"And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for."
September 17th
The days went by quicker than ever before. Mattheo and I have been working on the task every evening, and even though we haven't gotten that far yet, we are still getting somewhere. Our evenings are mainly based on cold talks at the astronomy tower, talking about how to kill someone who most definitely doesn't deserve it. I have seen Draco coming back late every morning with huge bags under his eyes, looking like he has gotten hit all over again. He works even more brutally than us with the cabinet, and I am worried that the work is too much for him to do alone. We barely talk about it anymore; it's routine at this point. It's the same thing every day. We go to our classes, eat, do our tasks, and try to sleep the little we get. When it comes to Theo and I... Well, we are still us. I try to spend as much time as possible with him, but it's hard when I am also trying to distance him from the whole death eater thing. Even if I want to spend my days and nights by his side, I must give it up for his safety.
"I can't believe you didn't show up for the party? Are you sure you are alive? You look pretty dead to me." Iris jokes as we walk towards the common room back from dinner. When it comes to my best friend, things are difficult. She is the only one in our group who doesn't know about the death eater thing, and she is also the one I am sharing a room with and have to lie to the most.
"I have told you I had homework to do." She rolls her eyes, and I feel the same old aching feeling in my chest by lying to her. Iris is the most amazing friend ever, and she really wouldn't hurt a bug if she didn't try to kill me. Lying to her and being a bad friend in times like this makes the job the hardest. If I could tell anyone, it would be her.
"I know, I know, it's just-" She stops staring at me with eyes that someone would give when losing their dog after a beautiful fifteen years together. Her blonde hair is in a ponytail, and her blue eyes look sad, not the same old smile she always has.
"I miss you, okay? I have barely seen you the first two weeks here. And that says a lot, seeing as we share a dorm." My gaze meets the floor as I feel ashamed of how I have treated her. Sure, this is what I must do, but completely ignoring her every day and shutting her off? It is not fair, not when I can at least try to be friendly and give her a smile every now and then. She deserves it, she really does. She is the most brilliant girl I know.
"I know, and I am sorry about that. I have spent a lot of time with Theo.-" Something in her eyes changes, and her brow raises while she interrupts me.
"Really? Is that why Theo and I have been alone every night for the last week? I have been helping him a lot, Rosie. I know the whole relationship is new to you, but when did you last hug him? Or kissed him? Or even spent some goddamn time with him." Three days ago, we went to the cliffs. We didn't talk; we just sat there for hours, enjoying our time.
"That is what I am talking about." She steps closer to me, her right hand correcting the hair falling in front of my face while giving me a sad smile.
"Look, you are my best friend in the world, Rosie. I love you, and I would do anything for you. I know you miss her. Can you at least let me help you?" I look at her. She thinks this is about my mother. Now that I think about it, I have barely had time to think about her lately. And now, when I do, it's like my entire world fell apart again. It's a weird feeling losing a parent, especially someone you were so close with. It's like losing a part of your soul like you lose the one best friend that won't even be replaced.
"I dont know what to do, Iris." I feel the tears running down my cheeks as I shrug. It's been a while since I last needed a hug like this. She embraces my body as she also holds my heart in her hands, my sadness in her warm arms and her comfort surrounding every part of me.
"Let it out, Rosie. I won't leave, okay?" And so I did, as we were standing there. Just the two of us in the middle of the corridor, letting everyone see the weakness I have been carrying for so long.
🌚
Later that night, I told Mattheo that I wouldn't show up. I was thinking about my conversation with Iris for a long time. Thinking about Theo and how he must be feeling about all of this. I just had to be with him, just for one night.
"Rosie? Draco's voice makes me turn in my steps. It's been a while since I last heard him say my name. We have been too up in our own lives to even say hi to each other.
"Hey," he hugs me before kissing my forehead faintly. I feel relieved, knowing he is okay and still has the good, old, loving Draco inside. The part I am scared of is that I am slowly losing myself.
"How are you?" He looks me in the eyes, and now I see it. I see every regret, fear and little sad feeling in his eyes. My best friend is slowly falling apart, and I have done nothing but let it happen without me so trying to help. He has no one. Sure, he has his mother, but what can he do when she is miles away?
"I am fine. But you are not." I see how he is trying to smile, hiding his own pain, so I would focus on myself and let it all out in front of him. But how can I do that when I see how much he needs someone to care for him?
"Don't lie to me, Draco. I see it in your eyes." I sigh, holding his hands tightly as he looks away from me.
"I haven't seen you lately. I am sorry about that." He says, trying to make me feel better or change the subject. How can he apologise for something so far from his fault when I should be begging on my knees for forgiveness for not even approaching him in the corridor.
