Hello it's City.
It's been months since I've been gone, and since I've been thinking about what happened, which I reflected on. And I'd like to be clear that I wasn't able to access this account for months, even if I wanted to, as I made a promise to my family member to not use it again, due to my declining mental health.
They wanted me to focus more in my life and focus on said 'important things'.
I tried accepting with what they wanted me to pursue, which is the best for me. But I couldn't just leave without stating what happened. I wanted to explain my side. I really wanted too, hence why I urged the courage to talk to my family member, so they'd let me explain (which gladly happened, because I got high grades).
My disappearance is all due to what happened at night. 1am to 3am, I forgot but it's on that range. I've been checking my messages on Instagram that day, checking if I've replied to people or not. And then I've had someone (I'm not stating names) asking whether or not I've 'copied' their certain work'. I went on a call with them, since I thought it'll be just quick, since it's literally 1am and I'm exhausted, and I wanted to fix things, but no.
And that was my mistake, because guess what happens when you're exhausted af and someone keeps rambling in your mind, hearing their very voice and how they deliver it. Well, it fucks up your system and you start to have a break down.
I had a breakdown at that time, because I couldn't process everything in my mind. Especially when that certain person doesn't believe in you. Again, before I could continue, I would like to repeat that I want to speak up for myself, because I could not stay silent up until this day, okay?
I've listened to your rants. I've listened to them, even if you kept repeating them. Forcing everything, that you are right, even if you are not. And what even fucked my system up is when you kept comparing me to a person, that I don't even know personally +I even disliked what they've done to the other writer. At that time, I thought to myself that, "chill, City, just listen cause you don't want to invalidate other people's feelings".
I want full context of what was happening. And then, you kept on mentioning other writers that I know and look highly above. And that added once again in mind, which I couldn't erase, because at that time, I kept overthinking about what other people think of me, which was freaking naive of me (because that could be your downfall, thinking about what other people think of you, when you know that there are no perfect human beings out there and they make mistakes).
And when the conversation kept going on, that's when I realized that there's no point in talking to someone who won't listen, and can't wait for your very response. I couldn't talk at that point because there's A LOT in my head, other than what you're saying because you're asking about what BAD IS LUXURY all about and how I wrote it (the storyline and everything).
I couldn't talk because the reason for me writing that book, mentally scarred me. And talking deeply into those things, just added more, and just brought back unwanted thoughts in my mind that very night.
And I am sorry about that, about that certain breakdown.
But I still can't process why you called me names. Of "liar" and "weirdo".
I tried joking at that time just to lighten up things, because I don't want you feeling completely stressed.
Now, since I want to clear up things for my books, since I don't want more drama about them, here are the following reasons and inspirations, okay?
BAD IS LUXURY:
-inspired by my aunt's story, I forgot if I've written that on the author's note there somewhere, but I stated it. And my life experiences too, (mine correlating to Tae's children there).
-that one ex-prostitute on TikTok (who uses the song Disturbia by Rihanna).
-memes that I see on TikTok, Twitter. (the milk joke, the aids joke).
-OH and the "I won't fuck you if you won't give me money" is literally from one of my inrl group of friend's inner joke of "May pera ba yan?", "Gagawin ko lang kung may pera"; translating to "Does that have money", "I will only do that if it has money" that we got on Twitter cause we relate to it, and we're from not rich families.
-Banyo Queen. Disturbia. Daddy Issues (Remix). Etc.
-SONGS. SMEXY ASS SONGS, AND DEPRESSING ASS SONGS.
TOUCH ME NOT:
-Titanic, duh. At that time I kept seeing Fanarts of Taekook being Rose and Jack, and got inspired to write it, gosh.
-Title inspired by Noli Me Tangere.
BJ VANTE
-BJ ALEX. But with a twist.
-memes
-I watched documentaries of ex-pornstars cause I want to know more about peeps, okay? I want to know how their stories progressed and happened. I was that curious of humanity.
-smexy movies
MANCHESTER RIVALRY
-inspired by el filibusterismo, noli me tangere, hamilton, and somebody to love (they're one of my favourites), though there are scenes from life experiences and scenarios I think of.
-Enchanted by Taylor Swift... every song from Taylor Swift gave me thoughts of scenarios.
BORN A SOLDIER
-Mulan on crack. Feat omegaverse and other ideas.
-Disney.
TAME THE CANNIBAL
-Some documentary I watched on YouTube about tribes.
-Dark Voodoo I watched.
-Memes.
-Yandere Simulator.
SIX FEET UNDER
-wanted to try out something new, fluff.
-because of the pandemic.
-my friend.
-Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish.
-Billie songs.
I don't know if I should add every single book that I've written, but you can see that they're a mixture of inspiration and sudden ideas. Songs even give me certain scenarios. Some are past experiences, and are the result of my overthinking and what I feel. And some scenes or mentionings are references for the literature that I like, since I want to find those who have the same liking as me.
Now, for my writing and how I've learned it. I looked into translations of Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo to learn more about Literature. Watched movies and researched stuff on Google. Some words I learnt from writers such as J.K Rowling, Jerico Silvers, GgukieBottoms, William Shakespeare, Jose Rizal, John Green, and more influential writers/poets. Add lyrics from songs too, and the thesaurus. BTS storyline, BTS quotes.
Oh, and anime. I got inspired by lots of anime too. Add Attack on Titan.
Lastly, I know I too make mistakes. And I'm sorry for them.
I am willing to change, I've always been. So, if I do make mistakes just tell them, I am really, really willing to change for the best. As one of my mottos in life, even if it's childish of me is "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was" which is from my favourite show Pokemon.
Thank you. Sorry if it's too long, I just wanted to speak thoroughly. It's been difficult having to keep this all to myself. I wanted to speak myself.
+The reason why I wrote is because I wanted to share my passion for these thoughts. I wanted lessons to be added in my writing, because I wanted to share my experiences of despair, happiness and everything. I started writing because I thought I might've found the people that I can relate to, in which I did. But I never know that misunderstandings could happen, which was too dumb of me. Dumb of letting my emotions get ahead of me. But I guess that's the effect of being full of hidden emotions.
You guys made me happy, you did.
And I thank you for that. For that momentary happiness.
Thanks for everything, even if you too, struggled.