CHAPTER 9 ILLUSIONS
Walkin', slowly down the stairs, gave me time ta recover my mask ; my Kenny the Ripper expression, that were as much a part o' my appearance as my cowboy hat or my coat , and jus' as protective as were Silver Lady. An' after the scene with Kuchel, I needed that mask , that protection.
By the time I reached 'Jone's ' desk, it were all back in place an' I were Kenny the Ripper again. Makin' my way 'round the stairs, I siddled up ta his desk, where the greasy pig were now huddlin', but tryin' ta appear brave (like me I guess, which is prob'ly why it made me madder).
"Was that who you were lookin' for Mr Ripper, sir," the weak, slimey weasle asked tentatively.
Instead o' answerin' him, I once again, grabbed his sweaty shirt collar an' snarled at him,
"That ain't none o' your business, get it?! Her business ain't none o' your business, get it?!"
"Yes, sir, Mr Ripper, sir. The customer is always right here at Johnas's and discrection is assurred", he blabbered.
Not loosenin' my grip, I continued, "Yeah, now that's another thin' you gotta get straight Jones, I am NOT your customer. I will NEVER BE your customer. I value my ability ta have children TOO MUCH ta ever lay down in this rat-hole with one o' your disease infected whores!"
" But that 'Olympia' in room five. She's ta stay clean. Or, 'not proper broken in', as you like ta call it. She's as 'broken in' as she's gonna get. Consider me her last 'customer'. 'Cause I'll be a- checkin", I threatened.
"Of course, Mr Ripper, sir. What ever you say, sir", the greasy weasle ingraciatingly intoned. "But if I may ask, Mr Ripper, sir- What am I supposed to do about her room, sir. You see this is a working establishment, and...aahhh... well...", he tapered off.
" 'Olympia' stays right where she is. I don' care if'n she drinks from mornin' ta night, or what she does....So long as it's not seein' any o' your scummy 'customers'", I replied, reachin' inta my top pocket. "As for your other problem o' this bein' a, what did ya call it; oh yeah, ' a workin' establishment'", I laughed. "Well, I believe I can fix that problem for ya".
His greedy, rat eyes widened when he saw the wad o' cash I'd taken from my pocket.
"This is the first payment. This covers her rent, her booze, her food an' anythin' else she might need. Understand?!''
His head bobbled in affirmation an' his slimy mouth watered as he tenativley held out his fat, pudgy fingers ta receive the cash.
"Oh sir, yes sir, Mr Ripper, sir. Of course, of course. Olympia will always have a home here. Why I look on these girls like I'm their very own father. She'll always be safe here at Honest Johnas's", he panted.
"Like you're their father, eh?! Sellin' your daughters as whores an' keepin' them in filth, an' oglin' them with a hard on beneath that desk o' yours. You're such a slimey, shit stain, that the only reason ya don' have a go yourself is 'cause your too worried 'bout missin' out on some profits, case a customer comes in, ya deluded, greedy, sack o' ass shit! But, I'm tellin' ya this, ya pus filled ass crack... I f you ever, AN' I MEAN EVER, take one cent that belongs ta that girl, or send her one trick, or so much as look in her direction, Jerk off Jones.... Not only will I rip you a new one, PERSONALLY, but I'll tie ya face down on one o' your own matresses an' my boys will bring their 'friends' an' have a nice littl' gang-bang an' use your ass ta work off every debt ya've ever run up, afore I slit your throat from ear ta ear. Got it , 'Jones'?!'' I finished, smoothin' his shirt collar back down.
His eyes were tryin' ta hold back the tears, as his lips wobbled an' his whole body shook. He didn' even try ta answer me; jus' stood there tryin' ta look brave.