"You think this is your fault? We are both in this together, Draco. It's far from your fault." He nods as an answer, but I know he still blames himself for all this. Knowing my best friend, he is probably blaming himself for me being a death eater. It's just how he is, and no one else in this school will ever see this part of him. The part that makes him so utterly vulnerable.
"Where were you going?" He asks, smiling faintly, and I sigh a little, leaning against the wall behind me.
"Theo., I uhm haven't seen him a lot lately. I am trying to be a better-" I take a break, trying to figure out what I am trying to say. Yes, Rosie, what are you trying to be better at?
"A girlfriend?"
"Yeah." He stares at me, sucking in his lips before sighing deeply.
"Dont try to change yourself for him, Rosie. Dont try to be better at something when you have every reason to be this way. I promise you, you are the best thing he can ask for. He loves you so much, and you love him too, right?" I feel the tears in my eyes and the aching feeling in my chest. I love him, which makes all of this so much more complicated.
"I do, but I can't tell him that right now. I can't let him deal with it, tell him I love him, and then not even spend time with him. It is not fair, not to him." Draco only nods slowly. He knows me better than anyone else. He doesn't even try to make me feel better or change my mind because he knows I am right. He knows I have decided what to do, and that's the only thing that will make me feel somewhat okay right now.
"I get it," he smiles weakly.
"Where are you heading?"
"I am writing a letter to my mother about everything. I was on my way to give it to my owl." I suck in my lips, nodding slowly. Sending letters is risky, and he can't use actual words, meaning his mother probably has come up with a way for them to communicate without writing it out, maybe even a new language.
"Are you working tonight?" He only nods.
"Please take care of yourself, Dray. I can help you if you want?" He shakes his head, smiling faintly.
"No, you go to Theo and spend the night there. You need him; I can see it in your eyes." A grin spreads his lips, and I blush. It's so easy to see right through me that I need him. I really do need Theo. It's like an addiction that I can't control—a dangerous one.
"I will see you tomorrow. Thank you." I leave a kiss on his cheek before leaving for Theo's dorm. I smile, knowing I will finally see him again and that I can pretend everything is normal for just one night. I knock on the door, playing with my fingers.
"I am not in the mood, Pansy." I feel my whole body freeze at his words. Pansy? He opens the door, and confusion takes place in his eyes as he realises I'm the one standing outside the door. "Rosie?"
"Uhm- Sorry, I should leave." He grabs my hands before I can step back; he smiles faintly.
"Don't. What are you doing here?" He pulls me into his chest, holding me close, but my body feels numb. His words are echoing in my head. I cannot understand why Pansy has been here more than once.
"Why did you think I was Pansy?" He stares into my eyes as I pull away from the hug. I know that face. He is trying to come up with a lie. He is going to lie to me.
"She has been here several times the last few days." Betrayal feels my body, and it feels like I am losing him together with myself. He stares at me with honour and truth, like he is proud of what he tells me. I turn around, ready to leave, but he quickly grabs my hand again.
"Not like that, god. I promise you that it's not like that." I look down, not ready to meet his eyes, just in case they lie to me. She has been here when I have been gone. Goddamn, of course, she has.
"She has been knocking on my door nonstop. She is trying to get me to discuss the wedding with her: God, that stupid wedding. I never opened it; I shut her off. God, you have to believe me with this, Rosie." His facial expression is still there, and I can't really read him, but something about what he tells me feels wrong.
"Okay." I suck in my lower lip, nodding slowly.
"I have missed you," he pulls me in, kissing me with passion, and my whole body feels numb again. Not because I am uncomfortable but because I feel feelings only he can make me think.
"I am sorry, I wanted to see you because-" I meet his eyes, holding my breath. Come on, Rosie, you can tell him. He is your best friend.
"I want to be a better girlfriend. And I want to spend time with you." His eyes are confused, and he is trying to form words, holding my hands in his.
"Rosie," he sighs.
"You dont have to try to be a better girlfriend. I know your situation; you are the best thing I could ever ask for. Dont try to change a single thing about yourself, not for me." He leaves a faint kiss on my lips again, just enough for me to feel him. To touch that one spark.
"It's dark outside, but we can go to our place if you want?" I feel my lips turning into a smile, and I nod.
"I would love to, but I have to change. It's cold outside, and I dont have-"
"Here, take my quidditch jacket. I got a new one yesterday; you can have it." He smiles, and I stare down at the jacket in my hands.
"Are you sure?" It's his quidditch jacket, the one thing he loves the most.
"Of course, everyone already knows about us. Besides, I like to know that people see that you are mine. You wearing my name and number will boost my ego on the field." I do not know what I did to deserve it, but I want to thank everyone who wrote my story. He is the joy in my life right now.
"Thank you,"
"Come on, love."
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Euw love is so disgusting (I want him back)😔