You know, there are days where I think I'm getting somewhere. I focus on my dad and my mom and school. I feel okay. Nowhere near getting over you, but - okay. And then there are days like this where I just... Where I just want you. Here. With me. Today is definitely one of these days, Lisa. When it feels like I can't breathe because I miss you so much.
All I can think of is - what if? What if we met under different circumstances? Do you think about that, too? What if Jaehyun never suggested anything and we broke up - because now that I think about it, it was bound to happen with or without you in the picture. I was falling out of love with him. Long before my dad's incident.
What if I ended up in that coffee shop by pure chance? I would've looked differently. Would you have still come to me? I think yes. We would've talked just like we had. And you would've taken me home and let me keep your coat. And maybe it would've taken me much longer to accept the fact that I was falling in love with a woman, but at least it would have been... real. For you. And for me too, in a way.
Or... If only I got to you before Tzuyu did. If only I hadn't decided to be selfish and keep you to myself for a little longer - if only I came clean the morning after I made love to you. I know I would've broken your heart either way, but at least you would've heard it from me. Everything. No assumptions, no half-truths.
I never wished for a time machine more. Sometimes, when missing you gets too hard, and your scent is no longer lingering on my sheets, on my clothes, I dream of impossible things. I imagine going back and telling you everything; after our first night, after our first meeting, after our first date. God, if I could go back, the first thing I'd do would be kissing you. And then telling you everything.
But I can't go back. i don't get to start over. But I hope some other version of me does. Somewhere in another life, another world, I hope we're happy. I hope that there is a world where I haven't hurt you. Where we keep each other safe and loved.
And maybe, in this one, someday we'll get a happy ending, too. I can only hope. It's the only thing I have left.
I love you, Lisa.
Chaeyoung
//
A pattern is forming, and Chaeyoung is not sure she likes it. She doesn't know what would be a better description: push and pull, tug-o-war, or those damn swings, but either way, this is the furthest thing from healing. But they already established that.
In short, Lisa comes to her drunk out of her mind. At least, Chaeyoung hopes the only thing she's had is alcohol.
In short, Lisa comes to her drunk. In long , Lis's disappeared for more than a week after Chaeyoung texted her. Went as far as blocking her number - again. And -- Chaeyoung hasn't made the same mistake of coming over to her apartment unannounced, but she's pretty sure Kate's been there more times than her.
Okay, so maybe she went there once. She never made it to the door - wasn't brave enough for that - but she did meet Lisa's neighbour again. The big gentleman with the small dog and a cozy plaid scarf, who cheerfully asked her if she was looking for her sister. Sister. That's how alike they looked, apparently, and the thought, for some reason, makes Chaeyoung sick to her stomach. He helpfully let her know that she - Kate, sister - and Lisa went out somewhere, but looked like they might be back soon. She left immediately after that.
It appeared as though Lisa's decided to sever all ties, after all, and Chaeyoung's been trying to make her peace with that. Slowly. Painfully. And unsuccessfully. Mainly because Lisa herself is standing at her doorstep, eyes bloodshot and reeking of expensive scotch. Yes, expensive scotch reeks, too, when you consume it in unhealthy amounts.
Judging by Lisa's wild mane and skewed clothes, she's been doing exactly that. Chaeyoung's heart squeezes in her chest, sharply, when she thinks what could've happened to her on her way there. She knows Lisa would never drive after drinking. She also knows Gustus would never drive her anywhere in such a state. So she must've walked.
Plus, she's soaked to the bone.
What was it Lisa yelled at her for the last time they saw each other? 'Drunk and clearly upset. Walking alone at night.'
Hypocrite, Chaeyoung fumes at her silently and opens the door wider so she can stumble in. And stumble in she does.
"Hey." Her lips are dry and chapped on Chaeyoung's, and they taste like whiskey. Or scotch. Or bourbon. Honestly, Chaeyoung could never tell the difference. She does know that Lisa tastes like alcohol and sorrow, and her heart sinks in reply, beats sharp and desperate.
She pushes her away - gently, keeping her hands on her shoulders to steady her. "Hey. Hey. You're drunk."
"That's the fucking point," Lisa lets her know, before cupping her cheeks in her hands and leaning in again. Come to think about it - she's never seen her this drunk. She's never seen her drunk, period. She's never seen her lose control like this.
Except -- but she didn't lose it then. She willingly gave it up.
"Lisa," she tries again, pulling away. "No, Lisa, you need to stop."