"Well,' Jones', then I guess, we do understand each other after all. Good. Now, here's what's gonna happen from now on. I'm goin' ta send some o' my boys 'round this area, an' they'll be my eyes an' ears, jus' ta make sure that you're keepin' your end o' the bargin an' that Olympia ain't workin'. Then, an' every month you'll get a personal visit from either them or me an' they'll check everythin' out an' you'll get your cut. Now, that sound good ta ya, Jones? Sounds good ta me," I smiled, my wide, soft smile.
His head nodded slowly, an' walkin' taward the door, I removed my hat in a mock salute an' said, "Be seein' ya Jones."
I left ' Jones's' shit-hole, feelin' good, knowin' that Kenny the Ripper were back, an' the hole that had been been created inside a me were gone. Shit.... It were power, not THE power, the Ackerman power (though that helped me achieve power), but jus' POWER. That were the only thin' that mattered, the only thin' that made this crappy, veil o' tears worth livin'. It don' matter that Kuchel were a whore, pregnant an' despised me. What mattered were that I did somethin'! Because o' me, she wouldn' be workin' or at least, wouldn' HAVE ta work. Because o' me that ass-wipe 'Jones' were standin' in a puddle o' his own piss, scared ta put a foot wrong, case I made good on my threat. That were power! Because o' me crowds moved ta let me an' my boys through the Underground. Because I ran it. People feared me, an' people did what I wanted, when I wanted it done...Because I were Kenny the Ripper, Ackerman.
An' that's when l knew it were time for me ta spread my wings an' start takin' over the underworld in Mitras – wipe out them bosses one by one, 'til all that was left was a whole lotta yes men an' a void that l could jus' walk in an fill.
'Course everyone down here knew my rep, but the rumours of my last months in the Underground, the killin' o' the Military Police that had guarded ol' Grandpa, as well as my boss' disappearance, had filted up ta the surface, an' l began ta hear that them in Mitras was whisperin' o' Kenny the Ripper. With my rep, Silver Lady an' my God given power; l 'd rule Mitras an' kill anyone that got in my way.''
I turned to Jas and said, " I really believed that you know Jas, part o' me still does. It, power, jus' makes everythin' so much betta. I've seen them that don' have it, Hell, I've been one o' them that don' have it, an' their lives are a misery. They jus' live accordin' ta the whims o' them in charge – no say in their own lives. It's a sad, pathetic, usless existence, Jas. An' I never want ta go back ta that, where someone else dictates MY life."
"But isn't that, the power, just an illusion, Kenny?" she asked, lookin' at me her eyes probin' and questionin'. " I mean, sure you can kill, bully and bribe to get your own way, and the things you want, but in the end; what does it get you really? You have a temporary high, where the fear is kept at bay as well as anything else you don't want to feel, but then it wears off and you've got to do it all over again to squash down what's inside you. That's not power Kenny. That's slavery. You're a slave to your own need not to feel", she finished, gently.
"And the irony is that it only works for so long, and not only do you give up the hurt and the emptiness, but , you also have to give up the good things; happiness, wisdom, love," she continued.
"So, how much HAVE you given up, Kenny?"
I were speechless. How could she talk that way ta me, ta Kenny Ackerman! But to her I weren' Kenny Ackerman. To her I were her friend, her kindred soul. And ta me, she were the kindest, wisest, mos' trustworthy person I had ever known. If she asked me this it were only 'cause she cared, not 'cause she were playin' an angle or tryin' ta bring me down. In fact, she wanted the opposite.
When I didn' respond, she continued," More than power, more than even having the abilty that Uri has, more than any of that; what you want is for it to all make sense and to feel. Even if it hurts. Don't you see Kenny, that when you FEEL -good or bad, it makes life real. Love makes life real. Then it doesn't matter what happens TO you, because you know that your ablity to love and be loved can't be controlled or destroyed, unless YOU let it!" she smiled at me.
"But I loved Kuchel, an' it didn' do jack- shit!" I protested.
