We had been driving for awhile now, still listening to the music that was playing on the radio. It was the same music that always played on loop. There were different genre loops that it would cycle between which made it a little more palatable. You eventually just got used to it though.
Early on when everything went to shit, there was an actual host that would talk on it but that stopped years ago. It was an abrupt stop and I still wasn't totally sure why. Maybe he died. Or disappeared. No one really knew.
I was so young I didn't really care what he had to say on it anyway. I didn't want to listen to the news, because what kid would? Anytime the man would talk about news updates about the creatures, it would leave a worried look on my mom's face. She'd try her best to conceal it, but the shift of shakiness in her tone would always give it away. She'd quickly turn it off after that. I never liked seeing her like that, so I didn't miss it when it finally stopped. I was grateful actually. Sorry radio news guy.
Right now it was playing the loop of 80's hits. I used to get annoyed by the repetition of the same music, but it had become a form of comfort now. When I was feeling anxious or needing help falling asleep, my mom would bring in her radio to my room to let me listen. So I had grown fond of the songs now, they had attached a new meaning to them in the midst of all the chaos.
There were still the CDs that were hidden away in Harry's car, but I was pretty content with this. It helped ease how I was feeling. I think it helped Harry too, because he seemed in his own little world right now. He was tapping away on the steering wheel with his fingers, humming to himself. I wouldn't be surprised if he had forgotten I was in the car right beside him altogether. I just smiled to myself and continued watching the trees pass by through the window.
It felt comfortable, so I couldn't complain. I didn't want to ruin it either. This felt normal, so normal I almost forgot what we were doing. I was half expecting Alayna to be in the backseat with us, but reality soon sank back in.
All of a sudden the music was no longer comforting me and my thoughts were becoming jumbled with the beats. It was all too overwhelming to sit with and I needed to distract myself. Although I didn't really want to talk, it was first thing I could think to do in order to settle my racing mind.
I reached towards the stereo and lightly turned the volume down. Harry's fingers abruptly stopped tapping with the rhythm and he looked over to the stereo, confused why it suddenly went quieter. He noticed my fingers trailing back away from it and looked over to me with a puzzled look.
"You good?" He questioned with an eyebrow raised and returned his focus back towards the road in front of him.
"Yeah, I just..." I trailed off, already regretting my decision. I should have just sat through the music and let the feeling pass. Now I had anxiety about something completely different now, talking to Harry why I just did that. He didn't really seem the type to be all that understanding about overwhelming thoughts and anxieties.
The skin around my nails were looking especially vulnerable to being picked at, so I tucked them under my legs to prevent any further damage. It made me think back to the last time I picked at them and Harry called me out for it being one of my nervous habits. It put me off of it even more.
Even with my head slightly turned to the side towards my window, my peripheral vision still picked up on Harry sneaking glimpses back over to me. I couldn't make out the expression of his face and I didn't want to turn around to look. I'd rather him just be unaware that I noticed his eyes on me.
My hands had come back up to my lap, pulling at the fabric strands hanging from the hem of my shirt. I had to say something or else it would remain this awkward for the remainder of the trip. It was my fault for bringing this air around us anyway, so I might as well have done something about it.
"Just started thinking again." I was hoping he would understand what that meant without me having to talk about any specifics. My attention was still averted from him, continuing to scan the scenery flying by us.
"Mm," was all he said. I was beginning to pick up on his subtle languages. This response was usually his way of saying he kind of understood, but wasn't going to press further. Albeit probably because he was uninterested, but you took what you could get sometimes. This singular hum made me sink back into my seat a little bit more, my body relaxing only slightly.
Safe to say I was wrong about understanding his subtle languages because he opened his mouth again to talk, pressing further.
"This about last night?" He asked, looking towards me briefly. His voice actually sounded like it had concern in it which surprised me. I think this was the first time he had asked me something and genuinely wanted an answer.
The question made me shift in my seat, the original body tension now right back where it started. Like I said before, I really just didn't want to have this conversation but I knew it was coming. Although, this wasn't what was at the forefront of my mind at the moment. It was still there, I had just forgotten about it and Alayna had taken its spot. The anxieties seemed to take turns and now last night came to clock in for its position again. Great.
"I dunno," I shrugged. My gaze hadn't faltered from where it was planted earlier. I didn't want it to.
"So yes?" He said it more like a statement. Obviously I was not that great at handling uncomfortable situations or even just avoiding them. I also wasn't great at lying.
I shrugged again.
