Hi guys, so I have decided to end this book this way, and just end it with the epilogue, even though this story did not have a "prologue." I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read this, and took this journey with El and Harry to the very end. There will be a sequel I think, I don't know yet.. I am having some second thoughts. Plus I have an idea for a new story and I need to continue Letters to Alice. Anyways, grab your tissue boxes and read.
-HaiItsEl
**
Beep Beep Beeeep
The alarm clock beeps at the same time it does every morning at six. It gives me enough time to get the kids up and ready before I make breakfast. Groaning I turn over and hit the snooze button, like I do every morning. I usually end up falling asleep again, going back to dream world. That is until the alarm sounds again five minutes later telling me that I definitely need to get up. I stretch and open my eyes to three little bodies cuddling my side. It's not an surprising sight to see, it happens around this time of year.
"Good morning," I told them before kissing each of their foreheads.
As on cue they all woke up and turned to me, "Good morning daddy." I chuckle slightly and give them a small smile as they look at me with sleepy faces and messy hair.
"Why don't you guys find Uncle Li and go get ready for the day. I'll make some breakfast," I suggested. The three of them nodded their heads slowly as they walked back to their rooms. Looking back at my alarm clock, I stare at the photo next to it. Sitting back down on the bed, I slowly took the frame into my hands. Today makes two years since she's left us. Two years since that fateful day, where she went to dream world.
I can't help but blame myself for this. I keep going back and trying to figure out where I went wrong, where I missed out on clues she was keeping this from me. She knew the odds of her making it out were slim, and she never once told me the day before it happened. She didn't want me to stop her from making a decision that was already set in stone in her mind.
"Daddy, can we have chocolate chip pancakes today." Beau's voice filled the room as he walked to my spot on the bed. "I thought since Aliv told me that mommy always liked them," he whispered the last part.
Although Beau didn't know El for long, he grew attached her the first five minutes we talked to him. He always listens to the stories we told of El, and he always told about safe she made him feel. I remember a couple months ago, I was watching the video El left for us and Beau had walked in on me crying. He told me couldn't sleep and asked if he could snuggle. I opened my arms to him and he snuggled into my chest as we continued to watch El talk and laugh on the tv. That's when he told me that even though he didn't know her for very long, he felt like there was a piece of her in him. That she was watching him, and keeping him safe. Then he thanked me again for adopting him before falling asleep.
"Of course baby," I hugged him and he ran out of the room. These last two years have been difficult for me. The first couple of months, I stopped talking to anyone but the kids. I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want to believe she was gone. I still refush to believe that she gave up that easily. I turned into a zombie, I barely ate, slept. I didn't want to live without my El. Simon gave us the year off to recooperate, and get our emotions back together. I'm pretty sure that was directed more towards me.
It's hard knowing that I can wake up every day and I won't be able to stare at her while she's asleep or to give her morning kisses even though she hated when she had morning breath. It's hard to know that I can wake up and she can't. That she's going to be trapped into that dream forever. All of her things are still in her closet, but they are losing her vanilla and gingerbread sent. Yeah, I stayed at the cottage.. actually all of us stayed in this small town. I wanted to live here so that the kids could visit their mom, which we do almost every day.
Beau is now five and Aliv now four and a half, while Eli just turn two a couple months ago. Aliv is now in third grade with enrichment classes because her classes bore her. She complains every night and insists that Zayn should just take her to museums while travelling with him and Kelly. She is growing up to have the same stubborn qualities like her mother. If you compare photos of young El and Aliv next to each other they looks almost like exact copies. Aliv is a replica of her mother, except for the blue eyes and fairer skin. She also inherited El's singing voice, which she thinks is terrible and tells me that I don't know what she is talking about because I'm her dad.
Beau's hair is definitely curlier and he has grown at twenty inches making him almost at the correct height for a five year old. My mum likes to joke that he is my secret love child, becuase he looks exactly like me. Crazy isn't it.
Eli on the other hand, looks exactly like his father and it kills me. But I promised El to always love him and I do... I treat him exactly as I treat Aliv and Beau, with love and care. He is always a happy baby boy, always curious and likes to explore. Over the last couple of months though I've noticed that he had a stuttering problem like El and Liam was working with him on how to fix it.
