Chapter: 4
You will not notice the change, you will only one day seek the new you in the mirror of reality...
I frowned as I looked at Jazure who was now heading to where I was standing. I no longer waited for her and walked but I stopped walking when she took my hand.
Napatitig ako sa kamay niya. Tinignan ko siya, hinihingal siya at nakahawak sa kanyang dibdib. "Hindi mo man lang ako hinintay."
Inalis niya ang kamay niya at tumayo ng diretsyo. "Why do I have to wait for you?"
"I just want to thank you for saving me… again."
We're in the hallway now, there are few students walking in our direction, it's early in the morning. Our class starts at 8 am, it's only 7 am so I still have a long time to hang out but this woman stopped me.
"I don't need your words thank you," I said coldly.
Nagulat siya dahil sa sinabi ko pero mabilis ding siyang nakabawi sa pagkagulat. "Mabait ka na sana kaso ang sungit mo."
Nag salubong ang kilay ko dahil sa sinabi niya. "I am not kind and I will not be kind to you."
Nalukot ang mukha ko dahil bigla siyang tumawa. "What do you call the two times you saved me?" Is she repeating what has already happened?
I still have no emotion looking at her. "Can you stop? I want to be alone." She stopped laughing and stared at me like examining my emotion.
"Everyone has a path in their struggles, it's not bad to show how you really feel." It came a little closer to me. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm just here. I'm a good listener." She didn't wait for me to say anything because she quickly turned around but before she could get away she turned to face me and smiled.
I was shaken and started to walk. All our subjects ended peacefully. My day went well, no fight, no enemy. I don’t know if it's an improvement or just that no one is really hosting a fight.
I've noticed these past few days that trouble doesn't approach us anymore, I don't even know if I'll be happy or laugh. Their whispers about me are decreasing. Other teachers are happy with me because I value my studies again unlike before. They said I just need to keep it so that the school will be peaceful and away from trouble.
I'm a silent breaker but now I'm chasing it in the middle of chaos.
In the days that passed, I continued to study because if I stopped what I was doing, my dad would cut my credit cards. I don't want that to happen because that's where I get my expenses when I go to the club with Ryan and Jacob. Sometimes the two of them are immature so I can't count on them when I don't have any money.
"Farrel boy. Anong gagawin mo sa saturday?" Ryan asked, Jacob looked up because of Ryan's question. We stood side by side as we walked out of school.
Nagkibit balikat ako. "I don't know."
"Nabalitaan ko may bagong bukas daw na bar dyan, gusto niyo bang pumunta doon sa saturday?" suggestion ni Ryan.
Umiling ako. "Pass. I'm not in the mood to drown in alcohol," I said. It's true I don't have time to drink, I just want to rest all day alone.
"Same here ryan. I don't have time for alcohol," sabi ni Jacob.
Napa buga ng hangin si Ryan at sumuko. "Okay fine."
The camera hung around my neck as I walked down the street, I saw the kids on the street having fun and laughing. I smiled as I looked at their faces full of real fun. I took a picture of them and continued walking.
But I hadn't gone far when I heard someone call to me from behind me. I slowly turned towards it.
Nanliit ang mata ko na nakatingin sa kanya. Is she following me? Up to here?
Tumakbo ito palapit sa akin, nakangiti ito na nakatingin sa akin. "Sinusundan mo ba ako?" diretsyo kong tanong sa kanya.
Kunot ang noo niya. "Nakita lang kita kaya nilapitan kita. Napaka assuming mo rin no?" Nagulat ako dahil sa inasta niya.
Ngumiti ito ng makita niya ang camera na nakasabit sa aking leeg. "Do you want to be a photographer?" tanong niya sakin.
Umiling ako at tinalikuran siya. Sinundan niya ako at sumabay sa paglalakad ko. "You know what. Napakaswerte mo dahil may kaya kayo kaya alam kong matutupad mo ang gusto mo sa buhay." Tumigil ako sa paglalakad kaya tumigil din siya.
"Not because you have money you can get everything, money is not the answer to everything to prosper."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to say that."
"Sanay na ako." Nagsimula muli ako sa paglalakad.
"Do you want some coffee?" tanong niya sakin kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.
I found myself sitting over a vintage coffee with Jazure. I don't even know why I agreed with her. She sat down and put down the coffee we had ordered. She handed me my coffee so I took it. The two of us just kept quiet.
"Aren’t you afraid of me?" She stopped for a moment and looked at me.
"Ba't naman ako matatakot sayo? Diyos ka ba?"
"I mean everyone avoids me because I always carry a mess."
Ngumiti siya sakin at nagsalita, "That's not reason enough for them to fear you. Even though you have made many mistakes in life, I know you have done good that everyone can't see."
"I don't think so."
"It’s better to be honest with people than to hide your stench," she told me.
"As long as a person is alive, there is still hope to correct his mistakes. I want you to make the most of what you want in life because life is so short we don’t know when we will be lost in this world tomorrow."
The world is so chaotic, everywhere you look you will see pure fighting. I see myself in the middle of it, I can't escape the world I entered, maybe there's no way for me to escape.
I don’t clearly see myself in my future. I want to be a photographer but it’s very unlikely that will happen because of the many barriers. I really want to see myself looking up at my own captured photos.
I want to have a gallery where you can see the photos I took, things, places, people. I want everyone to see how beautiful every corner of the world is no matter how small or big.
I've been doing photography for a few years. I even secretly participate in contests and sometimes I win, but all the awards I get I keep in a place where dad can’t see.
Why do I have to hide what really makes me happy? I wanted to shout it to the whole world but I couldn’t. I am brave but deep inside I'm weak.
