Ranboo POV
Tuesday ~ 10:03am
We were all sitting in the living room. I was on one couch sitting next to Tubbo, and Lexi was on the other. We sat in complete silence, occasionally exchanging glances each other's way. It wasn't a comfortable silence.....unfortunately, it was a very awkward one.
I could've sworn it lasted an eternity. So when Lexi broke the silence, it was almost releaving until....it wasn't.
"I'm not gonna force it out of you, but your gonna your have to talk eventually, so whenever your ready,.....we're listening." She said fidgeting with her fingers, her eyes locked on the floor.
I looked over to Tubbo who was doing the same thing, but instead bouncing his leg up and down in a rhythemic sequence as his fidget.
Then I finally gained the courage to talk and respond to her.
"I-......"
Until that courage was instantly stripped away from me as I opened my mouth. I had begun, but my words just couldn't form. And I don't know why.....
I guess I don't like to open up. I've never been big on the sappy stuff. And so when it comes to tragic events.....and the childhood trauma, ......lets just say I've......faced my fair share.
I'm still trying to let it all go.....I'm trying to accept myself for who I am. And I'm trying to hold onto myself and those that care.
It's just hard when the people you loved the most didn't love you.
When the people you spent your life with, couldn't bare to look at you.
When the people who brought you into this world,.....wished to banish you out.
They told me I was broken.....that I didn't understand who I was because I was so young....but.....perhaps it was the other way around.....and maybe they were too caught up in old tradition, that they were blind to new possibilities.....or realities.
Perhaps they didn't want to realize I'm not traditional.....but instead unconventional.
Could the fact that I was so different be enough for them to discard me.
But maybe if I was their own idea of perfect, they would have loved me.....
And not have hated me......not have broke me, or degraded me......or hurt me both.......mentally and physically.......
Maybe if my 'way' or 'idea' of love was precisely the same as there's was, they would've loved me.....
I broke down into tears. Tubbo hugged me and Lexi now sat beside me doing the same. They both comforted me, as streams of tears quickly fell down my pale cheeks. Thankfully for me, they didn't push me to talk or explain why I was crying. They instead just waited till I was ready to open up to them and tell them why. Their embraces were warm and comforting, similar to the one I felt with Tommy.....and I didn't feel it often.
About 9 or 10 minutes passed when I was somewhat ready to speak.
"Honestly,......you two already know it all..." There was a long period of silence before I began again. They're faces clearly showing confusion to what I was referring of, "The trauma, it doesn't just go away, and my value of my self worth.....won't just come back to me......" I managed what I could between my shaky breathes.
"No, it won't just come back because you've ridden of the two who caused it,......but it can start too. Even if that's little by little." Tubbo was serious.
".....but how?" I looked at him, eyes filled with tears, on the verge of pouring over to spill down my face once more.
"Let yourself be surrounded by people who care for you and, who think your perfect as you are. Let people help you, and let them know when your hurting like this. Go after what you want, and don't hold yourself back......I think once you have found what you desire, .......you'll finally gain what you've lost.....back." Lexi's words were soft and sincere. But most of all they were right.
However, I was confused on what she thought I desired so much....
"What are you implying I desire?" I asked...I was seriously, really confused....
"...The on thing they never gave or showed you......unconditional love." She smiled and hugged me tighter.
"But.....I believe I have that with you two...don't you think?...." I was now very confused on what type of 'unconditional love' she meant. Though, I believe I've herd of it. Still, I'm not quite sure I truly or clearly understood it.
"No Ranboo.....the type of love you share with only one other. Its pure.....its romantic....it's genuine, ......and most of all, its......unconditional." her explanation was near perfect, and I was starting to grasp what she was telling me.
"Let yourself be loved Ranboo......don't push us and others away. If you do, you might be pushing away that person who shares that love for you." Tubbo was sincere as well. Though he could joke around and be funny, he could also be very caring. I hugged them both back, and we now continued to hold each other close.
"And when you think you've found it...don't be afraid. Hold onto it......because chances are,......you may not ever find it again...." She spoke from experience, I could tell by the sound of her voice, and the choice of her words.
I trust the two of them.
They're right.
Not long ago, a couple weeks ago,......I had been thinking to myself the same thing.
That's what I want.......
The type of love Tubbo and Lexi spoke of....
I want a partner to share it with.....
A partner who will love me the same way I do them....
Someone who doesn't count my flaws, but instead admires my individuality.
And I'll do the same for them.....
Maybe if I find that,......I can learn to truly love myself and who I am.
Then I'll be able to accept myself.
I'll be able to put those......people, behind me, and move on with my life.
I just need to find that person...and then never let them go....
1,030 words
Hope you liked this chapter.
It took me quite a while to find the right words. And I'm not sure if all of it just sounds confusing.
Let me know if you liked it, because I really did try to express how I see love.
I'm sorry it was really short.
Thankyou all for watching! :)