It wasn't that I wasn't willing to talk about it. If anything, deep down I did want to. That was what I wanted to originally do, hence why I had turned the volume down. To talk. The words just wouldn't come out and it felt like there was a disconnection between my brain and my mouth.
This had happened for as long as I could remember. Anytime I was overwhelmed with any emotion it was like I shut down. My brain just didn't want to deal with it anymore so it stopped responding to everything and everyone around me. It had protected me in some cases, but other cases it just made communication virtually impossible.
"You're gonna have to talk to me," he lightly nudged me in the arm, "At least like insult me or something. You're good at that."
A smile broke through on my mouth and I tried to subtly hide it by shooting my hand up to my face. I knew he saw it though, he was looking too intensely at me when he said it. I knew that was why he said it too, he knew that'd get a reaction out of me.
I huffed out a deep breath and against all odds, I finally talked.
"Honestly...I really don't know. It's not just last night. It's Alayna too. The whole situation," I was talking into my palm that was still planted on my face from earlier and the words sound slightly muffled since it was partially covering my mouth, "But the thing with last night...I dunno, it just–." I was fighting to find the right words to describe how I felt. It was hard because I was struggling to understand it myself. Moments passed before I was able to continue again.
"Guilty! I feel guilty," my hands had sprung back out as if it was a word bomb that had just detonated. "And now, I feel like I'll never get over that feeling. Like it's attached to me and there's no way to wash it off of me. I can't get rid of it...Yet you–," I paused, my voice growing in volume, "you...just think of it like a game! Like me as a game that'll cure your boredom. But this is my life, my family." I waved my hands in front of me, as if to wipe away what I was saying but continued anyway to try and rectify the situation, "And I get that it was just a kiss. Blah blah blah. I get it, I know it was. I just can't let it happen again. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. I deserve more than that."
I slumped my head against my balled up fist now. My eyes were fixated straight ahead as I watched each tree get bigger as we got closer, only to disappear behind us moments later.
His gaze was placed forward too, he looked lost on what to say next. I was sure I would too in the same situation, so I didn't blame him. His grip on the steering wheel did seem to grow tighter, but that was as much as I was getting out of him at that point. I had come to terms with the fact that he might just not say anything. I was still hoping for something though.
"That it?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
"Okay."
My arm stretched out towards the volume knob, scrolling it up again. I didn't really feel all that satisfied with our conversation. Something about it just didn't feel right or even settled. I was glad I said what I said, but at the same time it made me feel weird. That same feeling that gnaws at you when you say something you regret because you know it wasn't the complete truth–like you purposely didn't tell the full story.
It felt like the truth in the moment, but I think that was just what I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe it wouldn't happen again. I didn't trust myself to believe it wouldn't happen again, though.
I hated what this man was doing to my brain. It felt all fuzzy and I was so tired of the back and forth. I didn't understand him. His words hardly matched up with his actions—or they would, but then wouldn't again just a few minutes later. It was making my head hurt and made me act wishy washy too.
You would think this would be enough to deter my desire to stay with him. You would think I would just separate from him and go on my own way. But, for some fucking reason, I couldn't. Not even just couldn't, I wouldn't. I didn't want to.
He scared me, but not in a life threatening way. Maybe it was the fact he had helped save my life a couple times already, but being around him gave me a sense of security. I didn't understand it either. It logically didn't make sense. How can you be afraid of someone but feel safest around them as well?
It was like having a guard dog. You know if it ever decided to switch on you, you'd be dead. It was like I was waiting for the switch, knew it was coming even, but couldn't pull away. Couldn't stand to be on my own again. So I was going to risk it even if I regretted it in the end.
The best I could do was just to ignore all of this for right now and let it pass. I knew we had to be close anyway, so it didn't really matter. We would be preoccupied soon and hopefully that'll be enough to keep the tension at bay.
Before I knew it, my eyes were beginning to droop and the music became muffled until it was nothing.
Sleep.
"Hey Brin." I felt a nudge on my arm. "Brinnnn," he sing-songed.
My eyes cracked open and I rubbed them awake. The car wasn't moving anymore and we were completely stopped. I sat up, unsticking the side of my face from the window. I really must have needed that sleep because I was out for the count. I still had nap-grogginess swimming around in my head.
I peaked out the window and I saw in big, subtly faded letters "Family & Co's Grocery." My half awake eyes immediately became fully awake and I fiddled with the door latch, throwing my body out of it. My brain was working faster than my feet, causing me to half-trip out of the truck. I heard Harry chuckle behind me as he more gracefully stepped out from his side.
