17 hours.
SAMANTHA
"WHAT? WHAT IS TIA? WHAT ARE YOU..-" wailed his mum.
"Aunty, he will be okay." I forced the words out of my mouth, biting my lower lip to stop trembling.
"Huh." She cried more.
I wouldn't blame her, absolutely not. I am holding my tears, holding it for the past 32 hours, hoping and praying that that last minute is not to come.
Sapan had worsened further. He can hardly say a word, is really pale. His skin is sunken and his bones are visible underneath, his lips are black almost.
Fighting my tears watching him this way, is really hard. I can't look at him this way, I want to be there for him, but I am not strong enough. Not emotionally and mentally strong enough to bear pain. This is shattering me. I need him with me. I need him. I cannot lose him. I feel horrible that I can't help him stay strong, though even now, even now he is putting up a brave face and a smile and telling me it'll be fine. Why can't I be as strong as him? Why am I so fragile?
Is this fragility, is what he loved? Is this lack of will is what he loved? Is this fear, is what he wanted for the rest of his life?
Apparently.
SAPAN
My fear is losing her. Not death, not oblivion, not bloodshed. Losing her. Losing myself leading to losing her. The very thought of it is severing my brain.
~
I have TIA, and they say, actually I overheard that uh, I might hit the bucket. I,.. I just, I can't even cry that I am going away, I can't perceive thoughts of losing her, I can't help but miss us.
I can't talk much, or write. My ideas of death in peace, and the note I'd written the past month actually come in handy now. Some Yoga or Illuminati I don't know, but I wanted to write a death note, actually not a death note, sort of a sorry/thank you/love you/miss you note. That is actually kept in the living room and I know she'll find it when she, she clears it.
I also hid another note, just for her, somewhere only she can find. It isn't any sorry note or anything, just a note of my emotions rather. I didn't write it because of the conception of death, because I always wanted her to know I love her beyond anything in this world.
Always.
~
The time was 8:32 and they got some bland, yucky porridge along with my tablets.
The porridge, warm, burned my wind pipe as it went down and my stomach churned as the taste came back again on my palate.
Oh crap.
There was no one in the room, Samantha was outside talking to my parents, I knocked the drip lines out and she came in rushing, her eyes worried.
"Sapan, Sapan what happened?" She rubbed my chest as profound, pressurized coughs came up.
Shit.
The porridge came out in a slur, my puke all over the bed.
Samantha's eyes widened as she started trembling. She called for Roshan as they both pulled me out slowly.
She took me to the restroom in the ward, and washed my "sack"(that's what she calls it) outwardly, her nose twitching and her eyes holding tears.
I felt embarrassed and useless. I just vomited, I made her wash it, I am standing here watching her cry, my limbs almost numb, that I can't move them to embrace her and tell her I am sorry.
Useless is what I am.
Don't I deserve to die?
SAMANTHA
Now this. I cannot take this anymore.
I don't care about cleaning up his puke, it's all the infliction. He isn't liking food. He is worsening.
This is unbearable.
I made him lay down on the newly made bed.
"So.., rr..--"
"Sapan it's okay. I have no problem. I'll do anything, anything to help you ease."
Yes I'd do anything, even if it's losing myself for him.
Come vial.
If it means staying with him even in his sickness and health then yes.
I drink to thee.
SAPAN
I didn't want to talk to much, I wanted to take her with me and get lost to nowhere. I didn't want to see anybody else except her. I didn't want anybody else except her. I am controlling myself, so I can, with great difficulty, pop the question once. Just ONCE.
I decided 6 again, because 6'o clock is when I want to do it. And I know or atleast hope that I will survive till then.
Yes I know I sound like a miserable desperado.
Yes.
I am.
I am a miserable desperado madly in love with a woman named Samantha who drives me insane.
It was going to be only 5 words.
Simple.
(Not really)
I am counting bittersweet hours now, I guess.
SAMANTHA
Severe TIA- Transient ischemic attack
He had to drive that friggin bike that way? Idiot.
