always and I'm sorry if mommy can't keep her promises..." Bigla nalang akong naluha. An image of us being a family fades slowly in my mind.
Nag picture taking lang kami saglit bago kami bumaba. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko sa mga kinuhang picture naming tatlo, I'm sure it will hurt me.
The kids party continue with so much fun that the kids enjoyed so much. Halos nalibot ko na ang lugar dahil sa pag-iiwas ko sa kanya. He was trying to get close to me but I was trying to ditch him. Ayaw kong malapit sa kanya, ayaw ko siyang kausapin hindi pa ako handa sa panibagong sakit.
What we talked about last time was all clear to me, I don't want to bother him anymore. What we had right now is all about Dylan and there's nothing to do with our relationship. Beside babalik na naman kami sa New York to continue what we started there. Hindi ko siya tatakbuhan this time kasi ipapaalam ko sa kanya ang pag-alis namin.
The party ended early because of the kids. Agad naman akong tumulong sa pagligpit sa mga kalat hindi ko na rin nakita sa paligid si Kyjie kaya mas nakakagalaw na ako ng maayos.
Natigilan ako sa ginagawa ko at bigla nalang niyakap ni Dylan ang likoran ko. "Thank you mommy!" Agad ko siyang hinarap at hinawakan ang mukha niya.
"You're always welcome anak" I smiled and squeezed his cheeks.
"Pero mommy bakit hindi kayo nag usap ni daddy?" Guilt invaded my entire being after hearing that. Ayaw kong mag sinungaling sa anak ko pero hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon para sabihin ko sa kanya ang tungkol sa nangyari saamin ng daddy niya.
"Baby it's a long—"
"Daddy!" Para akong binuhusan ng isang malamig na tubig. Agad tumakbo si Dylan patungo sa likuran ko kung saan nakatayo si Kyjie. Akala ko ba umuwi na siya.
"Can I talk to your mom?" Narinig kong tanong niya kay Dylan. Hindi ako umimik at nakinig lang.
"Sure dad. Why not?" Nagtatakang tanong ni Dylan. Mariin akong napapikit at baka nahahalata na ni Dylan ang nangyayari saamin ng daddy niya.
I cleared my throat before facing them. "Anak pwede bang pumasok ka muna? Mag uusap lang kami ng daddy mo" I plastered a small smile. Wala naman akong magagawa, kahit ilang beses ko pa siya iiwasan ngayon at alam kong hinding hindi siya susuko hangga't hindi niya ako makausap.
May pagdadalwang isip pa si Dylan pero hindi na siya nag matigas ulo pa at pumasok naman.
I tried to act like I'm not hurt anymore, though it is. "Ano pa ba ang gusto mong pag-usapan natin? Hindi pa ba malinaw sayo ang lahat ng pinag-usapan natin?" I stood still and crossed my arms.
"I can't..." he trailed off. "I'm sorry but I can't let you go again. Please stay with me, hindi ko kayang malayo sa inyo ulit" His voice broke and he instantly teared up. Halata sa boses niyang parang ilang araw din siyang umiiyak.
Mariin akong napapikit. That's why I don't want to talk to him because we ended up like this. "Nakayanan mo naman dati diba?" I sounded like I'm not affected.
Suminghap siya at napansin kong lumapit siya sa'akin. Gusto kong umatras pero ayaw gumalaw ng mga paa ko. "Please I'm begging you. I'll do anything, just please stay..." Pagmamakaawa niya at tuloyan ng umiyak habang nakayuko.
Naiyak nalang ako dahil sa emosyon. Ano pa bang ipagmamakaawa niya saamin kung ikakasal na siya. I don't get him but I don't want to bring up the topic because it's too painful for me. I don't want to give him a second thought if we stay here, may pinangakuan na siya at pati yung bata umaasa na papakalasan na ang mommy niya, and that is my biggest point.
Pinunasan ko ang luha ko gamit ang daliri. "I don't want to stay, mahihirapan ka lang. Just let us go please" I sounded desperate but I don't want him to suffer.
"Mas mahihirapan akong wala kayo sa tabi ko" His voice was low yet his tears are flowing like a river.
I shook my head. "Ayaw ko na. Nasasaktan lang kita"
"Hurt me then! Saktan mo ako hanggang sa gusto mo basta huwag niyo lang akong iwan ulit" His words stabbed my heart like a knife. He sounded so desperate. "I can't find my home when you ran away from me. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako uuwi, kung saan ako pupunta. You are my home and when Dylan came I badly want to go home" He continue crying, nakayuko lang at paulit ulit na pinunasan ang luha.
Sobrang nasaktan na ako sa nakikita ko sa kanya ngayon. Sobrang nag hirap na siya. Bakit pa kailangan palagi kami gumagawa ng desisyun? Bakit may choice palagi pag dating saamin?
I caress his face and slowly lifting to meet his eyes. "Just be happy and live your life. I don't want you to suffer anymore"
"And I'm suffering now and I will always will be if you leave me like this" Halos hindi ko na siya marinig dahil sa iyak niya.
