"What..." I gulped, "What do you mean, Kairo?"
He smiled and pulled me for a hug, real tight. He didn't say anything that makes me feel anxious and restless, but I'm willing to wait. For him to explain what he means to say and for him to take back what he meant.
"Kairo..." I called him however he only buried his face on my neck. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes until I felt his shoulder shaking, and soon, I could hear him sobbing.
"Baby, please.." I tried to push him and see his face but he only stiffen his embrace. I don't know what to do aside from tapping his back to calm him down, even though I was crying buckets too.
Hearing his cries makes me feel like an evil person. How can I do this to him? How could I break him?
Minutes later, he pulled me to sit comfortably in his lap and continued sobbing, I wanted to chuckle at his cuteness though I ended up muttering my apologies even though I know it wouldn't change the fact it hurt both of us, I sighed when he only shakes his head in response.
We continued like that for hours until I felt him relax a little, pushed him to view a tear-streaked face, and cupped his cheeks for a kiss. He sobbed even more.
When we parted from the kiss, he put our forehead together.
"Kairo.." I murmur, he shakes his head.
"Don't.. Don't leave me... Please." I gasped. Tears kept falling from his eyes while I was left dumbfounded.
"W-what? I won't!" I wiped his tears, "Kairo, please. Stop crying." I begged. I know he is such a baby that gets easily upset and cries at almost everything, but this kind of crying can take away his breath. And it was so painful to hear.
"I'll do... I'll do my best, baby. I'll do my best," he muttered between sobs.
I gently rubbed his chest since he was having a hard time breathing. "Baby, breathe."
I was about to stand up and get him water but he wrapped his arms firmly, I sighed when he wouldn't want to let me go, "You have to calm down, babe." I whisper, he nods.
I watch him calm down before kissing his eyes, the tip of his nose, and his lips. I run my fingers to his hair and continue kissing every part of his face. When I look at him, there was still a hit of sadness in his eyes.
Sometimes, I regret meeting him. I regret being the reason for his sadness. And because of me, I feel like he's losing himself just to keep me. We're happy to have each other, but relationships aren't always about rainbows and better days. Some storms will test our foundation, our love. And most of the time, even if you survived the storm, it caused trauma that you have to heal and conquer on your own.
And I know, this is one of the storms. I just hope, we get through it.
"What are you thinking?" he asked. I shook my head, planning not to tell anything but I ended up saying, "Just about us."
I watch him memorize every part of my face until he captured my lips for a kiss.
We kissed deeper, hungrier, and messy. We were making out when he came to a halt.
He looks at me softly, "I love you." I smiled and kissed him again, and he gladly responded.
In between kisses, he muttered I love yous.
We ended up in bed. And I thought he fell asleep as I lay above him, running my fingers through his naked chest.
I was busy watching the night sky when I felt him kiss my head and whisper, "I'm sorry."
I look at him; his eyes are closed, but I can see the tear stains from earlier through the moonlight.
"Kairo..." he hums, and moves closer, and put his hand over my waist, completely trapping me between his arms.
There was a brief silence, and I wish it lasted longer.
"I will be better, love. I'll do my best to be enough..." I couldn't move to look at him, I wanted to say something but I feel like there's more, he's gonna tell more, he's going to talk with his heart and I have to listen.
And I want to hear him. Because I love him. And because I'm scared.
"Remember the first year we dated? Your family disapproves." as much as I want to stop him, I just hug him tight. I remember how cruel my parents were, that whenever he visits, he only gets insulted and criticized. They never welcomed him, they even want to shut the door right in front of his face if only I didn't come down from my room. But no matter how disrespectful my parents were, he stayed, he fought for me, for us.
"On our second year, I made a list of things I should do to keep you. On top of it is to become a successful man, I wanted to become someone that your parents will give their trust and approval. Because I know, you're their princess. And what I do or plan to do for you threatens their kingdom. So, I got modeling jobs, baby. But it wasn't enough for your family."
I heard him chuckle, "'But it's okay, I'll do better next time. As long as I have you, as long as you're willing to stay with me. It's fine. I can take it.' It's something I kept telling myself. And baby, I succeed. I was able to keep you. I still have you."
I smiled.
Kairo is one of a kind man. Out of all the boys who tried, he's the only guy I let in. And he's the only guy who gave his best to get my parents' approval.
My family, they're possessive of me. I figured that out when they wanted me to break up with him, telling me that he wasn't enough and he will never be enough for me. But I don't want to.
Because I know that I'll never be able to find someone like him if I let him go. And besides, he told me he'll do his best to prove himself, I hold on to that, I trust him. After two years of courting my family, my mother began to like him, and my father soon acknowledged him.
