AFTER CHANGING, which takes absolutely forever because what the fuck are you supposed to wear to meet Hercules, Perfect Jason summoned the wind to carry him, Kaleidoscope, and Eden ashore.
The man in purple was waiting for them.
Eden had heard tons of stories about Hercules. She'd seen several cheesy movies and cartoons with Connor. Before today, if she had thought about him at all, she'd just roll her eyes and imagine some stupid hairy dude in his thirties with a barrel chest and a gross hippie beard, with a lion skin over his head and a big club, like a caveman. She imagined he would smell bad, belch, and scratch himself a lot, and speak mostly in grunts. And be blond. Very. Blond.
She was not expecting this.
His feet were bare, covered in white sand. His robes made him look like a priest, and so did his beard, honestly, which kinda looked bad. But also, Eden wasn't attracted to men, so.
He was well built, but not too stocky. His ebony hair was close-cropped, Roman style. He had startling blue eyes like Perfect Jason's, but his skin was coppery, as if he'd spent his entire life on a tanning bed. The most surprising thing: he looked about twenty. Definitely no older. He was handsome in a rugged but not-at-all-caveman way.
He did in fact have a club, which lay in the sand next to him, but it was more like an oversized baseball bat — a five-foot-long polished cylinder of mahogany with a leather handgrip studded in bronze. Coach Hedge would have been jealous.
Eden, Perfect Jason, and Piper landed at the edge of the surf. They approached slowly, careful not to make any threatening moves. Hercules watched them with no particular emotion, as if they were some form of seabird he had never noticed before.
"Hello," Piper said.
"What's up?" Hercules said. His voice was deep but casual, very modern. He could've been greeting them in the high school locker room.
"Uh, not much." Piper winced. "Well, actually, a lot. I'm Piper. That's Eden. This is Jason. We—"
"Where's your lion skin?" Perfect Jason interrupted.
Eden wanted to elbow him, but Hercules looked more amused than annoyed.
"It's ninety degrees out here," he said. "Why would I wear my lion skin? Do you wear a fur coat to the beach?"
"I guess that makes sense." Perfect Jason sounded disappointed. "It's just that the pictures always show you with a lion skin."
Hercules glared at the sky accusingly, like he wanted to have words with his father, Zeus. Eden related. "Don't believe everything you hear about me. Being famous isn't as fun as you might think."
"Tell me about it," Piper sighed.
Hercules fixed his eyes on her. "Are you famous?"
"My dad . . . he's in the movies."
Hercules snarled. "Don't get me started with the movies. Gods of Olympus, they never get anything right. Have you seen one movie about me where I look like me?"
Piper nodded, gripping onto Eden's arm, which made her happy. "I'm surprised you're so young."
"Ha! Being immortal helps. But, yes, I wasn't so old when I died. Not by modern standards. I did a lot during my years as a hero . . . too much, really." His eyes drifted to Perfect Jason. "Son of Zeus, eh?"
"Jupiter," Jason said.
"Not much difference," Hercules grumbled. "Dad's annoying in either form. Me? I was called Heracles. Then the Romans came along and named me Hercules. I didn't really change that much, though lately just thinking about it gives me splitting headaches . . ."
The left side of his face twitched. His robes shimmered, momentarily turning white, then back to purple.
"At any rate," Hercules said, "if you're Jupiter's son, you might understand. It's a lot of pressure. Enough is never enough. Eventually it can make a guy snap."
He turned to Eden. "You're the descendant of Achilles, aren't you? Eden Fairchild? War hero?"
"His lineage ended a long time ago," Eden stiffened. "But sure. The rest apply."
"You get it, don't you? The pressure to be perfect? To be a hero? To be the best, more than anything, or anyone?"
Eden frowned. "Yeah," she said simply. She really didn't want to have this talk again. "It sucks."
Hercules stared at her, probably just admiring her hotness, but it made her uncomfortable. How he looked at her like she was kin.
"So, Lord Hercules," Kaleidoscope said, "we're on a quest. We'd like permission to pass into the Mediterranean."
Hercules shrugged. "That's why I'm here. After I died, Dad made me the doorkeeper of Olympus. I said, Great! Palace duty! Party all the time! What he didn't mention is that I'd be guarding the doors to the ancient lands, stuck on this island for the rest of eternity. Lots of fun."
He pointed at the pillars rising from the surf. "Stupid columns. Some people claim I created the whole Strait of Gibraltar by shoving mountains apart. Some people say the mountains are the pillars. What a bunch of Augean manure. The pillars are pillars."
