The steam from the shower was building quickly, creating a thick cloud of grey around the bathroom as I sat beneath the steaming water, my head bowed with tears streaming down my face, my body shaking with the strength of my sobs. Tipping my head up, I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling my tears mingle with the cascading water as it struck my sensitive skin from every angle, but no matter how much rained down upon me, not a single drop did anything to help wash away the shame and disgust that I felt.
"Selena?"
I heard the voice as though from the end of a tunnel, and couldn't bring myself to answer, my tears only falling heavier as running footsteps neared the bathroom, followed by Crystal dashing through the door with a startled gasp.
"Oh my..."
She stopped before me, leaning into the shower and switching off the water then scurrying away, returning a second later and wrapping a warm, fluffy towel around me, dropping to sit beside me and holding me close.
"I came as soon as I got your text, what happened?" She said fearfully.
I could hardly even remember sending it, a short plea for her help and the suite number to come to. I had no way of knowing if she'd even turn up, but she was the only person that I could think of, the only person that I had to reach out to.
"Lena, you're scaring me, you have to talk to me... please?"
With immense difficulty, I forced myself to speak, to explain everything that had happened. How I'd seen Jex with Dalton at the restaurant and how he'd sought me out at the club, she listened in silence throughout, continuously stroking my back in slow, gentle, comforting motions, only speaking when I found it too hard to continue.
"He asked you to sleep with him," She murmured.
The way she spoke made it sound more like a statement than a question, and she groaned as I managed to nod my head, giving me the distinct impression that this wasn't something that she was new to.
"Did he hurt you?" She asked gently.
I shook my head with a sniffle, rubbing at my eyes as they continued to spill burning hot tears of regret and shame.
"No, I didn't give him the chance to," I choked out, finally making eye contact with her, "I told him to stop, I couldn't go through with it."
Even through my puffy and blurry eyes, I could see Crystal's expression of pure relief and the way her shoulders relaxed as she let out a breath.
"You did the right thing," She said soothingly.
"No, I didn't, I did everything wrong, I keep doing everything wrong," I cried, a fresh load of tears pouring from my eyes.
"Lena, you-"
"I fucked up, Crystal. I chose to come here, I put myself in this situation and nearly betrayed Ross again. I'm a horrible person."
She shook her head as I buried my own in my hands, her fingers wrapping around my wrists and tugging my hands away from my face, forcing me to look at her.
"Don't do that," She scolded me, her eyes narrowed sternly, "You are not a horrible person. You've made mistakes, but those errors of judgement don't define you."
"Don't be so sure," I added weakly.
"We could all be hard on ourselves for the things that we do, the stuff that, in hindsight, we can clearly see wasn't the best decision," She said sympathetically, "But there's no point in that. You need to move on, you need to take notice of the stuff you did right, and in this instance, what you did right was saying no."
"What if that wasn't the right thing to do? If it proves to be a mistake, and he blacklists me from ever getting work..." I trailed off as she shook her head, squeezing my hands tightly with her own.
"No, I'd be more worried that it would have been that way if you had gone through with it, Lena. You should never give someone that much power over you. It would have been a constant shadow on your life, your career, something he could have used at any time."
I felt physically sick as I allowed her words to sink in, realising just how stupid I'd been not to think of that. I didn't know a single thing about this man. Aside from the fact that he was friends with Dalton, which was far from a sign to trust him. I thought about how easily I could have been trapped by this one stupid decision, and my stomach promptly lurched as I recalled his eager touch and firm groping hands. Clamping a hand over my mouth, I flung myself out of the shower, dashing across the room and barely making it to the toilet in time to hurl my guts up inside.
I heard Crystal moving behind me, then felt her hand on my back as she eased me back and held a glass with a measure of green liquid out to me. I chucked the mouthwash back and swished it around, grateful for the refreshing minty taste that stopped me from wanting to throw up again. With her help, I got back to my shaky feet and made my way to the sink, spitting and rinsing my mouth with some cool water.
"Thanks," I said quietly, gripping the marble surface and taking a deep breath of air, feeling my strength returning a little as my lungs filled. "For everything."
She smiled warmly and closed in, pulling my, still wet, body into her arms and hugging me tightly.
"What are friends for?"
Crystal retrieved my dress from the bedroom, and once I was dressed once again, I finally left the bathroom.
Returning to the bedroom send shivers down my spine. The very sight of the creased sheets made my skin crawl as I recalled my face being pressed against them, Jex's hand working its way between my legs.
"It's okay, he's not here," Crystal reminded me, taking my arm and leading me past the bed.