I didn't wait for him to catch up and I quickly ran inside. This stop looked much neater than the other two I had been to. A whole lot bigger too, but this was an old grocery store to be fair, so of course it was bigger. There were boxes neatly placed on counters and shelves. On top of that, the absence of broken glass and empty packages were odd compared to the other experiences I had. Maybe I should've gone here instead after-all.
I wasn't worried about the supplies situation at the moment, though. I really couldn't have cared less. All that was racing through my mind was if Alayna was around.
"Alayna!" I yelled, ducking behind every counter and shelf I ran across, "Alayna!"
I tried to open the door to one of the closets and realize it was locked. Before considering any other options, my body was already slamming itself into the wood. A crack sounded out after the first one, so I slammed again. And again. And again. And it broke through. It crashed against the wall, leaving a dent.
Light engulfed the room and my eyes darted quickly around. It was a bathroom, or at least what was left of a bathroom. The toilet seat was missing and inside was a murky brown liquid that made my stomach turn. My face grimaced and I slammed the door shut to continue my search elsewhere.
There were so many aisles compared to the gas station stops. I could feel my chest heaving, a result of mixing running and anxiety together. I didn't let it phase me because I was still running just as fast and weaving through the different sections as if my lungs were unaffected.
"Alayna!" I yelled one more time as I reached the end. I knew I told myself I wasn't going to keep too much hope that she'd be here but I couldn't help it. It was like the minute I saw where we were, something overcame me.
I ran back down towards the entrance door, where Harry was currently standing. Our shoulders lightly knocked into each other as I rushed past without a second glance. His body whipped to the side from the contact.
I ran around the entirety of the store at least 3 times. I only stopped because my entire body ran into Harry this time. I realized this was purposeful when I looked down to see his hands tightly wrapped around my biceps, holding me into place. Even with my running, I swore his feet didn't even do a mini-step backwards. He was firm in how he was standing and now we were both there just staring at each other.
My breathing was fast and heavy, a look mixed with fear and desperation across my face. The calmness in his expression along with his slower, more steady breathing helped my brain slow down for a moment. He was looking intently at me, as if he was coaxing my breathing to calm down with him.
It was working, but it wasn't at the same time. My breathing had briefly steadied, but another disconnect was happening between my brain and my body again. My arms tried to thrash around to unleash his grip from me. I couldn't help it, my body wanted to keep going and keep searching. He eventually let go against his better judgment.
I wasn't much more calmed down, everything had only slightly returned back to normal. This time I wasn't sprinting around, but I was still clouded with emotions. Anger was at the forefront now. I was angry that she wasn't here. I was angry I got my hopes up so high. I was angry I couldn't just be home with her and mom. I was angry about all of it.
I marched back into the grocery store and stopped right when I stepped in. My eyes jumped from one aisle to the other as I tried to figure out my next move.
I wanted to smash things.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to cry.
This was the first time I felt the need to express my emotions so loudly and so potently.
Without much other thought, I moved to the next aisle that met my eyes. The second my body came within enough proximity, I grabbed the box that still had remnants of supplies in it and chunked it across the room. Bottles and packages spring out, flying in every direction. Another box, flying. Another one. I was crying, sobbing actually.
My foot intensely kicked at the metal shelf and I felt nothing. The shelf shook and a box or two fell down. I was so full of adrenaline and anger. I wanted to yell and scream until my lungs couldn't take it anymore.
Nothing I was doing felt like enough and my chest felt tight. I clutched at it, grabbing the fabric of my shirt along with it. My choked sobs rung out in the empty store, hitting me in the face as it echoed back at me.
If anyone else was in here I would have had no idea. The air around me felt like it was closing in and it caused my throat to feel tighter. I was gasping for breaths, trying to take something in–anything.
I faintly heard my name being called, but I couldn't react. Not until Harry was now in front of me was I able to. His hand picked up my face to look at him.
He let go as if he knew to limit physical contact as much as he could when I was in this state. I struggled to keep my eyes open, all I wanted to do was squeeze them back shut. I was able to hold them open to look into his eyes, but ended up shutting them again to focus on my breathing. We sat there for a few minutes and my breath finally started to level again, my crying becoming less sporadic.
Instinctively I reached my hand out on top of his. Having one hand on the cold tile and one on another person brought me back to where I was. I was on the floor of the store and Harry was right beside me. He was kneeling, not saying a word. Whether he was remaining quiet because he was at a loss for words or because he was doing it on purpose I wasn't sure. I was glad regardless. It helped me calm myself down more. Just letting everything be quiet.