With his bright blue eyes and brown hair, he gets mistaken for Niall and Jean's son. Especially when they take him out to go shopping or to his early childhood development class. Like the one day his teacher, Miss Reacher, wouldn't allow me to pick him up because he didn't look anything like me. It was a dreadfully long process until they pulled up his birth certificate and the certificate of where I adopted him under my name. It only reminded me of her, and it did not help that Miss Reacher asked where his mum was. I couldn't exactly get the words out and she figured it out when the tears began to pour down my face.
That day I broke down emotionally and I was unable to talk or move for a week. Jean and Niall took the kids from me and Liam had to spoon feed me. It was a dark period, and I still have them. It just hurts so much, ya know? To know that the one you love has been through so much pain in her life only to be lost forever in dream world. I can feel myself forget certain things about her, and it scares me. I just want to hold her in my arms and kiss her like im falling in love all over again. I just want her back so badly.
Wiping the tears streaming down my face, I went back to work on the pancake batter. "Daddy, I stuck." A little voice rang through the kitchen. I turned around to find Eli's head stuck in his baby blue sweater.
Laughing I took his off of him, "Buddy, I think it's time to hang up that sweater. It's getting to small for you!"
"But daddy, I always wear th-his one whe-when we visssited mommy and.. and.. she likes this color blue.. I, I.. I have to wear it.. for mom- mommy." The small sobs escaped his body as I took him into my arms. Out of all the kids, Eli has taken this the hardest. He doesn't understand the concept that his mummy is in dream world because of a surgery and illness. He thinks it is because she left him, like she didn't want him. I try very hard to explain to him that isn't the case, that she loves him very much. We even watch old movies of his mum and I tell all the fantastic stories I have. Liam helps a lot in those parts too.
"It's okay E, we can see if Uncle Li can find you a new blue sweater. Mommy will like it just as much." Aliv's mature four year old voice came from behind me as she flashed me a small smile.
"Would you like that?" I asked him and he buried his head farther into my chest. He sniffled a little more then nodded his head before giving me a tight squeeze, following his older sister back upstairs. Sighing I fought back my own tears and continues to make the pancakes. I was making enough for the whole gang today, this is the second year without her and we all like to spend it together, even if we are together at the studio everyday.
Each boy has their own key for emergencies or just to let themselves in. As a band our sales have skyrocketed. The fans were very understanding in our time of mourning over El, our directioners were just as devastated. Even Simon and management were, see I sent them a video of El singing to Eli the one night so maybe Simon would let her come on tour with us and open with a couple of songs. He was impressed and decided to give her a shot, as my fiancé and as a singer. We didn't tell her though because we knew she would be mad at us, being as stubborn as she is/was. At the interview when we sang our duet of Between the Raindrops by Lifehouse and Natasha Bedingfield and she sang an original song, the fans and the world was stunned by her voice. Our tech guys even extracted the song from the interview and created an single on iTunes for the world to be able to listen to it over and over again.
Then that unfortunate day happened and we lost her. She was our inspiration for our next album, mostly covers of her favorite songs and some new ones wrote by Niall and some of just me. We had Aliv sing with us for the one song, but we kept her name unknown. The album that we called, Memories of You, won us 8 Grammies, 7 Brits, and many more awards. Sometimes I don't think she understood how much she meant to everyone. Actually I knew that for a fact that she didn't feel that she was important to life. But that wasn't true as she was an important part of everyone's lives, especially mine.
Louis proposed to Eleanor six months after we said goodbye to El, but he told me that he went to visit her before he got down on one knee. He said that he had a long chat and he knew she was looking out for him with this decision, as he knew that El would back him up under whatever circumstance. They were Terror Twins, destroying whatever was in their way. Kelly and Zayn have been in a solid relationship for almost a year and a half now. They work out Kelly's traveling schedule with our tour and recording schedule and they make it work. When they told the rest of us that they were officially together the smile on my face couldn't have been bigger. If there had to be a person that was struggling as much as me, it had to be Zayn. He told he what she had made him promise him, and the pain and agony he went through on that day. It blames himself all the time, but Kelly brought him out of those dark times. He helps me with the kids as much as he can, like he promised.