"Right," Eden said. "Naturally. So . . . can we pass?"
The god scratched his fashionable beard. "Well, I have to give you the standard warning about how dangerous the ancient lands are. Not just any demigod can survive the Mare Nostrum. Because of that, I have to give you a quest to complete. Prove your worth, blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I don't make a big deal of it. Usually I give demigods something simple like a shopping trip, singing a funny song, that sort of thing. After all those labors I had to complete for my evil cousin Eurystheus, well . . . I don't want to be that guy, you know?"
"Appreciate it," Perfect Jason said.
"I love shopping," Eden added helpfully.
"Hey, no problem." Hercules sounded relaxed and easygoing, but he still made Eden nervous. That dark glint in his eyes reminded her of charcoal soaked in kerosene, ready to go up at a moment's notice. And god, she hated fire.
"So anyway," Hercules said, "what's your quest?"
"Giants," Eden said. "We're off to Greece to stop them from awakening Gaea."
"Giants," Hercules muttered. "I hate those guys. Back when I was a demigod hero . . . ah, but never mind. So which god put you up to this — Dad? Athena? Maybe Aphrodite?" He raised an eyebrow at Piper. "As pretty as you are, I'm guessing that's your mom."
"Hera sent us," Perfect Jason said. "She brought us together to—"
"Hera." Suddenly Hercules's expression was like the cliffs of Gibraltar — a solid, unforgiving sheet of stone.
"We hate her too," Piper said quickly. "We didn't want to help her. She didn't give us much choice, but—"
"But here you are," Hercules said, all friendliness gone. "Sorry, you three. I don't care how worthy your quest is, or even how worthy you three are. I don't do anything that Hera wants. Ever."
Perfect Jason looked mystified. "But I thought you made up with her when you became a god."
"Like I said," Hercules grumbled, "don't believe everything you hear. If you want to pass into the Mediterranean, I'm afraid I've got to give you an extra-hard quest."
"But we're like brothers," Perfect Jason protested. "Hera's messed with my life, too. I understand—"
"You understand nothing," Hercules said coldly. "My first family: dead. My life wasted on ridiculous quests. My second wife dead, after being tricked into poisoning me and leaving me to a painful demise. And my compensation? I got to become a minor god. Immortal, so I can never forget my pain. Stuck here as a gatekeeper, a doorman, a . . . a butler for the Olympians. No, you don't understand. The only god who understands me even a little bit is Dionysus. And at least he invented something useful. I have nothing to show except bad film adaptations of my life."
"Yeah, the only god," Eden snapped. "She drove my mother insane with drinking and drugs. Still alive, never meant to love me. Then I get trained by Roman demigods, and she murders them with one lightning strike from your dad. I spent twelve years believing that I was the person who was going to save the world, and then my brother steals it away from me and I go on all these quests with him because he makes me. I had to get your father's lightning bolt back from Ares. I had to ride through the Sea of Monsters to get some fucking gold wool from a blind Cyclops. I had to hold up the sky. I had to go through the Labyrinth, and I had to fight Kronos. And now? Now, I'm here, because Hera won't give me peace and she won't give me immortality because she wants me to be her pet until she's done using me."
Eden glared at Hercules. "So, you gonna help us out or not?"
Hercules hesitated. He looked at her, intrigued. Then he shook his head. "On the opposite side of this island, over those hills, you'll find a river. In the middle of that river lives the old god Achelous."
He waited, as if this information should send them running in terror.
"And . . . ?" Perfect Jason asked.
"And," Hercules said, "I want you to break off his other horn and bring it to me."
"He has horns," Perfect Jason said. "Wait . . . his other horn? What—?"
"Figure it out," the god snapped. "Here, this should help."
He said the word help like it meant hurt. From under his robes, Hercules took a small book and tossed it to Eden. She caught it one handed.
The book's glossy cover showed a photographic montage of Greek temples and smiling monsters. The Minotaur was giving the thumbs-up. The title read: The Hercules Guide to the Mare Nostrum.
"Bring me that horn by sundown," Hercules said. "Just the three of you. No contacting your friends. Your ship will remain where it is. If you succeed, you may pass into the Mediterranean."
"And if we don't?" Piper asked.
"Well, Achelous will kill you, obviously," Hercules said. "And I will break your ship in half with my bare hands and send your friends to an early grave."
Perfect Jason shifted his feet. "Couldn't we just sing a funny song?"