Mariing akong napapikit at agad bumitaw sa kanya. "Please Kyjie! Please! Ayoko' na utang na loob layuan muna kami. Ayaw na kitang makasama" Mas pipiliin ko nalang na saktan siya sa mga salita kung ito lang ang paraan para lumayo na skga saamin.
"Mahal mo pa ba ako?" I widened my eyes when he asked me that. I was caught off gurad. "You badly want me to stay away from you. Mahal mo pa ba ako?" The pain was multiple when he repeated the painful questions.
Tangina oo! Mahal na mahal kita! But I can't say it. "I-i don't see my life with you anymore. I'm sorry. Just leave us—"
"Mommy?" Halos mawalan ng lakas nag tuhod ko dahil sa boses ni Dylan na narinig ko. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. "Mom that's not true!"
"Dylan! Why are you here?" Agad akong napalinga linag sa paligid para hanapin si Shai pero hindi ko siya nakita.
"Mom that's not true! I love daddy!" Agad siyang tumakbo at niyakap ang binti ng daddy niya. Nasaktan ako ng sobra dahil sa nakita ko,
"Dylan come here. You should stay inside!" Sinubukan kong lapitan siya pero mas lalo lang siyang kumapit sa daddy niya.
"Mom you're hurting daddy! Sabi mo mahal mo siya! Sabi mo titira na tayo kasama si daddy!" Tuloyan ng nawalan ng lakas ang tuhod ko at bumagsak ako sa lupa. Umiyak ang anak ko harapan ko, nasaktan ko ang anak ko.
Umiyak ako ng umiyak at naramdaman ko naman ang paglapit ni Kyjie sa'akin at inalo ako. "Umalis ka na please..." Pag mamakaawa ko.
"Please mom, dad no. I don't want you to fight" Pagmamakaawa ng anak ko.
Nadamay na ang anak namin. I don't want him to see us like this but I don't even know what to do. Nag-iiyakan nalang kaming tatlo dito, gusto ko nalang sumabog dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.
"Don't let our son suffer anymore. Please just let us go. Maging masaya ka lang sa iba hayaan mo na kamo"
Suminghap siya at pinunasan ang luha ko. "Gustong gusto ko kayong pangahawakan pero ayaw ko kayong mag hirap dahil sa'akin..." He said softly while continue drying my tears. "Just remember that I love you always and no one could ever replace your place in my heart. I love you" Hinalikan niya ang noo ko ag dahan dahan niya namang hinawakan ang mukha ni Dylan.
"You take care of your mom okay?" Pinunasan niya din ang luha ni Dylan.
"Daddy... daddy.." Patuloy lang na umiiyak si Dylan.
"Babalikan ko kayo. Aalis ako ngayon kasi mas nasasaktan akong nakikita kayong umiiyak sa harap ko" He caress my face and drying my tears.
I shook my head in disagreement. "Sa New York na kami uuwi sa susunod na araw. Kung gusto mong makita ang anak mo bibisitahin mo siya doon" I looked straight in his eyes and started to tear up.
"What do you mean?"
"Babalik na kaming New York—"
"Please not again. I want you both close to me" He reached for my hand and beg. Halos wala ng luhang papatak sa mata dahil sa naiyak ko sa gabing ito pero puno naman ng sakit ang puso ko.
Sapilitan kong tinangal ang kamay niya sa paghawak sa'akin. "You're a pilot! How could you stay with us besides hindi naman kami ang makasama mo sa araw-araw" I raised my voice and he remained silent.
Nakayuko lang siya habang umiiyak si Dylan sa harap niya at nagmamakaawang huwag umalis. I really hate myself right now for letting my son witness all of these. He shouldn't have see us like this, he shouldn't have suffer. Am I really a good mom to him, seems like I deprived him again for everything he needed in this family.
"Baby come here" Naluluhang sabi ko kay Dylan. I was trying to reach him pero agad siyang tumakbo papalayo saamin at dumiretso ng pasok sa bahay.
Napatingin ako kay Kyjie na ngayon ay nakatingin na din sa'akin. Tears keep running down on his face, he look so hurt as I am. His eyes filled with painful words that he can't express. I badly want to hug him right now but I don't want to give him high hopes. Buo na ang desisyun kong babalil na kami ni Dylan sa New York at tuloyan ng linasin ang mga alaalang maiwan namin dito. I want a new start for us.
"Hindi ko ipagkakait sayo na makita ang anak natin, but..." I trailed off and wipe my tears to look at him straight. "But please respect my decisions" Hindi ko na hinintay ang sasagutin niya at tuluyan ko na siyang tinalikuran.
I was about to walk away from him when he suddenly back hugged me. My heart beat faster than its normal beat. "I will surely get you again. I love you always"
He finally let go, leaving me stunned. I can't deny the fact that his hug help me felt better. I want more but I couldn't ask anymore.
I finally let go of him. I don't want to hold in his last words. He probably don't have idea of anything, but I wish him a good life even if without us.
The next day seems new to me. Dylan didn't hype and he always want to be alone. I understand that his hurt but I'm even more hurt and endure the pain alone because I hurt his feelings.