Liam and Danielle are still as strong as ever, and he told me his plans on proposing in the next month or two. While Dani is off dancing, Liam stays at the cottage with me most of the time. He helps me with the cleaning and kids. We have been getting a lot closer since our petty arguments and misunderstandings. We have all matured a lot over these past two years. It's hard to think that way because our age, but mentally and physically you can tell a difference. Oh and I can't forget our little Nialler and his princess Jean. They are still the adorable couple that still fights over food, but they have moved up in their relationship as well. Can I mention that you might be seeing a future little Horan running around sometime soon? Yes, you guessed it. Jean is now five months pregnant with their first child, although we don't know what the gender the baby is because they are keeping it a huge secret from all of us. Only El knows.
"Hey Harry." Jean and Niall greeted me as they put the food that they cooked for tonights dinner into the fridge.
"He guys, how are you?" I asked them as I flipped the final pancakes before calling down the kiddos.
Jean just started to laugh as Niall explained, "We had a rough night." Ahh, young parents and morning sickness and cravings. I sometimes envy them because I will never get to truly experience what it is like.
"Yeah, this little bugger made me crave Oreos and chocolate ice cream but none of the stores were open and we ran out," She fake sobbed as she rubbed her baby bump.
"Good morning Uncle Ni, Aunt Jean, and baby!" Beau arrived first to the kitchen as he sat down in his seat. "Daddy can you cut these for me?"
"Yeah sure!" I ran over to him and cut the pancakes into squares and triangles before doing the same to Aliv's and Eli's. "Beau, how about for a treat... You can go watch cartoons while eating. I'll send Aliv and Eli in soon, just no fighting over what program to watch. Make sure it is something appropriate please." I told him after I dished out Jean's and Niall's plates.
"Okay Daddy, I will make sure!" He stood and ran into the living room.
"Don't make a mess!" I warned him as Aliv and Eli walked in with Eli wearing a different blue sweater.
I could feel him walk up to me to pull on my pants leg to ask, "Daddy, do you like my sweater?"
Laughing I picked him up, "Yes baby, and I am sure your mummy will too." I told him as I grabbed his plate and Aliv followed us out to the living room. I made sure that the program they were watching was appropriate and then turned to walk into the kitchen. "Would you guys like seconds?" I asked trying to busy myself.
"Harry will you please sit down for once, you don't have to try so hard anymore." Jean's soft voice soothed me in her motherly tone.
"It just hurts so much. I miss her like crazy, it's been two years. Two years..." I trailed off as I let myself sob into her arms. I could feel myself at my breaking point, it was like my world was crashing down for another time. As soon as I get my feet on the ground, i just break through the glass. I just want my El back, my El.
"It'll be okay Harry." Niall tried to sooth me as well, but it just wasn't going to happen anymore. I just miss her so much, so so so so so so so much. I looked up to see a pair of blue eyes with tears filling them, and I turned my head to see my El's best friend sobbing. It was hard on all of us.
"I think about her every second of every minute of every hour of every day. They way her smile would light up the whole world, even if she was having a terrible day. The way she never liked listening to her voice on tape. The way she made me feel whole, like I didn't have this missing piece any more. That I had found my soul mate. My everything. It pains me everyday to know she is in that dream world, to never come out. The doctors apologized to me thousands of times, that they thought she would tell me the outcome of this surgery. But that was El for you, her smile told lies and her eyes told stories. It was almost as if she was taunting me saying, 'You don't know me at all.' I just miss her so much." I sobbed into my hands, the black hole of sadness over taking my body. I've held it in for too long, and now it's just consuming me up. This guilt is eating at my brain, also I have nothing to but guilty of. I thought she was finially going to be better, but I was wrong. So wrong, and now she's stuck in that dream world never to come out again.