"I'd get going," Hercules said coldly. "Sundown. Or your friends are dead."
* * *
The Hercules Guide to the Mare Nostrum didn't help much with snakes and mosquitoes.
"If this is a magic island," Piper grumbled, "why couldn't it be a nice magic island?"
"Exactly!" Eden said highly. "Fucking mosquito bitches. We're running out of shit as is."
They tromped up a hill and down into a heavily wooded valley, careful to avoid the black-and-red-striped snakes sunning themselves on the rocks. Mosquitoes swarmed over stagnant ponds in the lowest areas. The trees were mostly stunted olives, cypress, and pines. Eden hated bugs. And animals. And the outdoors.
So far they hadn't found any river.
"We could fly," Perfect Jason suggested again.
"We might miss something," Kaleidoscope said. "Besides, I'm not sure I want to drop in on an unfriendly god. What was his name? Etch-a-Sketch?"
"Achelous." Perfect Jason was trying to read the guidebook while they walked, so he kept running into trees and stumbling over rocks. Eden always laughed at him. "Says here he's a potamus."
"He's a hippopotamus?" She leaned her head forward, raising her eyebrows.
"No. Potamus. A river god. According to this, he's the spirit of some river in Greece."
"Since we're not in Greece, let's assume he's moved," Pipes said. "Doesn't bode well for how useful that book is going to be. Anything else?"
"Says Hercules fought him one time," Perfect Jason offered.
"Hercules fought ninety-nine percent of everything in Ancient Greece." Eden rolled her eyes. "Except for that pig. Oh, that was a fun thing to watch."
"Yeah. Let's see. Pillars of Hercules . . ." Perfect Jason flipped a page. "Says here this island has no hotels, no restaurants, no transportation. Attractions: Hercules and two pillars. Huh, this is interesting. Supposedly the dollar sign — you know, the S with the two lines through it? — that came from the Spanish coat of arms, which showed the Pillars of Hercules with a banner curling between them."
"I'm sorry, you don't think we know what the dollar sign is?" Eden brought out her wallet. "I fucking love money."
"Anything helpful?" Kaleidoscope asked.
"Wait. Here's a tiny reference to Achelous: This river god fought Hercules for the hand of the beautiful Deianira. During the struggle, Hercules broke off one of the river god's horns, which became the first cornucopia."
"Corn of what?" Eden asked.
"It's that Thanksgiving decoration," Perfect Jason said. "The horn with all the goodies spilling out? We have some in the mess hall at Camp Jupiter. I didn't know the original one was actually some guy's horn."
"And we're supposed to take his other one," Piper said. "I'm guessing that won't be so easy. Who was Deianira?"
"Hercules married her," Perfect Jason said. "I think . . . doesn't say here. But I think something bad happened to her."
"She's dead, no duh," Eden rolled her eyes. "Come on."
They trudged across a ridge between two hills, trying to stay in the shade; but she was already soaked with sweat. The mosquitoes left welts on her ankles, arms, and neck, so she probably looked like a smallpox victim. God, that would be fun to treat later.
Eden frowned. She didn't know what time it was, but the sun was already starting to sink, so probably kinda late. How had the day passed so quickly? She would have welcomed sundown for the cooler temperatures, except it was also their deadline. A cool night breeze wouldn't mean much if they were dead. Besides, tomorrow was July 1. If their information was correct, it would be Nico di Angelo's last day of life, and the day Rome was destroyed.
"Stop," Eden said, suddenly detecting water.
Also, they could hear it, because she was so smart. They crept through the trees and found themselves on the bank of a river. It was maybe forty feet wide but only a few inches deep, a silver sheet of water racing over a smooth bed of stones. A few yards downstream, the rapids plunged into a dark blue swimming hole.
Something about the river bothered her. The cicadas in the trees had gone quiet. No birds were chirping. It was as if the water was giving a lecture and would only allow its own voice.
But the more Eden listened, the more inviting the river seemed. She wanted to take a drink. Maybe she should take off her shoes. Her feet could really use a soak. And that swimming hole . . . it would be so nice to jump in with Piper and relax in the shade of the trees, floating in the nice cool water. So romantic.
Eden shook her head. What? She fucking hated water, and all of them knew it.
Perfect Jason sat on a rock and started taking off his shoes. He grinned at the swimming hole like he couldn't wait to get in.
"Cut it out!" Piper yelled at the river.
Perfect Jason looked startled. "Cut what out?"
"Not you," Kaleidoscope said. "Him."