No scolding will suffice in his case. Losing him is like losing 99.99% of myself. He taught me how to be, how not to be, to believe again, trust myself again, to move on, forgive, love, to live. Introversion to socialism. Him.
I don't want to be the old me. And for that not to happen, I need him.
What will I do without him?
He is not going you idiot. They're trying. Hope.
Really? You think he'll stay?
I don't know. Perhaps. But feeling's mutual. So he will. Please. Optimism.
Okay. He will survive.
Good.
~
11:38.
7.., NO.
I'd eaten half a bread and Sapan, he pushed down the muesli nonchalantly.
I went and sat beside him, watching the food go down his Adam's apple as he stuck his tongue out in distaste. His palm clutched his chest as I sprang up from the chair and held his face between my palms
"It's okay. It's okay. Just swallow. Mhm slow.."
He nodded to my instruction and his eyes looked at me sadly.
"I love you" he mouthed. No voice. No.
"I love you too. A lot." I didn't know what, or why. I leaned in and softy placed my lips on his, but.,
SAPAN
Her lips were on mine, and my mind was racing as always. My hands urged to pull her into my arms and kiss her harder. My fingers urged for them to twirl in her hair, my tongue wanted to play in her mouth. Oh no, I couldn't.
I couldn't move anything. I tried lifting my hand up to her cheeks, but I only succeeded half way through.
When she comes around, I feel rejuvenated. But now, I feel paralysed not because of her, because of myself. All me.
Actually, I am paralyzed, am I not?
Half-dead.
~
The time was half past noon, and my eyes were fixed on the blades of the fan, how it swiftly cuts through the air and spins in high speed.
Despite the air from the fan, I felt squirmy and sweaty.
The "sack" was glued to my skin, and my hair was plastered to my forehead.
I was dead tired and I was counting hours for 6.
Each hour felt like forever, and I could feel myself withering away.
Samantha had stayed with me for the past hour and I could feel the tears in her eyes.
What will I do if I die? I will be leaving all of them? I will be leaving her? How do I know she'll even listen to my request in my note to her? How am I going to survive in heaven or hell, without my soul.
Oh well, I am retarded, aren't I? I die, my soul is taken, no ripped apart from me isn't it?
Do I deserve this? Does she deserve this? Or,,.. were we never meant to be?
SAMANTHA
Each hour was like minutes, slow-passing.
I want to run away from all of this, this frustration is consuming. I want to close my eyes, and want him to pinch me, saying it's all a bad dream. I want to close my eyes, and let the darkness consume me--forever, on one hand. I want to stay awake and face all of this monstrosities and painful happenings, and be brave on the other hand.
Which one do I choose?
Crossroads are consuming me again.
~
I glanced at the huge clock hung up the wall, and my eyes were fixed on the second hand moving at it's pace.
Hardly did I realize that I'd been doing this and getting sucked into my own thoughts for the past hour and a half like a total idiot.
NO.
Damnit, it's 14:03.
I decided I needed to stay with him, he is going to pull through, He WILL pull through..
Yes, he will.
He will.
~
I went inside and he was asleep.
I kissed his forehead and noticed his right palm clutching onto something?
What is it?
I went and slowly tried opening his palm, careful not to wake him up.
Alas! He startled and pulled his hand slightly away. His eyes were wide and shocked and I staggered back.
There was a moment of silence, my eyes fixated on the ground.
"How are you fee..," he'd slept, with his hand still wrapped around that thing.
I sat there and linked my hand with his, my head placed over shoulder.
~
"How was it this time baby?"
I blushed, "I liked it."
"Only like?" he lifted my face to his.
"Oh I lo,..loved it Sapan"
"Good girl. Are you steady for one more?" he winked and pushed me on the bed.
"Bring it on."
"Submissive. Nice."
We laughed as his forehead touched mine, his right palm on the small of my back and the other's index and thumb finger holding my face.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Stay with me forever."
"I will."
"We'll have a small family haha"
"Family?" my eyes widened.
"A boy like me and a girl like you. Okay?"
"Mhm. Sounds like you're on a mission."