His hand stayed stiff underneath mine and my eyes were still fused shut. A few more minutes passed and I could feel my heartbeat now at a slower, steadier beat. I wasn't dying. I was okay. Everything was going to be fine.
I released my hand from his touch, slightly embarrassed I included him in my calming process. The remainder of my tears were wiped quickly off my face with the sleeve of my shirt and I sat back up. I had to lean against the shelf, still regaining stability. Harry rose up with me.
We both stood there for a moment and I finally looked back up the see Harry's face for the first time since my freak-out. The concerned look made me smile, it was kind of humorous to see him actually worried about something that wasn't him.
The smile soon wiped off my face.
"Hey!" A loud voice shouted from a distance.
It whipped both of our attention behind us. My gaze was still slightly foggy and I had to blink hard a few times in order for my vision to focus correctly.
The sound of a gun cocking quickly brought that full attention back.
At the doorway I made out the figure of an older man, a rifle in hand and aimed at both of us. I was still sniffling and slightly heaving in hard breaths.
Harry rose his hands as he moved his body in front of mine, "Hey man, look, we were just leaving." He looked over his shoulder to me, "Just looking for her sister. Alayna–about 13."
The man didn't say anything. He didn't even lower his gun. All he did was tighten his grip on his gun, breathing heavy himself. He switched his gaze from aiming, to Harry, to me, and back to aiming.
"It's true I swear," I huffed out, slightly moving my body out from behind Harry. He looked annoyed and pushed me back behind him with his arm. The look on his face told me not to push him on this and to stay back. I was too nervous and exhausted from the anxiety, I didn't rebuttal. "My sister — have you seen her? Long dark hair, tall, she would've been alone."
"No," he grumbled out. He swung his gun to each of us, "Who's making all that noise? What are you both doing in here? You fucking with my supplies?"
I looked around, the boxes and supplies spread all around. I had forgotten I had created such a mess during my fit. I didn't realize how much noise I must have been making. The mess told me it had to of been plenty.
I began to stammer, "I... I'm sorry–"
"We'll clean it up, okay? Just lower your gun man, we're not gonna do anything." Harry had cut me off to speak. He was slowly inching farther back, his arm reaching behind him to subtly reach for me.
My eyes flicked to his hand and I saw he was actually tapping the back of his pants right beside his gun. He was motioning for me to grab it. I got even more nervous, my heart rate going absolutely crazy. I swallowed hard and with one quick movement I untucked it from his pants with one hand and placed it into his.
Without a second to spare, the gun was swung back around to the man and he shot. The pow echoed throughout the room and I clutched my ears from the sudden noise. I heard a loud shout and the sound of his gun hitting the ground.
Harry broke our closeness, running forward. He proceeded to kick the man's gun from his reach, Harry's was now pointed directly at the man's forehead. His face was red with anger, causing the veins in his neck to bulge.
"You gonna fucking kill us, huh?" Harry yelled out. The muscles in his arms were twitching, his finger was fighting to not press an inch farther on the trigger.
He kicks him in the stomach, "I asked you a FUCKING question."
The man coughed and spat on the ground beside him, his hand raising up to shield his face from the gun's aim. He just whimpered out a hushed, "please."
Harry snickered, an evil curl of his lips spreading. He cocked the gun.
"Harry, wait!" I shouted out. His concentration broke and he looked at me. The anger on his features had yet to fade, and I began to worry he was about to turn the gun towards me for distracting him.
And as if right on cue, one swift movement from the man and he was grabbing for the gun. Harry's head whipped back to the old guy as Harry took an elbow and crashed it down onto the arm that had got a grip on the gun. This caused his arm to drop and Harry smashed the butt of the gun right to his nose, blood immediately shooting out. The man shouted in pain.
"What the FUCK did I just say? I should kill you right fucking now." The gun was right on the man's forehead, leaving an indention into his skin.
"Fuck you!" The man spat, "I'll kill you and your girlfr–."
Pow.
The man's lifeless body dropped to the floor face first, a pool of blood quickly forming. I stared in bewilderment. I couldn't move. I was frozen.
My eyes looked towards Harry who was still staring at the dead man, looking just as angry as he was when he was alive. If he had the chance to kill him again, he looked like he'd do it over and over.
"That's what I fucking thought," Harry lowly said under his breath. He tucked the gun back into his jeans and the previous expression on his face vanished. Vanished like it was never there. Vanished like nothing ever even happened.
Who the fuck was this guy?
Maybe I should be scared.