Sleeping this time around wasn't as simple. There was just so much on my mind that I couldn't shake off. I tossed and turned until I couldn't toss and turn anymore.
All that ran through my brain was what was to potentially come tomorrow. We hadn't discussed much of a plan and it stressed me out. I had a good idea of the direction Alayna would be heading if she was going to Uncle Dan's, but that was it. He was near The Great Sand Dunes of Colorado which was about a 20 hour drive from our destination in the middle of Steens Mountain Wilderness. That was also without stops. The idea of my just-barely-teenage sister traveling that far away alone made me sick to my stomach.
My arms slammed against my sides in frustration, eyes glued to the ceiling. I could feel the exhaustion in my body, but my mind wouldn't reciprocate that feeling. It was one of the most frustrating sensations in the world.
I must have been moving around louder than I meant to because I then heard Harry toss to his side moments later. I was so lost in my own thoughts I had almost forgotten he was in the same room also trying to sleep. I held my breath as to not create anymore commotion and wake him up. I crossed my fingers hoping that was enough.
It was still dark in the room, so details around me were slightly morphed together and it was hard to make out much of anything that wasn't directly in front of me. Spinning my head to the side, I assessed if Harry was still asleep or not.
His eyes were closed and I exhaled a breath of relief that I still held. I turned my head back parallel to the ceiling with my arms crossed against my chest.
"Why are you still awake?" A husky voice mumbled. My head shot back over, making my heart skip a beat. Damn it. Not asleep.
"Why are you?" I replied back, avoiding having to answer his question.
He let out a sleepy laugh, "I didn't exactly choose to be awake right now."
He stretched his arms out, letting out a groan before placing them behind his head for support. We were both staring at the ceiling now.
"Well you can just go back to sleep, I didn't ask you to stay awake with me anyway."
I didn't mean to sound so much like an asshole, it just came out that way. Abundance of nerves had a tendency to do that to me.
"Mm," he hummed out.
I didn't retort, I just continued to stay in my current position. My body felt tense and my heart raced from anxiety that had yet to calm down. It was easier to be stuck in my mind when I was alone and not with someone right beside me asking me questions. It shouldn't have annoyed me so much, but it did. I couldn't quite put my finger on why.
"Ya know," he paused and I could hear him turn his body to face me again. I kept my original stance, pretending I didn't notice. "I really don't get you."
I chewed on the inside of my cheek out of habit. "What's there to get?" My head turned on the pillow to look at him, my arms still held tightly together on my chest.
He sounded more awake now and he took a deep breath in.
"Dunno I guess. You just seem..." he trailed off and even with the darkness between us I could tell he was doing that thing again where he chose his words carefully. Sometimes it made me think he viewed me as a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any second. The more I thought about it, the less I blamed him for it. I was a ticking time bomb.
"...Confused. You seem like you're fighting against what you really want all the time. Like a disconnect from your mind to your body."
My eyebrows scrunched together, confused by what he meant.
"And you discovered this observation just by me being awake right now? Interesting conclusion you developed there."
He wasn't looking at me anymore. His body was still facing towards my direction, but his eyes had wandered off.
His eyes flickered back up to me, the expression on his face, even in the dark, making my breathing hitch. I didn't understand how he did that so effortlessly—no matter my mood, he could so easily intimidate me. I didn't even think he did it on purpose half the time.
"No not completely," he plainly said, "Any normal person who just went through what you have in the past 24 hours or so would be having a hard time sleeping, too. If anything, you're handling it a little too well...but that wasn't really what I meant, no."
He cleared his throat, "Look, I'm not here to judge how you process your own shit. I'm just saying—you don't have to lie to yourself either just because you're going through shit."
My eyes darted back and forth to each of his as I tried to form a response, "I'm not lying to myself."
My voice slightly raised, as if my statement ended as a question. There went me trying to not act defensively.
"That so?"
He had raised slightly up from the couch on an elbow, his chin now rested on his knuckles. His intense glare made me feel like he was staring past my eyes and into my actual soul.
"Yeah," I rolled over in the same position as Harry and we both continued to watch each other, "It is."
I hoped my fake-confidence was holding steady enough to be believable.
He looked down towards the carpet as a breathy laugh escaped his mouth that was curled into a smirk.
"Then how come since the moment I've met you, you've kept this hard front about you. Yet..." he tapped his chin in fake-thought, "The moment I come anywhere near you, your palms sweat. Your heart rate rises. Your eyes dart around the room looking for something, anything to look at that's not me?"