Bukas na ang flight namin pabalik sa New York kaya gusto ko mang' mamasyal muna pero nawalan na akong gana at tinatangihan naman ni Dylan ang mga pagyaya ko sa kanya.
Halos dalawang gabi na din akong umiiyak, akala ko wala nang luhang lalabas pero pagnaaalala ko ang mga pangyayari sa gabing yun ay nasasaktan pa ako.
Just last night, my girls called as they heard what just happened because Shai told them. They deserve to hear it so I told them the whole story. Wala naman akong ibang masabihan and besides they all empathize with me. I'm not trying to draw sympathy and pity on them but the amount of messages cheering me up and giving me wisdom is overwhelming to my part, somehow it offloads the pain I am carrying.
"Do you the sinabawang manok that mommy cooked, baby?" My voice filled with excitement to lift up the mood because the room is too big for us and Dylan is so quiet.
"Uhm..."
I heaved a sigh. My baby is still disappointed. "Pagkatapos mo diyan kakain tayo ng ice cream okay?" I really am trying my best to make him happy again.
My poor son, he's still innocent yet he knew what happened between me and his daddy.
"I want to sleep" He said without looking at me.
I bit my lower lip to stop my tear. I badly want to hurt myself right now, my baby doesn't deserve the pain he's carrying right now.
Tumayo ako at agad tumalikod kasi hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong maluha. "Just go straight to your room, I'll just wash the dishes"
He didn't respond but I heard the chair moved and heard him walk away. I instantly cried myself while covering my mouth so that no sound will be heard.
Sobra na akong nasaktan sa pangyayari at hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko pa ba. Pero agad akong natigilan at biglang may nag doorbell. I settled myself before opening the door, on my surprised it was Nathan.
"Hi good evening!" He greeted me with an awkward smile.
"Nathan! You're here!" I smiled widely like I did not cry. How I wish he will not ask if I cried.
"Uhm yeah, uhm I was just wondering if can I talk to you" He said like he had a second thoughs coming here.
Napatikhim ako at tinaas ang kilay ko. "Sure. Halika, pumasok ka muna"
"No it's okay. I'll be quick I just dropped off here" Napangiti siya. "I heard na babalik ka na sa New York with big D. Naisipan ko lang na mukhang matagal pa siguro bago tayo magkita ulit so I'm here to tell you that I like you" My eyes widened, I was caught off guard at hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko sa sinabi niya. "I'm willing to help you both"
I played my fingers and looked down. "Look, I really appreciate your feelings towards me but Nathan, I can't give you the same feelings—"
"Of course I understand it. Don't worry..."
Pareho kaming natahimik. I mean yeah, Nathan is a good man pero kaibigan lang talaga ang tingin ko sa kanya.
"So take care! I hope I'll see you soon" He smiled at me.
"Thank you Nate"
I watched him walking away from me. I felt sad for him for not getting the love he deserve, but I'm praying him a good love he'll receive someday to a right person.
Napalingon ako sa likoran ko at tanging tahimik na sala lang ang nakita ko. It was empty as I am, cold and lifeless. It pained me more and I felt more empty inside.
Lumabas nalang muna ako at umupo sa flat grass. Yakap yakap ang sarili habang nakatingala sa langit, uminit kaagad ang gilid ng aking mata dahil sa luhang unti unting tumutulo.
I really miss being close to the sky and how I looked at them before. My life before depending on it, it was my wildest dream and I'm always looking for it like I was searching my fate in the sky. Somehow I felt light and happy whenever I looked up and met the calmness of the sky.
In the midst of my breakdown and crying alone I suddenly felt an arm wrapped around me. I stopped sobbing and saw how Dylan's arms reach me. He buried his face on my shoulder.
"Mommy I'm sorry..." he cried while embracing me.
Naiyak ako lalo at niyakap din siya. "Mommy is sorry too baby. I'm really sorry" Sumabay ako sa iyak niya habang yakap yakap ang isa't isa.
At the end of the day, we only need each other's embrace to fill up the emptiness inside us.
"Thank you for letting us stay here" Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Shai.
Today is the day nababalik na kami ni Dylan sa New York, bumalik na din ang sigla niya pero napapansin ko parin ang lungkot sa mata niya.
"Anything for you. Omg I'm gonna miss you both" She pouted and I hugged her. "Take care always okay? Just call me if you need anything"
Gamit and benz na binili ko dito ay nakarating kami ni Dylan sa airport. Dadalhin ko rin ang sasakyan para naman magamit doon. Nag antay lang kami ni Dylan ng ilang minuto bago kami makapasok sa eroplano na sasakyan namin.
It's been decided already. I'm all here now and start an another new beginning for us.
"Sit here anak para masilayan mo ang mga ulap" Pinaupo ko siya near the window kasi alam kong gusto niyang nasisilayan ang mga ulap.
Agad siyang umupo. "Okay mom!"
Umupo naman ako sa tabi niya at inayos ang sarili.
This scene hit me like a wave of nostalgia. I did this again but this time I made sure that I will leave without the same pain as before.
"Good morning passengers this is your captain speaking. Captain Fierro..."