I nodded slowly, putting one foot in front of the other.
"He left after I locked myself in the bathroom," I explained croakily. "He tried to make me come out, but I refused, told him I wasn't going through with it. I didn't even come out again until I was sure he wasn't coming back. I barely remember leaving to text you before I went back, I needed to wash him off me... but I can still feel him."
"You need to leave that here, Lena. Leave everything that happened, in this room, and don't look back."
"I don't know how," I replied weakly.
"You take your own power back, you acknowledge what happened and you fucking own it. You came here, you allowed it to go so far, but you stopped it, you said enough. So don't walk away as a victim, walk away with your head held high."
With another shuddering breath, I forced myself to look at the bed and tried to make myself remember the moment I said no, thinking only of how I pushed him away and ran to the bathroom. Flashes of the entire evening raced through my head on a loop, making it almost impossible to focus, but the more I assured myself that I said no, the more I began to feel my hand pushing against him, rather than his pawing at me.
"Let's get you home."
I nodded and allowed Crystal to lead me from the suite, down through the hotel to her waiting car.
The drive was in silence until we reached my apartment. Looking up at the dark windows, I was relieved that Ross wasn't going to be home tonight. I couldn't have even brought myself to look him in the eye at the moment.
"He's on shift?" Crystal asked, catching on as she too glanced up at my darkened windows.
"Yeah, home tomorrow morning."
"I can stay with you if you want? Unless you'd rather be alone."
I turned toward her, my heart swelling with gratitude.
"Please," I whispered.
She tugged the keys from the ignition, and together, we stepped out onto the street, then made our way inside.
I was relieved to be home, and even more so when I heard Crystal sliding the chain across the door. I was finally able to breathe again now. Or at least I was until I saw the photo on the wall. I drifted toward it, shuffling my feet as fresh tears welled in my eyes, blurring the happy, laughing faces of me and Ross on the beach. It was only taken last week. A beach day that we'd treated ourselves to on his day off. I looked into the eyes of the man that I loved so much and fell to pieces once again, swallowed by rage and disappointment in myself for mistreating him so much.
"Hey, it's all gonna be okay."
"How can it ever be okay again?" I asked, falling into the chair at my side.
"Because you're going to make them okay. It's time to turn things around and make it up to him."
"I don't even know where to start," I admitted, "I just feel like I got so swept up."
"That's easy to do sometimes," She replied.
Her understanding tone, free of judgement and anger had me feeling safe enough to be honest. And before I knew it, I was letting everything out.
"Back home, I never felt like I was valued, I was just the joke of the family, always the one with her head in the clouds, wanting something she'd never get. I thought when I got here, I'd start to feel like I belonged, I'd have people seeing my potential, appreciating it."
"And that wasn't the way it ended up," She finished for me.
"No," I shook my head, "With every audition, I just felt like I was back there, being told I didn't have what it took, and that I was naive and stupid. Each time I got my hopes up, it broke me a little more to have them dashed again," I looked to Crystal and smiled as I remembered the first time I danced properly at the club and the way that it made me feel. "But when I was up on that stage, dancing, I felt like I was finally seen, finally wanted. It didn't matter how, or even by who. I just loved it, and it made me feel amazing."
"And made you crave more of it."
"Constantly," I admitted, "I needed it, and the private dances made it stronger, I could feel how badly they wanted me, and for me to finally have the power..."
"You got addicted to it."
"Yeah, I guess so," I shrugged defeatedly.
"I've seen it happen before, the start of a dark spiral that never ends well," She explained, "I didn't want to believe that you were going that way, but I started to see you giving up on your acting and I couldn't avoid it anymore. It's why I was so hard on you, I hoped I could be the voice that would push you back toward the one thing that could bring you out of that rut." She ran her fingers through her hair then sighed, "I guess I did that, but just not how I'd hoped to."
"Tonight wasn't your fault," I said firmly.
"Maybe not entirely, but if I hadn't been so sharp and unapproachable, maybe you'd have come to me rather than gone to him."
I didn't want to mention my attempt to speak to her yesterday, but there was something in her eyes and expression that made me think she already knew what that had been about.
"It's over now, like you said, leaving it in the room," I replied flatly, not really believing my own words, "Now, I just need to try and make up for it, I hurt the one person who's believed in me since day one. I have to fix it."
"Then I guess we know the first step," She said swiftly.
"I need to cut back at the club," I agreed, "Reduce my shifts and go back to auditions."
She wrapped her arms around me tightly, whispering in my ear:
"It'll all be okay, you'll get through this, I'll be right here with you."