His eyes didn't once drop from mine as he spoke, "You don't fool me, Brin. You're even nervous right now."
"I don't know you," I threw back at him, "You're a stranger to me."
He sucked in a breath and released as he spoke, "Maybe so."
He sat up on the couch, his hands held onto the cushions at each side. I did my best to not give any semblance of a reaction. I never had to focus so hard in my life as that moment.
"You want me to be honest?" He said back to me.
I blinked a few times, not really sure if I did want that. One thing was for sure though, the previous worries had completely shifted now. I hadn't thought about what tomorrow faced since this conversation started.
"Okay," I sat up to be eye level with him. It seemed less intimidating this way and settled my nerves moderately.
He pushed himself off the couch with his arms and with just a few strides he sat right next to me. My body barely had time to react as his knees brushed against mine. Out of instinct I pulled to the opposite direction to create more distance but caught myself in the middle of doing so. I sat back down, pretending like this newfound closeness didn't make my cheeks burn hot.
He leaned his forearms onto his knees and peered over the side, our faces only about a foot apart. It brought me back to the last time we were face-to-face this close in the car. He knew what he was doing then and he knew what he was doing now.
Don't get me wrong, the part about me calling him a stranger and not knowing him wasn't a lie. What annoyed me about myself was the fact that while what I said wasn't a lie, what he said wasn't a lie either. Maybe even more so.
"Look at me," he softly commanded.
I lightly sucked in my cheeks, biting them with my teeth as I swung my gaze back towards him. It was so silent I swore he could hear how hard my heart pounded. I let go of my cheeks and replaced it with my bottom lip in between my teeth instead, biting at the skin.
His eyes moved to a strand of hair that dangled in front of my face and he tucked it behind my ear. My eyes blinked hard as they tried to fight the urge to look away.
He leaned back, "But you have to be honest with me, too." He continued to peer at me, his eyes in a questionable squint as an attempt to read me.
"Okay," I said again.
I didn't realize how tight of a grip I had on the couch cushions until I noticed my fingertips beginning to go numb. I loosened my grasp and mentally reminded myself to release the other tensions in my body, too.
He darted his eyes from my right to left eye a few times before opening his mouth again. He inhaled a deep breath and fell back into the couch as he released it through his parted lips. I could feel his glare at the back of my head and I began to mess with the skin around my nails.
"You're doing it again."
"What?" I shot a look back towards him.
"Pretending you don't care, lying to yourself." His nonchalance was bringing back my aggravation.
"Can you just stop?" I spat back with force in my words.
He looked at me slightly bewildered.
"You keep saying all this shit about me having this 'hard' exterior, lying to myself, or whatever else. Meanwhile you," I pointed an accusing finger towards him, "You only know how to play mind games. You try to fuck with my head and then just blame it on me not totally trusting you. Newsflash asshole, I don't trust you." My chest heaved deep breaths of anger.
He didn't even look affected by my words, he looked as if he enjoyed it in a way. His arms were still sprawled over the top of the couch and he looked as relaxed as he started.
I wasn't done, that level of anger had seemed to give me a boost of confidence that I needed to say what I had been wanting to this whole time.
"And I'm not lying to myself either. I don't even know what that means, especially if you're trying to insinuate anything between me and you. If I wanted something to happen, it would."
My tone had softened. I wasn't exactly sure how much I believed what I said—I would like to believe it, but after the words had left I felt smaller. I didn't want to believe it. Maybe he really was right. I winced at the thought, distracting myself from having to think about it any further.
"And you're confusing enough yourself," I mumbled under my breath. He let out a quick, low laugh as a response.
My eyes had moved away from his face without me realizing and I shot them back up. The previous smugness was wiped from his face and he looked deep in thought as his eyes bore into mine.
In one swift movement his face was back up to mine, closer than it ever had been before. My mouth was slightly agape and I knew he could feel my breaths hit his mouth. I knew this because I felt his. I was silently hoping it sent the same feeling down his spine as it did mine.
He crooked his head to the side, flicking his stare down to my lips for a moment. A moment long enough that I caught it. My tongue nervously brushed over my bottom lip.
"Are you nervous right now?"
He looked up at me with such an innocent look on his face. If this was another one of his mind games I was falling right into its trap. I didn't want to pull away though, not this time.
"No," I choked out almost in a whisper. A lie.
