Eating lunch with Jack is a little weird, we are not the same people we were on holiday.
It's like the shine has been wiped off of us. In my little modest flat there's definitely no shine.
But he's easy enough to chat to. Even if he is very closed up compared to holiday Jack.
I make us bacon sandwiches and listen as Jack tells me about the pre season training, the friendlies they've got lined up and how excited he is to get back to it properly.
He asks me if I've told anyone about the pregnancy and I admit that Sian is the only other person that knows. That I felt like I wanted to wait for today, like see the proof that it is real before I told anyone else. He nods in agreement.
Jack drives us to the hospital in his huge range rover.
I'm sitting in the passenger seat drinking out of a litre bottle of water.
Jack glances over "ya alright?"
"Yeah, I've got to drink all this before the scan"
"Why?"
"I think, to get a clearer scan image"
"So ya gotta hold it? Ya can't piss?"
"No" I pull a face.
"Let's hope they aren't runnin' late!"
Sitting in the waiting room I notice Jack shifting uncontrollably next to me.
"You ok?"
"Yeah" he mumbles, he pulls his cap down and slouches in his chair a bit more.
I don't get to pry further, as finally I'm called in.
"Chelsea Kelly" the nurse smiles as she waits for us to follow her.
Jack gives me a funny look and raises his eyebrows at me, I realise he probably didn't even know my surname.
I lay on the bed as instructed.
I pull my leggings down low on my abdomen and the nurse tucks a paper towel into them to keep them clean.
"Ok, this will feel cold" she says as she squeezes a huge blob of blue jelly on my tummy.
Jack has taken the seat next to the bed, he looks as nervous as hell.
"And are you daddy?" The nurse asks him.
"Er, yeah" he stutters.
"First baby for both of you?" She asks brightly.
"Yes" I reply.
She gives us both a look. "Ok, well let's see if your baby is ready to say hello to its mummy and daddy shall we?"
I exchange a look with Jack, but he looks tense. He's staring straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with me.
I look back to the nurse "so, I'll find the baby first then I'll show you the screen, then I'll do my measurements for you" she tells me.
She puts the scanner on my tummy and I'm totally thrown by just how hard she actually pushes.
She stares at the screen intently.
I feel like I'm holding my breath, what if there's nothing there? What if it's all wrong and I'm not pregnant? What if there's something wrong with the baby?
Tears prickle at my eyes again and I stare at the nurse.
Finally she smiles "there it is! Mummy, Daddy? Are you ready to say hello to your little one?"
She turns the screen and there it is.
Our baby
We made a baby, and there it is, moving around on the screen, inside me.
Jack vocalises what I'm thinking and his voice sounds hoarse "it's jumpin' around all over the place, an' ya can't feel it?" I turn to him, his face a picture of awe, his eyes moist.
I notice that he's holding my hand. I have no recollection of when he did that.
"Few more weeks and you'll be feeling them" the nurse tells us.
She confirms that all looks ok and confirms that the due date of 9th March is correct. I look at Jack and he is smiling at the screen.
She finishes her measurements and prints out some pictures.
Before we know it we are sitting back in Jacks car looking at the pictures.
Jack's smile has faded "are you ok?" I ask.
"Yeah, are ya alright? Did it it hurt? The scan I mean, it looks like she pushed really hard on ya"
"It didn't feel very pleasant, but it's worth it" I grinned, looking at the picture in my hand.
"Yeah, it feels real now" he looks down.
"Jack, you don't have to be part of this, I'm not going to force you, I just wanted you to know, and I don't want anything more from you than just for our baby to have a daddy......I'm not going to want you to marry me even be with me........but if you dont want any of this then please just tell me now"
He snaps his head round to me.
"Nah it's not that......fuck it's not that chels, I want to be part of this" hd sighs heavily as slumps against the seat, "Chelsea, I dont know how to deal with this. That bloke in the waiting room, I think he recognised me......"
"Erm, ok...?"
"Do ya want that? People knowin' ya havin' a baby with me? Ya picture in the paper? 'cos I don' think I want pictures of me baby in the papers, or people sayin' stuff to you because of who I am?"
"Why would people say stuff to me?"
"Because I'm meeeee Chels" he sounds exasperated but I don't understand why.
"So I got back from holiday an' me an' Stacey decided to have another propa go of things" he stares straight ahead out into the carpark.
"Stacey being your fuck buddy?" I narrow my eyes at him.
He sighs audibly "yeah, but I kinda down played that Chelsea, we've been together, admittedly on an' off, but basically together since we were 16"
"Right, so you decide to make a go of it with her and then I ring you to say I'm up the duff and it's yours"
"Yeah, an' then I ended up goin' out an'...…...there was someone else, jus' one night....but, Chels, I'm scared I'm gonna fuck this up....this is what I doooo, all the time, I can't stop meself"
I look at him. I knew it would be like this, I knew this is what he was like.
"Jack, I know this is what you're like. I told you I knew you were a fuckboy. Look Jack if you think you can be a good dad then that's enough!"
He looks at me "can we please keep this low-key? An' I don' want ya to think it's 'cos I'm ashamed or embarrassed, it's to protect ya, you an' however this is" he looks at the picture and grins as he says the last bit "our baby Chelsea, I don' want ya an' our baby dragged into it every time shits written about me"
I stare at him "what do you want me to pretend I'm just a fucking slag that got pregnant on holiday by someone I'll never see again?"
"Noooo! That's not wot I'm sayin'!" He turns in his seat towards me. "Ya can say Jack from Birmingham got ya pregnant and he's gonna support ya and look afta ya.......but not that Jack Grealish from Aston Villa got ya up the duff"
"Do you actually think I'd shout it from the rooftops Jack? Do you think I'm proud of myself, falling for your charms? Getting pregnant like a kid who believes pulling out is a valid form of contraception?" He smirked then "don't you dare fucking smirk at me Jack!"
"Sorry, I'm scared Chels, I really am, I don' wanna screw this up"
"You're scared!?" I asked incredulously "you've not got to grow a baby, push it out, keep it alive, sleepness nights!"
"But I wanna be! I'll be there for everythin' ya want me to be! If you'll let me, I want my share of sleepness nights"
"You want to actually co-parent with me? Bring the baby up together, even though we aren't together?"
We are facing each other now.
"That's exactly wot I want! We can do it together without bein' together can't we? But privately, I'm not asking ya not to tell people anything, but like be careful who ya tell, don' tag me in things cos that'll set the media an' shit off straight away y'know?"
Jack starts the car, "so when's ya next appointment?"
"Erm I have a check up with the midwife at 16 weeks, then another scan at 20 weeks, you can come to to the scan?"
"Yeah of course I will, is that when we can find out the sex?"
"I think so, they can tell from 16 weeks I think"
He looks at me "me mate an' his girlfriend went for a private scan then I think to find out the sex and they got 3D pictures an' a dvd......do ya wanna do that?"
I smile "yes, I'd like that a lot"
"Chelsea, do ya wanna do the whole thing private?"
"What?" I'm taken aback.
"I'd like to pay for you to be looked after an' have the baby in the private hospital, I've mates that play in Manchester, I know what hospital they use......they'd be none of that worryin' about people recognising me, in the waiting room like earlier, but also it'd make me happy knowing ya were getting the best care, especially as I'm 2 hours away"
I look at him, his eyes are soft again.
"Ok" I agree