She's hot to the touch. Almost feverish, and her forehead is covered in a thin film of sweat. It could be alcohol. But it could be a cold, too. She doesn't know where Lisa walked from. How much time she spent outside, in the rain. Her shirt is practically drenched.
Chaeyoung tries to ignore the way her hands tremble when she touches her cheek. Lisa's -- Lisa's never sick.
Lisa's staggered away from her as soon as she told her to stop, and her speech is slurred. "Don't you -- want this? Me?" She swallows, and if it weren't for Chaeyoung rushing to her and catching her around her torso, she would've slid down against the door. "Is this not what you wanted?"
Her eyes sting and burn. "No," she chokes out, trying to help Lisa stand upright. It's not an easy task. Lisa's all lean muscle, and she weighs more than she looks. "No. It's not."
She'd like to say that none of this is what she wanted, but that would be a lie, wouldn't it be? She did want to save her father. She did save her father. No matter what she says, in the end, she had a goal and she reached it. And that's the problem.
Why would Lisa believe her when to her, she did get everything she aimed for?
"Wait," Lisa mumbles when Chaeyoung tries to lead her to the couch. "Shoes. Muddy. It's -- rain. It's raining."
"I gathered," Chaeyoung tells her, helping her tug her shoes off. Just like she suspects, her socks are wet, too, and that's bad. She needs to get her into something dry and under warm blankets.
Lisa barks out a sloppy laugh. "Funny," she notes. "Deadpan. I like deadpan. It's -- it's funny."
"Thanks," she says, because what else is there to say? At least Lisa's started to cooperate and she's not a deadweight on Chaeyoung's shoulders anymore. She's dragging her feet as they go, and when they do get to the couch, she plops down on it with a groan, throwing her head back and closing her eyes.
"Your room is spinning," she tells Chaeyoung in a low voice. Well, shit. Although, on the other hand, she might feel better in the morning if she throws up now. Chaeyoung's eyes flicker between Lisa and her bathroom door. Too far.
"I'm not gonna be sick." She looks at Lisa again upon hearing her speak. Green eyes watch her, bright to the point of feverish. "Don't worry. i just - I think I need some water."
"Right -- of course. Water. Be right back." She hurries to the kitchen, fishing out a glass.
"Thanks," Lisa says when she returns, the glass cold and full in her hand. She watches as Lisa gulps it down, quickly and greedily. Her throat bobs prettily, but then again, is there anything about Lisa that's not infuriatingly pretty?
She shakes her head. Definitely not the right time. "Lisa," she says, gingerly sitting down next to her on the couch and taking the glass from her when she's finished. "What happened?" Why are you here?
Well, it's kind of blatantly obvious why she's here, isn't it? Chaeyoung asks herself darkly.
Lisa seems to think along these lines, as well. She opens one eye and squints at Chaeyoung, curiously. "What happened? I'm drunk. Because I got drunk."
"Yes, but -- you don't get drunk," Chaeyoung says. "Why... why did you?"
Lisa snorts in dark amusement. The sound is so unlike her. Then again, this whole situation is unlike Lisa. "Why did I get drunk. Huh. Well, why am I here?" It seems that even drunk, Lisa still has the ability to speak in cryptic riddles.
Except they aren't all that cryptic. You, Lisa's glistening eyes tell her. You're the reason for this. All of this.
But Lisa's not done. She's licking her lips a lot as she speaks, and her words are still a little slurred. "You know, I'll tell you why I'm here. It's because I want you. I still want you, Chaeyoung." She swallows before looking at her, and there's the quiet kind of desperation in her gaze that makes Chaeyoung's chest ache. "Why do I still want you, Chaeyoung?"
Well. She certainly wasn't prepared to have Lisa be this open right from the start. Chaeyoung's not the only one who shouldn't drink a lot if she wants to keep a secret. That's when the reality of the situation hits her. Lexa's drunk. Lisa wants to spill the beans that she'd rather keep to herself sober, and Chaeyoung -- Chaeyoung can't let her do that. She can't take advantage of her like this.
"Lis," she says just as the other woman opens her mouth to, no doubt, say more things she doesn't want Chaeyoung to hear. "It's late. We should get you into bed."
Lisa's grin would be amusing if it didn't cut so deep. "Oh, so that's still on the table. Nice."
"No. You need to sleep it off."
"I'm not that drunk."
Chaeyoung gives her a pointed look. "You are definitely that drunk." When Lisa only glares back, she sighs, standing up and offering her a hand. She really hopes Lisa comes willingly, because if not, she doubts she'll be able to drag her there. "Come on. Please, Lis."