I soon felt strong arms wrap around me as they soothed me. "Deep breaths Harry, you can not let your body get this worked up. We need you to stay healthy, you get to see her today again. Remember?" Liam's voice asked me. I nodded my head into his chest, and continued to sob. This is just so hard. I thought to myself and it was. "I can clean up the kitchen and the kids, why don't you go and get ready to see El." I nodded again only to get out of his embrace and ran up the stairs quickly so the kids wouldn't see the pain I'm in.
*Later*
Soon enough, we were in the two SUV's that were taking us to visit El. Niall, Jean, Lou, and Zayn were in the one. The kids, Liam, and I in the other. Liam never lets me drive when we visit, but I don't blame him. I'm a wreck already, tears spilling from my red and puffy eyes. I couldn't hold them in anymore. If you really think about it, you never know how someone deals with a death or traumatic experience until you have lived with it. I can't really express what I'm feeling, and I know I should let go.. but I just.. can't.
"Daddy, are you sad?" The tiny voice came from behind me. I tried getting the words out, but they were lodged in the back of my throat. I just chocked on my sobs and nodded my head. It might seem like I'm weak and I can't be strong.. but today is the day. The decision.
"Your daddy is really sad buddy. He misses your mum very very much. Just like you, Aliv, and Beau," Liam explained to Eli as I failed too. I started to hear the three very different sniffles, "Hey now, it'll be okay. Remember what I tell you every night? Your mum is where?"
"In our hearts," Aliv breathed out before she started to cry.
"And your mum loves you guys so so so much. She wouldn't want you guys to cry, she would want you guys to smile. She would want you guys to be happy because she is right here with you. Always," I looked over to Liam and saw him blink back his own tears. Sometimes even those words aren't convincing.
We soon stopped at our destination. I slowly got out of the car and walked to the back to unbuckle Eli and Aliv from their car seats. I decided to carry EJ because there were still a lot of paprazzi and crying fans around. It makes me so angry that the paps would actually come out on this day and try to snap pictures of us while we were mourning. It's just rude, and disrespectful. And I mean I love our fans, but they can't just leave us alone for one day.
As we continued to walk in our procesion I could feel stares and the sympathetic looks. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest and my knees getting weak. My palms were clammy, sweat dripping down my face. We turned slightly contintueing our walk, we walked into the room where El called home for the last two years.
A medically induced coma. That's what it was, a medically induced coma that she never woke up from. They said in a couple days, and she didn't even move a muscle. They said that surgery was successful, but then a complication happened when they were finishing it up and her brain started to swell. They placed her into a medically induced coma so it would stop the swelling. Good thing was it stopped the swelling in less than two days.
The last time I visited El was two days ago. She still looks the same as she did before, lifeless. She has tubes going down her throat and wires and IVs and everything hooked up to her. Her face is thinner and she still has a bandage wrapped around her eyes and head. Everyday she is moved so her joints wont lock up and stop functioning, and the steady beat of her hearts never changes.
I walk up slowly to her bed and dance my fingers across her skin, her face, and her lips. Leaning down carefully I peck her forehead and then sit down in my chair with Eli in my lap. I lace her fingers in mine and let the tears fall freely. No one else said anything, just the sound of everyone's cries brought us together.
"Hi El," I started off slowly. They say if you talk to a person in a comatose state that they can hear you and sometimes they are brought back that way. So far, there hasn't been any progress, but I won't let that stop me. "Today is the two year anniversary since you left us and things today aren't so great. I made chocolate chip pancakes this morning, Beau reminded me that they were your favorite. I let the kids eat in front of the TV," I chuckled picturing her giving me one her mum looks. "I know you hate when they do that but I thought you would not mind. It's okay because they were watching Animal Planet about puppies. Eli wanted to ask you a question," I turned to look at him and nodded my head.
"Do, do, do you like my new ssssweater mommy? Daddy said the- the other on..one wa- was too sssmall." He asked El and then dug his head into my chest waiting for his mum's reply that would never come.
"I'm sure she likes it EJ," I told him as I rubbed small circles into his back. "Beau wanted to tell you about his spelling test, right Beau?"