She was pointing at the water.
After a dramatic pause, the river spoke: Forgive me. Singing is one of the few pleasures I have left.
A figure emerged from the swimming hole as if rising on an elevator.
Eden frowned. It was a fucking bull with the human face. She remembered Piper telling her about him. His skin was as blue as the water. His hooves levitated on the river's surface. At the top of his bovine neck was the head of a man with short curly black hair, a beard done in ringlets, deep, mournful eyes behind glasses, and a mouth that seemed set in a permanent pout. Sprouting from the left side of his head was a single bull's horn — a curved black-and-white one like warriors might turn into drinking cups. The imbalance made his head tilt to the left, so that he looked like he was trying to get water out of his ear.
"Hello," he said sadly. "Come to kill me, I suppose."
Perfect Jason put his shoes back on and stood slowly. "Um, well—"
"No!" Kaleidoscope intervened. "I'm sorry. This is embarrassing. We didn't want to bother you, but Hercules sent us."
"Hercules!" The bull-man sighed. His hooves pawed the water as if ready to charge. "To me, he'll always be Heracles. That's his Greek name, you know: the glory of Hera."
"Funny name," Eden said. "Since he hates her."
I do too, she didn't say. She despised the goddess.
"Indeed," the bull-man said. "Perhaps that's why he didn't protest when the Romans renamed him Hercules. Of course, that's the name most people know him by . . . his brand, if you will. Hercules is nothing if not image-conscious."
The bull-man spoke with bitterness but familiarity, as if Hercules was an old friend who had lost his way.
"You're Achelous?" Piper asked.
The bull-man bent his front legs and lowered his head in a bow. "At your service. River god extraordinaire. Once the spirit of the mightiest river in Greece. Now sentenced to dwell here, on the opposite side of the island from my old enemy. Oh, the gods are cruel! But whether they put us so close together to punish me or Hercules, I have never been sure."
Eden wasn't sure what he meant, but the background noise of the river was invading her mind again — reminding her how hot and thirsty she felt, how pleasant a nice swim would be.
"I'm Piper," Kaleidoscope said. "This is Eden and Jason. We don't want to fight. It's just that Heracles — Hercules — whoever he is, got mad at us and sent us here."
She explained about their quest to the ancient lands to stop the giants from waking Gaea. She described how their team of Greeks and Romans had come together, and how Hercules had thrown a temper tantrum when he found out Hera was behind it.
Achelous kept tipping his head to the left, so Eden wasn't sure if he was dozing off or dealing with one-horn fatigue.
When Piper was done, Achelous regarded her as if she were developing a regrettable skin rash. "Ah, my dear . . . the legends are true, you know. The spirits, the water cannibals."
Piper frowned. "H-how—?"
"River gods know many things," he said. "Alas, you are focusing on the wrong story. If you had made it to Rome, the story of the flood would have served you better."
"Piper?" Perfect Jason asked. "What's he talking about?"
"I — I'm not sure," she said, and Eden frowned at her. "Achelous, I don't understand—"
"No, you don't," the river god sympathized. "Poor thing. Another girl stuck with a son of Zeus."
"Wait a minute," Perfect Jason said. "They're together. I'm with a son of Hephaestus."
Achelous ignored him, which was just sad. "My girl, do you know the cause of my fight with Hercules?"
"It was over a woman," Pipes recalled. "Deianira?"
"Yes." Achelous heaved a sigh. "And do you know what happened to her?"
"Uh . . ." Piper glanced at Perfect Jason.
He took out his guidebook and began flipping through pages. "It doesn't really—"
Achelous snorted indignantly. "What is that?"
Perfect Jason blinked. "Just . . . The Hercules Guide to Mare Nostrum. He gave us the guidebook so—"
"That is not a book," Achelous insisted. "He gave you that just to get under my skin, didn't he? He knows I hate those things."
"You hate . . . books?" Eden asked. She was about to say that she hated them too, but her girlfriend loved the things. Therefore, she didn't.
"Bah!" Achelous's face flushed, turning his blue skin eggplant purple, which made Eden think of dicks. "That's not a book."
He pawed the water. A scroll shot from the river like a miniature rocket and landed in front of him. He nudged it open with his hooves. The weathered yellow parchment unfurled, covered with faded Latin script and elaborate hand-drawn pictures.
"This is a book!" Achelous said. "Oh, the smell of sheepskin! The elegant feel of the scroll unrolling beneath my hooves. You simply can't duplicate it in something like that."