His right hand rose up to cup the side of my face, his thumb pressed against my jawline as it began to rub back and forth along my cheek. He watched his fingers as it trailed along the side of my face before bringing his focus back down to eye level.
"I hope you know I can tell when you're lying."
The tension between us felt unbearable. I wasn't used to this in any phase of my life. I was raised surrounding what it meant to survive, nothing more and nothing less. Not once did I ever prepare for something like this. I didn't know how to react to the bodily sensations that currently coursed through me. I read about these things, sure, but I wasn't experienced.
Far from.
His grip tightened and I knew he could feel my heartbeat through my neck. Of course he could tell I was lying—I was one wrong move away from completely folding underneath his touch.
My eyes closed to try and steady my breath again. His thumb dragged over to my chin, lightly brushing over my bottom lip. The feeling caused my eyes to spring open. I noticed his gaze was planted back on my mouth, watching his finger trail back over my lip as it dragged it down ever so slightly to expose the bottom row of my teeth.
My breathing was audible now and Harry noticed, looking at me with his all-knowing grin. He definitely knew what he was doing. The tension was so thick I wanted to jump out of my seat. I didn't want to move though at the same time. I wanted to sit and feel every moment of his skin against mine, the hotness of his breath tickling my face. I wanted to feel his rough fingertips slide over my mouth over and over.
He looked back up to me, his smile not faltering for a moment. Without a second thought he crashed his lips into mine. At the same time his other hand reached up to the other side of my face, my body slackening at the touch.
Both of our lips parted against each other's. A small shiver ran down my spine as he swiped his tongue against my bottom lip that he was just toying with seconds ago. My hands could no longer sit idly by at my side as they reached up for desperate contact. My arms wrapped together behind his head, pulling our bodies closer. One hand entangled itself into his hair, the other firm around the back of his neck.
My chest pressed tightly against his while we moved our lips together in harmony. Harry let out a small hum in the back of his throat as he began to lean back, my body following.
His rough hands slid underneath the back of my shirt, trailing his fingers up and down slowly. Each of my legs were spread on either side of his hips as I leaned into him. His hips shot up as he deepened the kiss further. Whatever amount of closeness we had didn't feel like enough. I had only ever kissed someone once before, but everything came naturally. My body moved with his as my hands began to roam along his chest, his muscles tensing underneath my fingers.
His hands parted from my back and firmly gripped both sides of my hips, driving them deeper into his lap. As he did so, his thumbs rubbed circles in the creases between my hips and thighs. A small groan of my own came out without warning, leaving a smile on Harry's face as the kiss continued. My body felt on fire.
And even though the fire I felt inside was suffocating in the best way, I knew I needed to stop. As much as I loved the distraction, and by God was it distracting, this wasn't the most effective use of time right now—for either of us. We had a long day tomorrow and I would be lying to myself if I wasn't nervous to go any further, too.
I pulled at his bottom lip with my teeth and sat back up.
My ass sat directly on top of his torso, hands placed firmly on his chest. I peered down at him and watched his chest quickly rise up and down. His lips were a brighter pink than his normal shade and he looked taken aback from our sudden distance.
He was still taking in heavy breaths as a crooked smile formed on his mouth. He reached his hand up to my face, swiping the pad of his thumb over the bottom of my lip to collect the mix of our spit still lingering.
The touch almost made me want to fall back into his arms, craving his touch again. Instead I leaned my body down until we were face to face again. I darted my eyes from his mouth and back up to his eyes, a smirk of my own showing.
"See?" I waited as I held his focus and brought my lips so close they brushed against his as I spoke, "I can be honest."
I smiled once more and then climbed off of him, leaving him in the same state I had just left him. His legs and arms hadn't moved an inch and he had an expression of impressed disbelief. To be fair, internally I had the same feeling, it just didn't show on my face. My knees threatened to buckle and I had to sit back down. I chose the other couch to toss my body onto, afraid he would notice my nerves if I was close to him again.
He finally sat up, shaking his head towards the ground with a small laugh escaping. He looked back up to me with a more serious look now.
"I definitely like it better when you're honest."
His words made me say a silent thank you for being surrounded in a dark room because my cheeks immediately bloomed pink. That was harder to hide than shakey legs.
I scoffed with a hint of laughter, throwing a pillow at his face, "Don't get used to it."
He immediately caught it and threw it back over, "Wouldn't dream of it."