Everyone has a weakness, we can't avoid it. I’m tired of pretending to be brave in everyone’s eyes.
Others say you can escape the world to find what makes you happy but how can you escape if you are chained to the past where people know you as evil.
"Malapit kana palang mag college. I'm sure that your mom is proud of you," nakangiting sabi ni lolo sa akin. Bumisita si lolo dito sa bahay namin para kamustahin kami ni daddy.
Tinapik niya ang balikat ko. "Dapat magbakasyon ka din sa bahay ko farrel para makapag-pahinga ka."
I nodded.
Sabay kaming naglalakad papunta sa garden namin. Inaayos nila manang ang merienda namin ni lolo. Patuloy pa rin kami sa paglalakad habang nakaakbay siya sa akin.
"Kumukuha ka pa rin ba ng mga larawan?" tanong niya sa akin. Bahagya akong tumango.
Ngumiti siya. "Ba't hindi na lang 'yan ang kunin mo sa kolehiyo?"
If I could.
"May problema ba? Pwede mong sabihin sa akin." Hindi ko namalayan na kanina pa pala ako tahimik. Umiling ako bilang sagot.
"I'm just tired."
Nakaharap na ako sa kanya. "If the people you care about leave you, I'm just here for you. Don’t be afraid to lose them because the one who truly loves you will stay by your side whether through hardship or joy."
"Dumaan daw kanina dito ang lolo mo?" tumingin ako kay dad at sumagot, "Yes dad."
He was sitting in his favorite wooden chair. He stopped reading the magazine and looked at me. "Gusto ng lolo mo na magbakasyon ka roon, ba't hindi mo pagbigyan ang gusto niya?"
"My grandfather and I talked about that." He didn't speak so I walked away. I reached my room carrying my bag with only a camera.
I took it out of the bag and carefully laid it on my study table. Maybe if mommy was here she would be happy because until now I still take care of her gift to me.
I gasped as I saw the piles of crumpled papers on the floor of my bedroom. I remember that I was still cluttering it when I was reviewing, but I didn't clean it because of laziness.
I started cleaning up my messes until I finished it well. I was lying on my bed when I felt tired, I couldn't help but close my eyes.
I woke up because of the noise of my phone, I grabbed it by my side, my eyes still closed as I looked at Ryan and Jacob's message.
Sama ka dito sa cocktail club. Treat ko na kaya 'wag kang mag-alala.
–Ryan.
Farrel, nandito na kami ni Ryan sa club ikaw na lang ang hinihintay namin. 'Wag mo ng palagpasin ito dahil ngayon lang manglilibre ang mokong.
–Jacob
I combed my hair with the finger of my hand. I have no intention of drinking now but––I had no choice but to change my clothes.
Sumalubong sa akin ang ingay sa loob, lahat ay nakikisabay sa agos ng musika. Mabilis kong natagpuan kung nasaan sila Ryan at Jacob, agad ko silang nilapitan. Nakasuot ako ng leather jacket at faded jeans.
Ito ang club kung saan kami laging pumupunta, maraming brand ito meron sa city at meron dito sa province. Kahit mga kabataan ay pinapayagan nila na pumasok dahil lahat ng mga alak na nandito ay mababaw lang ang tolerance.
"Akala ko hindi ka na darating," sabi ni Ryan sa akin. Gusto kong tumawa dahil ang totoo gusto niya na hindi ako dumating para hindi madagdagan ang babayaran niya.
"Paano ba 'yan ryan. Kailangan mo na kaming ilibre dahil kumpleto na tayo," nakangising sabi ni Jacob, napa kamot sa ulo si Ryan.
Wala siyang nagawa kundi ilibre kami. Ilang oras na rin kaming nandito sa club, ni isa samin ay wala pang nag-aya na umuwi dahil sa dami ng inorder ni Jacob. Wala daw uuwi kapag hindi pa nauubos ang mga inorder.
"Ubos na tuloy ang allowance ko dahil sa inyong dalawa." Singhal niya sa amin ni Jacob. Tumawa naman si Jacob ng biglang ibuka ni Ryan ang wallet niya na wala ng laman.
"Ikaw ang nag-aya tapos kami ang sisihin mo."
"Hindi ko naman alam na papakyawin mo lahat ng tinda nila dito," reklamo ni Ryan kay Jacob.
Napailing na lamang ako at itinuloy ang iniinom kong chuckie na pinabili namin kanina. Natigil ako sa pagsipsip ko ng marinig ko ang tawa nila Ryan at Jacob na nakatingin sa akin.
Nag salubong ang kilay ko. "What are you two laughing at?"
"Hindi ko lang maimagine na ang isang Farrel ay umiinom ng chuckie sa loob ng club," natatawa na sabi ni Ryan, napahawak siya sa kanyang tiyan kakatawa. Sumabay sa tawa si Jacob.
Napailing ako dahil sa inakto nila. Nakakahiya pag kasama ko sila lagi silang agaw ng atensyon mas lalo na si Ryan at ang bibig niya.
"Can you two stop now?" They still didn't stop so I hit the table hard so they stopped..
"Ito naman hindi mabiro."
The whole time we were at the club, I only drank chuckie. I don't even know when I’ve been as long as I know I enjoyed it.
Even though we are not perfect friends I can say that we are true to each other, they are always there for me. They are my best buddies and nothing can match their friendship with me.
It is rare to find a true friend who will be true to you. Like you are waiting for a bird to return to the cage.
Even though the world did not open up well to me, there are people who believe in me that no wealth in the world can match.