"Yes", Jas said, holdin' my hands an' gently strokin' them. "You did, but part of that was need, too. Wasn't it? You loved her, but you also needed her, right? When your parents died, you needed her as much, probably more than she needed you. She was the thing that kept you going, kept you alive, because you knew you had to look after someone. Yes, it was due to her that you found your Ackerman power and gave up on being a 'good man' as you call it, but you also used her as the excuse to to what you've done. It was always 'for Kuchel' or 'to get Kuchel to the surface'. You needed HER. And when that burden became too great, and she found someone who just loved her - you fell apart. Your reason for your LIFE was gone for you and you couldn't cope. Yes you loved her, but you also put your need onto her, made her your reason and that's not fair"
"But look what happened when I didn'....she jus' died", I contradicted her.
"Yeah", agreed Jas. "But by then you'd sort of given up on her, hadn't you, and found something else to be your reason; at first Mitras, then serving Uri and then to trying to understand what Uri does. I guess what I'm saying is that; it's no life, there's no freedom when that reason is outside of yourself. True freedom, true power is when your reason to live comes because you are okay with feeling love...and pain, and realise that the only person that can make that good or bad , is YOU. You are the key to your own life, Kenny. Nobody else."
"But that being said, tell me about your rise in Mitras. It's all a part of you and I want to know you, be a part of you", she concluded, lookin' deep inta my eyes an' pullin' me close ta her; her tiny frame tryin' ta engulf my body , as if an embrace would make us one, instead o' two.
Desite myself, I felt my body melt inta hers an' my questions an' objections were silenced by the warm, strenghth o' her. It felt like safety... It felt like home. An' though I can't say that I completely agreed with her, or even understood all she'd said, I knew that it was for love o' me she'd said it, an' if I jus' stayed 'round her long enough, maybe one day I would understand.
I opened my mouth to speak, but were stopped by the memory of what she'd said. She held me close, silently holdin' me, envelopin' me with her warmth; allowin' me time, time to start to think. I guess she were kinda right in part, after all, when I held her, nothin' else mattered an' everythin' made sense. But the pain?! Maybe she were right 'bout that, 'cause no matter what I did I couldn' seem ta banish it completely, otherwise I wouldn' be here; talkin' ta her, with tears for Levi. But how all this pain could satisfy my search for meanin', that I couldn' figure. How could pain possibly create meanin'?
Grandpa's words floated in my mind; "We, Ackermans don' do well like that. Alone, with nothin'. We need someone or somethin', otherwise we jus' sorta give up an' die. Ya gotta put your anger an' your pain aside an' find her. For borh your sakes."
I continued ta hold her an' shook my head gently inta her shoulder and resumed my confession.
" Well, though I know that ya ain't gonna be impressed", I laughed, ironically an' heard her muffled giggle come from deep against my chest, '' I did take over the under world o' Mitras. I ran with that sense o' power an' purpose that I felt after leavin' Kuchel, at ' Jones's' 'establishment'. I'll admit that it took me a lot longer than I thought it would, an' it were a lot more difficult too, as I had ta do mos' o' my huntin', bribin', schemin', an' killin' after dark. An' I had ta contend with not only the bosses I wanted to replace, but also the Mitras Mliitary Police, snitches, informers wantin' ta make a quick buck on turnin' in a fugitive from the Underground, who'd found his way ta the surface. An' all the while, still keepin' the Underground, firmly under my control an' makin' sure that 'Jones' kept his end o' the bargin with Kuchel.
But I got there. I took it. An' though I still couldn' walk the streets o' Mitras, it bought me freedom. I had eyes an' ears every where that made my travel on the surface easier 'an it ever had been. The money came in, but 'cept for Kuchel, I had no use for it. Runnin' the game were all I wanted. It took two an' a half years. I'd heard from my boys that Kuchel's bastard had been born an' were now a toddler o' 'bout eighteen months. She were still taken care o' an' life were smooth. So's o' course, that ol' ache o' needin' more resurfaced, along with the dream o' gettin' Kuchel an' her brat out o' there.
So's I decided ta go see Grandpa, an' this time, I'd get my answers.