As soon as his mouth is on mine I melt, his tongue touches mine and the fire within me ignites.
His hands move slowly, gently yet firmly across and down my back. He pulls at my hips slightly until I'm straddling him on the bed.
The kiss becomes furious, desperate. It's like our bodies have muscle memory, knowing what to do, each body knowing what the other needs. I realise it's me grinding against him.
He's already shirtless and the feel of his warm skin in my hands is so familiar and comforting.
He tugs at the hem of my top "can I?" He asks I nod and whilst chewing his bottom lip and he swiftly pulls it over my head, forcing us to break the kiss. His hands flat across my upper and lower back, he moulds my body into him, his mouth finding mine again.
His thumbs rub over the top of my nursing bra. "Can I get this off ya?" He growls.
I pause.
No.
No.
"No, what are we doing?" I sit back and look at him "we shouldn't......."
I see the disappointment flash across his face as I sit back, dropping my hands from where they had been at his shoulders and the nape of his neck.
"Chels......" He runs his hand across my cheek. "Chels, it's fine..... y'know, if ya really don't want to, it's fine, but I know from the way ya jus' kissed me ya want it as much as I do" the emotions in his voice are heartwrenching.
"I'm scared Jack"
"Of wot?"
"Of everything! Jack I don't know if I want to, I don't know if I want to be with you......."
"It's up to you Chelsea, it can be jus' sex, or we can try.......again......"
I shake my head.
No.
"No Jack, we can't......"
"C'mon......" He starts to protest.
I look him in the eyes.
"No Jack, I don't want to" I say firmly. There's no room for negotiation.
I've broken the connection.
My words end it.
He knows.
The mood evaporates.
I pick up my top and get up and leave the room.
As I head back towards the master bedroom where Mia is, I hear a loud thud, followed by a crashing sound.
Jack has obviously thrown something in frustration.
***
I'm in the family room when Jack comes down. I'm sitting on the floor with Mia on her playmat, letting her stretch out a bit.
Jack sees her and his face lights up.
He immediately joins us.
"Ah she loves that don' she, the lights an' that"
He tickles her hand lightly "mornin' princess" he coos.
He remains looking at Mia, but his voice tenses "do we need to talk about last night Chelsea?"
I sigh, "no, I don't think so......"
"Right well I'll be the grown up then, 'cos I actually feel like I do wanna talk about it"
"Jack it was just I don't know, heat of the moment stuff......in reality I'm probably still not even ready yet....."
He leans back against the sofa and shakes his head.
"Y'know ya've neva acknowledged that I said I love ya......."
I close my eyes, I'm taken back to my kitchen and his words
Chelsea, I love you
"I didn't really have time too......-"
"Nah ya fuckin' yelled at me then ya collapsed and then there was fuckin' blood everywhere Chelsea an' I didn't know if it was her or you..... I thought I was gonna lose ya both! And I know, Chelsea, I know I deserve it, I deserve how angry ya were with me.......but it was like I didn't realise wot I had until I nearly fucked it up"
We are both distracting ourselves by playing with Mia, rattling toys, tickling her feet......anything to avoid looking at each other.
"So you decided you loved me after you slept with Stacey?"
"Nah, I realised I loved ya" he corrects me.
"But you'd already told her once that you wanted to try to make things work with me, but then New year's Eve you jumped into bed with her as soon as I was out of sight, and then last night, your first night out for ages and you admitted there might be a chance you fuck her again? What am I supposed to think Jack?"
"She fuckin' threw herself at me New year's Eve, I'm so ashamed of meself, I was wasted Chels and she totally took the opportunity" he sees the look I'm giving him "I know that sounds pathetic, of course I coulda stopped it, but I'm fuckin' weak Chels, me dick jus' fuckin' takes over but I've no idea how I even got it up that night.....it don't matter, because I felt awful as soon as I came to me senses"
He reaches for my hand.
He clasps my hand within his and just stares at it.
"I thought we were gettin' on well, I hoped ya were feeling things for me again....."
"Oh my god Jack! But you literally came to tell me last night not to worry if you don't come home, you'll just be shagging your ex!"
"Nooooo! Nah, I'm such a fuck up!"
"Yes you are!" I watch him massage my hand with his thumb.
"I wanted to see wot ya'd do. Like I dunno, I thought it'd make ya react, ask me not to go? I dunno"
"Well that backfired......and you still kissed her" I hiss at him.
"Nah, yeah no, like I sez, I kissed her, because I thought I jus' wanted sex......but I kissed her and realised I jus' want you! So I came home........then you came onto me remember, ya the one that sneaked into me room........an' I know ya feel somethin' Chels, the way ya reacted, I know you do"
I look at him now. His face is full of emotion.
"Tell me ya don' feel anythin' for me an' I will jus' leave it"
I blink slowly.
"Jack I want to.......but......if you hurt me, it's not just me......how can we do the right thing for Mia if you keep hurting me?"
"Nah nah, I won't, I promise ya......"
Mia starts to cry and immediately Jack picks her up and cradles her, kissing her gently.
She deserves her parents to try surely......watching him, I get butterflies in my tummy.
"I won't hurt ya Chels.....I love you."
I feel so torn. I want us to work, I want to be with him. I want us to be a family.
I do love him.
I feel like I'm jumping in head first. But, really hasn't everything with Jack been like that?
"Ok" I say and think as I say it what a small word that it is when it carries so much meaning.
"Ok?" Jack repeats
"Ok" I smile
Jack screws his nose up in the most adorable way "OK then"
"So we're doing this? Ya with me?"
"Yes, but that means you're with me Jack......only me" I hope I don't sound too desperate.
"I promise ya Chels, I really do"
"Ok" I nod
"Stop saying ok!" He's grinning "come here" I lean to him, Mia is cooing in his arms. We embrace around her, find ourselves kissing again.......a single kiss and all doubts fly out of my mind.