He nodded his head before taking out a piece of paper from his jacket pocket, "We had our biggest spelling test ever mom! It had over ten words and out of the whole class I got them all right! Mr. Uman gave me a big sticker and a cookie! I hope you are proud of me!" He beamed as he placed the test into her hands and looked back at me with tears in his eyes. I kissed his forehead before whispering,
"She will always be proud of you." I turned to look at Aliv who was playing with Zayn's hair and smiled smally at her.
"I finally made a friend! His name is Marco and he is just like me. He is four too and he was placed in my third grade enrichment class and first grade class. He said his two daddies knew he was special and that they wanted him to try it out. Marco has brown hair and greenish blue eyes like daddy! He is cute," she finished her sentence blushing. My surprised look on my face made her giggle which was music to my ears.
I shook my head comically, "El, she's already talking about boys. Are you sure she is only four? I swear she is about thirteen in that brain of hers. We miss you terribly love, and today's the day. I have to make this decision of whether to pull the plug. I have no choice though, the hospital wants me to do it. They said that two years was the maximum for your state. I just wish I could feel your warmth one more time, cause right now your hands are frozen. Like ice, and I don't know how how I will be able to live without you. I want marry you and make you mine officially. I want to make more Styles-es with you, I just want you back. We all do. Please come back El.." I broke down as I sobbed into Eli's brown hair.
"Guys, why don't we go to the cafeteria and get some food. Let your papa have some alone time with you mum," I heard Liam's soft voice and sniffles fill the room. Jean gave me a quick squeeze before she followed the procession out of the room.
Soon enough the door opened again and the sound of the doctors feet filled the room. "Mr. Styles, good to see you again." I just looked at him with a blank stare. "I know you are still grieving Harry, and it is hard. I am not going to deny that one, but if you pull it her organs could be used to help other people they-"
"No," I cut him off. "Don't say that. El will come back, I know she will. I can feel it, something big is going to happen. I can't just give up on her yet, not when I've believed in her this far. I have until tomorrow, I'll make my final decision tomorrow if nothing happens." I pleaded with him as I grasped El's hand a little harder. Truthfully, I'm afraid to let go.
"Take all the time you need." He whispered before leaving the room.
"See El, I didn't give up on you. I won't give up on you, on us. Not even if the skies get rough. Now look at what you made me do. I've turned into a hopeless romantic by quoting song lyrics. Man, what I would do for you to laugh that affectious laugh of yours. You probably would have melted into my touch and we would snuggle on the couch sipping tea and eating cookies. It would be like old times. I miss those, its been four years since we had a normal date. I feel as if you wake up that things in our life will be so much brighter. That you will be better, but even if you aren't I would stand by you. In sickness and in health remember?" I took a deep breath, "I love you so much El, and I need you to stay with me."
"Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay"
I continued to sing to her softly until the group came back. Visiting hours were almost over and they said I needed to eat. I didn't want to leave her though. "Well El, it looks like the doctors are kicking us out for the night. I'll come and visit you tomorrow. I'll bring the laptop and play all of our videos together. How does that sound?" I cried knowing that tomorrow will be officially the last day we will have together. "I'm sorry I'm crying El, I'm a down right mess at the moment. I wish I was the strong Harry you once fell in love with. I love you so much. Okay kids kiss you mum goodnight," I picked up each of the toddlers and helped them kiss their mum's cheek or forehead before kisses her lips for one of the last times. I squeezed her hand telling her that I would be back soon.
Wait, no.
I didn't feel a return squeeze.
No.
I'm imagining that.
I can hear the heart monitor beep even more to life.
NO.
She's not waking up.
My El.
She's waking up.
Oh GOD.
"Call the doctor, she squeezed my hand!" I screamed at the others. They looked startled as I kept screaming my head off. "Do it now!" Soon feet were rushing into the room.
"Mr. Styles, we need you to calm down. We think you are in shock, El hasn't moved in two years, you are just imagining it."
"No. She.. She squeezed it back. It was light, but I felt it. I'm not crazy," I pleaded with the nurses. I squeezed her hand again and the light squeeze was returned. "See, she squeezed it back." I looked at all the eyes were on El's brain activity monitor which started to buzz like crazy.
She was back. My El was back.
**
El Fin.