"Yes yes haha." He laughed, his palm moving up and tickling me at my hip.
"Stop it hah stop!!!"
"No way haha"
~
The dream broke away when the clock made a ding dong sound.
I startled to find the time being 4.
I'd slept like this, with him for two hours almost?
Whoa.
Oh crap.
120 minutes? No no.
~
I got up and went out to freshen up when I saw Leo standing in the shadows.
"Hey."
"What are you doing here? Came to see if he's alive or dead?"
"No. Samantha I am sorry. Really. I realize that all that I've done to you is torture and I sincerely apologize for all of it."
"Okay. Please go away from here."
"Can you hear me out? I am..,"
I gestured for him to shut up and he did.
"Go away." I said as I walked back inside.
~
Nothing happened the next hour. Everything was fine and I was happy. He is going to make it.
He will.
"Looks like he'll make it!"
"Yes! Yes Roshan! His breath is constant, except minor hiccups, and the TIA, it is freaking me out though."
"I'm sure he will be okay."
"Hope so."
~
I went home and washed up. The green paint I'd ordered was here.
Yay.
We both can paint that space together after he comes back. The time was 5:50 and there was absolutely no problem.
No hurried phone calls.
I was happy and calm for the first time in 3 days.
~
I reached the hospital around 6:13 and it was all fine.
*Immediate boost of self-esteem*
SAPAN
Like, sue me.
I woke up, to see the time be friggin 6:15.
Damnit damnit.
I messed up again.
Good job, Sapan.
Shu..,Wait, I am still alive?
Oh,.. oh yes yes!
Damn, that makes it a win-win. I need to call her.
Just knock something out.
Finally you work. Thanks brain.
I knocked out a tray. Samantha came in rushing.
"Are you okay??"
"Hm"
I eyed her to come and stand next to me and as always she obliged.
SAMANTHA
I went and stood next to him and we locked eyes after what seemed like forever.
"I am so happy that you're fine Sapan."
"Hm."
Hm is all he's been saying for the past two days. That respiratory problem bit him in his ass rather.
"Okay." I said and moved away, when his hand held my index finger back.
I smiled at the ground and turned towards him.
He let go of my finger, and I realized his fist was closed no more.
A circular, red shade-smothered platinum studded thing,..a band.., the ring gleamed under the hospital light as my ring finger instinctively went closer to it.
Addiction.
"Be(creak) mine al.., (pause) ready, Mrs,.(pause)"
I could feel the wide grin on my face, my eyes fixed on the ground, as I waited for him to finish it.
Clunkk
The ring toppled to the floor as my grin faded away and his hand fell hanging. I looked up, his face slooped down on the pillow, his mouth open, a loud beep filling my ears.
Tears brimmed at the corner of my eye as I kept staggering back, lost amidst the crowd of nurses and doctors.
"Paddles."
"Charging"
This happened for countless times and the only thing I could hear was the elongated sound of the beep.
~
In the haze, I could see the Doctor shaking his head at me and walking out, my body devoid of life and energy. I hit the floor, and stared at him, his lifeless body, and screamed, "SAPAN NO!!! WAKE UP WAKE FU*KING UP! BABY PLEASE!"
"Sam"
"DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T"
"Sam, I kn(pause)ow. Just come."
"ROSHAN WHY?? Why me? I love him with all my existence and this happens??
"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW? i'VE BEEN WITH HIM SINCE FOREVER! HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? Just, come out of here please."
"Okay.."
~
Checkmate.
It is the irony of life that all this should happen to the people who don't need anymore of it.
Life is a frigging chess game.
And here, I am the Queen, Satan is the frigging rook and Sapan, Sapan is the king.
Oh, was the king.
Like I was the sole cause of destruction, doing the infamous Qa8++ move with Satan and cornering him for life, hemming him with all the emotions and finishing it all, taking away every square the king might flee to.
A lone king ,tricked and killed by a patrolling rook and major Queen.
He welcomed desolation when he kissed me.
He welcomed it with open arms.
And here he is, respawned forever.
Satan is ruthless, isn't he?