Had I made the right choice?
That was the question that kept running through my mind.
Did I choose correctly? I had shifted my loyalties, abandoned Hirata for Ayanokouji, and I couldn't tell if that had been the right decision.
For almost four months, Hirata had been my pretend boyfriend. He knew the secret of my past, the thing I was so desperately afraid of; he didn't know about my scar.
He had stood by my side and elevated my standing. It was all that he did, but I was grateful. He kept me safe, kept me protected. When I was on top of the class, there was no way I could be bullied.
No way could I return to that horrid life I had before. I'd do anything to stop that.
Even... even bullying others.
If it kept me on top of the school, then I didn't care.
Besides, it wasn't like it was that bad. Nothing I did was even close to what I went through. It was just some shoves, a tease, talking behind their back. It was nothing. If it meant I was ok, then... then I could get through doing that much.
Things were great. I had friends, for the first time in years. People smiled when they saw me, genuine happiness, not looking down on me like I'm garbage. It was awesome. I was happy again. No longer was I that scared little girl, who was less than everyone else.
Now I mattered. Now I was someone; once again, I was human.
Those bullies had stripped away my humanity, forced me to be someone I wasn't. And then, I escaped. I had a new life here, a good life, free of all that. As long as I stood above everyone, no one could hurt me.
And, like, I didn't want to be mean. I never did anything that bad. I knew just how horrible it could be, and there was never anything that bad. I made sure of it. I don't want people to be hurt like that, just enough for me to be safe.
I don't mind if it's just a little bit.
Ah, if only I could keep telling myself that.
I hated it. I hated being the bitch, the queen of our class, the one always on top, the one who bullied and was never bullied. I hated acting this way, pretending not to care, to be a bad person. I didn't like it at all.
I wanted to go back. Back to who I was before middle school, back to before the bullying, when everything was bright and happy, and I could be kind and friendly.
Back before my scar.
And now, I had to be the very thing I hated most, even just a bit. Just to keep myself safe.
It was all I could do to justify my actions. It was them or me, and that's how I slept at night.
But in the end, it didn't even matter. It all came crumbling down.
It didn't matter that I had worked so hard, acted so well, and been the top bitch in the grade. Even so, there were still people who bullied me.
Yeah, I pushed over their friend in the line. Honestly, I hadn't noticed. If I had I probably would have apologised, albeit later when no one else heard, but I would have. I wasn't trying to be mean.
But they wouldn't give it up.
Manabe and her friends. I could tell the sort of girls they were the instant they talked to me in Rabbit group. If the actually cared about Rika, I would have said sorry straight away. But I've been dealing with them for years.
Those are the kind of girls who bullied me before.
I could tell they didn't care. They didn't give a shit about Rika, and that made me more upset than anything. All they wanted was an excuse to be mean, to bully me instead.
The just wanted to be in the right to put someone else down. All that talk about Rika was for nothing.
And I was done bending over for girls like that.
I'd never give them the satisfaction of giving in to them.
And for the first time since coming to this school, I was in trouble.
And Hirata didn't help me.
All he said was some garbage about appologising and getting along. Couldn't he understand that wouldn't work?! Not with these girls! They were the worst, horrible, they didn't care about Rika. They just wanted to get even with me, and if I apologised, they'd just find something else. I tried to explain it, but Hirata just wouldn't get it. He couldn't understand. Gah, he was useless.
It needed to be ended now. Once and for all, they needed to be stopped. There was no stalling, pushing it aside. I understood how these girls worked, and Hirata didn't. He needed to do something.
Please, Hirata. Save me. I begged him.
And he did nothing.
His naïve ideals left me to dry, thinking that everyone could just get along. He abandoned me. He broke his promise.
And then came Ayanokouji.
I knew next to nothing about him. We rarely spoke, and none of my other friends often spoke to him either. The only person he really talked to was Kushida, and she was always very secretive about him, which I suppose was fair enough.
And yet, he appeared, kind and considerate of my plight. I didn't trust him of course, I couldn't trust anyone, but I felt less concerned about him for some reason. Out of everyone in the class, he was the one I felt was least likely to cause problems with me. Because I didn't think he cared about anything.
A genius, who won the island exam for us alone, and I'm pretty sure he didn't even try.
He offered me his help, if I ever needed it.
And in a moment of desperation, I took it.
It was terrifying, incredible to watch.
That bored empty look on his face as he easily beat up the three girls, and then forcing them to never tell anyone about it.
And then he proclaimed he'd help me.
I knew in that moment that he meant it. And that he could live up to the promise. There was something about the unknown that was Ayanokouji that made me believe those words.
But I couldn't give up on Hirata. Not yet. He abandoned me, yes, but he also helped me. For four months he gave up his own life to help me. I couldn't be thankful enough for that. I didn't need his help, not really, but it did help.
And yet, when it came down to it, even Hirata lost it.
I'd never been scared of him before. But now I was. Because he was just the same as the rest.
And once again Ayanokouji saved me.
Hirata was off to fight Horikita. He was acting as if he was marching to his death or something stupid, and just handed me off to Ayanokouji, as if it was his choice. No, I chose who I stood with.
And I would stand with Ayanokouji. Because he was the only one who didn't care.
Sure, he said he wanted to be my friend. Maybe that was true. He didn't have a lot of friends, and I could see why it would be hard for him to make them, but that wasn't his reason.
He wanted me to watch Kushida for him, make sure she was ok. It was his own weird way of caring for someone.
And because that was his reason, I could trust him.
He didn't care about me, not really. Not like Hirata did, or pretended to do, or whatever was going on in his mind. He didn't hate me; he didn't like me. I was just a means to an end. And as long as it stayed that way, he'd help me. We would be useful to each other. And as long as that lasted, I could be safe.
It was... scary, to realise that Ayanokouji had beaten people up for me, in my defence. It was a scary thing to think about, that someone who seemed to not care about anything, would go that far for me.
I didn't want him to do to other people what had been done to me. Me being safe wasn't worth that.
But even so, I could get him to hold back maybe. Just protecting me was all that I wanted. I didn't want revenge. They had their own reasons, they could do what they wanted, as long as I was left out of it.
I just wanted to be safe.
I don't know if I had made the right choice.
I don't even know if I had made the choice myself, or if it had been made for me.
But I was stuck with it now.
Because Ayanokouji was all I had, the only person who could protect me.
It was scary. Someone who cared so little, was the only thing keeping me from returning to the hell I used to live in.
But for now, he was all I had.
Authors Notes
So, I know a lot of people dislike Karuizawa, but i hope this sheds some light.
Not much to say. One more SS after this.
As always, hope you enjoyed!