"I was so happy when you moved in with me, that means you trust me. And your family trusts me too. My modeling career was getting bigger, but I was happier to know that I have you to support me." I felt him kiss my head, I was waiting for him to continue but there was only silence.
I was about to check on him when he kept me at bay, I heard him sniff before he cleared his throat.
"And after years of being together, you finally thought of continuing what you love. It made me so proud, baby. So proud of you. I love watching you get drowned with your passion, I love seeing you happy whenever you mentioned your clothing line. It makes me feel so happy."
He sniff and sighed, "At the same time, scared. Your name is getting bigger, you're getting busier too. But I understand, I told myself that you waited for this, I was there when you planned for this, and I shouldn't mess up the things you worked so damn hard just because I was insecure. I admit that I'm still insecure that you'll meet someone better than me; someone who will be enough for you. But that's on me, they are my demons that I have to conquer and defeat."
I wanted to see his face, speak and interrupt his thoughts, but I know it isn't my time. I know how hard it was for him to take up the courage and tell what's bothering him. So wait and listen.
"And I love you. I promised to always do my best to be enough for you." he whisper, "So, I'll wait. I'll always wait for you to look at my corner. I'll always wait for you to come home."
I felt him take a deep breath.
"But two years... Two years and I'm still waiting for you."
"Kairo..." I muttered, he put his hand at the back of my head and pull me closer to his chest.
"And it was okay because this is your dream. I don't want to stop you or burden you. It was okay. I keep telling myself 'it's okay.' Then you started coming home late. And then I wake up without you, sleep without you, eat without you. It's driving me crazy. But I understand, so I did my best to wake up earlier to have breakfast with you, if not, I'll cook lunch and bring them to you. Sometimes, I would wait for you at your office. We're working things out for the first year."
I bite my lower lip, feeling guilty of my shortcomings. The first year of having my clothing line was challenging, I had so many competitors in the market so I have to always come up with better designs and ideas. It was also the time I had to look for business partners and co-designers that I could trust. I barely eat and sleep because I was so busy sketching and making my name.
"And we continued that routine on the second year of your clothing line. It wasn't easy, because I have modeling jobs too. But it made me so happy when you offer me to become one of your models, that only means I get to help you and be with you, work with you."
He buried his face on top of my head and whispered, "Really happy, babe."
"But... But my insecurities won't just let me be happy for a longer time. Because right there and then, I saw how big your world is. Well, my world too because of modeling, but I wanted to do more to fit in your world. Then, I became an ambassador of a brand. I wanted to celebrate it with you, but you told me you were busy." I could feel my eyes tearing up.
"And I understand, I know how much you love your job. But I couldn't help to think it wasn't enough to get your attention and have your time... Still not enough." I shook my head, my tears completely fell.
"No. Baby, no. That's not true." I muttered between sobs, I felt him tighten his hug.
"It's my fault. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for neglecting you." I whisper.
He kept humming and kissing my head. He didn't say anything that made me cry harder.
I know how stupid and insensitive I am. I've always been at the receiving area, never the one who gives more than what she takes.
None of us speak for a moment. We settled ourselves in each other's warmth and embrace. Both are afraid of what's going to happen next. Because we both know that what he said and felt, as well as what I realized, left both of us scarred. It isn't something we should sleep off with, or move on with.
It's either we heal together, or we heal separately.
And I'm terrified of what he'll say next. Because I swore that this time, no matter how much I wanted to stop him nor interrupt him, I would listen to him completely. And whatever he wants, this time, I'll be the one who understands it better.
I could hear him sighing repeatedly as if he was trying to relax.
"I s-swear, baby, I swear I waited patiently." I gapped when his voice cracked, "When I couldn't call you at seven, I waited. Maybe you got stuck in traffic. I waited until it was past ten o'clock, was thinking you might have worked overtime. And waited. Until I realize, what was I waiting for? Maybe, you're not coming home." He took a deep breath, "Maybe, it's really not enough."
"I love you, baby. I really do. But I know that I'm running out of love to give, and I don't want to give you less than what you deserve."
I took a deep breath, sniffing his scent.
Stupid, Jaleah. Stupid.
I tried to take a glimpse at the night sky. There was a long silence between up. I couldn't even feel the coldness even when we're on our naked bodies because of how tight and warm his embrace was.
I'm gonna miss this. I'm gonna miss him.
As tears rush down my face, I close my eyes, "I love you, Kairo. So much." And you're more than enough for me.
It was me who's not good enough for you.