He nodded indignantly at the guidebook in Perfect Jason's hand. "You young folks today and your newfangled gadgets. Bound pages. Little compact squares of text that are not hoof-friendly. That's a bound book, a b-book, if you must. But it's not a traditional book. It'll never replace the good old-fashioned scroll!"
"Um, I'll just put this away now." Perfect Jason slipped the guidebook in his back pocket the way he might holster a dangerous weapon.
Achelous seemed to calm down a little, which was a relief to Eden. She didn't need to get run over by a one-horned bull with a scroll obsession.
"Now," Achelous said, tapping a picture on his scroll. "This is Deianira."
From what Eden could see, she could tell the woman had been very beautiful, with long dark hair, dark eyes, and a playful smile that probably drove people crazy.
"Princess of Calydon," the river god said mournfully. "She was promised to me, until Hercules butted in. He insisted on combat."
"And he broke off your horn?" Perfect Jason guessed.
"Yes," Achelous said. "I could never forgive him for that. Horribly uncomfortable, having only one horn. But the situation was worse for poor Deianira. She could have had a long, happy life married to me."
"A man-headed bull," Eden said, "who lives in a river."
"Exactly," Achelous agreed. "It seems impossible she would refuse, eh? Instead, she went off with Hercules. She picked the handsome, flashy hero over the good, faithful husband who would have treated her well. What happened next? Well, she should have known. Hercules was much too wrapped up in his own problems to be a good husband. He had already murdered one wife, you know. Hera cursed him, so he flew into a rage and killed his entire family. Horrible business. That's why he had to do those twelve labors as penance."
Piper frowned. "Wait . . . Hera made him crazy, and Hercules had to do the penance?"
Achelous shrugged. "The Olympians never seem to pay for their crimes. And Hera has always hated the sons of Zeus . . . or Jupiter." He glanced distrustfully at Perfect Jason. "At any rate, my poor Deianira had a tragic end. She became jealous of Hercules's many affairs. He gallivanted all over the world, you see, just like his father Zeus, flirting with every woman he met. Finally Deianira got so desperate she listened to bad advice. A crafty centaur named Nessus told her that if she wanted Hercules to be faithful forever, she should spread some centaur blood on the inside of Hercules's favorite shirt. Unfortunately Nessus was lying because he wanted revenge on Hercules. Deianira followed his instructions, but instead of making Hercules a faithful husband—"
"Centaur blood is like acid," Eden recalled.
"Yes," Achelous said. "Hercules died a painful death. When Deianira realized what she'd done, she . . ." The river god drew a line across his neck.
"That's awful," Kaleidoscope said.
"And the moral?" Achelous said. "Beware the sons of Zeus."
Eden snorted. "Well, at least we aren't Leo."
"Eden!" Perfect Jason hissed. She just shrugged.
"Hercules is a god now," Achelous said. "He married Hebe, the youth goddess, but still he is rarely at home. He dwells here on this island, guarding those silly pillars. He says Zeus makes him do this, but I think he prefers being here to Mount Olympus, nursing his bitterness and mourning his mortal life. My presence reminds him of his failures — especially the woman who finally killed him. And his presence reminds me of poor Deianira, who could have been my wife."
The bull-man tapped the scroll, which rolled itself up and sank into the water.
"Hercules wants my other horn in order to humiliate me," Achelous said. "Perhaps it would make him feel better about himself, knowing that I'm miserable too. Besides, the horn would become a cornucopia. Good food and drink would flow from it, just as my power causes the river to flow. No doubt Hercules would keep the cornucopia for himself. It would be a tragedy and a waste."
Eden suspected the noise of the river and the drowsy sound of Achelous's voice were still affecting her thoughts, but she couldn't help agreeing with the river god. She was starting to hate Hercules, even if they were more like than him and Perfect Jason were. This poor bull-man seemed so sad and lonely.
Perfect Jason stirred. "I'm sorry, Achelous. Honestly, you've gotten a bum deal. But maybe . . . well, without the other horn, you might not be so lopsided. It might feel better."
"Jason!" Piper protested.
Perfect Jason held up his hands. "Just a thought. Besides, I don't see that we have many choices. If Hercules doesn't get that horn, he'll kill us and our friends."
"He's right," Achelous said. "You have no choice. Which is why I hope you'll forgive me."
Piper pouted sadly. "Forgive you for what?"
"I have no choice either," Achelous said. "I have to stop you."
The river exploded, and a wall of water crashed over Eden.