"Don't." Green eyes become focused for a split second. Sober and sharp. "Don't do this." When Chaeyoung blinks at her, confused, she shakes her head, slowly, sloppily. "Don't assume I'll go just because it's you who asked me to."
It's hard to speak when all air seemingly left her lungs, but she powers through. "I don't," she says huskily. "I don't think that for a second, Lisa. But you know I'm right. You need to sleep."
"Couch is fine," Lisa mumbles to her, childishly crossing her arms and staring down at her damp socks. She's - in some other world, she'd think Lisa looks entirely too adorable to handle. But the woman she loves is cut open and left to bleed out before her eyes, small and vulnerable and lost. And that's the exact opposite of what Chaeyoung deems adorable.
"You'll take the bed. It's not optional."
Lisa appears to contemplate her words as she lifts her head and studies Chaeyoung, head cocked to the side. She looks like a puppy that way, and Chaeyoung tramples on a resurfaced feeling of tenderness. Not the time. "Fine," Lisa says, finally, still staring at her. "But you wanted to know what happened."
Yes, but I want you to want to tell me. "Not tonight, Lisa."
Lisa laughs again, and the sound is scary because it's sad. "Funny. Okay. Not tonight. That's what I was thinking, you know? Earlier. Not tonight. At least not tonight. One night without you. I guess I was thinking about it too hard. You know how -- when someone tells you not to think about it, and it becomes the only thing you can think about?"
She stops, clearly waiting for an indication that Chaeyoung is listening, and she can't help but nod. It feels so slow. It's as if she's watching everything unfold from the sidelines, out of her body. They are on a brink of something here. Something important. Something that she doesn't think Lisa should be telling her, but she's frozen all of a sudden, and the protest dies down in her throat while her heart is trying to burst out of her chest.
Lisa smirks at Chaeyoung's nod. "Yeah. I think I did that to myself. Don't think about her - and now she's the only thing I can think about. Yes. That's what happened. That's what always happens. I just took it further tonight." She's no longer looking at Chaeyoung. Judging by her empty stare, she's not looking at anything at all. Chaeyoung's not sure if Lisa's still aware of the fact that she's standing next to her. "I didn't want to want you. I wanted to want her. She's -- she's nice. She's good. She could be mine. I could be hers. I think -- I thought I wanted her, but I was wrong. I didn't mean for her to find out like this, you know? I didn't... I wanted you. So I called for you. But I was with her. I shouldn't have -- I shouldn't."
The realization punches right through her chest, tearing her heart out with an iron fist and dropping it onto the floor, and Chaeyoung has to sit down again as everything rips through her at once. The pain, sharp to the point of being unbearable at hearing Lisa imply she's had sex with Kate. Was having sex with Kate - or, perhaps, it wasn't even Kate but yet another girl - when she--
I wanted you, so I called for you.
She imagines Lisa kissing someone else's lips and touch someone else's cheek and mumble her name into someone else's neck. Imagining she was her.
I wanted you, so I called for you.
Lisa panting a hoarse Chaeyoung into the darkness of her room while under someone else's body. Or was it Lisa screaming Chaeyoung with someone else's head between her legs? Whimpering Chaeyoung while buried in someone else, knuckles deep?
The thought is nauseating, and her head pounds with the newfound knowledge.
She should've stopped Lisa when she could. Why didn't she stop her?
"How do I stop thinking about you?" Lisa's voice tears her out of her thoughts, and she focuses her astonished gaze on her. She's still not looking at Chaeyoung. She's staring into the distance, and her expression is lost. The next words are whispered, but to Chaeyoung, they are so, so loud, taking up all of the space. "How do I stop loving you?"
It hurts. It hurts so much, because, while Chaeyoung is desperate to hold on to the feeling even if it's killing her, Lisa looks like she wants nothing more than to be rid of it. To be free. From her. "I don't know," she tells her in a broken whisper.
Lisa blinks, as if waking up from slumber, and turns her head to look at Chaeyoung. Her eyes are hazy again. "Maybe," she says, pensive. "Maybe I'd already stop if I wanted to." She doesn't say anything after that. She rises to her feet and stumbles to Chaeyoung's room, and Chaeyoung's at her side in an instant, guiding her.
Tomorrow, she thinks as she helps Lisa get out of her drenched clothes and put Chaeyoung's pajamas on. We'll deal with it tomorrow.
She takes the couch, and sleep doesn't come that night as she lays there, staring at the ceiling and listening to Lisa's soft snores.